There’s one big snafu a lot of my single friends have when it comes to modern dating, and that’s taking the step to define a relationship and make it serious. Sometimes, great connections can fizzle out after a few dates, through no fault of anyone. Often, it’s because serious dating comes with challenges that, while necessary to help connections grow, can often seem burdensome or even scary.
If you’re stuck in that rut, you might wonder how to strengthen connections and make your relationship last. Whether you find someone through dating apps, word of mouth, or simply by chance, here’s everything you need to know about serious dating.
Key Aspects That Define Serious Dating
There are plenty of differences between serious dating and casual dating, and they can start from the very beginning. Think about the conversations you have when you first meet somebody new — do they dig deep, or are they focused more on the surface? A partner who’s looking for something serious may ask about your family, while a person looking for a hookup might start a conversation by asking what your plans are that night.
Commitment
One of the hardest topics to bring up with a new person is whether your connection is exclusive. You might assume it is based on where the conversation leads, but if the topic of commitment is avoided altogether, you may end up with a broken heart, realizing that you’re competing with others for someone’s attention.
Having a conversation about where you stand may become easier if you’re in an older dating bracket. By the time you’re in your 30s and 40s, you have a better idea of what you’re looking for, and realize that you don’t have as much time to spare. That said, the conversation is also important to have in your 20s, especially if you’re meeting someone online who can easily be having multiple conversations at once.
Don’t be afraid to mention that you’re looking for something serious — being upfront can help weed out people who don’t have the same end-game goals as you do.
Emotional Investment
Emotional investment is a biggie when it comes to differentiating between a serious relationship and a not-so-serious one. Psychology Today best describes emotional investment in banking terms, claiming that “emotional investing would be like putting $100 away in a 401K in the hopes that it will yield a greater return down the road for our retirement.”
It’s putting time into somebody that will pay off even more in the future. It’s easy for some people to invest themselves emotionally into others, but some singles — especially those that might have had a string of bad relationships in the past — may naturally take more time opening up. When it starts to happen, it’s a sign that something bigger may be blooming.
Likewise, it can sting when you break up with a partner you’ve invested emotionally in, since much of their personal life may be entangled with yours. One minute they’re in your life, and the next minute, they aren’t anymore.
Exclusivity and Long-Term Goals
When you talk about long-term goals with someone, you’re testing overall compatibility. Again, new relationships that spawn into later adulthood may have these conversations earlier. Still, having a brief outline of where the two of you see yourselves in a couple of years is a sign that your partner views this pairing as a long-term, serious commitment the way you do.
So, how long do you have to date someone before these talks come up?
There’s no one-size-fits-all, but some experts endorse the 10-date rule, stating, “Waiting until your 10th date before emotionally investing in yourself may allow you to think about the relationship prospect rationally. You can think clearly about how you want the relationship to turn out. It also can allow you to study your partner critically and understand whether you are compatible.”
By then, you should also feel comfortable talking about whether or not you see kids in your future if marriage is important, and when the two of you should start thinking about taking the next big step together. A partner who makes you feel bad for bringing these topics up is more or less telling you they’ve never viewed the relationship as having long-term potential.
Evolution of Dating Norms
Way back in the day, actor George Clooney was known for his bachelor lifestyle almost as much as he was for his career. “When will he settle down?”, tabloids often questioned. That’s because back then, serious dating was more of the norm, and George’s single status was almost baffling, especially since he was named People’s Sexiest Man Alive not once, but twice before settling down.
Had he been a bachelor today, it would have been less of an ordeal. While marriage rates are up today, they declined before the events of 2020, which saw more people cohabitating out of necessity. Even dating itself has changed.
Traditional Courtship
Courtship has looked a little different in decades past, but many traditional aspects of it have remained. It starts with meeting someone new. For those seeking a serious relationship, dates will follow, each one feeling more serious and committed than the last.
Oftentimes, the man would pay for the date — which is no longer as rigid of a requirement — for the honor of taking his partner out. Eventually, the couple would get married, announcing their partnership to friends and acquaintances, and they’d then live life together.
Back in the day, having kids was more accepted, but now individuals are making their own choices based on societal changes that have shifted the once-standard timeline of milestones. While taking on these responsibilities can be rewarding, there’s much less pressure with flings or short-term relationships.
The Impact of Technology
Technology has made dating easier — that is, it can help you identify who’s single and looking. Dating sites have taken care of a lot of the basics.
Sure, not every profile will be truthful, but it’s a step up from approaching a stranger in person, asking if they’re single, and trying to manually test compatibility. Technology has also helped cut down on outdated rituals — in traditional courtship, men usually approached women first. Now, both men and women have the capability of making the first move.
Hookup Culture
On the other side of the spectrum from serious relationships is the hookup, which has also become more common in recent decades. While hookups can be satisfying for those only seeking a physical relationship, their existence adds a level of difficulty for those looking for something more.
Communication is key when approaching a new partner. It’s essential to know what they’re seeking before you risk getting your heartbroken due to incompatible goals.
Why is Serious Dating Important?
Serious dating is important for people who want to build a life with somebody. While some people can happily live solo, having a trustworthy partner by your side for emotional support is generally easier. While partnering up isn’t a necessary part of life, it makes life easier.
Emotional Fulfillment
Emotional fulfillment is one of the main reasons why people seek long-term, serious relationships. It can be nice to have someone have your back and offer support, whether it’s regarding a family issue or a struggle at work. While intimacy is often seen as being physical, emotional intimacy also exists and can add a lot of stability to your life.
Long-Term Growth & Happiness
It’s true — the first thing we notice about people is their appearance.
And oftentimes, hookups and short-term relationships focus on looks more than other aspects — even if someone has a glowing personality and could become an excellent partner, typically the single who’s interested in hook-ups doesn’t have the time or patience to settle down.
Attraction grows when you have time to invest in a relationship, and finding someone you’re mentally compatible with can lead to happier lives and less stressful marriages. It’s a positive domino effect that leads to long-lasting serious relationships with emotional depth.
Stability and Support
Committed relationships also lead to stability and support in other ways. Life can be challenging, especially with events out of our control. From an unexpected layoff to a death of a parent, having someone by your side to help you cope with these big changes can make it easier to overcome them. While couples can choose how they manage finances together, it’s also easier to feel stable with more than one income, or two people that can help manage the household responsibilities.
Creating a Life Together
If you want to have a child and raise a family, it’s usually better to do that in a serious relationship, if not during marriage.
Children also need stability and require a lot of care and attention that — while not impossible — can be very challenging for one person to take on by themselves.
While dating someone seriously, you can get a good glimpse of how they’d be as a parent, and whether they can put themselves aside for somebody else. You get a sense of how they would handle serious situations, and whether they’re a dependable support system.
Online Dating and Its Role in Serious Relationships
Online dating has a lot going for it, but it might be challenging to find someone serious right off the bat. Many people join just out of curiosity, and others are looking more for companionship than something serious. It’s a great way to meet several people at once, but ensuring these meet-ups won’t fizzle out can be a challenge at times.
The Pros and Cons of Online Dating
While sites like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge are excellent ways to meet others and communicate, they can also become oversaturated. You’re competing with several other profiles, and it’s easy for people to ghost without explanation if something isn’t working out on their end, which may lead to hurt feelings or burnout. That said, online dating is still a proven way for people to meet their match.
A study by SimpleTexting from 2017, as reported by Bustle, stated that around 38% of men and 44% of women aim to find a serious relationship online.
Niche Dating Apps
Niche dating apps may offer more success when it comes to long-term relationships, solely because you and your matches will already have something in common. The most successful niche dating app is JDate, which is geared towards Jewish singles finding love.
According to the company, they’re responsible for the success of 52% of online marriages, which is pretty impressive. You might not hear as much about niche dating sites as you would Match or Tinder, but they’re worth seeking out, especially if you’re looking for singles within the same religion.
Swiping Fatigue
Swiping aimlessly without meeting any worthwhile matches? It happens, and it’s okay to take a break. Swiping fatigue means you’ve grown tired of swiping, messaging, and hoping for a response. A dry period can put a damper on online dating as a whole.
It’s important to check in with yourself and ensure that the experience is still enjoyable. It’s okay to disconnect and experience the joys of being single for a little longer.
Challenges for Commitment-Focused Singles
Some singles don’t necessarily want to partake in the flirtations and games as others. Some may find themselves too traditional (or, perhaps, rightfully skeptical) in sending provocative photos of themselves as a method of flirting.
It’s okay to express boundaries — the right person will understand them.
But, it may take a little longer to find the right one if sexting and hooking up shortly after meeting is a turn-off, so it’s important to be patient.
Societal Pressures and Changing Expectations
Back in the day, many women felt undesirable if they weren’t married by the age of 30. Thankfully, that’s changed, but the expectations of our parents and loved ones may not have. When you’re single, it can be hard not to let others meddle with your love life. As long as you’re happy and living for yourself, that’s all that matters — the rest is just noise and gossip.
Ghosting and Fizzling Out
It’s also important to make sure ghosting and fizzling out in relationships don’t take a toll on your mental well-being. In most circumstances, cutting communication altogether is rude. Most of the time, it’s just the easier maneuver for people who would rather not have a sit-down conversation about why the relationship is no longer working.
A shocking 84% of Gen Z and Millennials have reported being ghosted before, so if it’s happened to you, rest assured that you’re not alone.
Miscommunication
With texting culture being as big as it is, miscommunication is bound to happen. While emojis can help steer a written conversation, it’s still much better to have serious chats in person, which may end up happening weeks after initially connecting with somebody online.
When you text someone back, make sure to be as clear as possible regarding how you’re feeling and where you see the relationship.
Pacing and Expectations
It’s important for new potential couples, especially when getting serious, to try to manage their expectations of the relationship and each other. Some might want to move at a slower pace, especially if they’ve recently gotten out of a serious relationship. Communication about the future is a great way to make sure nobody feels left in the cold, and it’s also a great way to make sure you’re compatible if marriage and children are envisioned down the road.
Changing Gender Roles
Gender roles have also evolved, which is wonderful, but can also lead to confusion when figuring out the best way to date today. That’s why it’s vital to take steps towards what you want, regardless of gender. If you wait around for someone else to make a move, you may be waiting forever. Take charge of your destiny, and you won’t find yourself wasting time on people who aren’t quite sure who or what they’re looking for.
Tips for Serious Dating
The path toward love may be fraught with challenges, but you can overcome them by taking intentional steps forward.
1. Define Your Intentions Early
Be honest, be clear, and be kind when talking to someone else. If they aren’t right for you, make sure you tell them, and thank them for their time — how they respond after that is on their own. Likewise, if someone seems like a great fit, tell them how you feel. It can be hard to put yourself out there, but you’ll feel better not keeping your feelings a secret.
2. Build Emotional Intimacy
Building a foundation of emotional intimacy can help build trust. Get to know people for who they are, and how they treat others. Don’t be afraid to trust them and see if it helps your relationship grow.
3. Be Intentional
If you’re on dating apps, don’t just swipe someone you know won’t align with your values just because you find them attractive. If they mention wanting kids and a family, and you don’t, you’ll be wasting both of your time. Don’t expect people to change their wants and needs, since it’s unfair to start a relationship on false pretenses, hoping they’ll have a revelation and suddenly want the future that makes sense to you.
4. Stay Focused
Try to avoid distractions, namely social media, when meeting somebody new. Get to know a person for who they are today and not deep dive into what they looked like on Instagram 10 years ago. If you find somebody you like, don’t put them on the backburner — value their time and their search for love the way you do yours.
5. Know Your Dealbreakers
Sometimes, people can be a little flexible on their values — like if they’re on the fence about having kids, or whether or not they want their family to attend church down the road. Other times, people aren’t. Be firm with your dealbreakers and don’t try to brush off huge compatibilities, since it’ll hurt more down the road when you realize they’re bigger issues than you once credited them as being.
6. Cultivate Relationship Skills
Listen, talk, and learn how to communicate with your partner. Communication is the biggest part of maintaining serious relationships and connections — learn how to share your thoughts without overpowering a conversation, and try to keep emotions in check when it comes to sharing ideas.
7. Keep the Spark Alive
Also, important is keeping the spark alive. Go on dates, surprise each other, and make your long-term relationship know how much you value them. Even the strongest couples may need extra reassurance after handling bumpy situations in life, so it’s crucial to not minimize the importance of time spent together.
Put Serious Thought Into Shared Values and Long-Term Compatibility
Have the tough conversations before you put a ring on it, even if they seem a little absurd. Talk about what would happen if one of you had to relocate for a job, and what would happen if fertility struggles come up while trying to start a family.
Don’t leave anything to assumptions. Discuss pets, boundaries with in-laws, and the best ways to approach conflict. Make sure your family and political values are both in line with each other. While people do change and grow, having that strong foundation from the start is vital when it comes to long-term compatibility.
