The Scoop: Connection gets easier when you know who you are– and what you’re looking for. Relationship coach John Kenny talked to us about what a healthy relationship looks like and what you and your partner can do to step into a more fulfilling and intimate partnership.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what your relationship is actually like when you’re in it. Usually, that clarity comes only when you’re pushed to really examine it, or, unfortunately, when the relationship ends.
I think this is especially the case for the first intimate relationships we find ourselves in. Think about your first serious boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, and the way you regarded them, specifically at the beginning of the relationship.
For me, I remember being somewhere close to delusional. I was 19 when I found myself seriously involved for the first time, and I was nothing short of obsessed with my boyfriend and the potential I saw in him and us (yeah, lol).
The imagined possibilities of our relationship blinded me to obvious issues. But something else also made it difficult for me to really examine our compatibility and the reality of our relationship.
I didn’t know anything.
I didn’t know anything about relationships or what they really are or what they mean. I was a teenager doing it for the first time– of course I didn’t know anything. When that relationship ended a few years later, I found myself foolishly wishing that I knew then what I know now.
The more we know about what a healthy relationship can and should look like, the closer and more fulfilling our connections become.
We talked to relationship coach John Kenny about the signs of a healthy relationship and what couples can get out of coaching, plus what to look for when you’re searching for support for your relationship.
John has nearly 20 years of experience in counseling and coaching. His approach, called Therapeutic Coaching, offers a unique blend of psychology, coaching and counseling techniques, and neurolinguistic programming.
“As a therapist, I noticed that nearly everything people came with, nearly 90%, were problems related to relationships in some way, shape, or form,” John said. “They were carrying issues from the past, due to relationship experiences of childhood, into their current relationships.”
John Kenny Helps People Find Connection
When he was working as a therapist, John was seeing a variety of clients. Nearly all of them were struggling with relational issues in their life caused by past hurts and negative experiences.
“There was generally a relational aspect behind certain problems which if you could sort out the relational stuff, it would make their lives a lot easier,” John said. “It wouldn’t necessarily take away the problem, but it will make a massive difference.”
Each of us has a relationship history, even if you’ve never been in a romantic relationship. Any kind of close relationship can inform our views and expectations for how relationships should be. The relationships with the people we rely on most in childhood are especially affecting.
John said his own relationship history is complicated, too. “It comes from destructive relationships, toxicity, some abusive relationships,” John told us. “My own childhood stuff wasn’t very good. When I was able to get a handle on that, it made a big difference to me.”
Exploring and understanding our stories gives us the self-knowledge we need to find healthy relationships. It allows us to see our stories from a different point of view and empowers us to decide how much of the story we carry. Digging into the painful stuff, as difficult as it can be, is what frees you from it.
John made the switch from counseling to coaching in 2012 and has been focusing on relationship coaching since 2016. He told us working with couples can be a whole different ballgame.
“Relationships can be quite complex and complicated,” he said. “When people come together, you’ll get into different worlds colliding. Being able to understand the dynamics of those worlds is essential to having a healthy relationship and overcoming problems.”
John helps couples and individuals understand themselves, how they function in relationships, and how they view the relationship they’re in. He said when you have a certain view of yourself, you’re going to expect other people to mirror it.
“If you haven’t got a particularly healthy relationship with yourself, you might struggle to find a healthy relationship with someone else,” John said.
What Does a Healthy Partnership Look Like?
A healthy partnership doesn’t describe a “perfect” partnership– there’s no such thing.
“It’s amazing to me how many people I talk to have an expectation that others will think and feel the same as they do, or they don’t understand why people don’t react or respond in the same way,” John said. “It’s important to understand that pretty much no one is going to think and feel the same way you do.”
You have to dig into your story and the story of your relationship to decide what a healthy and fulfilling relationship looks like. John’s work with clients is about improving the mindset around connection, so you can step into relationships as a more self-actualized and secure version of yourself.
Every relationship is different. But John said there are a few green flags for healthy partnerships that you can look out for.
- You feel relaxed, calm, and able to be yourself when you’re with your partner
- You think positively about your partner when you’re apart
- You and your partner can resolve conflicts
- You and your partner prioritize each other’s needs
- You trust your friends and family’s opinions about the relationship
“The biggest indicator is when you’re able to be yourself and you feel generally fulfilled and happy around that person,” John said. “You’re not constantly thinking about them in negative ways, or keeping checks on them.”
John said it’s a great sign when you can let go and enjoy the in-moment connection. It’s all about being mindful of where your head is. Do you smile when you think of your partner? Do you miss them when you’re not with them?
If your friends and family aren’t on board with your relationship, that could be a sign that you need to think more about your partner and the relationship. Why do the people in your life not approve? What are they worried about? These are all useful questions to ask yourself.
In a healthy relationship, people find pleasure from their partner’s pleasure. You can trust your partner to prioritize you, and your partner can trust you to do the same.
How to Find a Trustworthy Relationship Pro
If you’re looking to improve your relationships, coaching can be a great place to start. But it’s so important that you choose the right kind of coach. The advice and guidance you receive from a coach, especially if you’re in a rough spot in your relationship, has the power to transform your life and relationships.
You must choose wisely.
John’s approach blends techniques from his counseling days– like investigating past experiences– with the core elements of coaching, like problem-solving, goal setting, and implementing actionable changes in your daily life.
“I think some people come to the coaching space because they’re trying to move forward, set goals– they’re looking at an end goal,” John said. “They just want to look forward, and that works for some people. But sometimes it doesn’t.”
Coaching aims to help you set and achieve goals. If your relationship experiences have been hurtful and negative, you won’t have the proper tools to meet that goal. The tools coaching gives you are most useful once you’ve worked through the hurt that past relationships have caused.
Here are John’s tips for selecting a relationship coach:
- Shop around– talk to a few coaches about what they offer
- Make sure your coach has experience with the challenges you’re facing
- Read reviews
- Choose a coach you connect with, and who you feel sees you
“You want an honest coach,” John said. “Ask them how they can help you, and see how much their answer resonates with you.”
Relationships aren’t easy. But they’re also the most important things we do. If you’re struggling right now, reaching out for support may feel overwhelming. But it may be the step your relationship needs.
“It’s about finding the right mindset, setting the right boundaries for yourself and for the relationship,” John said. “If you’re not fulfilled, if you’re not happy, if you know it could be better, there’s always an avenue for someone to help you.”
