Much like the viral hippo sensation Moo Deng, dating apps have completely and undeniably taken over the cultural zeitgeist. I can’t hit up a coffee shop, step on a subway train, or wait in line at the grocery without seeing someone engaging with one (or multiple) dating apps on their smartphones.
And what’s the tell-tale sign, you ask? They’re swiping. In other words, they’re sliding their thumbs to the right of their phone screen to indicate interest and left to indicate no interest in potential online matches.
This tech-based form of dating has revolutionized the way people search for and find love in modern society — in ways both good and bad. On one hand, dating apps can be credited for giving singles access to a larger dating pool, fostering diversity, facilitating international connections, and using algorithm-based matchmaking technologies (for when human matchmaking skills fail, which kind of seems to be a lot).
On the other hand, this global dating trend has led to decision fatigue, low self-esteem issues, and, ultimately, dating app burnout.
I want to arm you with the knowledge and tips necessary to protect yourself during the online dating process (if you happen to be brave enough), so I’m going to explain everything you should know about the swiping world.
The Mechanics of Swiping
To fully understand the impact of swiping on the romantic landscape, I should first outline what it is and how it shows up in the context of online dating.
How It Works
Swiping makes the digital dating world go round. I’d hazard a guess it will likely be the core function of any mainstream dating app you use.
Luckily (or maybe not so luckily), the mechanics are pretty simple. I’ll go step by step:
- Sign in or create a profile on a dating app.
- View the profile of a potential match on the main feed.
- Swipe left if you’re not feeling it, and you’ll view a new profile.
- Swipe right if you want to get to know that person better.
- If you both swipe right, a mutual match is formed.
- Only mutual matches can chat on the app.
The hope is that you’ll take some time to scroll through the person’s profile and get a feel for their general vibe before making your choice, but everyone’s different. Personally, if the first thing I see when a new profile pops up on my screen is a fish pic, it’s an immediate no. But that’s just me!
Which Apps Use It
I may be kind of sh*t talking dating apps right now, but I’m not one to refuse to give credit where credit is due. Swiping was irrefutably a groundbreaking concept, and it all came down to the little app with the red flame emoji. C’mon, you know exactly what I’m talking about: Tinder.
It may not have been the first dating app on the scene, but it was certainly the one to make online dating a global phenomenon. And since its launch in 2012, competitor dating apps like Bumble, Hinge, and Grindr — and most others, honestly — have followed suit with swiping features galore.
Influence On User Experience
Swiping has done to online dating what Apple Watches have done to exercise: gamified it. At first, it’s thrilling to open up an app and see dozens upon dozens of fresh faces that could be your next boo.
Eventually, though, having access to what appears to be endless options makes the process a lot more about getting an ego or dopamine boost (“Hell yeah, I just got 10 likes and three roses in one day”) and a lot less about making real, authentic connections.
Role of Dating Profiles and Algorithms
Each dating app operates a little differently, but most (if not all) rely on complex algorithms to produce matches for their users.
When singles sign up to a platform and start putting together a profile, they’ll be asked to provide information that will later be used by the algorithm to measure compatibility — information such as geographic location, age, interests, lifestyle habits, relationship goals, and more.
Psychological Effects of Swiping
It’s all fun and games until your brain starts working overtime shifts. Keep reading to explore how the positives of online dating can quickly turn into negatives.
First Comes the Thrill
Fun fact: The average American checks their phone 80 times a day. And for most of us, it’s not because we’re very important business people waiting on very important business calls or because we’re receiving urgent messages from Homeland Security.
It’s because each time we check our phones and see a notification — whether it’s a text from a friend, a like on Instagram, or an email from our favorite online store alerting us of a holiday discount — a hit of dopamine courses through our bloodstream. It feels good, even if it’s just for that brief moment, and we keep coming back for more.
Dating apps offer users the same kind of rush at a much quicker speed and much higher frequency. When you’re not receiving profile likes, gifts, or messages from matches, you’re swiping through your city’s “endless” options and sending likes of your own to conjure more interest. There’s always another hit of dopamine right around the corner.
Then Decision Fatigue Sets In
Having a sea of potential dating partners to choose from sounds all fine and dandy until decision fatigue sets in. This is a term that scientists in the mental health community use to describe the exhaustion that results from having to make too many decisions.
After hours and hours of scrolling sessions where you ask yourself, “Do I think they’re cute?” and “How should I respond to this text?” and “Do I have time to meet up with them this week?”
Then comes the wondering: “But what about that one person I matched with the other day?” and “What if they don’t like hiking as much as I do?” and “Is this even worth it?”
By this point, your energy starts to fade. The excitement you once had at the thought of all the possibilities is now dread, and finding love just becomes another chore you have to do.
And FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)
This is where things get even trickier. While dating app users often get bogged down by decision fatigue or dating app burnout, they can equally experience FOMO — Fear of Missing Out. Because of the seemingly limitless possibilities of future partners, it’s a little bit too easy to become convinced that if one match doesn’t check all of your boxes, you can keep swiping until you find someone who does.
And while it’s important to set high standards for yourself, the “grass is always greener” mentality can prevent you from fully investing in or engaging with what could turn into a beautiful connection.
Overall, Self-Esteem Takes a Serious Hit
Don’t get me wrong, your search for love on dating apps can absolutely be fruitful! In fact, I can name five people in my life right now who met their partners on dating apps. But that doesn’t take away from the yucky, gross feelings these friends (and so many others) have experienced along the way.
The reality is that rejection is inevitable in the world of dating, particularly so in the world of online dating. With hundreds upon thousands of options can come hundreds upon thousands of “left swipes,” which can do a number on your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
Changes in Dating Strategy
With these changes in dating technology comes changes in the way people (particularly younger generations) approach romance. Here are the three most prominent examples.
New Expectations for Matches — Chat First, Connect Later
As I’ve touched on so far, online dating creates an illusion of abundance. This means, especially as a heterosexual woman, that your inbox can fill up pretty quickly with people interested in going on a date with you. I know it sounds like a good thing, but women can quickly become overwhelmed without knowing where to begin and how to vet tons of potential prospects.
In an attempt to preserve precious time and mental energy, it’s become typical for dating app users to take a straight-and-to-the-point approach when it comes to messaging a match. The idea is that they keep things light and airy during initial communication, and save the deeper talks until the two lovebirds can meet in person.
Although it makes sense why online singles tend to do this, it can’t be ignored that this kind of approach can make the dating process feel quite surface-level and transactional.
A Sense of Urgency Decreases Enjoyment
You know what they say: “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” This is totally the same thing, right?
When it comes to the online dating game, the faster you swipe, the faster you can find your next potential match. Those who hesitate are ghosted! Some users develop a sense of urgency because of the easy access and highly competitive scene. Such a phenomenon hasn’t previously existed in dating culture, and it’s making a lot of young singles (myself included) feel like the clock is always ticking — in a whole new, nerve-wracking kind of way.
The swipe game also, of course, chips further away at the joy and thrill that comes from getting to know someone in a slower, more intentional way.
The Rise of Hookup Culture
Being able to access thousands of local singles at the touch of a finger has made people a lot less interested in long-term commitment and a lot more interested in getting their needs met in a non-committal way. For lack of a better phrase, more singles than ever are looking to “hit it and quit it.”
“Hookup culture makes dating harder as well. You can’t really find someone who wants to be in a serious committed relationship that easily anymore.” — a user on Reddit
And it makes sense, right? If you have this illusion of abundance and a belief that you can eventually find someone who checks every single one of your boxes, why not have a little bit of fun along the way?
The Social Impact of Swiping
Historically, committing to one long-term partner has been the norm in Western societies. Reports show, however, that openness to multiple partners (this is where the polyamory trend comes into play) has increased significantly since the advent of dating apps.
This trend becomes more nuanced when you compare opinions across generations. A national poll found that 41% of millennials and 29% of Gen Zers said they are interested in exploring polyamory, whereas only 8% of baby boomers and 5% of seniors in the Silent Generation are up for the poly life.
Swiping habits are up across the board, but it certainly varies across demographics. Younger users, unsurprisingly, swipe more frequently than any other age group. Singles under 30 are also a lot more interested in having short-term, non-committal fun.
Women and LGBTQ+ singles of all ages and backgrounds, however, tend to show more cautious swiping habits in general, as they face higher safety risks.
Unfortunately, Black and Asian ethnicities express the most frustration with dating apps, noting that they are often overlooked compared to their white, blond-haired counterparts — or, if they’re not overlooked, they are instead fetishized.
As I pointed out earlier, plenty of people (not just those in my own friend circle) have found success using online dating apps. But sometimes, researchers are finding the issues come after a single person finds love — not before.
“Online daters reported less satisfying and stable marriages than those who met their spouse offline.” — The Online Dating Effect
According to a Stanford Social Science survey, 27% of people “have used a dating app or website while in a relationship.” What’s more, 33% of respondents didn’t feel as if using a dating app while in a relationship should be considered “cheating.” Evidently, people are entering into partnerships with one foot still out the door — the idea is that on the other side of that door is the “greener grass” everyone’s been talking about.
Coping Mechanisms for Mindful Swiping
Despite all the shade being thrown right now, I want to make it clear that I’m not telling you to stop using the apps. The reality is that it’s really difficult to meet people without them, especially as you get older and venture out of your college bubble.
So, instead of trying to beat ‘em, let’s join ‘em — in other words, adopt tips and strategies into your online dating process to help protect your mental energy as much as possible.
Set Clear Intentions for Using Dating Apps
Using dating apps without an end goal is kind of like walking into Target without a grocery list: a recipe for chaos and an empty wallet (the wallet being your sanity).
OkCupid has attempted to curb this specific type of burnout by asking newcomers to state what they are looking for — long-term love, short-term dates, friendship, open relationship, etcetera — on the dating profile so everyone involved knows what to expect.
To protect yourself from aimless wandering and energy expenditure, set a clear intention for your swiping session before you even open the app. Maybe the objective is to find a friend and take things slow, or maybe it’s to get railed this weekend. Either way, take some time to clarify what you’re looking for.
Limit Time Spent on Apps to Reduce Fatigue
Boundary setting is a powerful tool in all areas of your life, especially when it comes to online dating. Instead of letting yourself get sucked into an hour-long swiping sesh that makes you miss your subway stop, set a timer for 10-15 minutes. You could even download one of those apps designed to limit screen usage by blocking apps after a certain amount of time has been reached.
Build Resilience Against Rejection
As sick as it may sound, the kind of rejection you can expect from dating apps is a great character-building practice. To get through it with your head held high, you have to train yourself to remember that the majority of the dating process is not personal and, most importantly, has nothing to do with how worthy you are as a person.
Foster Open Communication About Feelings
Sometimes, you may be in the mood to look for your “wifey,” “hubby,” or “boo.” And other times, you may just be looking for someone to have fun with on your work trip to Toronto. Whatever the goal is, it’s always best to make it clear to your match from the beginning.
Talking about your desires is the most effective way of not only ensuring that you get what you want out of the experience, but preventing hurt feelings on both ends.
Explore Alternative Dating Methods
When all is said and done and you’ve given dating apps the good ol’ college try (I don’t know, my dad used to say this), that doesn’t mean it’s time to hang up the towel. There are other ways of meeting people, it’ll just require a little bit more determination.
For example, you can attend a local Meetup, join an adult sports league, ask friends to set you up, or (gasp) start talking to people you come across in public spaces. You never know what a friendly “Hey, I like your jacket” may lead to.
Swiping Is Fun, But It’s Not Sustainable
As I think we all know, every technological advancement comes with its downsides, and the swiping feature of dating apps couldn’t be a more perfect example.
On the bright side, this simple mechanism makes it easier than ever to feel like each and every one of us has a chance to find love. But the seemingly unlimited access to singles — and the ease of finding new chats — has created feelings of mental exhaustion, low self-worth, and a sense that there’s always “someone better” out there.
It doesn’t appear, however, that dating apps are going anywhere anytime soon. So you may as well use them for what you can. The most practical course of action is to enter swiping strategically and make efforts to preserve your valuable time, energy, and mental space. This means incorporating clear communication, acting with intention, and taking rejection on the chin. If all else fails, you could always watch some Moo Deng videos. At least they’ll never leave you.
