My boyfriend and I didn’t exactly fit the usual pattern of early dating. Our first real date was the same day we decided to make our relationship official.
Our relationship started long distance. We met through my college roommate, who happened to be my boyfriend’s childhood friend. We hit it off when he came up to visit her, and we became romantically involved when I visited her hometown on winter break.
So by the time we went on our first date, we were both pretty smitten after a few weeks of talking every day. Our first date wasn’t the first time we met, but the start of our actual relationship.
A first date doesn’t have to be a first meeting. It’s simply the first time two people agree to have a romantic experience together.
For most couples, the first date comes much earlier. The first date is the meeting between potential partners with the purpose of exploring a romantic relationship. It may be the first time they meet, or it may be the first time their relationship is turning from platonic to romantic.
While there are some general consistencies in first-date etiquette and patterns, there’s no single way to have a first date. Dating culture varies widely throughout time, culture, and individual couples, so if you feel like your dates haven’t fit the mold, don’t worry.
Historical Context
The purpose of dating itself has changed over the years. Traditionally, a first date was a formal meeting between two individuals interested in exploring a romantic connection, usually leading to marriage.
Today, many people approach first dates as a more casual, often spontaneous encounter. There’s more room to date for the sake of dating and having fun, which makes each individual date a lower-pressure event.
First Dates in the Early 20th Century
In the early 20th century — especially pre-World War II — courtship rituals were much more formal. Prior to dating, singles would meet with each other’s families, who would often decide whether or not they approved of the relationship. While couples may be able to have individual conversations in these settings, the family was always present.
Public dates helped 20th-century couples connect romantically.
If couples went on a date, they were often chaperoned to ensure that nothing untoward occurred. The chaperone was often a family member, such as an older sibling or cousin.
Toward the 1930s, public dates became more common so that the couple could get to know each other with less oversight. Still, most dates were in public, open places. Couples often attended and met at dances, which were put on by community centers and churches.
The Mid-20th Century Shift
Young people gained a lot of freedom in the mid-20th century. Student protest movements and women’s liberation changed the fabric of society, and practical innovations, like the increased commonness of cars, made it easier for young people to be independent while living at home.
From the 1950s onward, there were far more options for young people to date, often in pseudo-private places. Couples would regularly go to drive-in movies or hang out at diners with their friends. Movies like Rebel Without a Cause and the rock n’ roll music of Elvis idealized this era of teen romance and fun.
By the 1960s, the sexual revolution was in full swing. With increased access to condoms and birth control pills, sex often entered the equation of casual dating. While most singles expected to eventually marry and have children, that was no longer the only reason to date.
The Late 20th Century to Early 21st Century
By the late 20th century, most singles didn’t see marriage as the only purpose of dating. Casual dating, especially in high school and early adulthood, became the norm. Dating for fun and to learn more about oneself was expected.
In the 1990s, another big change came to dating, in the way that couples meet. Online dating entered the equation, making it more common for singles to meet their dates online rather than through work, friends, church, or school.
The Role of Online Dating
Online dating has absolutely changed the dating experience, and at no time is that more true than on the first date.
Changes in the First Date Experience
When you go on a first date with someone you met online, that’s usually the first time you’ve met each other. Blind dates happened before online dating, but they weren’t the norm. Now, it’s much more important to meet in public and practice personal safety precautions, given that first dates are often with a complete stranger.
Getting to know your partner before the date has never been easier.
At the same time, pre-date communication — texting, video calls, and social media interactions — has never been easier. You may get to know your date a bit before ever meeting in person.
Each individual date, however, may matter less in the digital age. Matches are very accessible, making it easy to go on a first date every day if you really want to.
Video Dates Become Normalized
During COVID, video dates became normalized out of necessity. Singles would get to know each other for the first time over FaceTime or Zoom.
While video dates may not be as fun as meeting in person, they’re an easy way to vet chemistry. They save money and time, so you don’t need to invest much effort until you make a connection worth the second date.
Significant Impact on Relationships
Online dating has shown us that sometimes having too many choices can be paralyzing. While going on plenty of dates can raise your standards and help you to get a truly compatible match, it can also make you unable to commit. Many singles find it difficult to settle down with any one person, thinking that the next date might be even better.
For some singles, the instant gratification of a match can make it difficult to prioritize meaningful connections. On the other hand, having too many matches can be overwhelming and make it difficult to go out with anyone at all.
Additionally, some singles find the anonymity of the internet to make online dating scary. They worry about fake profiles and feel less safe meeting online matches in real life.
The Psychology of First Dates
How you feel on a first date has a massive impact on whether or not you decide to pursue a relationship. Whether you feel instant chemistry or a platonic connection, that initial encounter can help you fall for your date or turn you away from them for good.
Generational Perspectives
Even today, the ways that different generations date are fairly different. Older generations tend to have a greater appreciation for tradition and dating etiquette. For baby boomers, for example, it may be more important for a man to pay on the first date in a straight relationship.
It’s a good idea to communicate expectations when asking someone out on a first date. Make it clear if you’re being casual or doing something formal, and plan accordingly.
Baby boomers also have a more rigid idea of what constitutes a proper date. They’re more likely to meet for dinner, while millennials and Gen Z daters are more likely to meet for coffee or drinks. While drinks may seem cheap to older singles, for younger singles, they provide a lower-stress option for a first date.
Expectations and Nerves
Many people experience stress before a first date.
Some daters may be nervous that the other person won’t be interested in them or that the date will be awkward. Many people also worry about expectations around dating etiquette, especially who should pay. Others still worry that their date may be dangerous or lying about their identity.
First date jitters are a normal part of dating.
Dating stress is normal, and it can actually be positive when channeled into excitement. Just try not to become so nervous you don’t go on the date or struggle to be yourself.
As you experience some nerves over how you appear on a date, try not to be too harsh when judging the person you’re meeting. Some traits — like odd eating habits or fashion style — may just be “beige” flags that don’t write them off completely. But if you run into a red flag on the first date, don’t feel too bad about saying no to a second one.
The Importance of First Impressions
It may be cliché to say that first impressions are everything, but that doesn’t make it less true. If you do something inconsiderate, like arriving late, you’re starting in the red. It’s hard to come back from that.
Much of a first date is about coming across as a nice and warm person so that you can get to know each other better on the dates to come. Inviting body language and asking your date questions can make a huge difference in whether they feel chemistry with you. Try to keep what you say generally positive, and try your best not to mention prior relationships.
The Future of First Dates
Dating culture changes all the time, so it’s hard to know what first dates will look like in the future. One thing is clear, however: Online dating will definitely be a part of it.
Tech Predictions & New Trends to Watch
In addition to your traditional dating apps and online platforms, virtual reality may expand online dating as we know it in the years to come. VR communities like Second Life already have online dating options within their virtual worlds.
Some daters are happy to have entire relationships in virtual reality.
For some people, these relationships remain completely within the virtual space, while others still move into real life. While most singles see the purpose of online dating as introductory to IRL relationships, virtual reality may reframe digital dating to be entirely virtual.
Striking a Balance Between Digital and In-Person Connections
Even as some singles move their relationships fully online, many others crave in-person connection. Online dating is inarguably a great tool for introductions, but some platforms like MeetUp or dating app Thursday have begun using technology to facilitate large-scale in-person events.
Some dating apps have integrated video-speed dating into their platforms. The Zero Date sets up brief online speed dating events so that when singles do meet in person, they’ve already had some organic connection.
It can be difficult to foster genuine connections in the digital age. If you’re someone who only begrudgingly uses online dating, try to take advantage of hybrid dating apps like Thursday or The Zero Date and meet up in person as soon as you can after matching. The longer you message without meeting in real life, the bigger the disconnect between your online dynamic and IRL connection will be.
First Dates Are Whatever You Make Them
Over the last century, first dates have moved from formal courtship involving families at every step to casual, online connections. Modern singles have largely stopped seeing marriage as the only end goal of dating and started seeing dates as something fun to enjoy.
The traditional rules of first dates are good to follow when you’re trying not to offend your potential partner, but they’re all made up. You aren’t required to go out for dinner on a first date, and you don’t have to wait a set number of days before asking to go on a second.
Whether you’re dating to find a serious relationship or just trying to have fun, first dates should be about trying to connect with a new person. If you manage to do that, then I would say it’s been successful.
