Using dating apps is a part of many singles’ daily routines, but not everyone is great at it. Regardless of whether you’re a veteran of online dating (relatable) or you just hopped on Tinder for the first time, finding high-quality matches isn’t the easiest feat.
Which photos show you off the best? What on earth do you write in your bio?
These are important questions, but above all, the most crucial part of meeting people on a dating app is your opening line — the first message you send, the icebreaker. What you say and how you say it could mean the start of the kind of connection you’re looking for. Or it could be an awkward and even disastrous interaction. Heck, even the time of day you’re sending the first message makes a difference!
Although it may seem like an insurmountable feat, sending a solid icebreaker just takes a little thought and intention. Let’s put those lazy “sup” messages to bed because there are so many ways you can hook someone’s attention and keep it. I’ll give examples!
Why It Matters
Your bio, photos, and prompt answers on a dating app certainly matter, but first impressions are everything. The most impactful impression you can make on your matches is how you approach a conversation with them.
Creating Connection
When you’re strategic with who and how you message, you can build positive rapport with them. This can help get a conversation flowing and make both of you feel comfortable and engaged.
Depending on your opening line, you can either make someone view you as a respectful and safe person to get to know or turn them off from responding altogether. Whether your icebreaker is funny, complimentary, or slightly flirty, sending something positive and upbeat can prevent them from seeing you as creepy or coming on too strong.
Setting the Tone
Your first message can also lead the way for certain kinds of conversation. If you’re looking for a one-night stand or other casual connection, you might want to be upfront about that with a flirty or suggestive dating app icebreaker. It’s also important to gauge what they might be looking for by their profile.
Many apps like Bumble and Hinge offer labels or badges that signal whether a user is looking for a long-term partner, short-term fun, non-monogamy, etc. When you and others use those, you can make it clear what your intentions are — and prevent mixed signals from leading to unwanted messages.
Psychological Insights
It’s important to approach both swiping and messaging on dating sites with a bit of psychological understanding. You don’t have to be an expert of the mind, of course, but it’s helpful to get familiar with the ways your behavior might impact the matches you chat with.
For example, if you’re a man seeking women online, you may want to consider how a woman’s experience on a dating app impacts their perspective on dating.
According to the American Psychological Association, psychologist Dr. Liesel Sharabi says that women tend to feel overwhelmed by the number of matches and messages they receive from men, so it could be helpful for you to choose a more creative option to stand out and not expect a response right away.
Offline Dating Conversation Starters
In a post-pandemic world, we all struggle to communicate in person sometimes. Rather than sending Instagram DMs back and forth with someone you’re interested in, having a conversation face-to-face can present a number of challenges.
Your body language, for example, can show the other person that you’re nervous or uncomfortable, even if you sound confident. The tone of voice you’re using is important, too, as well as eye contact and any physical touch. All of these elements are important to consider if you’re going to try dating icebreakers in person.
Compliments
Most people can appreciate a compliment, but at the same time, they may be able to sus out when you’re being phony or overcompensating. There’s also the possibility you could come on too strong, so it’s always a good idea to lead with something you really mean.
Being genuine and confident is one of the most attractive things you can do when you’re meeting a potential partner, so try complementing their style or sense of humor. And remember: sometimes the best compliments don’t have to be about appearance!
Example: “I really appreciate your sense of humor — you make me laugh so easily!”
Situational Icebreakers
If you feel nervous or have a hard time coming up with a good icebreaker to say in person, lean on the surrounding environment.
Did you meet up at a trendy bar with some cool decor? Are you trying a new restaurant with cultural cuisine? Is your date happening in a cozy coffee shop? Think about ways you can connect with your date by discussing things related to your surroundings.
Example: At a coffee shop: “What was the first time you remember drinking coffee? Did you like it at first?”
Humor and Lightheartedness
We all like to laugh, and doing so together can break any tension or awkwardness that comes along with meeting someone new. Think about a universally funny joke you keep in your back pocket or a hilarious observation you both will understand. Making someone laugh right away may help them feel comfortable around you, and it doesn’t hurt to see their smile (another chance to share a compliment!)
Example: Approaching someone in a bar: “I was going to order another round, but then I saw you and thought that a tall drink of water sounded better.”
Personal Interest Questions
There’s nothing worse than having a conversation go stale because one or both people are giving one-word answers, especially in person. To avoid this awkwardness, you should ask open-ended questions that really allow the other person to share more about themselves and show you their personality.
Plus, a lot of people might find it easier to talk about their interests or passions rather than come up with good questions for you in the moment.
Example: “What are some things that really get you out of bed in the morning?”
Contextual Compliments
As long as you’re respectful when you say it, complimenting something unique or interesting about someone can be a great icebreaker. They may appreciate the gesture and have something to add to the conversation.
Example: “I love your jacket! It looks like it has a cool story behind it.”
Icebreakers for Online Dating
There are plenty of fish in the sea nowadays, and dating apps are no exception. Many of the most popular platforms have millions of active users, meaning you’ll have to sort through a ton of profiles to find what you’re looking for — and vice versa.
Because you’re also one fish in the pond, you’ll want to figure out ways to stand out and let your personality shine when it comes to dating app opening lines.
Personalized Comments
One of the best ways to come up with an easy opening line is to reference something your match included in their bio, photos, or prompts. If they mention that they like traveling, ask them about their travel bucket list. Or, if they’re wearing a particular sports jersey in one of their photos, you can ask who their favorite player is.
Example: “That’s so cool! You’re such a world traveler! What was one of the coolest places you’ve visited?”
Humor
If you’re a jokester, opening the conversation with a funny icebreaker is rarely a bad idea. You can use a pun, reference a meme that you think they would understand, come up with something original, or even use a clever knock-knock joke.
Starting off with humor will show them more of your personality and bring some levity to their dating app experience.
Example: “I’m a single dog mom, and my dog is taking applications for a father figure. Are you interested?”
Curiosity Questions
If your match’s profile doesn’t give you much to go off, it may be tempting to opt for the ol’ “How’s your day going?” or “Did you do anything fun this weekend?” Instead, try asking an open-ended question that gives you more of a glimpse into their personality or lifestyle. Then you’ll be killing two birds with one stone!
Example: “If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?”
Creative Openers
Another way to stand out from someone’s bounty of Tinder messages would be to get creative. You don’t always have to choose a question to ask or pick a GIF to use — think outside the box. If you’re a competitive person, try challenging them with a game like “Two Truths and a Lie.” Or, you can ask them what they would bring if they were stranded on a deserted island.
Example: “Let’s make a deal: If you can beat me in a round of Mario Kart, drinks are on me for our first date.”
Compliments on Profile Pictures or Details
Some people really get creative and customize by filling out a well-rounded dating app profile. This makes your job easy in terms of breaking the ice. All you have to do is choose a photo or detail that they’ve shared and start a conversation about it.
Example: “Wow! That’s an amazing waterfall photo! Did you find it on a hike?”
Best Practices in Offline and Online Dating
When it comes to dating, confidence, authenticity, and good communication are key. Start by being yourself — genuine connections thrive on honesty. Keep the conversation balanced by showing curiosity about your date while sharing your own stories. A great sense of humor can ease tension, but be mindful of boundaries and avoid controversial topics too soon.
Active listening, eye contact, and small gestures — like a smile or a nod — show engagement and interest. Most importantly, approach each date with an open mind and a positive attitude; even if there’s no romantic spark, every interaction is a chance to learn and grow.
Active Listening
You can, of course, send all the creative and fun opening messages you’d like, but if you aren’t going to reciprocate by responding in conversation or showing that you’re genuinely interested in what the other person is writing back, it’s a little meaningless. Even though it sounds more applicable to an in-person conversation, you can still show you’re paying attention by sending thoughtful replies and follow-up questions.
When you’re meeting someone in real life, body language is everything. Are they feeling comfortable enough to lean in close to you? Do they seem to be smiling more or crossing their arms and closing off?
Reading these silent social cues can help you steer the conversation and keep it flowing. The same can be said for messaging. When you use a certain tone, don’t answer with full sentences, or use too many acronyms, someone might think you’re not putting in enough effort — and, therefore, feel that you don’t care. Keep your texting tone in mind.
Showing Your Personality
One of the main points of dating is getting to know someone and seeing if your personalities and interests are compatible. This is why it’s never a bad idea to let your personality shine. Whether you’re in-person or in the DMs, make it a point to bring up things you care about and hobbies you might share with the other person, and take turns sharing about your passions.
Maintaining Respect
While some dating apps and sites have safety features in place, others are a bit more lax. This can cause issues when users receive messages that make them uncomfortable or feel harassed in some way.
When you’re approaching someone IRL or sending a text, it’s crucial that you maintain a sense of respect and consideration in your initial messages. If they don’t seem interested or if they set a boundary about a certain topic or type of communication, respect it and don’t try to push.
Personal space doesn’t just apply to face-to-face encounters. You can also give someone a kind of “space” in the digital world as well. Don’t bombard them with messages right away, don’t expect someone to reply instantly, and if they seem uninterested, let them be.
Building Confidence
You know the saying “You’ll never know unless you try”? Well, it can apply to dating, too. If you aren’t willing to work up the courage to put yourself out there, you may never find what you’re looking for! Online dating is a great, low-stakes way to get to know people, challenge yourself to leave your comfort zone, and build confidence knowing that there’s someone out there for you.
Good Timing & Follow Through
Don’t start something you can’t finish; whether you send a really great one-liner or open-ended question and then don’t reply for hours, it can make someone feel like you ghosted them.
The same goes for sending too many messages at once — it might be a little over the top for a stranger.
Keeping the conversation flowing is important, but avoiding coming off as desperate (or cold) is as well. If you’re sending double or triple texts the entire time, your match may think you’re a little too obsessive. Alternatively, if you aren’t contributing enough to the convo, then they may think you’re uninterested and will likely move on to the next.
5 Common Mistakes to Avoid
Even though some of us message so much, it may as well be a part-time job, and people still make a lot of mistakes in their chat game. Here are some faux pas I often see in the DMs of single people.
1. Overused Phrases
Although it’s easy to have conversations about the weather, try coming up with something a little more creative. Instead of mentioning how it was “hot out today,” try asking them how they plan to spend their sunny weekend — and offering your own ideas. Maybe you can make a plan together.
2. Being Too Generic
A general “How are you?” isn’t exactly exciting, so adding a personal touch always helps. Tailoring the conversation to your potential partner’s interests and experiences shows that you’re paying attention.
“What’s something getting you through your workday?” could be a better option that can open up more dialogue.
3. Overthinking It
You should add a personal or fun touch to your icebreakers, but try to avoid going too far and making them seem fake or even creepy. Instead of creating an elaborate joke or uber-niche reference, you hope they’ll pick up on it. Try to play it cool and go with something you think will be a hit, no matter what.
4. Ignoring Body Language or Tone
If you’re in person, you notice that someone isn’t really responding the way you’d like or showing much attention or interest.
Maybe they aren’t! Reading body language (and tone in text messages) will keep you from turning them off completely if they’re already unsure about the interaction.
5. Being Overly Aggressive
It’s perfectly OK to want something casual or to be really attracted to a dating app match. That said, you may want to avoid sending a super flirty message right away or giving aggressive compliments about someone’s appearance or body.
Instead, be respectful, and if you feel the vibe is there after talking for a while, you can throw in a subtly flirty comment to see how they respond.
Good Icebreakers Can Lead to Great Relationships
Rome wasn’t built in a day — and relationships aren’t either. Even no-strings connections rarely begin immediately. Chemistry is everything, and it can only be built with time and plenty of interaction.
When it comes to dating in-person or online, I always recommend taking the “slow burn” approach: light a small spark at first and let it grow slowly into a flame. It may take some self-control and effort, but it’s well worth it when you end up with a fun and fulfilling partnership.
