If you’ve been online dating for a while, you may start asking yourself: Why don’t people leave their numbers on coffee cups anymore?
Busy singles can get tired of swiping on Tinder or waiting for a spontaneous meet-cute to encounter a promising love interest. That’s where professional matchmaking comes in.
In matchmaking, a professional introduces compatible singles.
Through my work with DatingNews, I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing dozens, if not hundreds, of matchmakers.
Matchmaking isn’t just for small communities anymore (though religion-based matchmaking is definitely alive and well). While the details vary from matchmaker to matchmaker, contemporary matchmaking is the process through which a professional arranges introductions for singles based on mutual compatibility.
Like anything, matchmaking has its pros and cons. I’ll walk you through all I’ve learned about matchmaking and the singles who are best suited to work with a matchmaker. Deciding to try matchmaking may feel like a leap of faith, but if it works out, it could be the best decision of your life.
The Role of a Matchmaker
Different matchmakers have extremely different philosophies on how involved they should be in the dating process. Some matchmakers even offer services like date coaching or profile feedback that are unrelated to the matching itself, either in a larger package or as a separate expense. This is both a result of varied value systems and different price points.
Traditional vs. Modern Matchmaking
Matchmakers can be broadly divided into two camps: traditional or modern matchmakers (with some organizations that float in the middle). Traditional matchmakers tend to come from small communities or socially traditional communities. Orthodox Jewish matchmakers and most Indian matchmakers generally fall into this category.
In practice, traditional matchmakers are usually more involved in the dating process after an introduction, as are members of the singles’ families. These individuals often serve as guides to make sure the singles have the blessings of their communities. Matchmakers will also focus more on compatibility factors that are important to the community, such as the level of religiosity or familial lineage.
By contrast, modern matchmakers are usually less involved in the dating process, though they may continue touching base with their clients and supporting them emotionally. While they can still cater to a particular community, they operate with a more secular approach, treating their clients as independent from their families of origin. If they address sexual morality in the dating process, it usually has less to do with community norms and more to do with what’s best for their clients.
Services Offered by Matchmakers
Matchmakers offer a whole lot more than just a person to meet for dinner. Many matchmakers offer services for the entire dating process so that their clients always present the best versions of themselves.
Personalized Matching
When you work with a matchmaker, you can expect that your matchmaker is handpicking the best potential dates for you based on your values and priorities.
Matchmakers handpick the best dates for their clients.
Different matchmakers have different standards for the level of compatibility of their matches, but they all make sure that their clients are set up for someone who makes sense for them and their dating hopes.
Date Feedback
Your matchmaker will likely receive and provide feedback after your dates. You and your date will both individually tell your matchmaker how it went so that they can adjust who they set you up with in the future and let you know of any negative behaviors you displayed on the date.
You may have spent your whole life chewing with your mouth open; now you’ll know.
Profile Creation and Enhancement
Dating profiles are a common pain point in the modern dating world, and matchmakers have evolved to help by creating profiles for their clients.
When a matchmaker selects a match for you, they will often let you and your potential date see a short profile with information similar to what you’d find on a dating app.
You can both decide whether to go on the date, though most matchmakers will strongly advise you to say yes every time.
Most matchmakers will work with you to make the best possible profile, helping you write an inviting bio and even taking professional photos. If they’re open to dating apps, they may have an option to rewrite your online profiles so that you can put your best foot forward on the apps, too.
How Matchmakers Differ from Dating Apps
The biggest difference between matchmakers and dating apps is the human element: With a matchmaker, a person, not an algorithm, is deciding your matches. That person gets to know you and often your date well beforehand, so getting set up feels closer to being set up by a very well-connected friend.
Unlike most dating apps, matchmakers almost always perform background checks on their clients and database members, so you know your date is who they say they are.
New Trends in Matchmaking
Matchmakers are rapidly innovating. Popular dating and matchmaking shows like Love is Blind and Indian Matchmaking have exposed singles to new possibilities for meeting partners. Singles are learning that matchmaking is a real option for them, and the industry is working to make that option as appealing and inclusive as possible.
Increased Use of Technology
The last few years have seen an increase in AI and algorithms in matchmaking. Matchmakers usually work with a database of singles, which they can sort automatically. Once they’ve sorted for demographic compatibility features, they can match their singles’ personalities and values by hand.
Matchmakers use private online databases to keep track of their networks of singles.
Especially since the pandemic, matchmaking has had an uptick in virtual consultations and online platforms. Singles are able to find matchmakers online and meet with them over video to get to know each other. Some matchmakers work entirely remotely now, so be sure to pay attention to that if in-person consultations are important to you.
Holistic Compatibility & Sex Positivity
Money, height, and beauty can be important for attraction, but they aren’t everything. Matchmakers are looking to find emotional, spiritual, and lifestyle alignment for their matches. They may even have their clients complete psychological assessments and personality tests to get deeper into compatibility.
Many matchmakers are sex-positive. While some may recommend refraining from sex for the first few dates, you can always find a matchmaker who has the same philosophy as you regarding sex in dating. And if you need some advice, matchmakers are almost always willing to talk it out.
Inclusivity and Diversity in Matchmaking
Matchmaking isn’t just for one type of person; you can find matchmakers who work with almost any type of client or lifestyle. Many matchmakers specialize in particular ethnic or religious groups, but you can also find LGBTQ+ matchmakers and matchmakers open to working with poly clients.
Industry Standards and Best Practices
Anytime you work with a professional in a field you’re unfamiliar with, you need to vet them. Matchmaking is no different. Matchmaking costs a lot of money, so be sure the person you work with has positive reviews and is a reliable expert.
Ethical Guidelines
Matchmaking should always be confidential. If you want to tell your friends and family you’re working with a matchmaker, great, but your matchmaker should never give out your name to anyone but matches.
You should also know exactly how much the process is going to cost. Legitimate matchmakers will have clearly priced packages, and if they don’t, you should ask for a specific contract before you give them any money.
Qualifications and Certifications
Like a coach, it’s hard to know if a matchmaker is really as qualified as they say they are. Fortunately, there are some formal training programs and professional associations for matchmakers that you should look out for.
Look for matchmakers who have received professional training and certifications and those who are well-connected in the industry.
The most recognizable association is The Matchmakers Alliance. Most members will include the logo on their website. Many matchmakers will get their matchmaking education through The Matchmaking Institute or the Global Love Institute.
Client Satisfaction and Success Rates
Success doesn’t have a set definition for matchmakers. Of course, it’d be nice if every matchmaking service ended with an “I do,” but sometimes gaining confidence or going on a great date is enough to call the work successful.
Some matchmakers guarantee a set number of first dates, while others focus on the percentage of first dates that lead to long-term relationships. Some matchmakers set up blind dates, which means that the number of dates may be high while their chance of garnering a second date is lower.
When you start working with a matchmaker, make sure you understand their process and promises and that you have a set path for providing feedback.
Choosing the Right Matchmaker
There’s a matchmaker out there for every personality and dating philosophy. The first matchmaker you find might not be the right fit for you, but you’ll definitely find someone who gets you and the person you want to find!
Interview Potential Matchmakers
Shop around before committing to a matchmaker. Ask about their experience and approach to matchmaking. If you’re dating within a unique cultural or value context, try to find matchmakers that line up with you or at least understand your culture. And if you specifically want them to be involved throughout the dating process or to take a back seat, ask about their level of involvement.
Look for Success Stories
Most matchmakers will post about couples they’ve introduced on their websites or Instagrams, and some of them may leave positive reviews online. Check for examples of real couples who have found love through your matchmaker.
Walk Away If You Notice Red Flags
When it comes to working with a matchmaker, go with your gut. Pay attention to their lack of transparency about fees or service outcomes. If it feels like you’re getting scammed, stop before it gets worse.
Even if you’ve already paid, never stay working with a matchmaker who makes you uncomfortable.
Notice if your matchmaker provides judgmental feedback or makes you feel bad about yourself. Remember: your matchmaker is working for you, so if it feels like they don’t have your best interests in mind, drop them.
Benefits of Working With a Matchmaker
Matchmakers can be a dating game changer. While matchmaking isn’t a fit for everyone, there are some huge benefits for the people who love it.
Personalized Attention and Tailored Matches
Each introduction is tailored specifically to fit your priorities. An introduction from a matchmaker is not the same as a “match” on a dating app. Matchmakers take their time understanding the backgrounds, values, and preferences of each of their clients (and their dates) so that no first date is a waste of time.
Time-Saving and Stress-Reduction
If you don’t have the time or emotional energy to devote to tackling online dating, you’re probably frustrated by how hard it is to meet people organically. Matchmakers make early dating easy and seamless by finding your matches for you and, in some cases, setting up your dates. It’s simpler than both using dating apps and meeting people on your own.
Working with a matchmaker can save you plenty of time and energy over navigating dating solo.
Access to Exclusive Networks and Events
Matchmakers are constantly meeting new people and connecting them. Working with a matchmaker gives you a new network of singles.
You may even find yourself attending a singles’ event! Matchmakers often put these events on for their clients, which can offer fun and exciting ways to meet partners.
Dating Coaching
Some matchmakers offer date coaching as part of your package, while others have in-depth date coaching offerings separate from matchmaking. With date coaching, your coach will talk through your concerns and struggles in dating and help you change negative behaviors and thought patterns that hold you back.
Costs and Pricing Models
Here’s the downside: Matchmaking is pricey. The cost varies from provider to provider, but expect to pay anywhere from $2,000 to $25,000 to work with a matchmaker.
Typical Fee Structures
Most matchmakers will have several packages, usually ranging from working with them for three months to a year, and with different levels of involvement.
You should know how much matchmaking will be and what services to expect before you send over any money.
Retainer Fees, Pay-Per-Match, Subscription Models
In addition to working on retainer, some matchmakers offer pay-per-match or subscription models for their clientele.
Some matchmakers offer pay-per-match models, which can dramatically decrease the cost of matchmaking.
Pay-per-match services tend to be the most affordable, but they often come without the guidance you can expect when working with a matchmaker longer term, whether on a retainer or through a subscription.
What to Expect in Terms of Value
Matchmaking is still a bespoke, human-driven service, which leads to very high prices. But those high prices lead to a luxury service with care at every step of the process.
With higher-priced matchmakers, you can expect greater care and personalization. Still, that might not be what you need. Get clear about your expectations before picking a matchmaker so you can choose someone who provides the right service for your needs.
Comparing Costs to Other Dating Options
Matchmaking will almost certainly be more expensive than any other dating option. Premium dating apps may be a few hundred dollars a year; this will be several thousand.
Make sure you can afford matchmaking before you start it. You’ll still need to pay for the dates!
It’s Easy to See the Value of Professional Matchmaking
Matchmakers provide a great service. They conduct quality introductions vetted by a human being. I think most singles would love to have a personal matchmaker working for them to find great matches who are ready for a serious commitment.
When choosing a matchmaker, take some time to look around and find the professional who lines up best with your values and expectations for your dating journey.
Not everyone can afford to work with a matchmaker. But if you’re fortunate enough to get a good one, they might make your love life a whole lot better.
