39% Misread Their Partner’s Relationship Timeline. What Matchmakers Do Instead.

When it comes to happy relationships, it’s our timelines — or our lack thereof — that often lands us in hot water. Eighty percent of respondents to a recent Tawkify survey said that they’re on the same page as their partner, but the truth was more complicated: 39% said their assumption ended up being incorrect. 

As it turns out, whether you think you understand your preferred relationship timeline, and whether you actually do are two very different things. From major relationship milestones like homeownership and marriage to relationship timelines, couples aren’t nearly as in sync as they might think they are. 

From major relationship milestones like homeownership and marriage to relationship timelines, couples aren’t nearly as in sync as they might think they are. 

In fact, nearly 30% of respondents said they’ve made assumptions about their partner’s preferred goals or timeline in the past, specifically about marriage. And what happens when you assume? Well, let’s just say, it’s not a good look for the couples or, in some cases, for the matchmaker who brought them together. 

Yes, matchmakers are often on the front lines of truly successful relationships. We like to think that matchmakers have a sixth sense for compatibility, but in truth, the best matchmakers aren’t magical so much as well-prepared and experienced. And when they’re really good, they can sense misalignment better than we can. 

Matchmakers, Beware: “Flexible” Can Be A Red Flag 

When a client says they’re “flexible” about their relationship goals, we usually see it as a positive character trait. This person is so open-minded, so laid-back! With their “up for anything” attitude, this type of client should be a matchmaker’s dream. They’ll fit in with anybody, right? 

Well, the truth is often more complicated than we’d like to admit. Sure, some people who say they’re “flexible” really are just that: Genuinely open-minded, with the hope that their flexibility will lead to more matches. On the surface, this is a great instinct. 

But for all of its positives, flexibility has a major downside in the matchmaking world. Being too flexible puts clients at risk of losing sight of their own needs, and their own preferred timelines — if they even know their own needs or preferred timeline at all. 

Matchmakers must be able to identify when a client is being genuinely flexible about their needs, and when they simply don’t know, or can’t articulate, what they actually want. 

After all, most of us only think we’re flexible. Or more accurately, we want people to see us that way. When this happens, “I’m flexible” is merely a cover for “I don’t want to tell you what I really want, because I’m afraid you’ll tell me it’s impossible, or that I’m being too difficult.” 

At least 18% of respondents told Tawkify that they wanted to achieve a certain relationship milestone, but haven’t mentioned it to their partner. Men are, perhaps unsurprisingly, more likely to do this, with 24% telling Tawkify that they’ve bottled up their needs compared to 14% of women. 

When a client says “I’m flexible” about crucial relationship milestones like marriage and children, it should give a matchmaker pause. Because when indecision is the root of misaligned timelines, everyone — clients, matches, and matchmakers alike — pays the price. 

Why Every Match Starts With the Right Intake Questions

A good matchmaker will probe a “flexible” client for more detailed responses about their relationship goals. But a great matchmaker won’t just ask about the “what”, but about the “when”. 

You’ll find most matchmakers asking these questions — and encouraging thoughtful reflection — during the intake process. This is the ideal time to deduce not only whether a client is ready for the matchmaking process, but whether they know what they really want from a relationship, and when. 

Do you want to get married before you’re 35? Do you want to have time to travel after marriage? If so, how much time? As for kids, are you comfortable having one or two after turning 40, or would you rather have them earlier? 

Asking clients to establish a loose time frame isn’t about locking them into commitments or turning up the pressure. It’s about challenging them to think beyond “I’m flexible.”

Asking these questions may feel unnatural. How often have we told people to ignore society’s timelines, to follow their hearts instead of a ticking clock? How many times have we inwardly cursed the existence of timelines that cause undue pressure, and rush people into relationships that aren’t right for them? 

I found myself pushing up against the idea that establishing timelines during the matchmaking process could be helpful. But, like most things in life and love, balance is key. 

Asking clients to establish a loose time frame isn’t about locking them into commitments or turning up the pressure. It’s about challenging them to think beyond “I’m flexible.” The more clearly clients understand their own expectations from the start, the easier it is for matchmakers to pair them with people who want the same things on a similar timeline.

Every client brings assumptions into the matchmaking process, whether they realize it or not. A matchmaker's job is to uncover those assumptions before introductions are ever made. Wouldn’t you rather ask the tough questions during intake than after months — or even years — have been invested in the wrong relationship? 

Matchmakers Should Help Hone Client Communication Skills 

Really, what a good matchmaker does is lay the groundwork for better communication. After all, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or a love guru) to deduce that the glaring problem most misaligned couples have is a total lack of communication. Too much assuming, not enough honesty. 

I get it: It’s hard to confront the big stuff when all the little stuff is going so well. But as Tawkify found, the big stuff — the house keys, the wedding rings, the baby blankets, even the “I love yous” — don’t go away just because they’re unaddressed. 

“Marriage expectations were one of the clearest examples of assumption replacing communication,” according to the study. In fact, 29% of respondents told Tawkify that they never actually asked their partner if they want to get married; it was assumed, along with other major milestones, like relationship exclusivity, home ownership, and having kids. 

And these respondents ended up learning that they weren’t on the same page about marriage after all. This is a consequence of what Tawkify calls the “conversation gap”; 53% of respondents reported that they avoid or delay talking about long-term goals with their partners. 

Sure, it’s common enough that people fear confronting these big things will cause irreparable conflict (17%). But the most common reason people avoid having these conversations? Because they don’t realize these conversations need to happen at all: 

Twenty-seven percent said they avoid these conversations because they assume that their partner shares their goals. 

Interestingly, 14% said that they aren’t even sure which milestones matter in relationships. So many assumptions and so much uncertainty; establishing better communication skills at the beginning of the relationship — or during the matchmaking phase — would go a long way. 

What Happens When Couples Realize They’re Misaligned?

Tawkify’s study illustrates where misalignment and timelines converge: 65% of American couples said they would consider ending their relationship over milestone misalignment, and 30% said they wouldn’t wait longer than one year for their partner to “catch up.” 

Gen Z was especially adamant, with 80% saying they’d leave a relationship over misaligned timelines, and 45% saying they’d leave a misaligned relationship after a year. 

Older daters, meanwhile, are more likely to drift into a holding pattern — to feel content within the waiting, instead of breaking off a misaligned relationship. Matchmakers, then, are a vital line of defense, helping clients recognize when patience is productive, and when it's simply delaying an inevitable, but necessary, breakup.

Of course, there’s no true right or wrong to relationship timelines, so long as couples are on the same page. 

“The strongest relationships may not be the ones moving fastest toward milestones,” Tawkify pointed out. “They may be the ones where both people are honest about what ‘next’ means before silence fills in the answers for them.”