The Scoop: Not all therapy is created equally, especially when it comes to couples therapy. We talked to therapist Jamie Molnar about how holistic approaches can help high-conflict couples work through recurring issues and into a more closely connected partnership.
One of the hardest truths to swallow in your early 20s is that they were right. Your parents, your teachers, the adults you rolled your eyes at– they were right. Not about everything, but definitely about some things.
And one area the adults in my life were definitely right about, despite how much I took their advice for granted, was how important it is to take care of your whole self. I didn’t really realize, though, that “exercise daily” and “eat your vegetables” and “get enough sleep” weren’t just directives to ensure I kept myself alive.
These are necessities for feeling OK, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
So, when we go to solve a problem in our lives, no matter where it may be, we need to address the way our whole selves are reacting and responding to that problem. When couples struggle for long periods of time with the same issues, addressing the whole self is especially important.
High-conflict couples often run into the same problems again and again, with increasing frustration, even when they know the skills and habits they need to change. While their minds may have the intellectual information about their behavior and how to change it, their bodies haven’t caught up yet.
Helping these couples rediscover their connection and work through their recurring conflicts begins with discovering what each person needs– and what they’re missing.
We talked to Jamie Molnar, a couples therapist who specializes in holistic approaches, about why couples fight a lot, fight about the same things, and what they can do about it.
Jamie has her own practice in St. Petersburg, Florida, Be Your Best Self & Thrive, where she helps individuals and couples with her unique blend of yoga practice, depth psychology, and focus on overall well-being.
Jamie told us that these couples need an approach that sees them and their relationship in its wholeness. This means not just working on the mind or the heart, but the body and mind as well.
“I specialize in yoga psychology,” Jamie said. “It’s this unique blend between ancient yoga philosophy and modern depth psychology principles. With high-conflict couples, assuming couples therapy is appropriate, I find a combination of the Gottman Method and DBT are helpful initially in bringing down the temperature, and then we can move into more repair and trust building from there.”
Jamie on Healing the Mind, Body, & Spirit
Jamie has been in the psychology field for 19 years, and she told us her journey has not been straightforward. After experimenting with film and philosophy, her coursework led her to psychology. From there, she told us the rest is history.
“I’ve been in the field for a long time and worked in so many different settings,” Jamie said. “I’ve found that I really enjoy the dynamics of relationships. I not only enjoy helping individuals find connection with themselves and the world around them but also strengthening those individual bonds with the people in their lives.”
Jamie also saw that many people were struggling with their romantic relationships. Divorce rates, while going down, are high, and nurturing the relationships we have has become increasingly more difficult in a post-COVID, virtual, and increasingly disconnected world.
Every person and couple is going to have a different pathway to the strong relationships and self-actualized lives they want. Jamie said helping her clients discover this pathway is one of the most rewarding parts of her job.
“I really enjoy helping couples build that pathway and figure out what that magic formula is for them to be with their person long-term and have a really happy and healthy relationship,” Jamie said.
The pathways Jamie helps her clients discover will depend on what they’re struggling with, what they are looking for, and the complex dynamics of their relationship.
But no matter what the pathway looks like, it brings couples awareness of their minds, bodies, and souls, and teaches them how this awareness can extend to heal wounds, nurture the relationship, and build a deeper intimacy with their partner.
Is That Your Lizard Brain Speaking?
Jamie integrates methods from various modalities into her work, but she told us she usually starts couples with techniques from the Gottman Method. Developed by Drs. John and Julia Gottman, the Gottman Method is one of the most popular and effective methods for couples therapy.
“I love the Gottman Method because I find that it provides a lot of structure and tools to help us bring the energy down, bring the emotion down, and figure out how to communicate in the first place,” Jamie said. “Gottman Method helps us learn and internalize those core communication skills.”
Once clients are incorporating some of the basic communication skills from the Gottman Method, she begins integrating ideas from depth psychology, EFT and Imago. This is where she focuses on attachment, childhood, unconscious drives and past relationship experiences and gets into the nitty-gritty of who a person is in the present and how they got there.
We’ve referred to “high-conflict couples” throughout this piece, and while you can probably think of a couple you would personally categorize as high-conflict, Jamie said many of the couples who go to couples therapy have been in conflict for a long time, and the conflict can vary greatly in severity and intensity as well as how it presents. Some couples may be more avoidant, some more outward, and some a combination of both.
“This is true for a lot of couples therapists, but usually by the time people make it to us they’ve been in conflict for a long time,” Jamie said. “And sometimes, one partner has one foot in or one foot out. People are unsure if they want to stay in the relationship, and people are angry.”
These couples may find themselves in the same conflicts over and over again, and repeated arguments can lead to emotional disconnection and mental discord, for the couple and everyone who lives in their household. Usually, therapy is a last resort for these couples.
When we experience conflict over a long period of time, especially conflict with a person we love and care about, our brains begin reacting differently to that conflict. Our mental states are flooded, we can become easily overwhelmed by emotions and may say or do something we don’t mean.
“When you’re in that fight or flight, you’re not thinking logically or rationally,” Jamie said. “I call it lizard brain, we’re in survival mode. Our nervous systems hijack us, and put us in this high-stress place that makes conflict resolution nearly impossible.”
Our nervous systems are designed to keep us safe with a bunch of different chemical reactions that decide whether we fight, flee, or freeze.
When arguments with our partners are stressful, our nervous systems can pump these chemicals that cloud judgment and put us in a highly reactive state.
Moving out of the lizard brain is about listening, acknowledging, and retraining the way your nervous system responds to conflict. This is where yoga and other holistic approaches come in for Jamie and her clients.
“It’s about realizing when your partner is activated, when they’re in lizard brain mode, and taking a pause,” Jamie said. “We want to be in the philosophical range when we’re talking to our partner. We want to be able to identify and express emotions and be able to logically think about what’s going on.”
How to Make Couples Therapy Work for You
Going to see a therapist once is one thing. But for therapy to bring you and your partner the results you want, you have to commit to the process. Jamie said there are a few important things to do before you commit, though.
“If you want a successful process, the first step is finding the right therapist,” Jamie told us. “Really look at their profile. Does their energy align? Does their method make sense to you? Do you feel like they know what they are doing? Make sure they have credentials, and make sure they specialize in couples therapy.”
Don’t be afraid to meet with several therapists to get a feel for the kind of environment and personality that feels secure and safe for therapy. Jamie encouraged couples to do consultation calls and ask as many questions about the process as they can.
Once you’re in sessions, you and your partner need to be clear about why you’re there and what you’re looking for from the process.
“Are you just trying to get out of it? Are you trying to be right and win, or are you trying to change the dynamic between you and your partner?” Jamie said. “You need to be able to articulate to your therapist what you want and need from them and therapy itself.”
Couples therapy should be a collaborative space where each individual and the therapist work together toward a shared goal.
To Jamie, this is the essence of holistic care.
“I really want to know everything about the physical, spiritual, and mental health of both partners. From medical issues to any other factors, I want to see the whole person and each factor that’s affecting them,” Jamie said.
“Sometimes, we get so focused on dynamics that we don’t think of the individual, and we have to bring that focus back.”
