Picture this: A world without dating apps. It used to be that if you had a particular interest — a foot fetish, a burning desire to explore impact play, wanting to dress up like a cat, or just having an amazing date with someone you find sexy — you couldn’t just log on to a dating app and swipe to your heart’s content.
Luckily, in 2025, we don’t live in that world anymore. In 2023, over 17% of the U.S. population were using online dating services or apps. That’s almost 60 million users.
Now, since the rise of the seemingly antiquated Tinder in 2012, there are more users than ever and these apps have forever changed the way we wine and dine, fall in love, and of course, have sex. Especially now, with more inclusive and sexually liberating apps like Feeld or Pure readily available for download, the dating landscape has in many ways become more practical, forward and life-changing than ever before.
That’s certainly been the case for me. As a 20-something, polyamorous woman in an open marriage, I can now log onto Feeld and put in exactly what I am looking for. Parties, communication, threeway, friendships, FFM, poly, couples, singles, casual, MMF. The list goes on. No more guessing games, matching with someone to chat for a week only to find out they’re really not into the thing I am into, or being unsure of how forward I can be. Instead, I can simply enjoy the act of dating and sex — simply because I can be direct.
My husband, a 45 year old who’s seen the many iterations of apps, often talks about how much more liberated he feels in his own non-monogamous dating journey. Like most folks swiping through the apps, being able to clearly say what he’s looking for is a way for him to easily weed out people he isn’t interested in — people who aren’t non-monogamous, those who aren’t interested in a sapiosexual connection and those only interested in one-night stands. And it is for me, too. We can both go after what we want, when we want, without fear of judgment.
We aren’t the only ones experiencing it, either. The data speaks for itself: Dating apps have made it easier for users to find partners for casual sex or “hooking up,” plus, it’s helped folks to find the exact scenarios they are looking for. Another study even reported that the use of dating apps was associated with having three or more sexual partners and more hookups. So whether you’re into FFM, anal play, developing a true throuple, joining a polycule or simply looking for the love of your life, apps have more than empowered people across the gender spectrum to go after what they truly want.
Back in the day, if you wanted something, you could simply put out a personal ad. But it was often short, considered extremely taboo and probably cost a pretty penny, too. The free option or low cost of apps makes getting what you want more accessible now, too.
They’ve established new norms in romance by allowing people to address the four pillars of attraction – physical appearance, proximity, similarity and reciprocity — with a variety that wasn’t feasible in the past, according to Michigan State University.
That is, of course, unless you took out personal ads in the paper (or the personals of Craigslist past.) Even then, these were mostly anonymous. Dating apps can be that way, too (which I think is also the beauty of the modern dating age!). Other studies have found that using apps provides a certain level of comfort in the dating game. For example, a reduced pressure of digital communication versus face-to-face interactions and anonymity, which can make it easier for users to express a desire for hookups without a fear of judgment.
Being able to choose if you want your face there or not, showcasing your real name or even appealing to folks who have a kink about anonymity can create a true sense of freedom, sexual or otherwise.
Of course, that’s not to say there isn’t criticism about using dating apps. Studies show that app users are twice as likely to have engaged in unprotected sexual activity compared to non app users (which isn’t recommended), and scrolling endlessly through potential matches has been associated with having a negative body image and leads to being burnt out with the all the options.
Marie Bergström, a sociologist and researcher at the National Institute of Demographic Studies, said that many of the women she interviews say they prefer to use apps for casual sex and relationships to avoid judgment. But in her book “The New Laws of Love: Online Dating and the Privatization of Intimacy,” Bergström asserts that this behavior isn’t a rejection of old ideologies about women and sex, but an adherence to the expectations of female modesty. In her words, dating apps are popular because they provide “discretion rather than sexual assertion.” But, as I see it, dating apps have still provided more empowerment for women (and folk of all genders) than ever before.
Thanks to the number of users scattered across the platforms, dating apps do have a tendency to feel overwhelming for people in search of real love instead of sexual interaction.. Of course, all hope isn’t lost for folks looking for The One, either.
“I did meet my husband on the app and I was upfront about looking for love,” a former Tinder user says. “My husband’s first message was basically ‘do you want to go (activity) tomorrow at (time)’ and I said yes. The next day we went on that date and it went great so we exchanged numbers and started having frequent dates.”
Aside from the very real (sometimes negative) effects dating apps can have, the very thing about them that makes people return again and again is the ability for users to say what you want, look for what you want and not feel pressured to be something you’re not.
“Well I don’t date. Just fuck and vanish,” one dating app user writs, “But at least with apps you can be honest about it instead of pretending to want anything more than sex.”
“In the past I’ve mostly just stumbled into my relationships via people I meet, but I’m just now trying out online dating,” another user writes. “It feels like there are a LOT of things I could say outright on my profile to give disclosure, context, more information, etc. about my exact situation, what kind of relationship dynamic I’m looking for, what polyamory looks like for me…” they continued.
No matter what you feel about dating apps, I can speak for myself when I say that, yes, there is a huge release in being able to describe exactly what it is you want. Chances are, I would never have been able to get where I am on my sexual journey, have the relationship style I do, and embark on my own self-exploration with such ease without using dating apps.
For better or worse, till death do us part, these apps have and will continue to influence how, when and why we date, f*ck, marry, love and explore. And that is truly powerful.
