Affairs are having a bit of a moment in pop culture, thanks in part to documentaries about Ashley Madison released in 2023 and 2024. The famous (infamous?) affair site has even reached a heady milestone of 80 million members.
Affairs have existed for about as long as monogamy has existed, and yet the world of illicit dating remains a mystery to many.
Affairs are a type of relationship betrayal where a person forms a romantic tie to someone who is not their partner.
Affairs are a complicated and controversial topic that deserves investigation. Understanding why people engage in affairs, what kinds of affairs exist, and what the research says about those who seek affairs will help shed some light on what goes on behind closed bedroom doors.
Defining 4 Types of Affairs
The first step to understanding affairs is to define the kinds of affairs that exist. Not every affair involves getting physical with someone outside the relationship, and some affairs even happen on a long-distance basis. None of these affairs are inherently more or less of a betrayal than any of the others, but they do satisfy different urges in those who partake in them.
1. Emotional Affairs
Emotional affairs are intimate, romantic relationships outside a monogamous partnership with no physical intimacy involved. What qualifies as an emotional affair can vary from one couple to another, and even from one person to another, but the characteristics are pretty straightforward.
- Frequent, emotionally intimate contact with a person other than your partner
- Deception or obfuscation to avoid your partner knowing about the other person, or about the depth of the relationship you have with them
- Neglect of your main, “public” relationship compared to the relationship with your affair partner
- Romantic or otherwise intimate gestures toward the affair partner
For some people, it can be difficult to distinguish a deep friendship from an emotional affair. The general rule is that emotional affairs are secretive, emotionally intimate attachments to someone outside of your relationship, with the intensity and character of a romantic connection.
2. Physical Affairs
Physical affairs are what most people tend to think of when they talk about affairs. This affair type can include emotional intimacy as well, but the primary focus is physical intimacy, generally sex.
What constitutes a physical affair can be just as tricky as an emotional affair, depending on the boundaries a person has, as well as the style of the relationship. Some people consider watching pornography to be the same thing as having sex with someone else — especially through direct platforms like OnlyFans.
At the most basic level, physical affairs are sexual contact with someone other than your partner, without your partner’s consent and agreement.
3. Online Affairs
Online affairs are generally a subset of emotional affairs, but they’ve become so common as to make up their own category.
Online affairs are intense, generally emotional entanglements with someone other than your partner, conducted through the internet. These entanglements can become more classic emotional or physical affairs, but start out purely on a website or app.
Classic examples of this type of affair are people who engage in intimate and/or sexual relationships with someone they meet in a chat room, on an MMORPG, or on another online platform. Sexting, sending explicit pictures, and other similar behaviors tend to come into play, but the online affair could be purely emotional.
4. Long-Term vs. Short-Term Affairs
Affairs of any type — emotional, physical, or online — can also be separated into long-term or short-term in nature. Long-term affairs are ongoing relationships with another person over months, years, or, in some cases, decades. Short-term affairs are usually days or weeks, but can be as short as hours.
Long-term affairs tend to involve more complicated maneuvering and logistics, and the people who engage in them tend to work in careers that enable them to justify long periods away from home. They’re more likely to have some emotional involvement as well as sexual contact, and long-term affairs are also more likely to result in children.
Short-term affairs tend to be more opportunistic rather than involved, and those engaging in short-term affairs usually take advantage of hookup apps or sites to find willing partners. They’re more likely to be purely physical, and people who engage in short-term affairs are more likely to do so on a serial basis.
Real-Life Perspectives
Steamy affairs are great drama when they happen in a series, book, or movie, but in real life, it’s a lot more complicated and even traumatic. People who cheat are not always blatantly evil jerks, and it isn’t only the victim of cheating who suffers mental health consequences.
Motives for Infidelity
It’s easy to assume that all affair-seekers have the same reasons for stepping outside their committed relationships, but the reality is a lot messier and more complicated. A Reddit post asking, “Why do people cheat?” provided a range of responses from victims, cheaters, and even private investigators, and the answers were surprisingly varied. The top response was very straightforward:
“People cheat to meet unmet needs or desires. To establish control. To reciprocate an injury. Because they have low self worth. To return to a place of nostalgia. Because they can.”
A Buzzfeed article asking people why they sought affairs also provides a lot of insight: one respondent said that their affair allowed them to disconnect from an abusive partner, while others claimed it was due to their unhappiness in their relationships, boredom, or a lack of clarity about their existing relationships.
Impact on Mental Health
It’s easy to see the impact that infidelity can have on the victim of infidelity, but the mental health of the affair-seeker isn’t a question that comes up often. In addition, many victims of infidelity find themselves expected to “get back to normal” quickly, whether they decide to stay in the relationship or not.
In communities like Reddit’s SupportforWaywards, former affair participants reflect on their behavior and the impact it had and continues to have on their mental health.
“[I’m] truly sorry to anyone going through this pain. None of us deserves this but understand that you’re not going through this alone. We’re all here for you. I hope my story helps you.” — Reddit post
Common themes across support groups and online communities for affair seekers are feelings of guilt, shame, and stress around their affairs, even long after the illicit relationship is over.
Of course, for betrayed partners, the pain is often immense and very difficult to move forward from. Members of support groups like Reddit’s SupportforBetrayed report struggling with their self-esteem, with the trauma of learning their entire lives with their partners were a lie. Betrayed partners also report feelings of grief, loneliness, and shame.
Ultimately, cheating impacts the mental health of everyone involved, often with devastating results. Several Ashley Madison members died by suicide following the 2015 leak of their information, and that reaction isn’t limited to high-publicity revelations of infidelity.
Signs of Cheating
Many betrayed partners are blindsided by the news that their other half cheated but, in hindsight, tend to realize that there were signs. Therapists agree that unfaithful partners tend to show signs and behaviors that are fairly consistent, even though every case is unique.
Common signs of cheating include:
- Frequent, unexplained (or poorly explained) schedule changes and decreased availability.
- Sudden changes in their sex drive, usually a sharp decrease.
- Baseless accusations of cheating or other forms of betrayal directed at you.
- Increased interest in their appearance and looking attractive.
- Sudden protectiveness over their phone, computer, or other devices, or demands for privacy.
- Intense mood swings, ranging from blow-up fights to overly generous gift-giving.
- Unexplained expenses, especially for hotels, bars, restaurants, or large withdrawals of cash.
Of course, these signs can all be part of a perfectly normal change in your partner’s personality, life goals, or desires, but they’re worth investigating when they arise.
Studies & Research
Because affairs have plagued society for as long as society has existed, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they’re the subject of quite a lot of research. Studies into why people cheat, how common affairs are, and the long-term effects of the behavior paint a nuanced picture of just how affairs play out in real life.
How Common are Affairs?
Given how often books, TV shows, films, and music all reference affairs, it would be easy to assume that they are depressingly common. It’s hard to pin down exact figures, however, because studies on the topic have to rely on self-reported behavior.
For example, a Technopedia deep-dive into the literature on cheating found that a staggering 71% of American participants in an OnBuy.com survey admitted to infidelity. That’s at odds with other surveys in the same analysis, which cite rates of 15 to 21%.
The consensus across multiple studies is that affairs are not extremely common on average, but not as uncommon as one would hope. I think an overall average of 20% would be a fair estimate.
Influencing Factors
Multiple factors influence who decides to seek out affairs and what kind of affairs they have, and those factors are not always obvious. For example, a literature review on infidelity published by the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that influencing factors included not just gender and age but also education, income, and even childhood trauma.
Women, for example, are more likely to seek emotional affairs, while men are more likely to seek physical affairs. The self-reported reasons for seeking partners outside the relationships are also different between men and women:
- Women are more likely to cite feeling unheard or unappreciated.
- Men are more likely to cite boredom or lessening attraction to their partners.
Overall, psychologists agree that the factors that predict cheating fall into three categories: personal, relationship, and context. Cheaters tend to have attachment issues, feel their relationships are already failing, and find themselves in a position to explore outside their relationships.
Long-Term Effects of Affairs
It’s no secret that affairs are devastating for the betrayed partner, but most people believe the effects are short-lived. In fact, research into the long-term effects of affairs shows that the impact can continue to echo through a person’s lifetime.
A study published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed that infidelity increased the risk of chronic health issues, meaning that cheating on a partner doesn’t just have the potential to upset them — it can lead to them becoming physically ill.
The same study review that found varied factors influencing infidelity also discovered that affair participants are almost as likely to develop suicidal thoughts or compulsions as their betrayed partners.
Cultural Context
Illicit affairs are nothing new. After all: the Anglican Church exists because of an affair between Henry VII and Anne Boleyn. Cultural context plays a big role not only in how prevalent illicit affairs are, but also in how they occur and who they occur with or between.
Historical Perspectives
While historical rates of infidelity are hard to track, a look at cultural norms of the past can give a strong indication of how common and accepted infidelity was in the past. Predictably, infidelity — adultery in biblical terms — was viewed differently depending on who engaged in it, as far back as the Middle Ages.
Throughout history, female affair-seekers have been treated much more harshly than men engaging in the same behavior. Thomas Jefferson notoriously faced few consequences for his involvement with Sally Hemmings, one of the slaves he owned.
When Alexander Hamilton engaged in an affair with a married woman, his political prospects were more damaged by the implication that he was also involved with her husband’s fraud scheme than the adultery he committed.
Societal Norms
It’s difficult to have a concept of an affair without first having the context of monogamy. Although cheating can and does still happen in polyamorous relationships, cultural norms around exclusive relationships between two people form the foundation of understanding infidelity.
Most societies practice some form of marriage, and monogamous marriages are by far the most common. Most cultures view marriage as a contract with rules, and cheating breaks the key rules of that contract.
As personal beliefs about intimacy broaden, however, what “counts” as cheating has become more complicated. With the growing popularity of swinging, polyamory, and kink culture, defining infidelity can be difficult.
Legal Implications
Because marriage is a contract, there are plenty of legal implications around infidelity, both for participants and victims of unfaithful spouses. Adultery bans still exist on the books in many states in the U.S., and although they’re not usually enforced nowadays, it used to be a much bigger risk to step out on your spouse.
“Only about a dozen people have been charged under New York’s [infidelity] law since 1972, and of those, just five cases have netted convictions.” — The Associated Press
Most infidelity between spouses is treated as a civil matter, however. Prenuptial agreements frequently include infidelity clauses to impose financial penalties if one of the couple engages in an affair, although whether or not those clauses are enforceable depends on how they’re written and the state you live in.
Pop Culture Influence
Popular culture plays a big role in most people’s choices, and cheating is no different. Pop culture references, norms, and depictions can help us understand a lot about the behavior and thought processes of people who seek partners outside their established relationships.
Famous Fictional Affairs
Affairs make for some pretty steamy fiction, and given the popularity of the cheating romance category on Amazon, plenty of readers like the twist on more traditional romantic tales. Infidelity also features heavily in the lives of some famous fictional characters (in my opinion, Ross and Rachel were on a break, so it was not cheating).
Don Draper wouldn’t be quite as iconic if he wasn’t a serial adulterer, and the events of “The Notebook” and “Fatal Attraction” wouldn’t have happened without infidelity.
Whether stories involve cheaters getting comeuppance or love affairs transcending social norms, affairs will likely be a staple of famous fiction as long as fiction exists.
Reality TV
There’s no question that reality TV has a dubious relationship with reality. The question for many psychologists, however, is whether reality shows change the way real people feel about relationships.
Shows like “Temptation Island” and “Too Hot to Handle” showcase promiscuity and infidelity in a salacious, extravagant way, which some experts believe makes it easier for people to view giving into temptation in their own lives as a minor infraction.
All reality love shows end up involving cheaters in some way. Over the seasons, we’ve seen many behind-the-scenes accusations of cheating on shows like “Love is Blind.” Sometimes contestants engage in infidelity and go on a dating show for clout and fame even if they are already booed up.
All in all, it’s easy to see how reality TV contributes to the normalization of affairs.
Social Media
Social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram also get their fair share of blame for making cheating easier. Studies into social media addictions and infidelity show that the external validation and easy access to parasocial relationships that Facebook, Instagram, and the like offer can offer a sense of opportunity to “explore.”
The phenomenon is so common, in fact, that joint social media accounts have become a red flag for a history of infidelity in a couple.
Navigating an Affair Isn’t so Exciting IRL
While affairs may seem to be all the rage in fiction as well as real life, the damage that they do can lead to tragedy. By understanding motivations, impact, and behavior, however, it’s easier to avoid the pitfalls and heal from the trauma.
Whether you’re considering engaging in an affair, or recovering from a partner’s betrayal, understanding the world of illicit dating is complicated but worthwhile.
