As a member of Gen Z, I cannot imagine a world where a Hinge message isn’t the primary way to meet dates. But, as I understand it, old-school dating meant approaching someone in person, getting their phone number, giving them a call, and taking them out to dinner. Crazy!
Today, the way we chat as singles is firmly rooted in popular dating apps and social media platforms. For better or worse, technology is always part of the conversation.
Online chat involves sending text messages, GIFs, or images via a desktop or mobile device.
Online communication has moved beyond seedy chat rooms and become the main way to flirt with someone new. Think about just how the language has changed — sliding into DMs and leaving on read are all relatively new trends that definitely impact how we come together — or fall apart — romantically. So let’s take a beat and talk about how online chat influences dating conversations.
The Evolution of Dating Conversations
We have shifted our dating habits from meeting in person and talking on the phone to meeting over an app and texting before ever seeing each other. But there’s no wrong way to operate. Each style of communication has its pros and cons.
Traditional Dating Communication
If you encounter someone in public and approach them to ask them on a date, congratulations — you’re doing things the old-fashioned way. Traditional dating communication occurs in person from the get-go.
Even with the advent of new technologies, getting to know someone in person is still preferred by many daters. A survey found 79% of college students said they are opting for in-person interactions over using dating apps. While nerve-wracking, it’s the best way to feel the chemistry (or lack thereof) and share new experiences together.
Phone Calls and Text Messages
Just because people prefer to meet in person, that doesn’t mean using your phone is forbidden. These days, connecting with someone on your phone is like a rehearsal for in-person meetings. Phone calls are a great way to feel closer to someone, while texting offers constant connection and easy banter.
Dating Websites & Apps
Today, your first interaction with a date is likely to be on a dating app. Probably on Tinder or Hinge. From there, you can exchange numbers to talk on the phone or text.
Some apps, like Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel, put a timer on matches and chats to motivate singles to stop dragging their feet in chats and make a real move to meet IRL.
Free chat apps like OkCupid put no such restriction on chats, so it’s up to you which way works best.
By talking on the app, you can screen a potential partner before committing to a date or providing sensitive personal information. While it may not feel as serendipitous, it’s the safe way to go.
Key Chat Features of Dating Apps
Chatting isn’t just about text messages. Modern dating apps offer additional features to help streamline your conversations or add some security.
Text Messaging
As I’m sure you know, text messaging is all about rapid back-and-forth responses. Apps like Tinder will show you when your message is delivered or read (that’s a premium feature) so singles can keep up real-time chats… and obsess over when (or if) that crush is going to answer back.
Tinder also offers a GIF keyboard so you can liven up your texts and share a few laughs with your match.
Voice and Video Messaging
Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge all offer voice or video messaging in some form. This can be a great way to vet unknown matches and make sure that they are who they say are. It also helps to build rapport with your online crush.
Seeing someone face to face or hearing their voice deepens the connection beyond simple chats. Don’t want to fall for a catfish? Then you should use video tech to your advantage.
Temporary Messages and Disappearing Chats
On Snapchat, you can send texts that disappear after being read. Telegram also boasts encrypted messaging for those who want to keep their chats private. Daters often use these tools for sexting or affairs.
Temporary messaging increases privacy if you’re exchanging sensitive information or are concerned about cybersecurity (thanks for the online paranoia, Edward Snowden).
However, be aware that using chats with a self-destruct timer may impact conversation dynamics. It may make the other person feel that they are being kept secret. They may worry that you’re hiding something.
Chatbots and AI Integration
AI assistants can pre-screen incoming chats and warn you of any potentially offensive material. Hinge, for example, uses AI moderation to detect harassment and protect app users.
But AI can also offer conversation starter recommendations for when you’re stuck. You might ask ChatGPT to write some questions about traveling abroad or make a list of jokes to break the tension.
AI can also analyze the text conversation and give advice on how to proceed. Chatbots may provide some dating coaching, but their advice will be general, so take it with a grain of salt.
Positive Changes in Dating
Texting is essential for modern dating, and it can be a good thing. You can take the time to think your responses through or maintain close contact throughout the day and night.
Message responses peak within eight hours of matching, so get those texting thumbs ready.
Increased Accessibility
Online chatting enables you to connect with anyone, anywhere. A farmer in rural Montana can contact a fashion designer in New York City without delay (as long as the WiFi is working).
If you’re shy or introverted, chatting online may feel more comfortable than approaching a stranger in a bar or club. You may even find yourself growing more confident in flirtatious banter as you learn the ropes from partner after partner.
Something I recommend, if you’re nervous, is to have a few good icebreaker questions in your pocket that’ll give you and your match a lot to say. It could be as simple as asking if they prefer cats or dogs. Or what their favorite sandwich is. Yes, I stole those from Stephen Colbert, but they’re still good get-to-know-you questions!
Instant Feedback and Engagement
Virtual interactions are typically characterized by quick responses and constant engagement. You have another person in the palm of your hand.
Think of it like a tennis match with speedy returns on every serve. In fact, online daters like people who respond quickly. In a 2023 survey of 2,000 app users, 52% of participants positively judged someone based on how quickly their messages were answered.
Don’t be afraid to bring more spontaneity into your conversations. Anything can happen, and you can relay it over text in no time at all.
Ability to Curate Conversations
Unlike in the real world, you’ve got time to think about every message before you send it. It’s easy to craft a digital persona that draws upon all the best parts of your real-life self.
And it goes both ways: if there’s something you don’t want to see, you can filter your messages and carefully manage your interactions to ensure that they remain clean and safe.
Challenges and Drawbacks
I think we can all agree that online chatting isn’t perfect. In fact, a whopping 99% of Gen Z daters in a survey reported feeling tired of chatting on dating apps.
Speaking for my generation, we’re discouraged by the lack of genuine connection and absolutely overwhelmed by the burnout that comes with too much screen time.
Miscommunication and Lack of Context
Words can be misconstrued when delivered without facial expressions and voice inflections — or at least an emoji. Be wary of misinterpreting things or jumping to conclusions based on texts.
Shorthand and acronyms can lead to unintentional miscommunication. If you need clarification, just ask!
Over text, you lack the real-world context for how a person acts. You only know what they say, not what they do. You aren’t able to see how they respond to a long wait in line or poor service at a restaurant.
Remember when texting that you’re seeing a person in a specific light… and that’s subject to change.
Forever Pen Pals (Superficial Connections)
Ever texted someone for days with the hopes of going on a date but watched helplessly as the conversation fizzled out? Constant chatting can make it easy to lose focus on the goal of meeting in person.
To prevent becoming just pen pals, take initiative from the beginning. By that, I mean: Set a date and stick to it. Don’t overthink this — just send a quick message asking for a coffee date.
“Hey, I’ve enjoyed chatting with you. Would you want to grab coffee or get lunch this week?”
Just keep in mind that some people join apps because they want “forever pen pals.” It’s an ego boost for them. In fact, 22% of surveyed men and 18% of surveyed women stated that they only use apps for validation.
If you’re texting too often, don’t be afraid to say, “I enjoy talking to you but want to save some conversation for our first date so I can hear more about it.” This makes it clear that you’re not trying to cut anything short but simply value a deep connection over a superficial one.
Ghosting and Dehumanizing Matches
About 15% of men and 16% of women report experiencing too much rejection on dating apps, according to a recent DatingNews study. Being behind a screen and not having to see someone in person can empower people to treat others with disrespect. Breaking off a connection is as easy as sending a text and blocking the number — or not saying anything at all.
Ghosting can feel incredibly dehumanizing. It’s acting as if people are disposable. If you’re in a position where you don’t see yourself continuing in a relationship, consider sending a brief, polite text explaining that. Getting closure can help you and the other person move on from the connection.
Impact on Relationship Building
We live in a text-driven world. It’s safe to say that the modern daters of my generation operate on a text-first basis. But this reliance on texting can have not-so-great impacts on how a relationship develops.
Rapid Progression vs. Slow-Building Connections
Texting often can make a relationship feel like it’s moving faster than it really is. You might find that you quickly have conversations typically reserved for having after several dates.
In some ways, it’s easier to progress when you don’t have to meet face-to-face. It’s up to you whether to let the connection progress rapidly, but you always have the choice to withdraw.
False Sense of Intimacy
Although it’s good to be consistent, texting that goes over the top can actually create a false sense of intimacy that doesn’t hold up in real life.
You might think you know someone because you text each other at all hours of the day… but then you meet in person and realize you lack physical chemistry or have failed to discuss crucial topics while texting. You may even have hooked a catfish by mistake.
Remember, just because you text someone frequently doesn’t mean that you really know them. Messaging is no replacement for sharing experiences together.
Redefining Relationship Milestones
Texting too often alters how you perceive the traditional courtship process. Instead of feeling nervous on a first date, it might feel like you’ve already met them.
This can also impact future milestones, such as defining the relationship and becoming exclusive.
If you’re swept up in the texting train, you might find yourself rushing into a new relationship because the time spent texting feels as significant as talking in person. But remember, until you’ve met in person, you really don’t know who’s on the other side of the screen.
3 Future Trends in Dating Conversations
Emerging technologies are changing the future of dating in real time. Instead of plain texting, you can chat someone up using virtual reality tools that make you feel like you’re right there in person, or you might use AI to help you brainstorm what to say in sticky situations.
1. Virtual Reality and Augmented Reality
Is the metaverse the next hot hookup scene? Probably not. But it has the potential to host some interesting date nights.
Virtual reality (VR) and augmented reality (AR) are becoming increasingly popular for gaming and socializing with friends.
Text-based chat is an important part of these experiences because it helps gamers collaborate and share thoughts in real time.
If you’re active in a community where VR and AR allow you to enter a virtual world, consider making use of chat to further connect over common ground with your fellow players.
2. Integration of AI
AI-assisted chat functions like Meta AI offer additional capabilities that allow you to add dimension to your conversations. You can ask the assistant to share a recipe or trip ideas, edit photos, or proofread your message before sending it.
If running out of things to say in conversations is a fear of yours, integrating AI into your chats might be the answer. Though I would recommend relying on your imagination first, turning to AI can help you through those long awkward pauses.
Remember what I said before? Faster responses are viewed favorably by love interests.
3. Personalized Avatars
Some social media platforms, like Instagram, have incorporated personalized avatars into their direct messaging functions. The Instagram avatar is a 3D icon with clothes and facial features that can be customized to resemble you.
Creating an avatar can help you express yourself and put a face to a name while chatting without having to video chat or meet in person. It’s an easy way to inject more personality into a wall of text.
Chat Has Become Essential to Dating Life
Your chats form the basis of your connection. Besides the photos you choose to display on your dating profiles, that first “Hello” text — and every text after — sets the stage for your relationship.
Texts create your first impression in online dating and provide the avenue for all your communication moving forward, so singles had better embrace the texting life. Whether through good old phone messaging or via personalized avatars, there are plenty of ways to experiment while communicating what matters.
