People love to whisper about swinging in hushed, judgmental tones. I’m not too proud to admit that I was one of them. How can a couple truly say they love each other if they’re off having sex with random people? Oh, how woefully ignorant this assumption turned out to be. 

Swinging involves love, sex, and connection, just like any other relationship. It has a much more emotional impact than non-swingers realize. 

A couple who swaps sexual partners with another couple on a regular basis are generally considered to be swingers.

As a form of ethical non-monogamy, swinging requires far more planning, dedication, and time than you may expect. Swinging couples must constantly check in with each other about comfort and consent for it to truly work. 

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The Lifestyle Explained

While doing research for this article, I found countless testimonies from people in the swinging community who claim it can be a fun and ethical way for couples to grow as lovers and deepen their emotional bonds. Some people even pointed out that couples must have a strong bond before they start swinging. 

Basic Concepts

“Non-monogamy” is the umbrella term that swinging, open relationships, and polyamory fall under. In an open relationship, a couple agrees to engage in sex or romance outside of their relationship. It’s up to each person how far they take each relationship in terms of sex, love, and bonding. When love is introduced, non-monogamy enters the polyamory zone.

Swingers, meanwhile, typically engage in sex with other couples. For the most part, swingers enjoy physical sex but keep romance within the marriage. 

Swinging Is a Form of Non-monogamy

However, this definition of swinging is by no means definitive. Sex and intimacy are both extremely personal, and we attach our own biases and experiences to them. It’s ultimately up to each individual couple to define and label their relationship as swingers. 

If we can agree on anything, it’s that swinging has been woefully misunderstood for far too long. 

Common Misconceptions

If everything you know about swinging comes from movies, then you’re in for a surprise. Swingers aren’t always odd, sexually voracious middle-aged couples on tropical cruises. 

Anyone you come across could secretly enjoy swinging, from shy young newlyweds to adventurous parents to bold elderly couples. By nature, swinging requires participants to be respectful, open-minded, and even organized. 

  • “Swingers are sex addicts”

“While there may certainly be couples where [one person] is classified as a sex addict, this is not true in the vast majority of swinging couples,” licensed marriage and family therapist Jennifer Reeves wrote for Houston Relationship Therapy services. Swinging is not usually about quickies; it’s about deepening sexual and romantic connections.

  • “People swing because they’re unhappy in their marriage” 

In reality, swinging is about growing closer to your spouse and reaffirming your commitment to each other’s happiness. “The divorce rate among swinging couples is lower than those found in monogamous relationships,” Jennifer says on her website.

  • “Swinging is another form of cheating”

By nature, swingers fully support their mutual desires to have sex with other couples. Each person must consent to non-monogamy for swinging to be sexually and emotionally fulfilling.  

How Swinging Works

Couples who swing follow their own set of rules in addition to a general code of ethics. I’ll explain how it works most typically.

Relationship Dynamics

Remember how consent is the cornerstone of the swinger lifestyle? Well, you can’t have clear consent without straightforward communication and established boundaries. Both are essential if you want to clarify relationship dynamics. 

Some couples may agree to show each other any sexual texts they receive from other swingers. They may also agree to only communicate with swingers at swinging events (parties, cruises, local meet-ups, etc). One person may want to be “dominant” in a swinging situation while the other agrees to be submissive, but the roles may reverse when the couple is alone. 

Consent Is Crucial for Swingers

To be comfortable and safe, everyone involved should know each other’s boundaries at the beginning of the process. A safe word is a good way to enforce boundaries in the heat of the moment. And there should never be a gray area when it comes to consent. 

Terms You Should Know

Here are some swinger-specific slang terms that are useful for navigating the lifestyle.

  1. Ethical non-monogamy: The practice of being open, vocal, and clear with your partner(s) when it comes to consent and boundaries in non-monogamous relationships. 
  2. Vanilla: A “non-swinger”; may also be a reference to a person/couple who prefers traditional sex over more adventurous sexual acts.  
  3. Strawberry: Someone who isn’t fully immersed in the lifestyle but partakes from time to time.
  4. One and done: When two couples only swap sexual partners once. 
  1. Unicorn: Swingers are traditionally couples, but every once in a while you may come across a single female who is active in the swinging lifestyle. This is a relatively rare occurrence, hence their mythical nickname. Single men aren’t always welcome at swinging events in an effort to curb non-consenting behavior. 
  2. The Lifestyle: A discreet way for couples to refer to the swinging lifestyle around other people who may or may not be swingers. “Are you in the lifestyle?” 
  3. Soft swap: When a couple does “everything” except penetrative sex with another person/couple. 
  4. Full swap: When full penetrative sex occurs. 
  5. Black ring: Wearing a black ring on your ring finger indicates your involvement in the swinger lifestyle.
  6. Upside-down pineapple: Often associated with cruises, an image of an upside-down pineapple is a subtle sign to cruisegoers that a couple is looking to swap or swing. 

Finding Swinging Partners

You can decide to swing locally, on vacation, or even internationally. Swinging clubs and parties are non-monogamous social events where couples can dip their toes into the swinging pool without judgment.

Four hands linking wedding rings
The internet is a whole new world for swingers.

Swinging cruises may be the best way for couples to enjoy the lifestyle away from home.

Nowadays, of course, all you have to do is google “swingers near me” to find plenty of potential couples. And yes, social media is a great way to connect with swingers from your area or other parts of the world. 

There are dating apps specifically designed for swingers and other people in the ethical non-monogamy community, from OpenLove 101 to Tinder. 

Challenges and Complications

Swinging isn’t all fun and games. Not only does it require both people to have healthy trust levels, but they need to have organizational skills as well. 

Jealousy and Insecurity

Some people are titillated by the idea of sleeping with someone else, but they forget one crucial element of the swinging lifestyle: Their partner gets intimate with someone else as well. 

A married couple who enjoy swinging opened up to Channel 4 Documentaries about combating jealousy. The wife, who preferred to be anonymous, said she feels proud and turned on when her husband has sex with other women at swinging events. 

Jealousy Comes With the Territory

“However, it’s a very different thing if I were to see him waking up with his arms around another woman. Because then that crosses the line from sex into intimacy,” she explained. For many couples, physical connection is fine, but an emotional connection is off-limits.

Jealousy is only natural. Telling your partner how you feel is the best path out.

Miscommunication or Mismatched Expectations

Swingers events require more discretion and planning than other social events, especially if an event leads into a sex party. Then there’s no guarantee you’ll find a couple you and your partner are attracted to and vice versa. For some, the time and dedication that go into swinging make it more fun on paper than in real life. 

If you want to participate in swinging, make sure your expectations are understood and consented to by your partners. You’ll have the most success in the lifestyle when you’re all on the same page. 

Health Concerns 

Swingers face uncomfortable stigmas on the reg, but the most damaging could be the assumption that all swingers carry sexually transmitted infections. Cate from Wanderlust Swingers told us how the opposite is usually true. “These are consenting adults who are regularly tested,” Cate told us. “They have their health, their immediate partner’s health, and their potential play partner’s health at the forefront.”

Two men kissing woman on the cheek
If you practice ethical non-monogamy, you should be responsible about your sexual health.

Comfort and consent are essential to swingers, so make sure you discuss both with your partners before things get too hot and heavy. If you can’t trust that your partners are practicing safe sex, then you may want to reconsider having unprotected sex with them. 

Personal Stories and Experiences

I found countless perspectives into the wild world of swinging from forums on Reddit, Tumblr, and Quora, and many more on YouTube. Swinging may be shrouded in stigma, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth pursuing. Here are some takeaways from actual swingers.

Allison Moon Highlights Boundaries

Author Allison Moon answered questions about her non-monogamous lifestyle on Tumblr. “I’ve been practicing some form of ethical polyamory,” she explained. Being on the same page with her partners has helped Allison avoid awkward moments and hurt feelings. “As long as [my primary partner] honors my boundaries and respects our relationship and time, it’s really easy to share him with other people.” 

“Jealousy is a sign that there’s something deeper amiss.”

Dealing with jealousy is something Allison continues to work on. “I’ve learned to treat jealousy like a dashboard light indicating I need to check in with myself. Often jealousy is a sign that there’s something deeper amiss.”

She emphasized how her experiences in the non-monogamous community have helped her gain insight into her own emotions, motivations, and desires. 

A Woman Embraces Polyamory

u/Xishou1 on Reddit shared how non-monogamy has changed her perspective on true love. “I was Poly for most of my adult life until I found ‘the one,’ and he changed my life,” she said. “We found we were both still drawn to other people but felt like we were going to lose our minds at the thought of sharing our hearts with anyone else.” 

“Swinging has shown me that commitment is actually a real thing.” 

By compartmentalizing their physical needs from their emotional needs, u/Xishou1 and her husband have made non-monogamy work for them. “Through swinging, [my partner] has shown me that he is truly committed. When that crazy text from a wife comes through privately that every other person would have [panicked about], he instead shows it to me … Swinging has shown me that commitment is actually a real thing.” 

A Married Couple Spices Things Up

If you and your partner communicate clearly and frequently, there’s no reason why love would transfer from one person to another; instead, love multiplies. u/nobodysbestfriend told Reddit, “[My wife and I] were monogamous for 35 years … Prior to physically becoming non monogamous, our communication became off the charts.” He told Reddit how he and his wife “love each other more than we ever have” despite introducing more people into their bedroom. 

“It is difficult to imagine going back.”

Despite having lovers, u/nobodysbestfriend explained that he and his wife aren’t interested in exclusivity with another couple. “Giving up exclusivity with each other has brought us so much pleasure that we would not have experienced otherwise, so it is difficult to imagine going back.”

Despite the Stigma, the Swing Community Is Thriving

Whether you’re drawn to the swinging community by sex, romance, or the promise of connections, you should read up on everything the community has to offer. Resources have never been more readily available, Cate told us. “There’s so much more information now, from books, podcasts, and forums to Facebook groups.” 

Make sure you’re as educated and prepared as possible before stepping foot into a swinging event. After years of monogamy, practicing ethical non-monogamy can be a foreign but thrilling experience. 

And we can’t emphasize enough how important it is to talk to your partner about consent. When you’re both on the same page, there’s no reason why swinging can’t be an exciting and fulfilling new chapter in your relationship.