Key Takeaways

Most of us have a dating horror story, one we end up chuckling about with friends over cocktails. But not every dating horror story is a funny anecdote. For queer daters, a dating horror story is, too often, just that: a traumatizing tale of romance-turned-hate. It’s a sad reality that queer daters are commonly targeted by bad actors and predators.

So when the dating app Feeld surveyed 6,000 people from the U.S., UK, and the Netherlands for its report “The State of Dating Vol 2: Building Safer Intimacy Through Inclusivity,” it didn’t come as a surprise that one specific group preferred the relative safety of a screen to in-person dating.

Feeld’s study found that queer daters are 80% more likely than straight daters to seek out romantic connections online, rather than offline. This is largely because queer daters tend to prioritize their own safety, especially in the early stages of dating, when they’re still getting to know the person on the other side of the screen.

“The report explores how digital platforms can create safer, more inclusive environments for connection, especially for minority communities, to foster trust and authenticity in an era where digital intimacy is intrinsic in our daily lives,” according to Feeld.

Feeld’s report was co-written by Dr. Apryl Williams, who is Assistant Professor of Digital Studies, Communication & Media at the University of Michigan and a Faculty Associate at Harvard’s Berkman Klein Center for Internet and Society. She explained how creating safe online spaces for LGBTQ+ individuals is just as beneficial for the dating industry as it is for the queer community. “When apps are designed with marginalized communities in mind, they not only create inclusive environments but also redefine how safer intimacy can be cultivated in a hybrid world,” she said.

Hate Crimes Are A Scary Reality For Queer Daters

A heterosexual dater — especially one who identifies as male — doesn’t necessarily have to worry about being targeted for hate on a dating app. Queer daters don’t have the same luxury.

In 2023, the FBI reported 11,447 hate crime incidents. A little more than half of those incidents were motivated by race, while 18% were motivated by sexual orientation. Four percent were motivated by gender identity. For anyone of color in the LGBTQ+ community, the chances of being the victim of a hate crime is higher than that of a white heterosexual individual.

Feeling unsafe in the world is a reality for some queer individuals, which is why so many of them prefer keeping their romantic interactions online until they feel comfortable with their potential match.

People who identify as transgender, non-binary, and genderqueer are most likely to prefer online dating to offline dating. Fears of being misgendered, judged, and targeted for their identities may explain why 83% of respondents across the U.S., UK, and the Netherlands prefer dating online. When they’re separated by a screen, daters don’t have to worry about physical violence. Verbal and emotional abuse, however, can still cause serious damage through a screen.

The Power of the Block Button

When fear colors so much of the dating experience, it can make opening up to potential matches a difficult task. This may explain why 34% of respondents said they felt that connecting online helps them build trust with someone over time. On a dating app, there’s freedom to explore profiles and to chat with someone with the “block” button reassuringly in the corner of the screen.

There’s no “block” button in real life, but there is on a dating app.

Blocking and reporting tools are essential safety features for everyone, but especially for people who may be targeted because of their LGBTQ+ identity. More than half of respondents — 53%, to be exact — told Feeld that these safety features are vital to their overall wellness.

It’s just as important for digital spaces to remember that every letter in the LGBTQ+ acronym stands for a specific community with its own safety needs. Providing resources for each community — a helpline for struggling trans youth, or pre-written ice breakers for nonbinary daters, for example — can go a long way to making minority groups feel safe and heard.

Embracing inclusivity, as well as the safety concerns of those in minority communities, is essential if a dating platform wants to be a supportive and welcoming place for every dater.

Queer Daters Want to Feel in Control

It isn’t safe to be outwardly queer in some parts of the world, and Feeld’s study reflects this. Sixty-six percent of trans and gender-nonconforming respondents said they have had to meet up with potential matches outside of their geographical area. They had to go out of their way to avoid putting themselves and/or their date into dangerous situations. With so much at stake, it makes sense why so many respondents prefer keeping relationships online.

Interestingly, some queer respondents found that online dating has helped them to feel more open-minded toward potential matches. Specifically, 40% said that having more time to process their feelings toward a potential match helps “reduce the kind of hostile exchanges that occur when individuals do not feel they have space to lean in with genuine curiosity and kindness.”

The key word is control: Control over their dating timeline, over what and how much they share, and over which boundaries are crossed. Another 40% of respondents said they feel safer meeting face to face with their online date once they’ve already gotten to know them via the app.

Additionally, 58% of surveyed Feeld members said that having control over their personal information is what makes them feel the most safe while dating. This may not sound very romantic, but for some minority communities in the world, it’s the only way they can preserve their love lives and their own personal well-being.

Feeld’s report sheds light on the constant battle the queer community must fight for their own physical safety. By meeting the safety needs of queer daters and giving them full control over their dating journeys, dating platforms can once again facilitate love — not hate.