Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Although it is still largely the norm in Western society, more and more people are turning away from traditional relationships in favor of pursuing their own structures. In fact, a 2023 poll by YouGov found that 34% of Americans see their ideal relationship style as a form of non-monogamy.
Polyamorous dating is a popular example. This particular relationship style involves romantic or sexual liaisons with multiple partners — all of whom aren’t necessarily dating each other. The group of people connected by romantic connections is referred to as a “polycule,” and there can be many different rules and dynamics that each relationship may follow.
“Polyamorous dating means being romantically or sexually involved with multiple partners”
The polyamorous lifestyle has become more commonplace over the years, so much so that it often shows up in mainstream TV shows and movies. Shows like Conversations With Friends and the Gossip Girl reboot have featured polyamorous characters and relationships, which has helped to normalize the concept to a mass audience.
Personally, I’m happy to see more awareness and acceptance of polyamory. I have experience with polyamorous dating, am closely connected to friends in my local non-monogamy community, and still consider myself “monogamish” today.
The lessons I learned in my last poly relationship and the ways that I grew as a person have been phenomenally enriching. Being non-monogamous required me to confront my insecurities, come to terms with jealousy, and embrace independence.
If you’re curious about ethical non-monogamy, why it’s such a hot topic, and how it might fit your lifestyle, here is a comprehensive guide to polyamorous dating.
Key Factors of Poly Relationships
Polyamory exists on a spectrum. Similar to the LGBTQ+ community, there are so many ways that non-monogamous folks can identify and form relationships. This can make it difficult to pinpoint one universal definition of the term, but there are some common characteristics that are found in most poly relationships.
More Than One Partner
The prefix “poly” implies many and “amorous” implies love, so poly people are often referred to as having “many loves.” No matter if they’re mostly sexual or largely romantic in nature, a key facet of this style of ethical non-monogamy is that people in the lifestyle have multiple partners.
These relationships may have very different levels of commitment or involvement, but relationship experts say polyamory is distinguished by its focus on more than just physical intimacy.
“Non-monogamy can include everything from couples who go to a sex club and invite others, all the way to polyamorous people who have several lovers,” psychologist and sex expert Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey said in a previous interview. “The crucial difference when you’re looking at all forms of non-monogamy compared to polyamory is that emotional intimacy may not be present.”
Emotional Transparency and Boundaries
In many of my relationships, but especially those that were polyamorous, my friends have always complained that my partners and I talk about our feelings way too often. While this always makes me chuckle, I completely agree with the sentiment.
Being poly has impressed upon me the value of being emotionally vulnerable, establishing trust, and respecting boundaries in a partnership.
Polyamorous dating certainly requires all of these elements at a higher level, because there are multiple relationships at stake. If everyone isn’t on the same page and if boundaries are being crossed left and right, things can quickly fall apart.
Consent to Explore
In my experience with the poly lifestyle, one of the most important things I’ve learned is the importance of communication. Most monogamous couples need to practice healthy communication to maintain a positive and mutually fulfilling connection. In polyamory, there’s almost a need to overcommunicate with your partners.
Fostering an open environment that welcomes vulnerability and honesty can prevent hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and conflict from popping up within any of your partnerships.
This also translates to the concept of consent. If you and your monogamous partner want to explore non-monogamy, it’s crucial that you both enthusiastically consent to the arrangement. I can say with confidence that if one partner is much more excited about the idea of trying polyamory than the other, opening up the relationship is almost guaranteed to end in disaster.
Types of Polyamorous Arrangements
An attractive element of polyamorous dating is that the lifestyle is incredibly customizable. While that may sound like an odd way to put it, exploring polyamory for the first time is kind of like trying on new jeans in a fitting room — you have to keep trying on different styles and sizes until you find that perfect fit.
There’s no better feeling than slipping into a perfectly fitted and flattering pair of jeans, and for many non-monogamous folks, that satisfaction comes in the form of a happy and harmonious polycule.
Hierarchical Polyamory
Some polyamorous relationships use a hierarchy structure, in which two people are considered primary partners. Oftentimes, couples who are new to polyamory will start in a hierarchical dynamic to establish a sense of emotional security and stronger boundaries as they navigate adding new partners into their lives.
“Two people are primary partners and go on dates with others who are considered casual connections.”
Primary partners are typically also considered nesting partners, meaning they live together, maybe have children together, and generally share a domestic life that is at the core of their polycule.
Solo, Triad, or Quad
If you aren’t keen on having one primary partnership or committing to joining a polycule, you may benefit from trying solo polyamory. People who are solo poly tend to prefer independence and autonomy in their relationships and don’t use any kind of hierarchy or follow a specific polyamorous structure.
On the other side of the spectrum would be triads and quads. A triad is a polycule of three people, all of whom are in a relationship together. Similarly, a quad is typically a group of four people who started as two couples and ended up all dating together.
Kitchen Table vs. Parallel Polyamory
You may have heard terms like “KTP” or “parallel polyamory” if you’ve ever consumed social media content relating to the lifestyle. Kitchen table polyamory is my personal preference in a non-monogamous structure; KTP refers to polycules that aren’t all romantically or sexually involved together, but everyone can sit at a kitchen table and get along comfortably.
This fosters a sort of family or community-oriented dynamic, where even partners who aren’t dating support each other and are usually close in an emotional sense.
My previous polycule followed this dynamic. At one point, four of us lived together in one apartment and would spend time all together for movie nights, cooking dinners together, running errands, and generally loving and supporting each other — even though we weren’t all romantically connected.
Parallel polyamory is different, and the name implies that relationships head in the same direction, but don’t cross each other’s path. Everyone is aware and consenting to polyamory, but the relationships are kept pretty separate. This is a structure suitable for people who are dating one person who isn’t comfortable meeting their metamour, AKA the poly term for their partner’s other partner.
This also means that details about each relationship aren’t often shared in depth unless it’s necessary, and the metamours don’t have the pressure of having a close relationship.
Benefits of Ethical Non-Monogamous Dating
If you are interested in dipping your toes into non-monogamy, chances are you understand the benefits of polyamorous dating. Aside from the obvious excitement of having multiple romantic and/or sexual partners, there are some other major perks that people in this community enjoy.
Joining Poly Groups & Swinger Communities
One aspect I have loved about being non-monogamous is joining the polyamorous community. If you are able to meet other poly people in your area, you may find a lot of support and encouragement from people who relate to your lifestyle.
Many of these communities form groups or hold events like mealtime gatherings called “munches,” for example. Kink and poly sites like FetLife or non-monogamous dating apps like Bloom Community (AKA Plura) can be a great way to find out about these events or other gatherings and classes to connect you with like-minded people.
If you and your partner would rather be non-monogamous in the sense that you’re sexually open but not open to forming emotional connections outside your relationship, the swinger lifestyle might be better. This usually involves couples “swapping” partners or playing sexually all together but not forming actual long-term relationships with each other’s partners. Apps like 3Fun or Feeld can be good options for meeting couples who are also looking to hook up with new couples.
Freedom to Find New Love
When it’s done in a consensual, healthy way, polyamory can provide you with a strong sense of autonomy and independence in your love life. You aren’t restricted to the values of monogamy (exclusivity, deep commitment, etc.) nor do you have to remain on the relationship escalator — the concept of following a traditional path of dating, getting engaged, marriage, and starting a family.
You have the power to choose how you want to form new relationships and how you structure them, which can be freeing and empowering.
Having a Healthy Dialogue
A considerable benefit of polyamory is the way it requires partners to communicate in a healthy and productive way. One form of “cheating” in polyamory is lying, and that includes omission or hiding things from your partner — including how you’re really feeling.
Overcommunicating is the best and safest way to ensure that nothing goes unsaid and that you both are on the same page about where your relationship or polycule stands.
Especially at the point when you have multiple relationships, interconnected or otherwise, everyone needs to be in the loop and ensure that all parties are feeling safe and empowered with the necessary information.
Drawbacks & Complications
In the same way that monogamy doesn’t work for folks who identify with polyamory, non-monogamy also isn’t for everyone. People in this lifestyle often face snap judgments from others, feelings of jealousy and mistrust, and sometimes it can even make your dating life feel much more difficult.
Social Stigma & Misconceptions
Beyond the internal issues that can arise in non-monogamous relationships, external forces can cause problems or even shame within them as well. If you decide to try polyamory and “come out” to monogamous people in your life, you may come up against some harsh judgment or pushback. They may assume you’re just wanting to sleep around, or that you’re essentially cheating with permission.
Unfortunately, there’s still a real social stigma when it comes to non-monogamy, so it’s definitely a con to be aware of when you’re deciding what kind of relationship style works best for you.
Navigating Jealousy & Trust Issues
If my history with polyamory has taught me one thing, it’s that jealousy is a natural human emotion. What is not natural, however, is the extent to which we sometimes let it dictate our behavior or satisfaction in a relationship. Being ethically non-monogamous requires you to confront any insecurities or trust issues that feelings of jealousy can stem from — and that’s often a really difficult thing to do.
I personally had to realize that when I felt jealous or upset on some evenings when my partner was on a date with someone else, it came from the false idea that I was “not enough” and that someone else was a better fit for him.
In reality, polyamorous people are capable of managing multiple meaningful, intimate relationships at once, without making certain partners feel less-than.
Unless your partner is doing something shady or deceitful, it’s important to get acquainted with the “why” behind your feelings of jealousy, and use that understanding to practice compersion: the poly term for feeling happy that your partner is happy.
Difficulty Finding Partners
Despite the array of inclusive apps that offer features for non-monogamous people, becoming polyamorous can make your dating life a little more difficult than it was before. If you meet a monogamous person you’re interested in and reveal to them that you’re polyamorous, there’s a chance they may not be willing to date you.
Additionally, some people who are already non-monogamous may not be in a dynamic that is compatible with yours. If they prefer a KTP structure and you like parallel polyamory, things might not work out.
Perspectives of Poly People
Beyond the pros and cons of polyamory as a concept, it’s hard to know how it will impact your life until you actually try. One helpful way to gain more insight is to hear perspectives and success stories from people who have been in polyamorous relationships before.
In an interview with Buzzfeed, one anonymous polyamorous person said, “I’ve been dating my girlfriend for six years and my boyfriend for two. I was dating her first, and although I felt really happy, I always felt something (or someone) was missing. I repressed it for years and felt ashamed for wanting more. I thought my only option was cheating, or that it was greedy to love more than one person… I know it’s unconventional, but I wish more people were accepting of poly relationships.”
“Feelings of jealousy still pop up but it leads to open discussions about why we felt jealous and what we are missing in our relationship in order to help.” — Anonymous poly person
Another poly person by the username Yes-more-of-that described their life as a married person with a wife and two other partners in a Reddit thread. They wrote, “My wife and I have grown closer, more independent, trusting of each other and we each benefited a lot from this journey. We have a meta date planned for this [Wednesday where] my datemate, wife, and I will hang out and make dinner. I wouldn’t change anything about my experience because both the good and hard moments made me who I am today and I love the person I’ve become.”
Poly Dating Creates New Standards of Trust
Polyamorous dating may be on the rise, but it’s so important to consider all the factors before diving into the lifestyle. Whether you’re single or in a long-term relationship, communicating with your partner or the people around you about your curiosity and being receptive to their feedback can help inform your decision.
Non-monogamy offers major benefits in the realm of freedom, feeling loved and supported, working through jealousy, and even strengthening pre-existing relationships. That said, these can only be experienced when your polyamory is ethical and consensual.
As long as everyone involved is comfortable and happy with the relationship style, you just may be able to build and enjoy the polycule of your dreams.