- A debate is being held about whether dating apps should be deleted by singles.
- I met my husband on Hinge, so I am weighing in as very much pro online dating.
- Instead of abandoning online dating, I recommend users adjust their attitude and strategy to meet the times.
I hear people proclaim all the time that the apps are over, meeting in person is better, Tinder is dead. Well, I’m not so sure about all that.
NPR’s @opentodebateorg event in New York City tonight will see two dating industry giants Tinder and Matchmaker Maria Avgitidis go toe-to-toe over the question: Is It Time to Break Up With Dating Apps?
The cons to online dating are obvious to any of us who have ever been on the frontlines of the swipe list:
- Dating apps are superficial.
- Dating apps treat romance like a game.
- Dating apps are either too full or too empty.
The detractors will tell you that the apps are the absolute worst toxic wingman encouraging users to keep swiping, continue ghosting matches, and stay on this carousel of hope and disappointment forever.
I don’t think online dating is perfect, and the big apps could certainly do better – looking at you, Tinder – but should singles stop using online dating apps for good? Pause any funeral arrangements for online dating while I argue its merits.
I Know It’s Hard, But Dating Apps Do Work
I will gladly admit my own bias in this debate. I met my husband on Hinge. It changed my life. I hope everyone who works at Hinge is thoroughly proud of the work they do. Praise Hinge, etcetera.
While I sympathize with the frustration and definitely know the struggle, I cannot agree with giving up on online dating.
You see, I found my match at a time when I felt like my dating life was circling the drain. It would’ve been so much easier for me to stay home than continue the parade of dud dates during my precious free hours off work.
It would’ve been easy to blame the apps for my bad luck and failure to meet someone. It would’ve been easy to stop. When I see singles today embracing the #boysober and #singlebychoice trends, I understand that impulse. I was there five years ago.
I was so frustrated with dating that I almost canceled on my husband. It was a hot day in August, and I was at a literal and figurative crossroads outside a local coffee shop. This guy I’d only been chatting with for a week was texting that he was running five minutes late, then it was 10 minutes late. I went inside and texted my best friend, “He’d better be charming.”
Spoiler alert: He was. Five years later, we’re happily married and raising a one-year-old son.
I’m not the only success story out there. Plenty of celebrities have met on apps like Raya and Bumble. Former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg met his partner on Hinge.
Want some data to back the anecdotes? Pew Research conducted a survey where 20% of young adults (18-29) in relationships said they are with someone they met via online dating.
Tinder boasts that it leads to 1.5 million dates per week. eharmony has paired 2 million couples in the U.S.
The Knot’s annual survey has consistently found since 2019 that more newly married couples meet through online dating than any other means. And the two runners up are circumstantial – mutual friends and school. Are you supposed to change schools or find new friends in hopes they’ll be better matchmakers? Of course not!
Online dating has worked for many people, myself included, and it can work for you too.
Yes, Online Dating Can Also Suck
I can already hear the naysayers arguing that I met my husband before Covid. Dating is different now! Burnout is rampant! It’s worse than ever!
For sure, swiping fatigue is a real thing. Our own survey data found that 53% of Gen Zers agree dating apps don’t deliver on their promises. As if an algorithm can be held responsible for something as lucky, improbable, and inexplicable as love.
But I get that swiping is tiring. So take a break. Pick up a hobby. Go refill your emotional cup by spending time with friends or doing something you love. Then go back to swiping when you have a good mindset for it.
Challenges are always going to stand in the way of meeting someone and falling in love. The answer isn’t to throw up your hands and take options and opportunities off the table. You have to be resilient.
It isn’t easy. It isn’t supposed to be easy. Relationships are hard work, and no app is going to change that for you.
If the issue is burnout, then I say the solution is trying something new. I changed strategies multiple times over the course of my dating experience (I only made it one week with Operation: Say Yes to All Dates… turns out filtering is necessary). Even if it wasn’t always fun, I kept learning how to improve.
If I wasn’t getting good results, I swiped differently, I messaged more deliberately, and I kept trying with multiple profiles and many, many live chats going.
Of course, I had the privilege of being a young woman playing more defense than offense in my inbox, but I like to think that if I were a guy today I’d have perfected one heck of an opening line.
If online dating really is sucking the soul from your body, go offline for a spell and see if that suits you.
- You can try your luck at speed dating events or singles parties… if you can find any in your area.
- You can shell out money on matchmakers and other dating services… if you have room in the budget.
- You can start chatting up people you see in a bar or at the grocery store… if you’re feeling brave.
But nothing is going to equal the access and efficiency you get from online dating.
Dating apps get rid of the question marks and allow singles to filter for compatibility (the ick notwithstanding). My parents didn’t know they both wanted children until after getting engaged, whereas I knew my husband wanted kids before I decided to message back.
At the end of the day, Tinder remains popular because it really does bring a lot of value to your fingertips. No local bar will have so many strangers so willing to chat and find romance.
Final Thoughts: Love Isn’t For Quitters
Online dating is not a magical cure for loneliness. It doesn’t have a 100% success rate, by any measure. But I’d argue that nothing else comes close to being a good alternative these days.
If you’re thinking about deleting your online dating account, I’d urge you to reconsider. There is no faster, cheaper, or easier way for you to put yourself out there. It does take effort, though.
Success won’t be instantaneous, and you’re going to have to reject people and face rejection yourself along the way. It’s a long and broken road to love. And it is so worth it.
You don’t need to delete the app. You need to update your profile and work on your conversation game. You need to think about your dealbreakers and your strategy. You need to experiment, fail, learn, fail again, and keep going. Yes, it is a game. So learn to play it and win.