If I’m being completely honest, the online dating life has left me jaded. The endless swiping, the tedious small talk, the nasty ghosting. Such habits have today’s singles in a relentless chokehold — it’s become, in the words of The Beatles, “all too much.”
Plus, I’m a booked and busy girl. At the risk of saying something completely eye-roll-worthy here (maybe it’s too late?), I’ve got places to go and friends to see, and the traditional dinner-and-drinks date setup takes up much more time and energy than my schedule allows.
Coffee dates involve two people meeting at a coffee shop, typically on a first date.
Coffee dates, thankfully, have lent themselves as not exactly a solution to this problem but a suitable alternative. Something about sitting down mid-day to have a hot beverage just seems, yes, slightly “noncommittal,” but also low-key in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling mentally and physically drained.
Through the sound of the steaming espresso machine and the lo-fi indie music playing at low volume, a casual yet potentially meaningful conversation between two people is made possible — perhaps in a way hard to replicate within more typical dating formats.
But why is this the case? Are there any pitfalls? And how exactly does this date alternative fit into the current dating zeitgeist? We’re about to explore all of this and more.
Why This Dating Strategy Works
Coffee dates are experiencing a rise in popularity for a reason — because they nurture an environment that feels casual and low pressure while still providing opportunities to sus out compatibility and general “vibes.”
This kind of casual setup appeals to people who have busy schedules have social batteries that deplete easily, or want to use this “kind of a date but not really” meetup as a chance to vet potential suitors that they actually want to explore things further with. (Maybe this sounds harsh, but, again, dating app burnout is so real.)
We’ll get deeper into all of these benefits and more in a later section.
The Rise of Coffee Dates
Thanks to popular shows like “Friends”, “Gilmore Girls”, and “Sex and the City” where coffee dates were regularly featured, it’s tempting to think that the people of the 21st century (aka, all of us alive right now) lay claim to this caffeine-fueled date idea.
It turns out, however, that meeting up for coffee with romantic intent began back in the 17th century, specifically in Europe. Coffee shops — or coffee “houses” — were hotspots for artists, intellectuals, and the rich, and eventually, people started noticing how they were bringing together people of common interests almost effortlessly. Also, guests at this type of locale found it to be much less chaotic than the alternatives: pubs and taverns.
Fast forwarding to modern times; there are fewer puffy sleeves and embroidered gowns, but the sentiment remains the same. Cafes offer a cool, calm, and collected ambiance that allows people to get to know each other in a low-stakes yet still meaningful way that’s difficult to replicate in a restaurant or bar.
Compatibility Screening
For those looking to forego the confusing dating games (situationships, we’re looking at you) and take their search for love seriously, coffee dates can be a helpful tool in gauging compatibility so as to limit time wasted.
Without a movie or axe-throwing activity to distract you, the actual conversation becomes the main event, and you can much more quickly determine how well you and your date may fit as a couple. Ask a couple of light but long-ended questions, throw in a couple of icebreakers, and have fun with it. This is supposed to be low-stakes, after all, so let the juicier stuff come later.
Speaking of “later,” some singles like to use coffee dates as a sort of precursor for a more “official” activity after the initial meeting. If all goes well, for example, you and your potential boo could keep the fun going by walking to a nearby park or heading a couple blocks over to grab dinner. If it doesn’t go well, then you can head out as soon as you finish your hot drink without too much time lost.
6 Benefits of Coffee Dates
We’ve touched on several benefits of coffee dates so far, but let’s get clear about the full extent of it with this list of the top six items.
1. Low-Pressure Environment
I personally hate the traditional dating format, which usually involves going to a bar, a restaurant, or the movie theater. All of these places come with some level of pressure, whether that’s pressure to drink, pressure to sit through an entire meal, or pressure to cuddle (because, in a movie theater, what else is there to do, really?).
Coffee dates, on the other hand, are typically low key and involve a shorter time commitment. The setting is also a lot more public and less intimate, which can take the pressure to be lovey dovey or romantic off the table.
2. Reduces Anxiety
The higher pressure a date is, the more likely you are to have anxiety about the outcome — and the less likely you are to be your most genuine, authentic self. Coffee dates offer a reprieve from the fancy night out, where you feel like you have to “perform,” and allow space for a more relaxed, authentic version of you to make an appearance.
3. Focus on Conversation
Conversations in loud bars are rarely good, are hard to follow, and usually end with the two of you moving to a quieter place anyway. That said, if you’re really trying to find your person, cafes and coffee shops are a much better place to nurture that kind of relationship.
The music is quieter, and you’re probably sitting face-to-face, which means you can focus more intently on what one another is saying. This is where real compatibility can be put to the test.
4. Flexibility & Convenience
One of the best things about coffee dates is that they’re easy to organize. They don’t require any reservations, and they’re typically easy to fit into a packed schedule. Whether first thing in the morning (which I don’t necessarily recommend, but I do respect), during a lunch break, or right after work, they’re easily adaptable for even the busiest of people.
5. Cost-Effectiveness
Seven bucks for a coffee is certainly way more than most of us would prefer, but it beats a $16 cocktail or a $50 ticket to an escape room you probably won’t find your way out of. Plus, coffee dates are usually reserved for early on in the relationship anyway, so there’s plenty of time to dish out the bills on fancier dates in the future (if things go well, that is).
6. Safety & Sobriety
It’s very possible that you or your date are part of the 38% of Americans who abstain from drinking alcohol. Or perhaps, like me, you prefer not to drink on the first couple of dates so as to stay clear-headed and safe from getting spiked.
When this is the case, coffee shops can be a great choice for a date setting, as it eliminates any pressure you or your date may feel to partake in the so-called party potion.
4 Challenges & Considerations
Coffee dates, as much as I’ve been singing their praise, don’t come without their downsides. An obvious one is that not everyone drinks coffee, though I see that as a relatively easy problem to solve: just get a tea or hot chocolate instead.
However, there are a handful of more notable negatives to consider; four of which we’ll touch on here.
1. Different Expectations
Being on two totally different pages is a common theme in the dating world, and it doesn’t stop with coffee dates. One person could have the expectation that your casual cafe meetup will end with dinner or drinks at a bar, and the other could be ready to call it quits after an hour or so of chatting — even if the interaction is going well.
The blasé nature of the date could also create issues when it comes to paying the check, especially because this is usually done at the register before the conversation even begins. I find that the relatively low cost of the occasion makes people more willing to cover the tab without issue, but you just never know.
2. Superficial Connections
As much as the informal vibe is great for putting singles at ease, it’s not so great for facilitating the kind of deep conversations that lead to meaningful connections. Keeping that in mind, it will be important for you to be communicative about your intentions in the dating world at the get-go.
If you’re looking for a long-term serious partner, say that. If you’re looking for a casual fling, say that. If you’re not even sure what you want but you’re hoping to figure it out along the way, you guessed it: say that.
3. Distractions & Interruptions
Coffee shops, I hate to admit, do have their fair share of overwhelming stimuli. There could be people on Zoom calls, a pair of enthusiastic besties catching up at the table next to you, or staff members making a racket behind the counter. That said, it’s best to do a quick Google or Reddit search on the place you’re thinking of going and get a better idea of what the environment is like before you lock it in.
4. Easier to be Stood Up or Ghosted
As I touched on a couple of points back, “casual” is a double-edged sword in the dating world. The relaxed nature of the meetup makes it easier for people to want to bail at the last minute, ask to reschedule, or even ghost you completely.
I’m sure you probably know this by now, but dating these days is not for the weak. Stay strong out there, soldier.
Success Stories & Personal Experiences
If you’re tired of reading about my take on coffee dates, that’s OK — I’ve got a couple of real-life examples for you to sip on today. Let’s get into them.
Amber and Ben
Amber, who just happens to be chief editor at DatingAdvice.com, recalls that her very first date with her now-husband was over coffee.
“I don’t personally believe in drinking alcohol on a first date for safety reasons, but I also don’t like the taste of coffee. I didn’t want to say no though.”
She told her Hinge match that she’d be up for getting hot chocolate at a local coffee shop. He said he hadn’t had a hot chocolate in a long time, and it sounded like a great idea (it was a humid August in Florida, so this answer was 100% him just being polite).
Even though her date, Ben, was 10 minutes late, he made up for it by being sweet and charming (albeit somewhat sweaty after hustling to get there in time). The conversation flowed seamlessly, and eventually they had to decide: to continue or not to continue?
After maybe two hours, he asked if I was hungry for dinner. We ended up deciding to get BBQ, walking down the block of the little downtown area.
The conversation continued to flow, and by the end of the night they had already agreed to attend a trivia event the following evening. Their only point of contention is if getting coffee was really a date.
“He still says that the dinner was our actual first date and the coffee shop was just some sort of pre-date screening that doesn’t count.”
Regardless of where the date started, they both agreed that it was a great date. So much so, in fact, that five years later they’re married with an infant son.
“And it all started with coffee… well, hot chocolate.”
Charu and Her Husband
This coffee date tale is short, but certainly still sweet. Charu, a former English teacher, met her now husband in 2007. After years of being online friends, they decided to (surprise surprise) link up at a coffee shop that was conveniently located between their two universities.
“We both thought coffee was the best way to start a conversation and mark a new chapter in our lives.”
They chatted about favorite authors, favorite musicians, and favorite everythings — and found that their answers didn’t do a lot of crossing over.
What they did find common ground on, however, is what finally broke the ice:
“‘Coffee?’, he asked. ‘Which one would you like to have?’ Feeling awkward again, I told him ‘Thank You! But I don’t drink coffee.’ To which he was surprised. Putting the menu back, he asked ‘Really?’. I replied, ‘ Yes, I am sorry I should have mentioned this when we decided on the venue’. He relaxed back on his chair, smirked a little and then said, ‘Don’t be! I don’t like coffee either, or tea for that matter. Never had one in my life!’ Smiling on this similarity, we then settled for a chocolate pastry which happened to be our favorite.”
Now, 17 years later, Charu and her hubby are happily married with twins. Turns out coffee-less coffee dates get the job done just as well.
Grab a Coffee & Have a Casual Conversation
Compared to other common dating formats, coffee dates provide a relaxed, go-with-the-flow environment where two people can get to know each other with no strings attached (at least at the beginning). The cost is budget-friendly, the time commitment is minimal, and the music is (usually) not at an unbearable volume.
The laid-back vibe of the encounter is a double-edged sword, however, and can sometimes create a lack of commitment or accountability from one or both of the singles involved, so it’s always recommended to go into it with thick skin and low expectations.
Also, it can’t hurt to look up the coffee place you have in mind before putting it in the books; some coffee shops can be just as loud and overstimulating as a bar, and, ultimately, you’re looking for a place where you and your date can, as The Beatles say, “Come together.”
