The Scoop: Dating can be a long, winding, confusing journey. This doesn’t mean it can’t be fun! Dating coach Eimear Draper from Kindling Dating gave us her tried-and-true dating shortcuts that not only make the journey more enjoyable, but more efficient as well.
They say that dating is a journey. If this is true, I certainly hope it isn’t like my family’s 2007 road trip to Niagara Falls, which abruptly ended with a crushed muffler, a dead skunk, and me with a nasty bout of the flu. It wasn’t the fun, fulfilling journey anyone was hoping for.
Thankfully, Eimear Draper from Kindling Dating isn’t only a dating coach, but an experienced guide on the road to true love. She assured us that finding the love of your life doesn’t need to be the journey from hell. In fact, dating should (and often is) a fun, interesting, eye-opening experience that teaches you more about yourself in the process.
Even better, Eimear used her own expertise to offer useful dating shortcuts. And unlike the shortcut that somehow ended with my family and I crossing the Canadian border, Eimear’s shortcuts are sure to get you closer to finding the love of your life.
“With the right person, all the stuff that you worry about just falls away,” Eimear told us. By establishing clear dating goals and being more efficient on the apps, your journey to finding the right person may be shorter than you thought.
What Do You Really Want?
Eimear gives her clients the shortcuts she wishes she’d had when she was dating. “I basically came out of heartbreak and threw myself into online dating,” she told us. “I think it would have been more sensible to actually have some time to process what I wanted out of online dating.”
Instead, Eimear did what so many of us have done: She scheduled multiple dates with men from the apps, confusing quantity with quality. Her online dating experience was far from ideal. “I started online dating and going on loads of dates and coming home crying,” she admitted.
This reality is something I can definitely relate to, and I bet you can, too. Thankfully, Eimear learned from her experience, and is determined to help her clients avoid the classic dating app mistake.
So many of us see online dating as a deep pool of options. Surely, your soulmate must be hiding somewhere among the hundreds of profiles! A major mistake, she told us, is casting too wide a net. You should search with more precision. You shouldn’t “go into dating without any kind of clear intentions and without a clear understanding of what you want.”
However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore your options on the apps. In fact, there’s value in casting a wide net when you first start out. To date with intention, you must have a clear idea of what you want. “You’re able to recognize the right person when they’re in front of you because lots of little things will have created this feeling within you of what wasn’t right and what was right,” Eimear explained.
All it takes is one bad date to know that you never want to end up with someone who, say, is rude to waitstaff, or consistently depends on you to make the first move.
“You need to be clear about your values and what you value in somebody so that when you’re going on dates, you are actively assessing how you feel and how you want to feel in a relationship.”
Eimear can empathize with those who are drawn to the apps. After all, the apps essentially put countless potential matches in the palm of your hand. It’s freeing, but it’s also distracting. Eimear encourages her clients to look beyond the profile pics and prompts and focus on the big picture.
“You need to be clear about your values and what you value in somebody so that when you’re going on dates, you are actively assessing how you feel and how you want to feel in a relationship,” she told us.
As soon as you know exactly what you’re looking for, it’s much easier to cut through the clutter.
Common Dating Pitfalls
Dating can feel like a long, winding road that never ends, but Eimear assured us that this isn’t true. There actually can be shortcuts on the road to true love. We’ve established the importance of knowing what you want before you start online dating, but it’s just as important to keep an open mind.
Social media, and dating apps by extension, are all about snap judgements, which usually don’t lead to happily ever afters. “An app is very superficial,” Eimear said. “You’re just going off looks … you’ll find loads of excuses to discount everybody.”
This is especially true if you still have “barriers or blockages you haven’t really cleared,” Eimear explained. These “barriers” are usually fears you can’t quite vanquish. Maybe your fear of commitment gets in the way of a potential long-term relationship. Or maybe you’re afraid of being emotionally vulnerable, which could prevent you from making deep, fulfilling connections.
If you constantly find yourself starting from scratch on the apps, some soul searching may be in order. “You’re the common denominator,” Eimear pointed out.
This is when a dating coach or therapist comes in handy. A neutral third party is more likely to tell you what you may not want to hear, but need to hear. Eimear told us how a coach can help clients come to terms with their level — or lack thereof — of self-awareness. You’d be shocked how few people skate along in their dating life without actually asking themselves, “Do I really like this person enough to spend the rest of my life with them?”
Eimear urges women in particular to ask themselves, “Is this person right for me? What is my choice in this? Are our values aligning, or am I just being swept up?”
Dating is one of life’s most complicated balancing acts. Just when you think you’ve found “the one,” they reveal a personality trait that would normally give you pause. Eimear noted how some red flags shouldn’t be ignored, but others are just your own insecurities in disguise.
“When you get over-focused on red flags, that’s all you’re going to see,” she pointed out. “If you’re looking for red flags, you’ll see red flags and you will twist what might actually be normal behavior into a red flag.” There’s a simple shortcut around this problem, and it’s one Eimear already mentioned: Know what you want, and make your intentions clear.
This advice works in real life and when you’re online dating, too.
Her Advice: Use Dating Apps More Efficiently
The key to finding love online is to slow down and check in with yourself. “Stop for a second and ask yourself, ‘Do I feel safe? Do I feel comfortable? Do I feel like I can open up to this person?’” Eimear suggested.
You’d think that slowing down is the opposite of efficiency, but Eimear told us it saves time and energy in the long run. “A shortcut is to spend more time creating self awareness, which probably feels counterintuitive because it’s not as action oriented as going on loads of dates,” she explained. “But having that [self awareness] will make the process quicker, easier, and less disheartening.”
Dating apps don’t always make dating easier. “The goal you have, which is to meet somebody and delete the app, is not aligned with the app developer’s goal, which is to keep you in there for as long as they can and get you to pay the higher premiums,” Eimear pointed out.
I always assumed that online dating was one of the more efficient ways to find dates because everything you could need is in one convenient app, from diverse profiles to photos to chat features. As Eimear pointed out, online dating is only as efficient as you make it. If you tend to get just as swept up by a virtual romance as an in-person one, try to keep your expectations in check.
“Try your best not to emotionally engage until you actually need them,” Eimear added. “You can’t assess attraction or compatibility through messages, phone calls, or voice notes.”
You can learn a lot more about chemistry and someone’s overall energy on an in-person date than on a dating app. The online dating process is even more efficient when you make the first move. “Just send a message, start a conversation, ask some questions, and let the conversation flow,” Eimear suggested.
If you have trouble trusting your judgment online or in person, Eimear’s six-week course, “It’s Your Turn,” may help. “It combines a mindfulness mindset with intentionality, and has practical tips about how to put it into play in the dating space,” she told us.
Ultimately, the best dating shortcut is to trust your gut. “Build up enough trust in yourself that you can believe what you’re feeling, what your heart is telling you, and what your body’s telling you,” Eimear advised. “That’s your answer.”
