Bisexuality is a romantic and sexual orientation where a person is attracted to more than one gender. Sometimes, people define their bisexuality as attraction to men and women. Other times, people view their bisexuality as attraction to many genders.
Cis men, cis women, non-binary folks, trans women, trans men — all genders can identify as bisexual, and every bisexual dater is going to have a slightly different perspective on what bisexuality means to them.
But one thing unites all bisexual daters — we don’t want to be stereotyped!
Learning about what bisexuality is and how modern daters experience it will help you navigate the dating scene with savvy and awareness. Whether or not you’re an LGBTQ+ dater, it’s important to understand the identities that shape modern dater’s experiences.
We’re going to explore what bisexuality is, dig into its context in history and today, and gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be bisexual, with the help of stories and experiences from bisexual individuals.
The Basics of Bisexuality
Bisexual advocate Robyn Ochs gives a popular and concise definition of bisexuality:
“The potential to be attracted– romantically and/or sexually– to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
Ochs’ definition of bisexuality is widely regarded as one of the most influential, and many modern bisexual individuals resonate with how it expresses the complexities of the bi identity.
Some people may use bisexuality and pansexuality interchangeably, but we’ll get into the definitional differences. The first part of the word pansexual, “pan,” comes from the Greek prefix for “all.”
People who identify as pansexual feel attraction to people regardless of their gender, whereas someone who identifies as bi is attracted to more than one gender. What’s important to know is that the term you use to self-identify should be the one that feels comfortable to you.
The label of pansexual is not an “evolved” version of bisexuality. Remember, labels are just that — labels. To know how someone experiences or describes their identity in its fullness, we have to get to know them and listen to their stories.
Being bisexual is also distinct from heteroflexibility. Heteroflexibility is a term used to describe people who identify as heterosexual but may have sex with people of the same gender.
There is no “right” or “wrong” way to identify how you’re attracted to the people you’re attracted to.
Historical Context
Like all the other identities that fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, bisexual people have always existed. However, the term “bisexual” is a comparatively new addition to our cultural lexicon.
The term “bisexuality” has had a variety of usages since its first appearance in a medical journal in the 1800s. (Here, it was used to refer to individuals who would now be referred to as intersex.) It wasn’t until the 1970s that we saw “bisexual” begin to take on the meaning it has today.
The gay liberation movements of the ‘60s and ‘70s largely conceptualized same-gender attraction on a spectrum, and while the term bisexual may not have been as widely used as it is today, many figures and voices in the gay liberation movement experienced attraction to many genders.
Bisexual people have faced discrimination, bias, and mischaracterization, similar to other individuals who identify as queer. Bisexuality has faced its fair share of stigma and silence, but as LGBTQ+ advocates and organizations fight for more visibility and equal rights, bisexuality has come to be more widely understood and accepted.
Today, bisexual adults comprise the largest proportion of the LGBTQ+ population, with 57.3% of LGBTQ+ adults saying they identify as bisexual. More and more bisexual individuals are feeling empowered today to be out and proud about their identities.
Common Misconceptions
I identify as bi, so I could cover many of the misconceptions people have about the identity from first-hand experience. One of the most damaging misconceptions bisexual people face is the idea that their identity is “just a phase.”
This misconception of bisexuality as a phase is born from the gender binary. People with this misconception may view bisexual individuals as “lost” somewhere between being gay and being heterosexual.
But we know gender, sex, and attraction don’t live on a simple binary, and that bi people aren’t confused or torn between the two identities.
It’s also important to note that while some people’s sexual orientation doesn’t change throughout their lives, others do experience change, and policing people’s identities can be just as harmful as dismissing them.
Bisexuals may also face the misconception that their identity is driven by their sexual desires. They may be characterized as “wishy-washy,” “slutty,” or “horny,” simply because of their attraction to more than one gender. These are examples of biphobia, or an aversion toward people who identify as bi.
This misconception comes from people placing overdue emphasis on the sexual aspect of bisexual attraction while neglecting the romantic and intimate connections that bisexual individuals form with their partners.
Many LGBTQ+ groups are routinely oversexualized in public perception, and bisexual individuals are no exception.
Bisexuality in the Dating Scene
I’ve dated men, women, and non-binary people, and throughout all my dating experiences, I can tell you one thing for sure. While the gender of your partner is certainly a factor in your relationship, I’ve found there are far more influential factors that will influence how you match– or don’t– with a person.
Every dater is going to have a unique experience navigating the scene. We’re going to cover some of the unique challenges bi people may encounter, along with the importance of confidence, communication, and finding the right online dating platforms.
Dating as a Bisexual Individual
My experience dating improved in many ways after I came out as bisexual. I felt empowered to connect with many different kinds of people and find experiences that aligned with my identity and desires. But it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies.
Once, I told a guy on a first date that I was bisexual. I watched as his face literally dropped and his attitude changed. The rest of the date was awkward, and we lost the conversational momentum we had going before I told him I was bi. I didn’t expect it to be a bombshell, but it was.
This hurt; this guy had been so interested in me, but as soon as he found out I was bi, it was like the attraction had dissipated.
Bisexual daters may face discrimination and bias in the dating scene. Some people may not be interested in dating them just because they’re bisexual. Bi women may also face a distinct set of challenges in the dating scene.
Women are more likely than men to identify as bisexual. They may be fetishized by the people they date, specifically by heterosexual men, because they’re bisexual. I’ll explain this challenge using an example from my own dating experiences.
Instead of a guy being turned off that I was bi, I once dated a guy who was turned on by it. Way too turned on. He was overly interested in the idea of me having sex with another woman. It’s creepy, inappropriate, and a clear example of the fetishization of people who are attracted to more than one gender.
Fetishization erases the romantic and intimate connections bisexual people have with partners of any gender, and it reduces bisexuality to a voyeuristic view of sex. Gross.
Every dater, bisexual, gay, or heterosexual, is going to encounter challenges. What’s most important is that you date with confidence and discernment.
Don’t waste your time with people who don’t accept and respect your identity, and seek dating environments where you’re celebrated, not alienated, for your identity.
Communication is Key
I always include that I’m bisexual on dating apps and don’t shy away from talking about my identity when I’m on dates. It’s important to me that any potential partner is not only supportive and accepting but also understanding of what bisexuality is.
If you don’t feel comfortable being so forthright on your dating profile, that’s OK. Using LGBTQ+ dating apps, especially ones geared toward bi daters, can help ease that discomfort, but you don’t need to disclose your identity to anyone you don’t feel ready to.
Once you do want to tell a date or a partner that you’re bi, lead with authenticity and be prepared for questions. In the modern dating scene, many people have dated someone who identifies as bisexual. During this conversation, you could also encourage your partner to share how they experience attraction.
Being open and genuine from the start will make these conversations easier to have, and can also bring you and your partner closer together.
Finding the Right Platforms
I always tell people that their success in online dating lies largely in the platform they choose. You need to choose a platform that’s not only geared toward your dating goals, but also one that fosters a community you’ll feel comfortable dating within.
Mainstream apps like Hinge and Tinder offer options for bisexual daters. You can choose whether to see the profile of men, women, and/or gender-nonconforming daters, and can change your preference at any time.
The mainstream apps are a good choice if you’re looking for an expansive dating pool and users of many genders. While I know a few long-term couples who met on Tinder, Hinge is definitely more geared toward serious dating, so I would encourage bi daters to start there if they’re looking for a committed partner.
And don’t forget the LGBTQ+ dating apps. Grindr, HER, BiCupid, lex, and SCRUFF are just a few of the places you could start, depending on your gender identity and the kind of relationship(s) you’re looking for.
Grindr is a longtime favorite of gay, bi, trans, and queer men, and its location-based matching makes finding a date or hookup simple. HER is for lesbian, bi, trans, and queer women, and has gained popularity in the last few years with over 15 million users. HER is a great option for bi women looking for long-term relationships.
lex is a dating app for the whole queer community, so bisexual daters should feel right at home on the community/dating combo platform. lex values inclusivity and accessibility, so it’s great for bisexual daters who may be non-binary or gender expansive.
BiCupid is the world’s largest bisexual dating site and is open to men, women, non-binary people, gender-expansive people, and couples– this gives you room to pursue any kind of dating you want.
Now on to what platforms you should avoid. Some platforms have been historically noninclusive of LGBTQ+ daters. Plenty of Fish and Christian Mingle are strict no-gos.
My advice is the same to all kinds of daters, bisexual or otherwise: Go to sites where your identity is celebrated.
In my experience, going with the LGBTQ+ apps is a good move. LGBTQ+ communities have a long and rich history of going online for community building — and dating —since the early ages of the internet, and that legacy continues with modern apps serving modern daters.
Navigating Relationships as a Bisexual Person
Relationships are relationships, no matter who’s in them. That means that a majority of the challenges bi individuals face in relationships are similar to those of their gay, lesbian, or heterosexual counterparts. We’re talking communication, intimacy, commitment, and trust.
This isn’t to say your sexual orientation doesn’t impact a relationship in any way. We’re going to cover the basics of building trust in your relationships, and how to handle biphobia, misconceptions, or unaccepting dates, when and if they arise.
Building Trust
We build trust with our partners through everyday actions and showing up for them consistently, whether that’s on dates, to important events, or being available for a phone call when they’re feeling down. Consistency builds trust.
The deeper the level of trust you have with your partner, the deeper your connection will become. You also build trust with your partner by supporting them through the big stuff. The beginning of a relationship is a time that’s usually filled with intense feelings and new revelations, and it can get emotionally overwhelming.
Be curious and empathetic if your partner opens up to you about something important to them, in the same way you would want your partner to treat you. You should also open up to your partner and be vulnerable with them.
True intimacy is built through vulnerability, and that’s not always an easy action to practice.
Open communication is one of the most important factors for a healthy relationship. If you’re feeling insecure or jealous, be open with your partner about these emotions in a way that doesn’t put blame on them. Remember, insecurity and jealousy are emotions, not truths.
Approach the conversation as an act of transparency and an opportunity for growth. Be honest about what made you upset and propose an avenue for change if the problem is habitual. In a healthy relationship, you and your partner will want to work to do what is best for each other and the relationship.
Addressing Biphobia
Biphobia can appear in relationships in various ways. Often, it can appear when a person comes out. Bisexual individuals may be in a committed heterosexual relationship when they come out as bisexual, and their partners may not be as accepting of their sexuality.
Biphobia can appear as bi-erasure, where someone may refuse to believe bisexuality is a real thing and instead think the person who identifies as bisexual is actually gay, or “just pretending.” Other times, biphobia manifests as straight-up discriminatory language or actions.
Fetishization toward a bisexual person can also be classified as biphobia. Fetishization occurs when a person is reduced to their sexual activities or inclinations, and it happens to people of many sexual orientations and genders. It’s dehumanizing and alienating and often happens to LGBTQ+ individuals.
Avoiding Labels: Bi Dating Isn’t One Thing
I’ve said it several times, and I’ll say it again: bisexuals aren’t a monolith! Bisexual people can be of any gender and have a variety of ways they define their bisexuality. Or, they may prefer not to define at all.
Foregoing labels is a long-standing concept among LGBTQ+ communities, and we need to give each individual the opportunity to decide how to understand and give language to their sexual orientation.
People change, and so can their sexualities, and fluidity ought to be embraced.
A person’s experience of bisexuality is going to depend on many factors —their gender, race, age, religion, and the place they live. These factors often influence how a person thinks of their sexuality and inform how they were received when and if they came out to their family and friends.
Meet people where they are and understand their bisexuality based on what they tell you about it.
On the r/bisexual subreddit, a user shared about their experience being bisexual and provided some insight based on her friend’s experience.
“I’m a Black bi woman. I do find some queer groups end up very… homogenous. But I have found great diverse queer circles and it’s been super affirming. I feel I don’t face nearly as many stigmas as my close Black bi guy friend. He has a lot of comments about him saying he’s gay and not believing bisexuality is a real thing.”
As you date and form relationships with people, keep in mind all the divergent factors that influence how a person develops, views, and shares their sexuality.
LGBTQ+ Community and Support
I’ve got good news for bisexuals everywhere: you’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community! You can find community, friends, and dates within a community that’s tailored to your needs, especially if you want to date people who also identify as LGBTQ+.
Oftentimes, I’ve felt on the border of heterosexual and LGBTQ+ dating as a bisexual person. While most of my experiences have been affirming, I have interacted with women on dating apps who don’t date women who identify as bisexual. We’re talking an immediate ghost, sometimes even a block.
Bi-erasure and biphobia are real things, but regardless of the orientation of the relationship you’re currently in or have historically been in the past, your bisexual identity is valid. Seek LGBTQ+ spaces that welcome bisexual people, and even bisexual-specific groups. They’re out there!
Finding Your Tribe
In my experience, in-person LGBTQ+ groups have been diverse, welcoming, and warm places. Check out your local LGBTQ community center and join a group. Plenty of centers even have groups specifically for bisexual singles.
Many dating apps, like lex, have extensive community features. You can explore LGBTQ+ community-building apps to find people to connect with, whether they live in your area or are seeking digital connections.
Get involved with your local LGBTQ+ advocacy groups, volunteer, and support local causes impacting queer populations in your area.
We all need friends who can relate to our experiences. I treasure my friendships with my bisexual friends because they can relate to and understand my experiences in life without any need for explanation. We can talk, laugh, and cry about all the ups and downs of dating, and give each other useful advice in the process.
Representation Matters
Bi-erasure and biphobia are real, but there are ways we can combat them. Representation is one of the big ones.
Thanks to social media, bi visibility has increased over the last decade, and iconic celebrities like Frank Ocean, Lady Gaga, Cardi B, and Kali Uchis all openly identify as bisexual. (Give Frank Ocean’s open letter on Tumblr a read if you haven’t yet)
The way bisexual characters are portrayed in movies, TV shows, and books matters and all too often, we end up seeing not that many bisexual characters at all. Despite just how many openly bi celebrities I can name, openly bi characters are slower to come to mind. Many characters are hinted at as being bisexual, but their sexuality is never directly addressed.
Rosa Diaz is a popular openly bi character from the TV show Brooklyn 99, and she’s played by Stephanie Beatriz, an openly bisexual actor. She plays a detective and is one of the funniest characters on the show. She’s a great example of the kind of bi visibility we’re hoping to achieve in popular media.
Bisexual Individuals Approach Dating in Different Ways
Dating is a journey, and everyone on the journey is learning about themselves along the way. As you date, I suggest you embrace the diversity within the bisexual community and be open to new experiences.
Give potential and current partners the time and space they need to feel comfortable opening up to you about their sexuality. And once you feel comfortable talking to your dates or partner about your sexuality, be authentic and understanding if they have questions.
I might be biased, but being bisexual rocks. And the way I understand my own bisexuality is this: There are no gender limits on the connections I can make.
