When you spend a lot of time with friends, the lines of attraction can easily blur. Maybe you spent an afternoon alone with a friend you usually hang out with in a group. Maybe flirting jokingly stopped feeling like such a joke. Maybe it felt nice to have your platonic plus-one as your date.
If you start feeling some chemistry with a friend, you might panic. You don’t want to mess up a good friendship or the dynamics of your friend group. But the thrill of attraction — especially with someone you already know pretty well — can be exhilarating.
Friends who want to explore a sexual relationship might consider becoming friends with benefits (FWB).
As friends with benefits, two people may hook up or have sex while continuing their friendship without pursuing a romantic relationship.
I’ll walk you through some of the highlights of what this murky dating situation entails.
Understanding Friends with Benefits (FWB)
Not all casual dating and sexual dynamics are the same. FWB is unique from other types of casual relationships in a few key ways.
Definition of Friends with Benefits
A friends-with-benefits relationship is a non-committed relationship involving both emotional and physical intimacy. The friends share the “benefits” of a sexual relationship. Friends with benefits have a genuine friendship — usually one that begins before their sexual relationship starts.
While they can form in different ways, in my experience, the classic friends with benefits are two members of a larger friend group who realize their attraction.
Friends with benefits are dramatically different from some other casual relationship types like one-night stands because they have an added expectation of emotional closeness. And while a FWB relationship is usually temporary, it comes with an expectation for continued connection after the benefits of the relationship end.
These relationships may look like situationships, but in reality they’re pretty different. While situationships are by definition undefined and toeing the line of commitment, friends with benefits should have clear expectations about the relationship — neither party should expect it to get serious.
Just because FWB relationships are casual doesn’t mean they’re cold or disconnected. It’s not just about physical pleasure — FWB relationships often involve emotional closeness or companionship. These relationships are attractive to people not just because of their convenience, but because of the emotional connection that hooking up with a friend can offer.
Key Characteristics of an FWB Relationship
If you’re trying to figure out if becoming friends with benefits is right for you and your friend, you should know the main traits that you’ll find in these relationships and decide if they sound good to you.
FWB relationships have clearly set emotional boundaries. Friends in these relationships share the expectation of maintaining their friendship without the pressures of a romantic relationship. Try not to lean on your friend more than you would have before expanding your sexual connection.
The main difference between an FWB relationship and a regular friendship is the sexual component. These relationships include sexual or intimate contact without the traditional commitment or exclusivity.
However, some people may prefer to only have sex with one person at a time, so their FWB relationships would be sexually exclusive until one or both friends want to explore a connection with someone else.
In my opinion, the most important part of a FWB relationship is that both parties are on the same page about the non-committal nature of the relationship. If you’re hoping that your friend will realize their romantic feelings for you over the course of your sexual relationship, this relationship structure is probably not for you. Chances are, you’ll get your feelings hurt and lose a friend in the process.
With any sort of casual relationship, communication is essential, and that’s certainly true of FWB relationships. Make sure to have open discussions about boundaries, expectations, and feelings, and share any changing emotions as they come up. If you do start to have feelings for your friend or decide the relationship isn’t working, talk about it as soon as possible.
Common Misconceptions
Popular wisdom about friends with benefits can be misleading, normative, or straight-up wrong.
You may have heard that FWB relationships are drama-free or problem-free. Sometimes, people pursue FWB relationships assuming that they’ll be simple because both parties like each other as friends. In reality, they can create chaos in your friendships.
When you hook up with a stranger, you never need to see them again. But when you hook up with a friend, that can change how you interact with your entire friend group. And if conflict arises, it may have broader consequences for your social circle.
Some people believe it’s impossible for people to maintain a platonic friendship alongside physical intimacy, especially for women. But if you truly don’t want a romantic connection with your friend, this isn’t the case. Having sex doesn’t usually make people have sudden romantic feelings, so if they didn’t exist already, they probably won’t come up spontaneously.
FWB relationships are usually associated with young people, but they can come up for any age group. Oftentimes, older singles may be better suited for these relationships, as they have a stronger sense of their emotional boundaries and relationship goals.
Pros & Cons of FWB
FWB relationships have some high highs and low lows. They can be a wonderful addition to your life, or they can hurt your social life and romantic life at once. Proceed intelligently.
Advantages
We all need emotional connection, even when we don’t want to prioritize dating. With a FWB relationship, you can preserve your independence and focus on personal growth, even as you enjoy a sexual relationship and companionship.
Many singles feel some pressure to have a long-term relationship that leads to marriage. But when you become friends with benefits, you can take some of that pressure to conform to societal norms around dating off yourself. You can have a fun relationship without worrying about where it leads or what it means for your romantic future.
Sometimes, singles want to explore and experiment with sex, but they don’t want the burden of emotional attachment. FWB relationships give singles a safe space to experiment with one partner without needing to get serious romantically.
Challenges
The lines between connecting emotionally as friends or romantic partners are difficult to define. I’ve cried on my friends’ shoulders plenty of times, but if we were sleeping together, would that make that behavior romantic? There’s not one set answer, and two friends might have different opinions. It’s tricky to have a continued sexual relationship without a romantic one.
Additionally, it may be hard for you to define your relationship to your other friends and people in your life. Your FWB partner is your friend, but in the eyes of other people, they’re more than that to you. They may not understand the boundaries or the casual nature of your relationship.
Expecting your FWB relationship to have no effect on your friendships can be naive. This isn’t to say that you’re going to fall in love with your friend if you hook up with them, but sex changes the way people relate to each other.
Consider you get in a serious relationship later on. You and your future partner may be uncomfortable with your being as close to your friend because of your sexual history.
While friends with benefits can work, I’ve never seen it end in a continued friendship in my own life or in the lives of my friends. It’s hard to want to continue to be friends with someone after you’ve decided to end a sexual relationship.
The Impact of FWB on Modern Dating Life
FWB relationships and other casual relationship structures are huge parts of modern dating. Many singles see their romantic options as not just singleness or marriage but also relationships that allow them both freedom and connection.
Redefining Relationship Goals
Marriage isn’t always the goal anymore. Many singles have shifted from desiring traditional, long-term commitments to more flexible relationship models.
For some singles, casual dating is a stepping stone to either more serious relationships or to remaining single. They may see casual dating as a good way to find companionship while focusing on other parts of their lives, like their career.
Expectations around exclusivity are changing in modern relationships. Many people only want to see one person at a time, but this is by no means a given. If you start seeing someone, make sure to ask directly about exclusivity early on so no one gets hurt later on.
Long-Term Effects on Relationship Preferences and Behavior
People who enjoy FWB relationships may prioritize friendship in their relationships going forward. This can lead to romantic relationships that are grounded in deep emotional connection, some of which begin with friendship.
A pattern of low-commitment relationships can give singles a fear of commitment. If you realize you’re pursuing these relationships out of fear instead of genuine desire, try to work through that.
Casual dating can normalize non-monogamous relationships for singles, whether that be through open relationships or polyamory. While this isn’t inevitable, being comfortable with FWB relationships may make you more open-minded about relationship structures that may work for you.
The Role of Consent and Mutual Respect
Consent is foundational in all casual dating and FWB relationships. All parties need to be on the same page about relationship goals and expectations.
Make sure you and your friend respect personal boundaries and that both parties’ needs are met without manipulation. Again, don’t go into this hoping to convince them to fall in love with you.
Consent is important in traditional relationships, but it’s easier for both partners to be on the same page about what they want off the bat. With casual relationships, everything needs to be defined.
5 Tips for Successful FWB Relationships
When it comes to any casual relationship, you need to minimize hurt feelings as best you can. This advice will help you have the best time you can without imploding your friendships.
- Check In Frequently & Be a Friend: Even when you’re sleeping together, you’re friends first. Be receptive to your FWB.
- State Your Intentions Honestly: Don’t pretend you do or don’t want something more serious.
- Have Realistic Expectations: FWB relationships only work when both parties truly want something casual. Don’t expect this to lead to a committed relationship, or, on the flip side, be shocked if your friend develops complicated feelings.
- Set Boundaries: Know the lines between romance and friendship. Set clear boundaries so that the relationship doesn’t get emotionally confusing.
- End Things Before Anyone Gets Hurt: If you sense that the FWB relationship is getting too complicated, end it. The sooner you do, the more likely it is that you can keep your friendship.
Friendship & Romance Can Be a Powerful Combo
Platonic connection, romantic connection, and sexual connection are three different things. You can be attracted to someone you care about as a friend without wanting a romantic relationship. And even without the expectation of a relationship, friendship can enhance the depth of your sexual connection and provide strong companionship.
At the same time, the inherently fleeting nature of casual sex can invite unwanted complications and drama into your friendships. Before deciding to become friends with benefits, you should weigh the potential benefits and hurdles of this type of relationship.
