When I met my partner, we lived over 300 miles apart. We were both in college; he was at school in Gainesville, Florida, and I was in Atlanta, Georgia. We met when he came to visit his childhood friend — my roommate — and we fell for each other.
We’ve been happily living together for almost three years now. But before that, we had a year and a half of a long-distance relationship. It wasn’t always easy, but it was so worth it for us.
Long-distance relationships (LDRs) are romantic relationships where partners are geographically separated, typically living in different cities, states, or countries.
LDRs may be temporary, or they may take up the entire duration of the relationship. In a globally connected world, the number of long-distance relationships is growing, especially among younger generations.
It’s much easier — and less expensive — to have a long-distance relationship these days. FaceTime and Zoom make staying in touch a high quality and basically free experience.
If you’re considering pursuing an LDR, know that it can work and even has its benefits. But being in an LDR comes with some natural difficulties — from communication issues to sheer loneliness — that you need to keep in mind before jumping in head first.
The Rise of Long-Distance Relationships
According to Survive LDR, 14 million Americans were in LDRs in 2023. That’s a lot of people!
While there are many reasons for relationships to span some distance, there are a few common trends that many LDRs follow.
Historical Context
LDRs aren’t new, but technology has changed how we manage them. Before the digital era, LDRs were primarily maintained through letters, occasional phone calls, or infrequent visits. Long-distance phone calls were expensive, so most couples used them sparingly.
Just like today, couples engaged in LDRs for a variety of reasons, but perhaps the most visible reason for taking relationships long distance was war. While military couples still deal with the struggles of long-distance, drafts meant that a sizable portion of the United States was engaged in wartime international relationships in WWI, WWII, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War.
Not only do military couples deal with the general pain of an LDR, but they also face the fear of one partner facing harm and violence.
Contemporary Trends
Career mobility and education have contributed to more people entering LDRs. Survive LDR reports that 40% of long-distance relationships are college relationships, like my own.
Approximately 70% of college students report being in an LDR for some portion of their college years.
We live in an increasingly globalized world, which makes it easier to fall in love with people from a different background. You may have a different native language from your partner, but easily find common ground. I grew up in California, while my partner is from Florida, 3000 miles away. Aside from his saying “sir” and “ma’am” and my tendency towards upspeak, we have few cultural differences.
Especially since the COVID-19 pandemic, society has an increased acceptance of non-traditional relationship structures, such as LDRs. Few singles are sticklers about how frequently they go on dates, whether they spend the night for multiple days (as you might visiting your partner out of state), or the exact timeline of their relationship.
People who feel strongly about these things might be better served dating locally, where it’s easier to have strict relationship expectations.
How Technology Connects Couples
Anyone who’s been in an LDR in the last few years will tell you that technology is a godsend. I truly have no idea how my relationship would have started without texting and FaceTime. Thanks, Apple!
Communication Tools: Direct & Instant Connection
The biggest area in which tech products have improved LDRs is definitely communication. Snail mail simply can’t compete with direct messaging technology. There are a few specific categories of communication tech that couples can (and should use) to keep in touch with each other and keep the relationship fun.
Texting & Messaging Apps
Couples within the same country can always keep in touch with standard texting. They can also use direct messaging apps like WhatsApp, Telegram, and Facebook Messenger, no matter the international borders.
Everyone has different styles for texting and messaging, so be sure to express the level of communication frequency you want from your partner. If you want to be texting back and forth throughout the day or limit it to certain times, they should know that.
Video Calling
In my opinion, the biggest stride forward in communication technology in recent years has been the improvements in video calling. Skype has been around for years, but Zoom, FaceTime, and Google Meet have made the user experience of video calling much better. Lag times are short, making it easy to have a fluid conversation without having to constantly say: “You’re breaking up. What was that, again?”
Talking on the phone can still be nice, but when you video call you get to see the body language of your partner, which is a huge part of communication. When you’re falling in love, seeing their expressions is important!
Social Media
You may think of social media as a tool for keeping up with acquaintances, but it can help your romantic relationships as well. Whether you’re using Instagram, Snapchat, or Facebook, these tools allow partners to stay updated on each other’s lives. You can see what they’re up to on the day to day and learn more about what their lives look like normally.
Additionally, you can show your humor by sending each other memes or social media posts back and forth. I’m not a big social media user, but I go on Instagram a couple of times a week to see the memes my partner has sent me.
Shared Experiences Through Apps
The pandemic encouraged many technology companies to develop ways for people to make traditionally solo activities — like binging a television show or listening to music on your phone — group activities, no matter the distance. Netflix Party, Spotify, and gaming platforms allow couples to watch movies, listen to music, or play games together despite the distance.
A long-distance dinner date can be a great way to foster intimacy. Try cooking together, or order your favorite takeout.
When we started dating, my partner and I would do a weekly movie night via Netflix Party. While it wasn’t the same as watching something together from the same place, it was nicer than trying our best to time our watches on our own!
Changing Patterns of Communication
In part because of the improved communication technology, increased frequency of contact within LDRs has become commonplace, with quick check-ins becoming routine. Some couples in LDRs communicate more frequently than local couples!
Many LDRs are part of the “always on” culture many people experience in the modern workplace. There’s no reason not to stay in touch all the time, so partners are expected to stay in contact nearly 24/7. This can be intoxicating when you start dating someone, but it can lead to resentment and a significant time commitment over the course of a relationship.
Texting somewhat takes the place that writing letters used to. But face-to-face intimacy in LDRs is often achieved through video calls, phone calls, and voice messages that can add a personal touch to communication from far away. Many long-distance couples have regular dates over FaceTime to catch up and spend some quality time together, if only through their screens.
Virtual Reality (VR)
Long-distance relationships are particularly popular among prolific VR users, who may have ample opportunity to connect with each other in their virtual world, despite the distance. But even couples who met in real life can benefit from the realistic third setting that VR platforms offer.
VR platforms like AltspaceVR and Oculus enable couples to “meet” in a virtual space, simulating shared experiences like walking through parks, having dinner together, or attending events. They can feel pretty realistic, so you might even forget that you’re hundreds of miles apart.
The Psychological Impact
If you haven’t been in an LDR, you might assume that they’re all bad or emotionally painful. Don’t get me wrong, dating at a distance isn’t without its hurdles. But for people who tough out the distance, the experience can be a positive one.
Positive Effects
Studies have found that the differences in relationship outcomes between LDRs and geographically close relationships are negligible. Individual compatibility has a lot more to do with relationship longevity than distance. While there are some definite negatives in LDRs — which I’ll get to — there are some real upsides, too.
Increased Emotional Closeness
My partner and I were long-distance for the start of our relationship, which, in hindsight, was great for us. There was no way to make the relationship work without putting our full effort into communicating consistently, which, in turn, meant that neither of us was ever unsure where the relationship stood or how the other felt.
DTR (Defining the Relationship) is critical for every relationship, but especially for LDRs. Communicate openly with your partner to avoid any ambiguity.
Regular communication and the shared experience of being long distance can help strengthen the emotional bond. You may even get to know your partner better than you would have otherwise, as your relationship consists more heavily of talking instead of just hanging out in each other’s presence.
Sense of Security
LDRs will naturally come with a bit of loneliness. You’ll miss your partner, and it will be a bummer when things come up — parties, dinners with friends, even trips — that you wish they could come to.
But at the same time, knowing that your partner is just a video call away can help reduce feelings of loneliness. Sometimes, it can be easier to live your life independently with the knowledge that there’s someone far away who cares deeply for you, and who you’ll hopefully see again soon.
Creativity in Communication
There’s no room for slacking in an LDR, which means that you and your partner need to come up with fun ways to show you care. Sending gifts through delivery services, surprise video calls, or virtual date nights add excitement and novelty to the relationship. It can be easier to take a partner who lives close by for granted, but when you’re far from each other, you’re constantly thinking of ways to be especially sweet.
And when you do get to see each other, it becomes a mini-vacation. My partner and I saw each other for about a weekend every six weeks. When we did, we would fill it with fun activities, going out to dinner, planning hikes and trips to museums, and generally spending as much quality time with each other as we could.
Negative Effects
There will be days in an LDR that are, to be blunt, the worst. Even the best of couples struggle at times when they’re far apart, and for some people, that can be a nonstarter.
Dependence on Technology
I credit tech with making my relationship possible in the first place. But I’m not the type of person who’s online all the time. I’m bad at responding to texts (sorry, friends), and I’m seldom on social media. When my relationship was long distance, I was online more than I usually wanted to be.
For some couples, the overuse of digital tools might result in feeling disconnected when not in touch or the perception of “living online” rather than in person.
You might start to panic when you haven’t gotten a text from your partner for a few hours, or spend much of your time at home talking to them online. It can start to take up a big part of your life and even do more to strain the relationship than support it.
Miscommunication
Ever misinterpreted a text? It’s easy to do, and when your whole relationship is lived out online, misinterpretation can create major problems. Lack of non-verbal cues (like body language) can lead to misunderstandings, which are harder to navigate in digital spaces.
I’m not someone who can sit on a disagreement for very long –— if it hasn’t been resolved, I won’t stop thinking about it. But in an LDR, you have to wait to clear things until both of you are free for a call, and that can take over your mind.
The Illusion of Intimacy
There’s no feeling worse than messaging someone for a long time and feeling like you click, only to meet in person and realize that it’s… awkward. In LDRs, there’s potential for partners to feel emotionally close, while the physical distance remains a barrier to true intimacy.
Worried about burning out? Try scheduling regular dates and setting aside time for long-distance intimacy. Having something to look forward to can help ease the LDR anxiety.
When you meet in person, it may feel off for a little while, and that’s okay. But if you’re never able to find your groove, that might be a sign that the relationship won’t work offline.
Generational Impact
Communicating with my far-away friends online is not the same as communicating with my far-away older relatives. Long-distance communication feels more natural for younger generations, which may impact how comfortable they are with LDRs.
Millennials and Gen Z
Young people grew up with modern technology, making communicating on text or video calls feel a lot more natural. They have seamlessly integrated digital communication tools into their relationships, and they have a heightened ability to intuit what their partners mean over direct messaging.
However, their expectations of constant connectivity may add pressure to maintain a “perfect” relationship. They might feel some anxiety if they’re not talking to their partners 24/7, which can make it hard to live full lives offline.
Gen X and Baby Boomers
While some members of the older generations have embraced technology fully — I don’t know anyone who’s more into social media than my baby boomer relatives — it doesn’t always come as naturally for everyone. Members of these generations may prefer more traditional means of communication and may feel overwhelmed or disconnected by digital tools.
Still, those who have hit retirement may be more easily able to move for a partner, so sometimes LDRs may seem a better option for them.
Coping Strategies
LDRs can be tough to navigate, but if you’re proactive about them, you can have a great experience.
Maintain a Healthy Balance
Just because you’re in an LDR doesn’t mean you can’t have a life where you are! But at the same time, if you don’t put work into the relationship, it can easily fall apart.
Make sure to set expectations about communication frequency, boundaries, and privacy. This goes both ways — you need to know how much is too much, and how much communication you need to feel loved.
Schedule date nights and routine video calls to create a sense of normalcy. And most of all, be transparent about emotions and challenges that arise from the distance. It’s easy for resentment to grow if you don’t talk about it.
Build Trust and Emotional Intimacy
Use technology to share not just big moments, but also small, everyday experiences to create a sense of being a part of each other’s lives. When you think of them, text them.
Use apps like Google Calendar or Trello to plan visits or future milestones, helping maintain a shared vision for the future. My partner and I have a shared Google Calendar, and it helps us stay on the same page.
Overcome Challenges
Time zone differences can cause some serious issues, especially if you’re more than a few hours apart. Tools like World Clock or Time Zone Converter help you always know what time it is for your partner.
Jealousy and Insecurity can come up in any relationship, but especially in LDRs. Communicate clearly and reassure your partner of your feelings for them.
Future Trends
Younger generations are clearly getting more comfortable with LDRs and have more opportunities for them to work out. As tech progresses, this will likely become even truer.
Faster and more reliable internet connections will make video calls smoother, VR/AR experiences more immersive, and communication more seamless.
Artificial Intelligence and Relationship Apps
LDR couples can use several AI-driven platforms, such as Paired, to track their relationship progress, recommend meaningful activities or communication patterns, and even simulate conversations to help partners feel emotionally supported.
Smart Home Devices
Shared smart devices like Google Home or Alexa allow couples to send voice messages, play songs, or even set up virtual meetings with their partner in mind.
Smart lighting systems, like Friendship Lamp or Lovebox, help couples can control each other’s lights, creating a feeling of proximity.
With any of these devices, partners will need to make sure they’re both comfortable using them and don’t feel like it’s an invasion of privacy.
Generational Shifts Changing Social Norms
The increasing normalization of long-distance arrangements for those pursuing education, careers, or even “digital nomad” lifestyles will make these far more common, and more singles willing to make them work. As more people travel for their education — and after graduation, their careers — more people will naturally fall in love along the way, and have to figure out how to adapt their relationships.
The stigma around LDRs is diminishing, with more couples open about navigating distance through technology. Younger generations may increasingly rely on emerging technologies (AR, VR) for intimacy and emotional connection, both to improve LDRs and find new relationships.
As telecommuting and digital work become more widespread, maintaining a long-distance relationship could become more common and less challenging. Remote work has made it possible for relationships to start long distance, and for one partner to move or visit for a while in person when it gets serious.
Long-Distance Isn’t the End of Intimacy
Technology has been both a blessing and a challenge for couples in long-distance relationships. Instead of feeling like long distance is simply a pause of an offline relationship, it becomes a rich continuation of an in-person relationship. At the same, technology can create chances for misunderstandings and take over couples’ lives in the places where they do live.
But still, with the right tools, strategies, and mindset, LDRs can thrive. They don’t need to stay online forever, and when you do move your relationship local, you’ll find that the bond you’ve created may be stronger than it would have been otherwise.
