What Are Dating Dealbreakers, and Has the Ick Gone Too Far?

Let’s be honest — certain dealbreakers might as well be law in the dating scene. Daters just have to draw the line at some things. Maybe it’s a biggie like infidelity, or maybe it’s more of a personal preference against long distance. Everyone draws their own line and sets boundaries for what they do not want.

Understanding what your relationship dealbreakers are can help you navigate the dating scene. But the lines often get blurry when it comes to what’s important enough to end things and what you can maybe let slide.

Dating dealbreakers relate to someone’s core values, qualities, and behaviors. The incompatibility is undeniable and cannot be resolved with compromise. 

Conflicting religious beliefs or substance abuse can be valid dealbreakers. But recently, we’ve seen young daters, in particular, claim to get the ick over more minor issues, including chewing loudly or committing a fashion faux pas. The ick is a minor discomfort that shouldn’t be used as a dealbreaker. I’m going to break down the difference so you can weigh the pros and cons the next time you feel icky about a date.

Defining Legit Dating Dealbreakers

People have an idea of their type and what they don’t want –– and they have every right to. But what’s key to dating successfully is knowing your boundaries and how they came about. By asking yourself, “Why am I setting this boundary?” you will be able to create a healthy way to identify what dealbreakers are and what are just plain ole icks. 

What Is a Dealbreaker?

When you think of a dealbreaker, you may think of someone not liking another person due to them not being their type, but it’s so much more than that! Dealbreakers are a nonnegotiable trait or behavior that, if exhibited by a potential partner, immediately ends the possibility of a relationship.

Stepping outside the box typically happens when you date, but stepping too far outside the box can lead to a dating catastrophe. There are some things that people shouldn’t compromise for their own sanity. 

For instance, if dating someone who drinks is a dealbreaker for you, you don’t want to compromise that because, down the line in the relationship, it can cause more headaches than needed. 

Types of Dealbreakers

People have different needs in a relationship and go through different life experiences. Therefore, everyone has different dating dealbreakers. You can identify your dating dealbreakers by reflecting on what your values are, your past, and what you truly want and need in a relationship.

Some dealbreakers are based on your core values, political views, or religious beliefs. For me, I knew early on before dating that religion was a dealbreaker of mine. I didn’t want to date someone outside my religion because I value sharing my Christian beliefs with a partner and eventually raising a family centered around those beliefs. 

Goals are important considerations for daters focused on settling down. Dating someone who doesn’t want to have kids might not be ideal if you do want to have kids — hence, that’s a dealbreaker. 

Some dealbreakers don’t show up right away. You may encounter a dealbreaker after you move in or get more serious with each other and stop pretending to be perfect. You might start to see red flags of abusive or toxic behavior and lifestyle or personality clashes.

A person who witnessed abuse in the household growing up may have a dealbreaker when it comes to communication styles and end the relationship after a fight where a partner yells or name calls. 

The Rise of The Ick Phenomenon

The ick phenomenon hasn’t always been around, at least in the way it is expressed now. The ick began as a trend among Gen Zers in the dating scene. Since then, singles have become wrapped around subtle turn-offs in dating life. Once an ick sets in, it can be hard to undo — no matter how great the person is overall.

What Is The Ick?

The ick is the inexplicable feeling of revulsion or discomfort when a person notices something minor or specific about a potential partner that ruins their attraction. It can be the way they laugh, smell, and even their choice of fashion. 

How you decide to move forward with those icks is what impacts your dating life.

Examples

During college, my friend came back and shared how her date went great, but there was just one thing that gave her the ick — he was a smacker. She didn’t have to say much after that. I totally understood. While chewing with your mouth open certainly isn’t a dealbreaker, it can definitely be an ick that can be hard to overlook. 

For foodies like me, going out to eat is a must while dating. So, dealing with someone who smacks and chews with their mouth open can be distracting and a big turn-off.

Motivations or Reasons Behind It

The ick isn’t intentional — it’s a sudden feeling that comes when a person acts a certain way. Although it may be sudden, these feelings can be long-lasting. 

Society and culture play a significant role in shaping how singles perceive dating behaviors and traits they find attractive (or unattractive). 

For example, fashion trends can signal a person’s social status and self-awareness. While that sounds great, it puts enormous pressure on people to find where they fit and cultivate a sense of style. 

Fashion trends, in particular, cause people to judge others superficially, and ultimately, that can cause perfectly suitable partners to be passed over for their lack of style.

Similarly, the media we watch can shape singles’ expectations of romance and even impact body image ideals. We all may hope to date a Ryan Gosling or Zendaya, but the right person may not live at the gym or have a godlike bone structure. They might just be a regular person who goes too long without getting a haircut or wears scruffy old shoes because they’re comfortable.

This leaves me to say — social and cultural influences shape the subconscious standards we bring into dating, often without even realizing it.

Criticisms & Flaws

With so many icks on the rise, you may wonder if singles are too picky nowadays. But I don’t think so! The truth is that the ick is not a new approach to dating. Instead, it’s just a fresh way of labeling a turn-off. However, I think it’s important to point out that the way singles talk about their icks is getting a little toxic. 

Quick, Superficial Judgments

In many ways, the ick simply captures how a person feels, or in some cases, can be used as a self-defense mechanism. Judgment is so easy to give, but being vulnerable with someone requires much more work on your part. 

The ick can be an excuse for avoiding vulnerability. People who have been hurt in past relationships can use the ick as an excuse not to be emotionally vulnerable with another person again. And as a result, contributes to a culture of superficial dating where people are dating for social or even financial gain instead of finding true compatible love. 

Since the ick is triggered by small, surface-level things, it can lead people to be more judgmental and miss out on potential partners who might have things in common with them. Icks are real feelings, but they often create environments where people overlook deeper connections in favor of dating someone who may not check all of their boxes. 

Especially in the dating world, this mindset is the norm and is only amplified. Dating apps that use swiping often promote instant gratification and superficial decisions. Dating culture as we know it today reinforces a cycle of perfectionism, where people are constantly looking for flawless matches and might miss out on connections that could develop into something meaningful if given the chance.

The Paradox of Choice

I think it’s safe to say that having choices isn’t a bad thing. Whether it is food or when you’re at the nail salon, it feels good to be able to have options. However, too many options while dating may encourage and heighten picky behavior. 

Having hundreds of profiles to swipe through can sound exciting, but it can make you start being hyper-aware of every little thing that doesn’t necessarily align with what you consider perfect. I like to think that the more options you have, the more you start to focus on what’s missing or not right rather than appreciating what’s in front of you.  

Unrealistic standards can also come from other external influences, such as our friends and family. Friends can unintentionally promote having unrealistic dating standards by encouraging you to fish out for more dating options instead of getting to know what you currently have. They, too, can have the ick about a potential partner you introduce them to, and their opinion of them can also make you feel as though you should explore other options. 

Keeping People At a Distance

When people have the ick, they might feel tempted to discard potential partners for minor or unimportant flaws. 

The ick puts a wall up and stops a new relationship from going any further. And unfortunately, it’s causing more disconnection in dating. 

People who are led by their icks rarely get to a deeper level of intimacy with people. The solution: I think it’s time we move past hashtags as relationships help to acknowledge that small things don’t matter as much as trust, love, and respect. 

Psychological and Social Implications

I have to admit that sometimes there’s a lot of dating pressure when it comes to finding a partner who is right for you. 

Sometimes, it’s not as crystal clear. Influences from society, your family, and what you see in the media can paint a picture for you of what the right partner is, but the challenge at hand is that it’s ultimately up to you to figure that out for yourself. 

Overthinking

Everyone wants to find the perfect partner, and because of this, people create certain expectations before they date. As an overthinker myself, it’s hard to calm your mind while dating when you have your heart set on finding that special someone. 

However, singles can sabotage their chances of finding a genuine connection by overanalyzing potential partners and what the dating experience should even look like. 

If you fixate on the worst-case scenario, your date will be ruined before it even begins.

Overthinking is a big issue when dating. Instead of dating as themselves, singles often feel pressure to be a perfect date and put on a facade that isn’t sustainable. Social media and dating apps have elevated overthinking and, unfortunately, superficial connections where singles feel like they should or should not date someone based on certain qualities.

Deeper Insecurities

Minor imperfections exist within all of us, but still, for a lot of people, it’s hard to accept and overlook some things. You may see a flaw in a date that reminds you of something you don’t like about yourself.

Personal insecurities play a major role in how people respond to imperfections. Insecure daters may try to ignore or run away from little things that give them an excuse to detach.

For example, someone who has an obnoxious laugh and hides it well may have an ick if someone they’re dating also has an obnoxious laugh. Being vulnerable in admitting to having flaws, which is why a lot of people resort to shaming others for what they’re truly insecure about deep down. 

Whether it’s fear of rejection, perfectionism, or projecting our self-doubt onto someone else, insecurities can create a distorted view of relationships and dating that can lead to a missed opportunity. 

Unrealistic Ideals

Look, life isn’t a romantic comedy. High expectations in the dating world will often lead to disappointment. You’re just not likely to find a partner willing to kiss you in the rain for very long. It’s cold. Go inside.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with setting expectations in your relationship. Just keep a clear head because certain relationship ideals are unrealistic and unhealthy. You don’t need roses every day, you need someone who makes you feel seen and heard.

Remember: movies are meant to tell stories, not be an accurate depiction of reality. Life isn’t a rom-com.

Singles often search for what love and relationships should look like in the media. Toxic portrayals of love bombing or codependence foster unhealthy relationship ideals.

Unrealistic ideals limit the dating pool to an unreasonable degree. Therapy may reveal that the real issue is fear of intimacy or commitment, and that ironically makes it harder for people to connect. 

Should We Reevaluate Our Standards in Dating?

When it comes to dating, it’s easy to imagine a dream partner and count up all the ways your dates fall short. While it’s definitely possible to find someone who checks off all your boxes, it’s important to recognize that dating requires you to be flexible — sometimes, a few boxes won’t be checked off. That’s OK.

There needs to be a healthy balance between standing firm on important dealbreakers and learning to accept minor icks.

My advice is to approach dating with careful judgment. An ick could be a temporary feeling that fades with time. As we all know, first impressions can be awkward, and it can be tempting to judge the way they dress or an offhand remark they make. But rein in the ick for the first few dates and give that person time to show their true colors.

Healthy partnerships require compromise. In an ideal world, you would get everything you want all the time, but unfortunately, we share the planet with eight billion other individuals — so compromise is inevitable. Figure out which dealbreakers are nonnegotiable, and carefully consider your icks while dating so you can find a partner who’s truly worth the effort.