Red flags let you know when danger is near and it’s time to practice caution. The issue with red flags in dating is that they can be hard to spot. When they start appearing, you’re often in the honeymoon phase and more willing to make excuses for questionable behavior.
I’ve gotten a lot better at identifying and avoiding red flags than I used to be. In my younger days, a red flag could have smacked me in the face, and I would’ve tried to convince you it was green. But one relationship full of red flags — and its eventual fallout — taught me the importance of getting my colors right.
I was 19 and, like so many 19-year-old women before me, was obsessed with a slightly older man who didn’t deserve my obsession.
Within a month of dating, not only had I heard every last gripe about all his ex-girlfriends, but we had exchanged “I love yous” and “I need yous,” and I had become his most trusted taxi service to get home from the bar. Big shocker: this relationship did not last, and I wouldn’t describe the end as amicable.
As I’m describing this relationship, you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, that’s like one million red flags.” And you would be right. But a red flag doesn’t mean much, or do its job of warning you if you don’t know what it looks like.
It would be great if unhealthy behavior came with a huge red flag waving above it, but it doesn’t. By knowing what red flags look like in dating, you can identify them in the early stages and then stay far away from them.
Red Flags for In-Person Dating
In dating, “red flags” are signs of unhealthy, manipulative, or abusive behavior that show up at the beginning of a relationship. They’re giving you a sign that things are not all good.
A red flag isn’t just one thing. Many behaviors can be considered red flags. It’s the kind of thing that you know when you see it. In person, you can identify red flags by observing how your date communicates, behaves, and expresses their emotions. Red flags signal emotional immaturity, so look out for signs that point to that.
Communication Issues
You don’t want to be in a relationship with a poor communicator. Communication issues can span a wide gamut — some people may have a hard time making plans, others may have a hard time telling you how they feel about something, and others may be overly critical or belittling.
Nobody is the perfect communicator in all situations. But the way your date speaks to you should make you feel safe and comfortable.
If a partner is unwilling to talk to you sometimes, you shouldn’t tolerate that stonewalling. If they avoid making plans for the future with you — that’s a red flag. If they talk down to you, make you feel dumb, or use harsh language with you — that’s a huge red flag.
From the get-go, a potential date’s communication style should put you at ease. If it doesn’t, they’re probably not the right person for you.
Controlling Behavior
You’re your own person, and your partner should treat you like it. If they’re telling you what you can and cannot do, that’s a demonstration of controlling behavior. This kind of behavior can aim to control friendships, relationships with family, work, school, and finances. It can show itself in big and small ways.
Behavior that could be considered controlling is common among younger couples. I know couples who insist on having their partner’s location, panic when they can’t see where their partner is, and have access to their social media passwords (and use this access without discretion). And everybody ends up getting hurt in the process.
You shouldn’t monitor your partner’s social interactions, whether they’re in person or online. It’s up to you to draw personal boundaries around what you share, but you shouldn’t be anxiously tracking your partner’s location or constantly asking them where they are.
Emotional Instability
We all have our bad moments, but if you feel like you can’t rely on your partner to show up for you consistently, it could be a red flag.
Even during arguments and on rough days, you should treat your partner with respect and care, and your partner should do the same.
Another red flag is overreactions to minor issues.
Accidentally spill your drink? Burned dinner? It’s not the end of the world, and if someone seems to get really angry about small things, it’s a sign they’re not very stable. Which is, you guessed it: a red flag.
Lack of Respect for Boundaries
Strong and healthy boundaries are a cornerstone of any worthwhile relationship. Boundaries are the lines we draw in relationships to protect our well-being, and we all have our own boundaries. While boundaries are limits, they are also made to nurture and protect our relationships.
If someone is violating your boundaries or pressuring you to change or violate that boundary yourself, that’s a red flag. No one should ever pressure you into physical contact of any kind, whether that’s kissing, hugging, or sex.
It’s important for you to communicate your boundaries and what crosses the line of your comfort zone.
Your partner should respect your personal space and preferred level of privacy; they should also be curious about these things. If they’re not, or they’re ignoring them altogether — big red flag.
Dishonesty
Usually, when people lie, it’s because the lie is easier or less painful than the truth. Dishonesty, even about small things, is a red flag. If a date keeps telling you inconsistent stories or details about their life or background, trust that gut feeling that something isn’t right.
My best friend dated a guy who told her on their first date that he was divorced. Which is fine, but we were 21 at the time — and he was too. I think it’s fair to say it is exceedingly uncommon to meet someone divorced at that age.
The first time I met this guy, he brought up his divorce again (weird), but this time he adorned the story with the amendment of an annulment, not a divorce, because his ex-wife’s dad was in with the county judge. OK, sure. It was so clearly a tall tale and a huge red flag.
History of Unhealthy Relationships
Speaking of divorce, when it comes to dating history, red flags aren’t about the relationships themselves. Each of us has made mistakes in past relationships, and a breakup, separation, or divorce in and of itself isn’t a red flag.
The way a person talks about and treats their exes can be a red flag. If someone is constantly putting down and speaking negatively about all the people they’ve dated in the past, that’s a sign that they haven’t reflected on the relationship or the role they had to play in its breakdown.
Maya Angelou expressed it best: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Substance Abuse
Excessive drinking and drug use are red flags. I’m not talking about people who enjoy a nice cocktail or occasionally partake in recreational weed (where it’s legal).
When someone’s drug or alcohol use seems to have a big influence on their life, impacts their behavior and schedule, and alters their personality, it’s a red flag.
If their drug or alcohol use results in problematic behavior, and then they dismiss your concerns when you bring it up, it’s a sign they don’t have control of their substance use. They’re probably not a person who’s in the right place to date.
Red Flags in Online Dating
Red flags look a little different online, but you can still see them. Sometimes, people will put their red flags on display, not even knowing they’re red flags. Vague profiles, pressure over text, and love bombing are just a few of the things you should look out for when you’re swiping.
Profile Inconsistencies
If a person looks vastly different in every photo or seems highly edited, that could be a red flag. We’re all putting our best foot forward when we make our dating profiles, but watch out for photos with heavily filtered faces or bodies.
If a profile is missing basic information, like a real name, or seems to have an inaccurate age, it’s probably a red flag. You want to give your time to the users who seem most dedicated to the experience and are meaningfully crafting their profiles.
Pressure to Move Too Quickly
Nobody should pressure you to do things you aren’t comfortable with. It’s a red flag if another user is pushing you to meet up, send pictures, or share personal information.
If something another user is doing makes you uncomfortable, trust your gut, stop chatting, and unmatch with them.
Lack of Accountability
While the ostensible purpose of online dating is to facilitate in-person relationships, not every user is eager to make things serious.
If you’re interested in calling or meeting face-to-face and they keep on finding reasons why they can’t make it happen, take it as a sign they’re not interested in anything real.
Love Bombing
Watch out for people on dating apps who seem to be in love right away. Love bombing is a manipulative technique people use to gain your trust and affection. They do this by bombarding you with compliments, affection, and attention from the very start of the relationship.
Love bombing and making big promises early on are red flags. Your online dating messages should keep a natural and comfortable pace; nobody should be saying “I love you” over Tinder chat.
Excessive Jealousy
Exclusivity requires commitment, so if somebody wants the first but doesn’t want to give the latter, we’ve got ourselves a red flag. If you’re still just in the chatting stages and someone is displaying jealousy or possessiveness, get out of there.
A jealous partner can create emotional chaos and limit natural social interactions.
Looking out for that red flag is going to save you a lot of stress down the line.
Fake Identity
This is an obvious one. If you find out somebody was using a fake name on their dating profile or lied about other significant personal information on their profile, get out of there. If they seem to want to keep you a secret or not share their social media profiles with you, this is a huge red flag.
Financial Manipulation
Nobody should be asking you for money over a dating app messenger. Never send money or financial information to someone you don’t know and trust in real life.
If someone on a dating app asks for money, block them immediately. It’s not only a red flag, but almost always some sort of scam.
Red Flags Related to Emotional and Mental Health
All red flag behavior is going to take some kind of toll on your emotional and mental health. Some kinds of behavior are more harmful and damaging than other kinds.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. The term is misused often thanks to TikTok armchair psychologists, but it’s important to get the definition right so you can identify it if it happens in your own relationships.
Gaslighting involves someone who makes you question your beliefs, behaviors, and perception of reality through covert manipulation.
This manipulation tactic aims to make you question your perception of reality so the person gaslighting you can have more control.
People can be manipulative but not necessarily gaslighting. Gaslighting happens in an effort to sow self-doubt and destroy confidence. Don’t let anyone deny your feelings or experiences. You should feel safe being vulnerable with your partner. If you don’t, that’s a red flag.
Passive Aggression
Mature people tell their partners when they’re upset. Passive aggression happens when people can’t express their feelings directly, so they express them indirectly through anger, resentment, or silent treatment.
A great partner will want to deal with problems head-on and communicate with you about any concerns you may have in the relationship. Direct communication is more difficult for some people than others. It’s about working on your communication skills while finding a way to communicate about sensitive topics as comfortably as possible.
We should practice patience with our partners, who may have a hard time expressing their emotions. But if a partner is withholding affection or communication as a form of punishment, it’s not only a red flag but manipulative behavior.
Disrespectful Humor
Playful teasing has a limit, and you can feel when it’s been crossed. It’s a red flag if someone makes jokes at your expense and makes fun of the things that are important to you. If you let them know their joke hurts your feelings and they seem to not care, take that as a sign they aren’t the person for you.
Humor that’s consistently disrespectful of certain topics or groups of people is a red flag. Examples could be cracking jokes at the expense of someone’s race, gender, sexuality, or ethnicity. In a lot of cases, it’s bigotry barely covered with the blanket of “it’s just a joke!”
Red Flags That Could Lead to Future Relationship Issues
Red flags give you hints at what may become bigger problems down the line in your relationship. Think of them like beach warning flags. When a red flag is flying over the ocean, that flag is telling you not to get into the water because it’s dangerous and you could drown.
When a red flag flies over a relationship, it’s telling you the same thing: Don’t try to swim in these waters.
Avoidance of Conflict Resolution
If somebody seems to avoid difficult topics at the beginning of the relationship, it’s a sign they’re going to be the same way later on. Disagreements can be overwhelming to navigate at the beginning of a relationship, but they’re also an opportunity.
They give you the chance to see how you and your partner respond to conflict and if you can deal with it effectively together. At their core, conflicts are an opportunity for growth and deepened connection.
If they refuse to discuss problems openly or resort to silence and withdraw during disagreements, that’s a big red flag.
Lack of Shared Values or Goals
Some things that can cause big conflict later in a relationship can be easy to ignore at the beginning. Initial attraction to someone often has very little to do with their hopes for a family, their career goals, or their religious beliefs.
For example, if you don’t want kids, don’t date people who want kids. If you want kids, don’t date people who don’t. It’s not necessarily a red flag if someone wants or doesn’t want children, but discord between your opinions is.
Long-term relationships rely on shared values and goals more than they do shared activities or interests. If your core beliefs aren’t well-matched, that might be the biggest red flag of them all.
Reluctance to Compromise
The only thing we can rely on in life is change. We need partners who can grow with us as we navigate life’s many challenges. Stubbornness or selfishness in decision-making can be a big red flag.
You want a teammate who’s going to help you solve problems, not somebody set in their own way.
You and your partner are equals in the relationship, and your problem-solving and conflict-resolution approaches should reflect that. If you’re looking for a committed relationship, you’re going to want someone who can support and love you through life’s many changes.
Trust Your Instincts & Vet Partners Carefully
Familiarize yourself with common red flags and develop your own concept of what a red flag means to you. When you see one and decide you want to stop dating, you don’t need to tell your soon-to-be ex all about their red flags. Express your feelings succinctly and end things without too much fanfare.
And remember — green flags exist too. It’s important to be aware of red flags while dating, but don’t forget to stay mindful of the things you’re looking for in a partner, too.
I’m a strong believer that relationships are one of our greatest teachers. But we don’t need any extra education in unhealthy relationships. When you can identify and then steer clear of red flags, you’re setting yourself up for happy and long-lasting relationships — and way less heartbreak.
