I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been ghosted. After hitting it off with a Hinge match on a few dates, he quietly withdrew from my life. No more texts, calls, or even Instagram interactions. It was a textbook ghosting situation, where he’d suddenly ceased communication without explanation.
But I’ll also admit that I’ve been the one doing the ghosting. In one instance, I didn’t believe we’d formed a strong enough connection after one date to warrant explaining our incompatibilities. Another time, I felt uncomfortable and feared retaliation if I made my disinterest clear.
Ghosting is a slang term that means to disappear from text conversations without warning or explanation.
Thanks to the advent of apps and social media, situations like these are common in today’s dating world. Without the consequence of in-person confrontation, people feel more empowered than ever to hit the block button and keep it moving.
So whether you’re trying to understand why you’ve been ghosted or trying not to ghost others, read on to learn more about what it is and how to respond.
Understanding Ghosting
We’re a digital-first society when it comes to dating: you meet partners on dating apps, keep up via social media, and contact them over text message. Because of this, ghosting is now more prevalent than ever. It’s easy to detach when your relationship relies on tech.
The Origins of Ghosting
An Elite Daily article claims that writer and cartoonist Hannah VanderPoel coined the term in her 2014 YouTube video “Ghoster’s Paradise.” The parody song explains that going on a few dates and never hearing back as “an epidemic.” It’s worth a watch:
Other sources claim that the term gained traction in 2015 after actress Charlize Theron shared how she slowly began ignoring then-partner Sean Penn’s calls and texts. The New York Times even released a ghosting explainer that year. Since then, ghosting has entered the mainstream and was even added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary in 2017.
The term itself implies that the other person has vanished like a ghost, and its definition is closely associated with modern forms of communication. In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, ghosting is described in reference to “phone calls, instant messages, etc.” It’s a practice that is unique to today’s technology.
Who Gets Ghosted?
Ghosting doesn’t discriminate. People of any gender or age can be impacted, though Gen Zers are more likely to engage. In a recent study, 77% of surveyed Gen Zers said that they have ghosted others compared to 61% of surveyed millennials, likely due to increased social media use by Gen Z.
It can also happen in any context. You probably hear the most about ghosting after first or second dates, when a relationship hasn’t been fully established; however, serious partners in long-term relationships can ghost too.
The practice isn’t limited to romantic relationships. Friends can ghost you for reasons ranging from prioritizing their romantic partners to disagreeing with the jokes you make. And a workplace is absolutely capable as well — if you’ve ever thought you crushed a job interview only to never hear back from the company again, you’ve been ghosted.
The Role of Technology in Creating Detachment
It’s easy to ghost when you feel like the person you’re talking to is just a picture on a screen. Because you don’t have to hear the pain in someone’s vocal reaction or see the disappointment on their face, digital communication creates a false sense of painlessness — but really, it’s just detachment.
The volume of people available on dating apps can make it feel like there are infinite options to choose from, but remember that each one is a real person with emotions. Always keep your empathy for those on the other side of the screen.
Solutions for Healthier Communication
Ghosting shouldn’t be normalized. Next time you are at a crossroads and considering ghosting, make the choice instead to send a brief, polite message if appropriate. You can simply state that you’ve enjoyed the time together but don’t see a long-term relationship blossoming, or that you’d like to remain friendly.
Who knows? Maybe the recipient will carry that practice forward with their future matches. Shifting acceptance of the practice and promoting healthier communication habits starts with you.
Why People Ghost
Although motivations vary from person to person, they often have to do with fear — of retaliation, of confrontation and having a serious conversation, or of internal feelings linked to past relationships and traumas.
Conflict Avoidance
A ghoster may be conflict-avoidant and reluctant to communicate difficult things directly. By ghosting, they’re taking the easy way out. To them, it’s better to simply let go than to muster up the courage to have an uncomfortable conversation. Ultimately, they lack the emotional maturity required to explain why they’re ending a relationship.
Feelings of Shame
You may think a ghoster hates you, when in reality they may have their own feelings to deal with. They might imagine that if they tell you they’re not interested, you’ll react poorly or cry, leaving them to feel ashamed or guilty.
It’s true that ending a connection is never easy, but the fear of these negative feelings shouldn’t hold you back from being upfront and honest. Unfortunately, sadness is just a part of dating. Better to get used to it than to ghost someone and run away from it.
Lack of Accountability
If you were to turn around and stop talking to someone at a bar or restaurant, you would hear some angry words or perhaps see your date’s saddened face. You might even get told off by friends or family members witnessing the snub. But by fading out over text, it’s easy to avoid these immediate reactions and repercussions.
Ghosters fear taking accountability, which is an integral part of being a mature adult with respect for others.
Indifference
Some people may ghost because they don’t feel that the relationship was meaningful enough to require an explanation. Opinions on this vary — if I go on one or two dates with someone, I prefer not to be given an explanation. I’d rather be ghosted than hear why someone disliked me or found us incompatible, given the short length of our connection.
But I know many who want to be notified regardless. Looking at it from the perspective of the potential ghoster, it makes sense that even if I wouldn’t want to know, the other person might feel more emotionally invested than me and deserve to know. You won’t know what feels right for you until you experience it, so take all your dates step by step.
Extenuating Circumstances
There isn’t always a sinister reason behind ghosting. Sometimes, life just happens. The person could be going through personal challenges or life transitions — i.e., mental health issues, family emergencies, or moving somewhere new — that pull their attention away from their phone and cause them to deprioritize romantic relationships.
The Psychological Impact
Ghosting can have serious emotional consequences. After all, it’s hard not to wonder if there might be something wrong with you after someone you thought was interested in you disappears. Below, we break down the worst of the impacts.
Emotional Reactions
Immediately, you may be hit with a wave of mixed feelings: confusion about why it happened, sadness due to being rejected, and anxiety about whether they’re going to come back.
Take time to sit with these difficult emotions. The lack of closure that a ghosting situation provides will make it difficult to move on, and not fully processing your feelings will make it even harder.
Impact on Self-Worth
After your self-esteem takes a hit, you might find that you second-guess your value in future relationships. I’ve wondered before if there was something wrong with me. Was it my appearance, the way I talked, or the hobbies I had? But take comfort in the knowledge that ghosting usually says more about the ghoster’s character than your own.
Trust Issues
If you’ve been burned before, it’s understandably difficult to trust others again in future romantic relationships. You might fear that anyone you connect with could disappear at a moment’s notice without explanation.
But it’s important to remember that no two people are alike, and many of the new people you meet won’t have the capacity to treat you as poorly as before. Finding and talking to a therapist can be a helpful tool for dealing with trust, as well as all of the above image and self-worth issues.
How to Respond to Ghosting
It happened to you. Now what? Below, I’ll arm you with the knowledge you need to stop being haunted by the past and cope with getting ghosted in the future.
1. Accept the Situation
Ghosting is a reflection of the other person’s behavior, not yours. It says more about the kind of person that they are if they’re able to discard you without a second thought.
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” — Malachy McCourt
With this in mind, before contemplating reaching out or throwing yourself into a plan to reinvent yourself and get them back, work on accepting the situation. Being ghosted is not a personal attack or reflection of your worth.
2. Give Yourself Time to Process
Some people might tell you that the best way to get over an ex is to meet someone new, but don’t rush into finding new dates. It’s best to allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of the relationship or connection.
Don’t be afraid to lean on the people around you for support — a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can lend a listening ear. Or try journaling and letter-writing (but not sending!) to get out all those things you wish you could say, in a healthy manner.
3. Avoid Rash Action
The thought of calling until they pick up or sending an angry expletive-filled message is tempting, but it’s best to avoid doing so. You probably won’t hear what you want — instead, it’s likely they’ll simply confirm their decision or not respond at all, leaving you even more upset.
And if there’s any chance of it working out in the future, you might hurt it by saying something you don’t mean. So let yourself calm down and give the situation time to settle.
4. Say What You Need to Say
If you truly feel that you can’t move on without receiving some sort of closure, you can send a respectful, well-thought-out message that asks for clarification on the situation. Only proceed with this if you’ve waited long enough to no longer be in the stage of angry, rash decision-making — your message should sound calm, not desperate.
Reaching out is optional, and not recommended if you’re expecting a response. The purpose of this step is to feel like you got to say what you wanted to say, but the inner peace you feel after should be derived from the fact that you tried your best, not because they finally came back to you. No one’s reaction is guaranteed.
5. Focus on Self-Care
The best path forward is one that centers yourself. Instead of wasting energy obsessing over someone who couldn’t show you basic respect, spend your time engaging in activities that boost your mental health. Physical exercise will give you a healthy dopamine boost, while seeing friends and family will remind you that you already have fulfilling relationships in your life.
6. Move Forward
Instead of fixating on the ghoster, focus on moving past them. It’s important that you stay open to new opportunities, because staying hung up on one person who doesn’t even want you could mean you miss your chance with someone who does. And it’s not limited to romantic relationships, either.
Pick yourself up and embrace what comes your way in your career, friendships, and hobbies. Living in the past won’t serve you well.
Confront Ghosting With Empathy
Ghosting is an unfortunate, but common reality for singles attempting to date in today’s world. But you can control how you respond to it and even break the cycle. When you choose not to ghost others and instead offer a compassionate, transparent response, you pave the way for your matches to continue treating others in a similar manner.
So if you’ve been ghosted, know that it’s on the ghoster, not you — your focus should remain on your personal growth. When you block out the noise and stop fretting over why they did you dirty, you’ll clear a space for healthier relationships in your future.
