You may love your partner, but that doesn’t always guarantee that they can fill every role in your life. Maybe you connect intellectually, but your sex drives do not match. Perhaps you have the same goals for your family, but you miss the excitement of flirting with other people.
These disconnects don’t necessarily mean that your relationship needs to end or even that a problem needs to be fixed. For some people, it’s just an indication that they’re better suited to explore multiple connections at the same time. They may consider opening up their relationship.
Open relationships are a form of consensual non-monogamy in which a couple has their primary relationship, but each partner can explore other sexual and sometimes romantic connections.
The boundaries around what those other relationships look like vary from couple to couple, based on what feels best for them.
If you’re considering opening your relationship or exploring another form of non-monogamy, take some time to learn a bit about your options, other people’s experiences, and practical advice to pursue relationships in a way that feels good for you and any of your partners. At the very least, let me walk you through open relationships.
Understanding Open Relationships
The different words for types of consensual non-monogamy are not interchangeable.
You’ve probably heard of polyamory as a blanket term for consensual non-monogamy. In fact, polyamory refers to a style of dating with romantic relationships between more than two people.
This differs from open relationships, in which the preservation of the primary relationship is most important and generally limits the emotional significance of external relationships.
Additionally, open relationships are not the same as casual dating, in which a single dates around with no exclusivity or commitment to any one partner. While one could argue that casual dating is a form of non-monogamy, many people who engage in it don’t see it that way.
Different Types of Non-Monogamy
Many people who engage in non-monogamy get creative when determining what works best for them, so different forms of polyamorous relationships have emerged.
Swinging is one rather common form of non-monogamy within committed relationships. In swinging, couples will swap partners for sexual encounters, on their own, at a party, or as part of group sex. There are often boundaries about when these encounters can take place and they are usually only allowed with the direct consent of all partners.
Some non-monogamous people engage in polyfidelity, in which more than two people form a committed relationship, or “polycule.” While polycules may have their own intergroup rules and dynamics, they do not step outside the polycule without discussing it with the group.
Different people have different opinions about how well they would like to know their partners’ partners, if at all. In kitchen table polyamory, individuals have platonic and warm relationships with their partner’s other partners. On the other hand, in parallel polyamory, one’s partners interact little, if at all.
Motivations
People turn to open relationships and consensual non-monogamy for all kinds of reasons.
For some, it’s the model that always works best for them, while for others, it starts to make sense as their relationship with their primary partner changes. For many people, open relationships are not a last-ditch effort to make a relationship work but a sustainable way to help love last. S
ome people are non-monogamous simply because it’s what feels best for them.
Desire for Multiple Emotional or Sexual Connections
Connecting with people — both romantically and sexually — is fun and pleasurable.
While most people ultimately want those things to be tied to a singular commitment, not everyone needs that. For some, the added joy of having more love and sex is worth the potential jealousy and instability that can come with non-monogamy.
Challenges of Traditional Monogamy
Monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. Some people struggle to find all of their romantic love, lifestyle alignment, and sexual connection in one person. It’s a tall order to connect with someone in all of those different ways.
“My journey into nonmonogamy was concocted from a blend of pragmatism and cynicism.” –Mallory Mosner, queer writer
Some non-monogamous people ran into problems practicing monogamy in the past. Many people who find themselves struggling with infidelity later realize that non-monogamy may be a better fit.
Personal Growth and Self-Exploration
There are a lot of ways to find yourself and forge your identity. One way to learn more about yourself is to forgo the traditional expectations society sets for you and see what life choices feel best in your heart.
Many people experiment with different forms of non-monogamy to find out which relationship structure is truly the most authentic for them. It’s important to truly reflect on what parts of your life you’ve chosen and which you find on auto-pilot.
Cultural Influences
While open relationships have become worlds more visible in the last ten years, they’ve been around — whether openly or in secret — for a long, long time. From the open royal affairs of medieval times to the hippies of the 1960s, non-monogamy and open relationships have stuck.
Traditional Views on Monogamy
Monogamy was certainly the mainstream in the 19th and early 20th centuries. However, certain transcendentalist farms and communes in the mid-19th century — most famously the Oneida community — practiced their own forms of non-monogamy outside of the mainstream.
In the 1960s, however, non-monogamy entered popular culture within the free love movement and other growing countercultures of the time. The sexual revolution brought with it heightened access to birth control, and the increased attention to LGBTQ+ issues entered non-heteronormative relationship structures into the zeitgeist.
This cultural moment allowed for a restructuring of traditional relationships and the creation of our modern understanding of consensual non-monogamy.
Representation in Pop Culture
Non-monogamy has certainly entered pop culture in the past few years. Actress Tilda Swinton has opened up about her relationship with her husband and live-in partner, while RuPaul Charles and his husband have been in an open relationship for years.
The horror-comedy sitcom “What We Do in the Shadows” portrays a loving open marriage between vampires. Even “Riverdale” ended its run with Archie, Jughead, Veronica, and Betty in a polycule.
Most recently, Molly Roden Winter’s memoir, “More: A Memoir of Open Marriage”, made waves on the internet and became the topic of many op-eds on the increasing normalization of open relationships. Everybody has something to say as non-monogamy gets out into the open.
Statistics and Research Findings
Consensual non-monogamy may seem far outside the mainstream, but that’s hardly the case. According to multiple comprehensive surveys, around one in five Americans has knowingly engaged in some form of non-monogamy.
When I saw that high of a number, my first thought was that the vast majority of respondents who had engaged in non-monogamy must have been referring to casual dating. But when you focus more specifically on engaging in committed relationships with multiple people at once, the numbers aren’t that far off. According to data collected from a Match.com study, about one in nine Americans have been involved in committed relationships with multiple people.
Studies show that non-monogamy isn’t all that uncommon, with 20% of Americans engaging in some form of non-monogamy.
Additionally, Americans’ views of open relationships have become much more accepting, even when they themselves are monogamous. Pew Research Center says that around half of Americans under 30 view open relationships as acceptable. While it may be uncomfortable to explain your open relationship to your grandma, your cool younger cousin is likely to get it.
Benefits of Open Relationships
People are quick to list off the reasons open relationships don’t work, but it’s worth reflecting on the reasons they do.
Increased Communication and Honesty
In traditional relationships, couples can often more or less get by following the typical relationship progression.
They maintain their assumptions about fidelity boundaries and assume the relationship is going in the same direction: toward marriage and children.
In open relationships, by contrast, everything needs to be spelled out. The relationship structure and boundaries are not a given, so each partner needs to think hard about what they need and are willing to give.
This can create a more authentic and open way of relating to each other and oneself.
Opportunities for Personal Growth
When entering a long-term relationship, some people feel they lose a part of themselves or that their independence and autonomy get too sucked into the relationship.
Opening up a relationship allows partners to maintain a part of their lives that is independent of their primary partner. That can allow them to grow in parts of their lives that might feel stagnant with just one partner.
Building a Supportive Community or Polycule
When you date more people, you get an added benefit — more people who care deeply about you, whether as a friend, lover, or something in between.
You may befriend your partner’s partners or even form a polycule within your relationship.
Romantic or not, the depth of these relationships can improve your life and bring more happiness to both you and your primary partner.
Enhanced Sexual Satisfaction
Even if you love having sex with your primary partner, they can’t do everything. Perhaps you want to explore having sex with a different gender, or you’re interested in group sex. Opening your relationship is one way to explore these interests.
Challenges and Misconceptions
Open relationships are not for everyone. They may be right for some people at one time, but not others. You should know what the potential hiccups are before venturing into this dramatic relationship change.
Common Myths
If you become non-monogamous, you’re likely to encounter some myths and negative feedback from friends or family. They may tell you that non-monogamous relationships are just a phase and that you’ll snap out of it eventually.
While you can be non-monogamous for as long or as little as you like, that’s up to you, not people outside your relationships.
People may assume that your relationships are inherently less serious, even your marriage. The presence of other relationships does not invalidate your existing ones. No one but you and your partners get to determine the significance of your bonds.
Emotional Challenges
Jealousy and insecurity will inevitably come up when opening up your relationship. For some people, these are just the growing pains of becoming non-monogamous as they try to balance time and attention among partners. For others, extreme jealousy might be a sign monogamy is a better fit.
Social Stigma
There’s no way around it: when you become non-monogamous, you’re going to experience some negative social stigma. This may be a feeling of shame or secrecy if you decide to keep your relationship structure private or direct negative feedback if you’re open about it.
Going against the grain is always going to complicate your place in society, but that isn’t a reason not to do it. Just make sure that you’re prepared to navigate the ups and downs of social judgment. And if you have children, get a plan in place of how to navigate questions that may arise, both from them and their community.
Practical Guidance
Fortunately, you don’t have to venture into non-monogamy alone. Plenty of people have explored it for themselves and shared their takeaways online.
Success Stories and Personal Takeaways
There are many online communities for consensually non-monogamous people where participants share what works — and what doesn’t — in their relationships. In the r/nonmonogamy subreddit, users share how they make their open relationships work.
User @highlight-limelight wrote: “My pro-est pro tip, [from] someone who’s been in their current NM relationship for 3 years: make it fun. If you treat all the communication and debriefing like business negotiations or wartime diplomacy or something it will turn into a total chore, and you’ll be less likely to want to do it. Our debriefs are impromptu gossip sessions, so that even if he has a bad date he still gets to have fun and tell me about it.”
User @Wild4Vanilla shared: “Gay M couple here, NM from day one. We met at a weekly group sex party we both attended so sexual openness was expressly understood. Into our 10th year (💞) It has been worthwhile, immensely so. The more we’ve communicated and shared and worked, the better each of us has become, as individuals and as a couple.”
Tips for Couples
When you talk to people in open relationships about their experiences, one theme is consistent throughout: communication is everything. Spell out your boundaries and expectations for your relationships and make sure to disclose any changing feelings or missteps.
Don’t expect that opening your relationship will fix all your underlying problems. Inviting more people into your relationship tends to make it more complicated, not less, so it’s important to work through any major issues with your primary partner.
The Future of Dating Norms
One thing is clear: relationships outside the monogamous, heterosexual norm are becoming more common, or at the very least, more visible. More people are realizing their capacity to feel love and attraction to different kinds of people or multiple people at once. While some segments of society still judge and oppress LGBTQ+ and non-monogamous people, they find broader acceptance than they did in the past.
I don’t think everyone is going to be non-monogamous in the near future. Many people — myself included — feel happier and more secure in monogamous relationships, and I don’t think that all those people are going to change their minds.
Non-monogamy isn’t an inherently better or more enlightened relationship structure; it just works better for some people.
Still, I do think that non-monogamy will continue to become more common as more people realize that it’s an option.
Open Relationships Are Open to Interpretation
Modern open relationships have largely stayed out of the limelight in pop culture. When they are portrayed in the media, it’s often through common tropes like callous arrangements made by unhappy, wealthy couples trying to hide the dissolution of their relationships from society.
Only recently have we been able to see versions of open relationships that love and honor the couple and their partners.
Because open relationships look so different for different couples, it can be tricky to come up with universal rules for how to make them work. But as long as you’re clearly communicating with your partners and staying true to your values, you have a great chance of landing on a relationship structure that brings you and your loved ones joy.
