Attraction is the primary driver behind human connection. Many long-lasting relationships begin with just one look. Someone cute catches your eye from across a room, standing out from a crowd of friends. Maybe they’re your exact physical type, or maybe they just possess an inexplicable ‘vibe’ — either way, you’re instantly drawn to them.
But attraction goes much further than skin-deep, and after someone captures your attention, you can become more or less attracted to them based on various emotional and intellectual factors of compatibility.
Below, I’ll dive into the different types of attraction and the role they play in your dating life. Whether you’re figuring out what you’re into or trying to decide how much you really like someone, learning more about what attraction even is will help you along your dating journey.
Definition of Attraction
In the dating world, attraction can be defined as the feeling of romantic interest and desire based on a variety of factors. Attraction can be very powerful — like an invisible bond beckoning you closer to someone.
Attraction is most commonly referred to in a physical context, but emotional, intellectual, and social attraction are equally important to consider as you meet potential partners.
Theories of Attraction
Several theories exist to explain the science behind attraction. Evolutionary theory posits that attraction functions as a biological mechanism for reproduction. Under this theory, physical attractiveness conveys genetic quality and reproductive potential. We are driven to seek out intimacy with the end goal of reproducing.
The social exchange theory argues that people experience attraction based on perceived benefits and that we seek relationships in which the rewards outweigh the costs. For instance, you might like someone who is considered attractive because you subconsciously believe that being with them will elevate your profile or make you appear similarly attractive.
Finally, the similarity theory claims that people are generally attracted to those with similar physical characteristics and levels of attractiveness. Psychologist Donn Byrne also believes that personality similarity has a key role in the longevity of a marriage.
Types of Attraction
You might find someone physically attractive, but feel very little emotional attraction. Or you might find that sexual attraction doesn’t play a huge role in your dating life, preferring instead to connect with someone intellectually. Ultimately, attraction looks different for everyone.
Physical Attraction
You’re most likely to be attracted to those who are similar to yourself.
Shared cultural norms and a sense of familiarity contribute to this – but it’s not a hard-and-fast rule, especially as 22% of married couples in 2022 identified as interracial couples.
Beyond ethnicity and culture, many are also attracted to people who fit typical beauty standards.
But everybody has their own unique “type.” You might not find a conventionally attractive model attractive, even though all your friends do. Physical attraction seems simple, but can be hard to truly define.
Emotional Attraction
Unlike physical attraction, which can be felt relatively quickly after meeting someone, emotional attraction may take a bit of time to grow.
Deeper emotional bonds are built as you navigate conflict together and share more personal information about your background.
Being empathetic and communicating with each other openly will allow emotional attraction to build.
Remember that emotional intelligence is a skill that can be worked on like anything else: if you or your partner are struggling to understand each other’s emotions initially, don’t give up on having meaningful conversations.
Intellectual Attraction
Your shared worldview and ability to think through problems similarly will drive much of the day-to-day activities in your relationship.
That’s why it’s important to feel attracted to someone’s brain as well as their face or body.
Intellectual attraction is based on personality traits including intelligence, sense of humor, and values.
It’s driven by a feeling of similarity, and is especially important as you consider whether you and your partners have compatible perspectives.
Sexual Attraction
Various biological factors influence the degree to which you’re sexually attracted to someone. Being human, we’re motivated to reproduce; evidence suggests that people are sexually attracted to physical traits such as wide hips or large breasts because they signal fertility.
Psychological factors also play a part. If you’re seeking to play a submissive role in the bedroom, for example, you might be most sexually attracted to someone who displays signs of dominance.
Sexual attraction is different from romantic desire, but the two often go hand in hand. Romantic desire will deepen when you have sex. Being in love means craving closeness, and the physical intimacy draws you closer.
It’s also possible to be sexually attracted to someone without feeling emotionally compatible to the point that you’d like to be in a relationship. But sexual desire can be strong enough to cloud better judgment. Sex releases oxytocin, the “love chemical” which helps us to feel intimate and relaxed.
How Attraction Works
Feelings naturally develop and strengthen as you get to know someone, so it’s important to gain a good understanding of how attraction dynamics work at every level of interaction. I’ve broken it down from first date to full-on relationship.
First Impressions
Through experiencing good times and weathering hardships together, true love develops over time. However, while “love at first sight” might be the stuff of movies, good initial chemistry makes it possible to experience a feeling that lets you know you’ll fall in love in the future.
Think about when people tell you that they “just had a feeling” after first meeting their future husband or wife. While this statement doesn’t necessarily mean that they were instantly in love, they might have been able to tell from first impressions that they were excited about the possibilities of the relationship. This rare form of attraction can’t be forced, but you’ll know it when you feel it.
The Conversation Clicks
As you get to know each other, attraction will grow with each conversation. And when you’re apart, texting or talking on the phone will keep the momentum going. In an increasingly digital age, though, it’s possible that a text sent through a dating app could be your first impression overall.
So, if you’re texting someone you met online, keep things light while being responsive. A good rule of thumb is to text the same way you would initiate a conversation in real life. Ask questions and answer theirs thoughtfully, don’t immediately crack rude jokes, and make a move to initiate an in-person date when you feel comfortable doing so.
Sometimes, you’ll find that you and a match share the same “texting style” and feel an instant virtual connection. However, try to talk in person before getting your hopes too high, as chemistry and attraction can shift once you’re meeting in real life.
Courtship and Relationship Formation
Deep attraction on all levels–physical, emotional, intellectual, and sexual–leads to an increased desire for commitment. This feeling will build over time as you decide that you want to be in a relationship with each other.
Some Reddit users share that when they are in a relationship, they don’t find anyone else attractive. They claim that other people disappear and their person is the only one they have eyes for. However, you’re only human, and it’s natural to still experience passing attraction to others, while recognizing that acting on those impulses will lead to infidelity and the demise of your relationship.
On the flip side, extreme attraction also makes it possible to move too fast. Love bombing occurs when someone shows you excessive affection and flattery.
Occasionally, a partner may not be aware they’re doing this and may simply feel that they actually are that attracted to you. I’d be wary though: Love bombing often conceals dangerous jealousy and a desire to manipulate you into reliance on them.
Similarly, the honeymoon stage – the initial months of a relationship – is characterized by feelings of infatuation and a sense of euphoria. You may feel (incorrectly) that any conflict between the two of you is impossible. When reality sets in later down the line, you’ll realize that nobody is perfect.
Dating Challenges
Ever gotten “the ick” and just couldn’t seem to put your finger on the reason? Societal standards have a huge bearing on what we perceive as unattractive. From gendered differences to stereotypes, here’s how our dating behaviors and perception of our self-worth can shift over time.
Unrealistic Standards and Self-Esteem
Whether we realize it or not, our self-images are constantly being influenced by societal beauty ideals. Social media as well as film and television promote appearances that have been carefully maintained through surgery, makeup, and extreme fitness training — things that the average person might not be able to access.
These images can impact self-esteem, and expecting potential partners — or yourself — to live up to these unrealistic standards can undermine or even prevent deeper connections from forming. Try to focus on what’s in front of you rather than comparing a potential partner to a celebrity.
Gender Differences
It’s often said that men fall in love through their eyes, while women fall in love through their ears. However, heteronormative and stereotypical statements like this one ignore the complexities of human behavior.
A man can find a woman physically attractive but fall more deeply into love based on conversational compatibility — through his ears, so to speak — just as a woman can. Perpetuating assumptions that men are more shallow or women are more emotional can limit you from experiencing a deeper attraction.
Wealth & Economic Factors
Attraction based on wealth can impede true connection. Stereotypically, “gold diggers” are daters who are primarily concerned with marrying into wealth to advance their own status. If you’re a high-value individual, it may feel difficult to discern whether someone’s interest in you is genuine.
The Future of Attraction
Great news: being emotionally available is only going to get sexier. During the COVID-19 pandemic, looks mattered less, as the distance created by quarantine emphasized emotional connections. Today, those impacts remain, and technology has enabled more accessibility and different types of relationship styles.
The Role of Technology
Tech-powered dating has its pros and cons. On one hand, it’s easier than ever to talk to someone attractive – -ever-popular apps like Tinder and Hinge allow you to access what feels like an infinite number of people. Plus, the algorithms that power these apps take note of your preferences, taking the legwork out of locating people who are your ‘type.’
But, this may also lead some to feel as if they have infinite options. People you’d normally be attracted to may start to feel less attractive as you become numb to swiping after seeing so many options who look like them. Avoid this by remaining intentional about your dating goals and dating app usage — more on that later.
Body Positivity
As societal standards evolve to be more inclusive, the people we deem conventionally attractive have also become increasingly diverse. For example, Ashley Graham became the first plus-size model to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit issue in 2016, paving the way for other plus-size individuals to gain confidence from body-positive media representation.
Though the type of body you prefer will differ from others’ types, there’s no doubt that all bodies are being celebrated right now.
Evolving Relationship Styles
Non-traditional relationship styles have taken a significant hold. A February 2023 YouGov poll found that 34% of surveyed Americans described their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy.
As dating apps allow users to indicate polyamory, open relationships, and other styles of dating within their preferences, there is room for everyone to experiment with evolving tastes. These relationships are a great way to try out experiencing attraction to multiple partners.
Intentional Dating
As more singles reckon with the aforementioned “swipe fatigue” or dating app burnout, emotional connection has gained importance over physical appearance. Many Gen Zers are even abandoning dating apps altogether in pursuit of more meaningful real-life connections–in person, conversation can thrive and singles may be less likely to judge off physical attractiveness alone.
Attraction Is Always Evolving
Attraction is a fickle thing to navigate in the modern dating landscape. You might feel something strong initially, and later watch it fizzle out as you realize that you were only experiencing sexual attraction – not emotional attraction.
But the only way to understand the differences is to get out there and learn by doing. Whether swiping through the apps or meeting for drinks in person, you’ll discover more about your type and what attracts you emotionally, intellectually, and physically.
As you continue on your dating journey, I’d advise you to remain intentional and open to attraction in all of its forms.
