When I entered into my first relationship at 17 years old, my boyfriend wanted nothing more than to make it Facebook official. This meant changing our Facebook relationship statuses from “Single” to “In a Relationship,” and, at the time, this was huge. Since Facebook was the primary social media platform back in 2015, we were highly aware that making this public change was our way of sending out a press release to families and peers — one that basically said: “I’m taken.”
When my boyfriend’s former crush started showing interest in him mere days into our dating (shocker!), he had a change of heart. Suddenly, he wasn’t as eager to shout our love from the rooftops and, interestingly enough, had a newfound appreciation for privacy. “I decided people don’t need to know what goes on in our romantic lives -– it’s our business!” he convinced me. And so, both of our relationship statuses stayed “single” for the next four years until we broke up due to his emotional cheating.
This little anecdote is a lesson in knowing when you’re being played. Looking at the bigger picture, it’s a common issue at the beginning of the Social Media Era, when everything about the way we approach relationships began to change.
Thanks to the deep integration of social media into our everyday lives, defining a relationship isn’t what it used to be. Young people experience a wide spectrum of comfort when sharing their relationships with the world, ranging from keeping it completely under wraps to going out of their way to showcase it online as much as possible.
With fears of public judgment, the normalization of hookup culture, and many other factors at play, the decision to “make it official” online has become a complex and deeply personal one that will likely continue to evolve as social media does.
The Evolution of Relationship Status in Modern Dating
It has become somewhat of a trend among Gen Zers and millennials to compare modern romance to “being in the trenches.” You know, the brutal, exhausting, and unpredictable military tactic used in World War I.
This likening may seem a bit dramatic, but it’s a reflection of the frustrations that younger generations feel towards finding love in the Digital Age.
In many ways, technology and social media have made it easier than ever to make and keep connections with those we love. But it has also resulted in the concept of “romantic relationships” becoming more fluid than past generations have ever seen.
Historical Context of Relationship Status
When my parents (and maybe yours, too) were in school, the question of who was dating who wasn’t a difficult one to answer. Relationships were made “official” through formal family introductions and exchanges of physical tokens, such as letterman jackets and class rings, that would be worn around town and through the halls of whichever high school or university they were attending. Evidently, public acknowledgment was key, and the handing off of your varsity football letterman to your cheerleader girlfriend was a clear-cut way of making sure everyone knew: she’s off the market.
Not only did young people not have to wonder about who in their graduating class was in a relationship, but they also didn’t have to think too hard about what their romantic future was going to look like once they were. There was a traditional, prescribed progression: you went from “dating” (as in, going on dates) to being “officially” boyfriend/girlfriend, to being engaged, to being married. I’m not necessarily saying this progression was right or wrong, but it certainly was simple.
Then, in 2004, a college student named Mark Zuckerberg came into the picture and changed everything. His form of social media, and all the other forms (Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Reddit, etc.) that came after, would become the solvent to dilute these traditional ideas, forever changing humanity’s approach to romance.
Relationships, arguably, have never been easy, but now, younger couples face new dilemmas: To share your relationship with the world or not to share it? The confusion around this decision comes from the ample difficulties involved in navigating public opinion. In fact, a study recently published by DatingAdvice.com shows that 59% of Gen Zers and millennials “believe social media has ruined the privacy of relationships,” and 51% believe that others “judge their romantic relationships from online posts.”
Shift in Relationship Dynamics
Mainstream platforms like Facebook and Instagram aren’t the only culprits behind the current changes running rampant in the world of romance. Dating apps, which are technically also social media, have left a massive mark on the dating landscape.
With a seemingly endless pool of singles at your fingertips, it has become increasingly acceptable to enter into romantic connections that offer more freedom and flexibility, resulting in the rise of the “situationship.”
A situationship (which we’ll address more in an upcoming section) is a relationship that has no official label. Because of the normalization of this type of relationship, the definitions of “love” and “commitment” have morphed drastically, leaving many feeling less pressure to either lock someone down or be locked down.
On a deeper level, young people are also losing trust in the institution of marriage, which has traditionally been deemed the end goal of dating. And with relationship satisfaction, especially for women, and marriage success rates plummeting by the minute, can we really say we’re surprised?
Influence of Social Media on Relationship Perception
In the case of my ex-boyfriend, he didn’t want to share our relationship online because he wanted to keep his options open. Other people in modern-day relationships may share similar sneaky motivations, or they simply may be fearful of letting public perception slither its way into aspects of the relationship where it doesn’t belong.
The fact of the matter is that sharing your life online in any capacity opens you up to criticism by those you love, and especially by those you don’t. You never know which people out there are sitting behind their phone screens judging you for how often (or how little) you post pictures of your significant other, how you two look as a couple, or why you haven’t gotten engaged or had kids yet. Consequently, one in five respondents from the DatingAdvice survey believe that social media has “negatively impacted their relationship.”
On the other hand, many couples are opting to launch their relationships on social media, begging the question: How much is too much to share online? What do you do with the pictures you post if you break up? What if other couples look like they’re “happier” than you?
Regardless of which route couples embark on, the deliberation process is brutal.
Legit Reasons to Stay Private & Hide Relationship Status
Wanting to share your love with the world can be a common, almost knee-jerk reaction to entering into a relationship. As we just touched on, however, there are plenty of downsides to consider — ones that may leave you wondering if keeping your relationship private is actually more beneficial for your relationship.
Fear of Public Scrutiny
Talking sh*t about other people’s relationships is a tale as old as time; add social media to the mix, and the sh*t-talking multiplies tenfold. If even one picture or video of you and your partner makes its way into an online platform, it’s officially open season on your relationship.
Everything from your looks to the emojis you post under each other’s posts to how many romantic vacations you took together last year can and likely will be judged.
What’s more, your relationship can be scrutinized by family, friends, peers, and strangers even after it’s over. Why? Because the internet is forever, baby. Even if you try to delete any trace of this person from your profile (and 63% of young people do), that doesn’t mean someone somewhere doesn’t have an album of screenshots taking up space on their iPhone Library.
Consequently, 45% of Gen Z and millennial respondents stated that they attempt to save themselves from potential public criticism by keeping their relationships offline.
Desire for Intimacy
I’ll be real with you: If I ever dated another man who didn’t want our relationship to “go public,” I think I’d really struggle. But that doesn’t mean I don’t find the idea of holding the cards of a relationship (which is, in many ways, deeply personal) close to the chest somewhat appealing.
I get that there’s something sweet — almost sexy? — about keeping certain things just between the two of you, and, sometimes, doing so can actually serve the health of your relationship.
This is because sharing the happiest or most romantic moments of your relationship online can become so habitual that it starts to take priority over experiencing the moments themselves, ultimately chipping away at the juicy goodness we’re meant to extract from them.
Concerns Over Relationship Labeling
Once you put your relationship out there, it’s out there for good. In a world where romance dynamics are morphing and changing in unforeseeable ways, it’s no surprise that many young people are reluctant to qualify these dynamics with labels that could change in a few months or years.
For example, let’s say a couple (Greg and Spencer) post a picture of themselves kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower. It doesn’t really matter if they consider themselves “boyfriend and boyfriend” in the official, monogamous sense — most people who come across the picture would assume they are. Why wouldn’t we? They just posted an intimate moment on what was likely a romantic couple’s getaway, right?
However, if months or years down the road, they decide to open their relationship, Greg and Spencer may face new questions: “Should we post any new partners we have?” “Will it be confusing for people?” “Do we feel like we need to explain our situation to family and friends who have been witnessing our relationship online?”.
Ultimately, you can decide not to give a flying fart about what other people will think and post how you want. Many people, however, may feel overwhelmed by the potential for judgment by their peers, something that could have been avoided if they had decided to keep their relationship offline from the get-go.
Normalization of the Talking Phase Online
For better or for worse (I’d argue “for worse”), the blasé nature of dating apps has created a societal lean towards the “no strings attached” relationship. People are still interested in going on dates and, of course, hooking up, but because people are influenced by the illusion of choice, fewer of them are keen to set certain expectations for how these dating dynamics are going to play out.
This results in a lot of singles getting stuck in the “talking phase” (the first phase in getting to know someone where you’re communicating and going on dates semi-regularly but are not “officially” dating) or in situationships with an unclear end goal.
The Rise of Situationships
This is the section of the guide I’ve been dreading the most because the word situationships sends a nausea-inducing shiver down my spine. Although I’ve never been in one myself, I do know many friends who have, and it sounds like an actual nightmare. If hearing this makes you excited to keep reading, you may just be cut out for situationships after all. Let’s get into it.
Definition of Situationship
The word situationship is a combination of situation and relationship and is used to define a dynamic that has no defined boundaries, expectations, or labels. Trying to describe what a situationship looks like is difficult to do, considering that the very nature of the relationship is “loose” and amorphous.
A situationship can be characterized by an incredible first date followed by months of sporadic hangouts that never turn into anything concrete (because one or both parties either don’t want to or decide not to bring it up).
A situationship can start as a platonic friendship that turns sexual, but one of the people involved catches feelings for the other in the process, while the other wants to keep it casual.
It other cases, a situationship can involve two exes who breakup but continue to hook up, with one person thinking they’re getting back together and the other secretly going on dates four nights a week.
What seems to be the common thread between all of these scenarios is emotional connection without formal commitment, lack of clear definitions, and uncertainty. Sounds fun, right?
Why Situationships Are Appealing to Young People
Situationships may be my personal hell, but many people find them quite appetizing. Here are five primary reasons why:
- Freedom and Flexibility: In a world with seemingly endless options at your fingertips, it’s easy to yearn for a life where you don’t have to be bogged down by committing to just one and can have fun sifting through a plethora of contenders openly and freely.
- Fear of Vulnerability: So much of this desire to explore — whether in full or in part — is really just avoidance of getting hurt. Staying in this gray area of “We’re together but not really” helps some feel as if they’ve got preventive control over negative outcomes.
- Exploration Over Labeling: Having such a clear-cut end goal, like making it official or getting married, can put unnecessary pressure on connections right from the start. Alternatively, entering into a romantic dynamic without the need to put expectations on either person involved can help put certain singles at ease.
- Lack of Trust or Past Experiences: In today’s dating culture, full of hookups, ghosting, and micro-cheating doesn’t exactly instill a lot of trust in the concept of commitment. That said, people may feel as if refraining from putting labels on a relationship can help them emotionally distance themselves from feeling the pain of any negative emotional experiences that may arise.
- Ambiguity is Comfortable: In the midst of so many societal, political, and technological changes, an increasing number of young singles are feeling uncertain about their future. More people are moving/traveling the world, questioning the idea of marriage, and reframing their life priorities than ever before — leaving many people opting for fluid/casual relationships that won’t keep them tied down.
Situationships as a Reflection of Changing Dating Norms
Ultimately, I find the rise in situationships to be a perfect representation of the changes we’re witnessing in the modern dating zeitgeist. The state of our world feels fuzzy, confusing, and difficult to grasp. Therefore, the types of relationships we seek will look (you guessed it) fuzzy, confusing, and difficult to grasp.
Many Gen Zers and millennials are fearful of ending up either divorced, emotionally wounded, or dissatisfied like many of our parents are, so we’re taking a different path — one filled with minimal emotional attachment, avoidance, and a lack of urgency to find “the one.”
Psychological and Social Factors
Young people didn’t just wake up one day and decide to say “screw it” to traditional dating rules. As we’ve touched on, several notable factors have influenced this generational shift, including those psychological and social in nature. Let’s get a little deeper into three of these in particular.
There’s Comfort in Non-Commitment
Studies indicate that the more options a person is given, the less satisfied they will be with their choice after they make it. This is because deciding on, for example, one cereal to buy out of a group of 20 cereals requires a lot more brain power than choosing one out of a group of three.
Ultimately, this Paradox of Choice leaves us feeling mentally fatigued and regretful, spending far too much time thinking about “what could have been” if only we’d gone with XYZ instead.
Now, if humans feel this exhausted picking out a cereal to eat for breakfast, imagine how exhausted we feel during the process of finding someone to spend the rest of our lives with. This is the phenomenon that dating apps have created.
They give us (or, rather, make us believe that we have) hundreds, thousands, if not millions of options in potential partners to choose from, leaving many paralyzed in indecision. Many modern-day singles fear that they’ll make the wrong choice, so they end up making no choice at all.
Skepticism of Marriage as an Institution
According to a study conducted by the Institute for Family Studies, the number of young people getting married is at a record low and is predicted to continue declining over the next several decades. From a social and psychological standpoint, this trend is, in part, a result of growing skepticism about the institution of marriage and a devaluation of traditional commitment.
Instead of following the path of our parents and our parent’s parents, younger generations are choosing to prioritize experiential connections over defined ones with a prescribed trajectory. Additionally, there seems to have been a shift in focus away from romantic goals in general.
I think it’s a good thing that younger generations are prioritizing career, personal, and financial growth over romantic attachment.
Globalization and Technology
Technological advancements and the increasing interconnectedness of our world have been the catalysts of all the aforementioned cultural changes. New information, ideas, and people are available to us at the touch of a finger, which undoubtedly has opened up a whole new universe of possibilities. Humans are now more mobile and interconnected than ever, which has created a level of cultural exchange and innovation that past generations could have only dreamt of.
However, this transition from “big world” to “small world” has only put the Paradox of Choice effect into turbo mode. The new technology we have access to allows for more casual connections across borders, only serving to further reinforce the younger generation’s preferences for undefined relationships and, at the same time, their FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
The thinking is: “Why settle for Jonah in Michigan when I could have Giorgio from Greece, Oliver from Australia, or Carlos from Columbia?”
The Cons of Avoiding Relationship Labels
Exploring your options and rejecting the pressure to “settle down” before you’re ready is, I feel, ultimately a good thing for younger generations. But that doesn’t mean that this “no strings attached” mentality is always a healthy way to approach life and love.
- Emotional Uncertainty: Being in an undefined relationship is fun and games until someone’s feelings get hurt. The lack of clarity that comes with this casual approach can often lead to confusion and jealousy — whether for one of the partners or both — and eventually creates dissatisfaction over time.
- Missed Opportunities for Deep Connection: Part of embracing life is accepting that many friendships, jobs, relationships, etc., will be fleeting. But when you approach all of these experiences with a “one foot out the door” mentality, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Avoiding formal commitment may feel like protecting yourself in the short term, but in the long term, you’re not allowing yourself to develop deeper connections that could bring so much joy and meaning into your life.
- Potential for Exploitation: If we learned anything from movies like “No Strings Attached” and “Friends With Benefits,” it’s that casual, label-free relationships are difficult to navigate and usually end in someone getting their heart broken. The two people involved may start out on the same page, but it rarely stays that way for long, and it’s incredibly easy to exploit or let yourself be exploited for the sake of keeping the attachment (whether emotional, physical, or both) going.
New Norms Define the Modern Relationship Landscape
Each era in human history is defined by different social and cultural shifts that seep into every corner of life, including romance. Our current period, referred to by historians as The Digital Age, has come with a wave of changes that have completely transformed the way our younger generations approach love and life.
Where singles once prioritized getting married by 25 and having children by 30, they’re now prioritizing autonomy, privacy, and a rejection of traditional labels. Relationships and marriage are still highly sought after, of course, but at lower rates than ever before, and with a more fluid approach to the expectations that come with each (hence the rise of situationships).
As technology evolves and dating apps continue their reign, the question that comes to mind becomes: Will the desire for non-committal relationships continue to dominate, or will people grow tired of the exploitation, uncertainty, and ghosting and let the pendulum swing back to more traditional commitments? As with most things in life, only time will tell.
But as we watch and wait for this phenomenon to unfold, we can continue to shed light on this important conversation and encourage all those in the market for love and intimacy to lean heavily on healthy communication along the way. Explore, stay curious about what “commitment” means to you, and communicate your intentions to every partner that enters your orbit.
And, for the love of love, don’t ask your girlfriend to be “Facebook Official” (or whatever modern social media equivalent is) if you don’t really mean it.
