The Scoop: Therapist Anna Aslanian from My Therapy Corner sat down with us to talk about therapy safe spaces, how to create and nurture them, and why they’re so important for effective and transformational couples therapy experiences.
I’m a firm believer that everybody could use therapy. And as someone who’s been in plenty of therapy, I can tell you that just going to therapy doesn’t do much. You have to experience and embody the therapeutic process, and that requires way more than showing up to an office.
One of the most important elements in the overall efficacy of any kind of therapy is the environment where it happens. We need safe spaces where we can be vulnerable, especially when we’re expected to be vulnerable with someone who’s a stranger (a qualified stranger, but a stranger, no less).
But when we start exploring what creating a truly safe space takes and means, we’ll realize it’s about more than spa music, dim lighting, and a comfortable couch or armchair.
In therapy, safety takes on a new meaning that goes beyond just physical or emotional safety. Therapy must create a space where you can bare the pains and hurts that may have been difficult, or impossible, to talk about in the past.
We talked to Anna Aslanian, a licensed Marriage and Family therapist who founded My Therapy Corner, a practice serving clients in California, New York, and Florida, about what a safe space looks like in therapy, and why it’s so important for the process, especially in couples therapy.
Creating safe spaces in couples therapy is more complicated because therapists have two distinct perspectives and sensitivities to deal with. What may make one person feel safe and heard may not make the other person feel the same way.
“Therapy, regardless of what modality you’re using or if it’s couples or individual therapy, cannot be effective if it’s not safe,” Anna told us. “The way I would describe a safe space is a place that’s nonjudgmental and normalizing of the human experience, and sending that message both verbally and non-verbally.”
How to Create Non-Judgmental Spaces
Anna believes that couples therapy should be supportive, trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, and considerate of the many factors that influence and form a person’s identity. This means that safe spaces are not going to look or feel the same for everybody, and, depending on your experiences, you may need more safeguards to feel secure in therapy.
Anna told us she knew early on that she wanted a career in the field of psychology, and she’s always been fascinated by why people do what they do, and how we can more deeply understand others. She said she also wanted to make a difference and saw therapy as a powerful way to do that.
She’s been in the field since 2006, and in the nearly two decades she’s been working with clients, she’s had to create a lot of different safe spaces with many different people, with many different kinds of experiences.
While the methodology behind creating safe spaces can be complex, the basic approach is simple. The way we create therapeutic safe spaces all goes back to the way humans form safe spaces between each other on their own– friendships and relationships.
“It’s really simple in terms of how we human beings feel safe even in just all our relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, and professional relationships,” Anna said. “It’s about feeling that you’re enough, you have something to contribute, and you’re free to share your thoughts, needs, and wants.”
And you should feel empowered to express, contribute, and share without the fear of judgment. This is an essential aspect of the approach.
We form the closest and best relationships with people who accept us for who we are and make us feel safe. Relationships change and sometimes end because that safety is violated.
“In therapy, all of that safety is given to you,” Anna told us. “Because it’s supposed to be the one place that you can go and talk to a professional who can give you research-based feedback and suggestions. All of that will only be taken in if you also feel safe and comfortable with this person, and that you can fully be yourself.”
Safe spaces in therapy are places where you can be authentically yourself, without fear or judgment. Getting yourself there is a multifaceted process where you show both your body and mind that you are safe. After traumatic experiences, showing the body that it’s safe can be a challenge.
Safety Takes on a New Meaning After Trauma
“What’s really important to know about trauma is that it was taken into the nervous system,” Anna said. “Sometimes, trauma is things that many people deal with, such as not getting enough nurturing in childhood or being bullied, or painful breakups or divorces.”
Anna said these things happen to most of us over the course of our lives, but they can still be deeply impactful and affect how we operate and form relationships for the rest of our lives. Different people also react to situations differently, and the way we react to something has a lot to do with the situation we find ourselves in at the time, emotionally, physically, financially, and relationally.
To oversimplify it, trauma is less about the thing that happens and more about how it affects us. It’s about how our bodies and minds deal with a painful experience, regardless of what that experience is.
“If the person is alone in their trauma and their experience, it can be extremely difficult to process,” Anna said. “If someone had a tough life, their nervous system could already be very sensitive to rejection, feeling abandoned, things that magnify that pain.”
Trauma can impact the way your body, specifically the nervous system, gauges risk, fear, and danger. This means creating safe spaces in therapy is extra important for people who have experienced trauma, and that’s why it’s so important for therapists to approach any modality from a trauma-informed lens.
In relationships where one or both partners are dealing with the impacts of a traumatic experience or experiences, protecting the safety created in therapy and outside of it is crucial. Therapists help people find the language to express their trauma and help their partners to listen empathetically, vulnerably, and without judgment.
What a Safe Space Looks Like for Couples
We asked Anna how couples can improve their relationships, within therapy and outside of it. Anna told us the first step can be one of the most challenging for many people: asking for help.
“The first step is always to be willing to ask for help, and to be willing to seek answers,” Anna said. “You can do this individually or with your partner, and you don’t have to wait for your partner to want to work on themselves for you to start doing your part.”
It’s not an uncommon experience for one partner to want therapy and the other not feel ready for it. Anna said only you can decide when therapy is right for you, and if your partner doesn’t want to get help, that doesn’t mean you can’t seek guidance on your own.
We can’t get out of the thinking or behaviors that hurt us with the same thought processes and feelings that got us into that thinking or behavior in the first place. Therapy provides us an opportunity to transform how we think to better align it with who we are and what we want.
“It’s a very humble and yet empowering decision to say I’m going to go and seek answers and improve my relationships,” Anna said. Therapy is an act of service first to yourself, and then to the people who you love, and who love you.
Be open and honest with your partner, and when they do the same to you, meet them with curiosity and compassion.
Safe spaces aren’t about eliminating negative or difficult feelings. Safe spaces aim to make the negative feelings safe to deal with.
“Remember– healthy relationships are the number one predictor of a healthy mental state. They’re also a major protective factor,” Anna told us. “Just having wonderful relationships, romantic or not, can help protect you from depression and anxiety. We’re social creatures, we need each other.”
