Inside Ashley Madison: My Double-Life Test of the World’s Most Notorious Dating Site

Ashley Madison is built for discreet dating and no-strings connections. It’s a place for exploration for curious and open-minded daters who value privacy in their romantic lives.

I was dying to know what the experience is like for Ashley Madison users. What can I say, I’m nosy, and I want the tea! The big thing I want to make clear upfront is the experience is vastly different for men and women — it’s free for women, paid for men — so I explored both account types for this review.

Spoiler alert: I had a positive experience on Ashley Madison. Judgments aside, it does what it promises and has many active users (reportedly over 91 million).

I was pleasantly surprised by the unflinching honesty. The profiles I saw were clear about where they’re at in their relationships and what they’re looking for in their love life. 

And I was glad to see I got a bunch of messages in my male and female accounts. Many of the people I messaged got back to me quickly, so that was encouraging as well. I didn’t get the overwhelming “bot account” vibes I have from other hookup sites.

Launching My Ashley Madison Experience

I found the process of setting up my Ashley Madison account to be fairly straightforward. It was slightly more involved than some other casual dating platforms I’ve encountered, but certainly quicker than serious soul-searching dating sites like eharmony.

Ashley Madison users join for many reasons. In the profile setup, members can identify themselves as curious, selective, adventurous, or flexible.

Off the bat, I appreciated how clear this distinction was, and I thought it did a great job setting the tone for the site. The vibes were something like, “You might be keeping some secrets offline, but on here, say it with your chest.”

Ashley Madison also requests both email and phone verification for profiles. That means I had to open an email to click the verification link AND get a verification text on my phone.

These extra steps took me some time, but rigorous verification is in the user’s best interest to keep frauds out of the dating pool. 

Ultimately, it took me less than 10 minutes to register, and I’ll take you through what that looked like.

Step One: Sign Up

I started by adding my email, date of birth, location, gender, relationship status, and username. 

Your username will be what potential matches see on your profile, so try to use something close to your name if you want them to see that, or at least something that leaves a good first impression. 

I’m a writer, so I used “awrites” as my profile name.

I was then taken through some settings prompts. I was given the option to automatically share my private photos with whoever shares theirs with me (I would decide this based on how private said photos are, if you catch my drift), as well as the option for Ashley Madison to reach out to potential matches on my behalf.

I checked yes to Ashley Madison being a matchmaker because I believe it never hurts to give yourself more options in online dating.

Step Two: Add Profile Info

I then could add a profile photo by uploading one from my device. I could choose to blur it if I didn’t want to show my face in such a scandalous crowd.

Blurred photos are a nice middle ground option for Ashley Madison users who want to strike a balance between being available and being recognizable. 

I blurred my photo, and I soon found out that most users went that route.

Putting a full name or face up there is kind of a risk, given the site’s reputation for inspiring affairs — but you need to disclose enough to show potential matches you’re actually real. 

After my photo was approved, I had to decide how I would like to auto-reply to Winks and Favorites on the site (more on those later). I could either come up with my own response or use Ashley Madison’s suggestion:

“I currently have a lot of winks and don’t have the time to respond to all of them. If you send me a photo and a personal message, I’ll be able to decide if I’m interested.” 

A bit harsh for my taste, so I decided to go with “What are you looking for?” instead.

I also got to fill out the most essential profile information: What I’m looking for, a bio, a greeting, and then some physical information. Ethnicity, height, and weight are not exactly my favorite off-the-cuff ways to describe myself, but Ashley Madison is a casual dating site, and those factors do make a difference. 

Frankly, they even make a difference in serious dating. Just watch The Materialists if you don’t believe me.

Step Three: Verification

After that, I had to verify my email. That was fast and simple.

Once completed, I saw a pop-up asking me to verify my phone number. I had a hard time getting my phone verification code to go through, which added some time to my setup. 

Verification is essential for keeping sites like Ashley Madison as safe as possible, so I see it as time well spent.

Once my verification went through, I was ready to start browsing!

Discovering Singles (and Not-So-Singles)

I was immediately impressed with how clean Ashley Madison’s site design was, especially compared to other comparable casual sites. Visually, the site is pretty minimalist, with three navigation options for your profile, Discover page, and messages.

As a woman, everything was available for free, which is nice, but I know that’s not the case for men. So, I quickly decided to create a male account to get the cost breakdown and compare the two experiences.

The Discover page for both accounts was well-populated. I was really happy with the quality of profiles and the sheer number of local profiles. 

Many niche dating sites are so sparsely populated that the closest profiles will be across the country, but that wasn’t the case on Ashley Madison. 

I saw plenty of attractive men and women close to my age. Many of them had full bios with physical descriptions and what they’re seeking in a partner. 

I came in expecting users to be secretive and keep profile information to a minimum. But that wasn’t really the case. Lots of users put descriptors of their sexual interests and lifestyles.

And, as I’ve stated, I loved how Ashley Madison required users to say whether they’re attached or single. Even if everyone on the site is okay with dating someone in a relationship, it’s nice to get a sense of what’s going on in a person’s life off the bat.

Private Keys

Ashley Madison is known for its emphasis on privacy. A good example of that is private keys. 

Users have the option to create private galleries of their photos that aren’t visible on their profiles. Instead, users have to request access to them, or they can share them directly with a special love interest.

While some users put spicier photos in their galleries, I found that most of them were actually just normal photos that cautious users didn’t want visible to everyone on the site.

To be clear: Requesting a key does not guarantee that they’ll give you access to their photos. 

Each private key request costs three credits (for men only). Messaging costs the same, and if pictures say a thousand words, then getting access to someone’s collection might give you a better sense of your attraction to them in the end!

Pros & Cons

I know Ashley Madison gets a lot of flak for its low-commitment and anonymous vibes. But if the cheaters are going to cheat anyway, I’d personally prefer them to do it off the mainstream apps and in a space where everyone knows what’s up.

Here are the pros and cons to consider if an Ashley Madison membership is tempting you.

Ashley Madison certainly has a popular base — over 80 million users and counting — and the profiles I saw had a lot of helpful information for dating decisions. It did take time to get that level of detail and disclosure on my profile, including verification steps, but I’d say it was well worth it.

Now, the paying to message and responsiveness of users did leave me wanting more. But I’ll get to that in this next section.

Messaging Users

When I logged back into my Ashley Madison account after a few days, I was pleased to see a bunch of new messages in my inbox.

But when I actually read them, I realized the vast majority were third-person messages from Ashley Madison prompting me to make the first move. 

You know that option to have the site auto-contact potential matches? Well, now I was on the receiving end, and it wasn’t so exciting. The messages said things like, “[USER] is looking for a spark. Make the first move and tell her why you’re here.”

I’m glad that the language made it clear the messages were coming from Ashley Madison, not directly from the users. But I think it could be even clearer, perhaps in a bucket of their own. 

This would keep saps like me from getting their hopes up about new messages. I worry that an influx of automessages could mean actual messages would get lost in the fray. Personally, I’m way more excited to respond to a message from an actual person.

My inbox also had notifications from women who’d favorited me or shared their gallery of photos with me. I didn’t get any messages from women — until I messaged first.

I messaged a few women (including those suggested by Ashley Madison), and several of them actually replied pretty quickly. Maybe I’m just not used to online dating as a man, where most women want me to message first!

It’s also worth noting that I used priority messages, which cost five more credits than regular messages and boost a message to the top of the inbox. If you want to stand out, it’s worth it.

Send a Wink

In addition to sending a message or requesting a key, I can send a wink to let someone know I’m interested without going through the work of writing an individual message. It’s similar to sending a like on Tinder or some other swiping app.

I sent a handful of winks — I had three for free each day before needing to pay to send more — but I didn’t get any responses from those. 

Winks are easy. They’re low effort. And that’s probably why they’re less likely to get an answer back. They just don’t stand out or seem as genuinely interested as a message. They’re like Facebook pokes, if you remember those.

Of course, messages cost more credits (if you’re a guy), so sometimes using a mix of winks and messages is just a matter of good strategy.

My Experience With a Paid Account

Now, I’ll say from the jump: If you’re a woman, you can use Ashley Madison for free (yippee!), so what I’m about to say doesn’t really apply to you. You’re going to get a great paywall-free version of Ashley Madison, no matter what.

But if you’re a man, paying for credits is probably your best bet for finding any success on the site.

Here’s the price breakdown for credits:

• 200 credits: $89.00
• 500 credits: $159.00
• 1,000 credits: $269.00

I wanted to go all-in, so I got the top-tier 1,000 credit pack. That sounds like a lot, but trust me, they disappear quickly. 

Each priority message I sent was 14 credits. If I’d had a few longer conversations, I could’ve gone through those in no time.

What’s Free: Without credits, I can browse profiles. I can send three winks and three key requests per day. But I can’t send messages, which makes the chances of moving a connection offline slim to none.

Men can also choose to get a monthly subscription to get more action.

Some users may want to boost their profile by getting Ashley Madison Preferred, a monthly subscription with discounts on credits, extra daily key requests, winks, and more visibility. I definitely think that could help your profile do well, and I saw a promotion for a month-long free trial.

I’d say, at the end of the day, credits are the most important part of the Ashley Madison experience because they power actual conversations, so don’t skimp out on those.

What I Like So Far

I like that users clearly indicate their relationship status and have ample space to describe what they want. This is really useful for a site as free-wheeling and open as Ashley Madison.

I like the quality of the profiles I found. Even though most users blurred their images, they had completely filled out their profiles.

Many users were geographically close to me, as well as close in age.

I like that Ashley Madison automatically finds compatible profiles and sends messages. For a site that doesn’t have swiping, this can save a lot of time. 

I like that you have the option to individually buy credits instead of signing up for a subscription. I struggle to remember to delete my subscriptions when I’m done, so this simplifies the paid membership for me.

What I Don’t Like So Far

I don’t like that automatic messages from Ashley Madison are housed in the same place as messages from users.

I don’t like how few first messages I’ve received. But I might just be used to online dating as a woman.

I don’t like that the site is fairly expensive for men while being free for women. It’s the same service for a different price depending on gender identity, and that seems unfair.

Safety & Verification

Given that I doubly had to verify my account by email and by phone, Ashley Madison felt pretty secure to me. And while this is of course anecdotal, most of the profiles I saw seemed like real people, not bots.

Because Ashley Madison is privacy-focused, many of the profiles are blurred and don’t have full names. It’s a diverse community of strangers who feel liberated to share their intimate thoughts while keeping their real identities a mystery.

This means it’s all the more important to get personal information from anyone you plan to meet up with in person. Low-information profiles aren’t inherently dangerous, but meeting up with anyone offline without identity information is dangerous. 

Some people say they’ve had scammy experiences on Ashley Madison. One Reddit user on the r/adultery subgroup wrote: “I’m certain that some of the profiles were fake since I saw new profiles show up with the same pictures as profiles that I already messaged but with different information.” 

I didn’t see anything like that in my browsing experience.

Unfortunately, you’re going to find unsavory people on most dating sites now, so just make sure to stay alert.

Ashley Madison Has Potential

I didn’t have thrilling conversations on Ashley Madison. I didn’t meet the person of my dreams. But I did see a lot of cool profiles created by people who were all looking for the same thing: relationships outside the rules of monogamy. 

I encountered some interesting people, but I didn’t go on any dates.

If you’re a woman looking for a discreet date, Ashley Madison is the obvious choice. Women can chat with anyone they like for free. And, for better or worse, everyone is honest about what they want. 

You don’t need to awkwardly explain your unhappy marriage, separation, or situationship to some doe-eyed single person on Tinder. Ashley Madison members get it.

If you’re a man, Ashley Madison will come with a price tag when it comes to chatting. The credit system amounts to the same as buying a woman a drink. It’s a first step in flirtation, but you still have to put in the work to seal the deal.

Based on my experience, it’s not exactly like women are inundating you with messages. 

But there are fantastic women on the site — women who are cool with no-strings dating, perhaps because they have a complicated relationship status themselves. If you’re looking to date on the down low, that might be the best you can hope for.