The Scoop: Boston’s Digital Wellness Lab is no stranger to helping parents and kids alike become responsible digital citizens. A few expert-created strategies can help teens stay safe, whether they’re online dating or exploring social media.
When I was a tween, all I really cared about on the internet were chat rooms. From AIM to Omegle, I genuinely thought I was making real connections with real people! It rarely occurred to me that these people could be dangerous.
Obviously, the internet of today is a whole new ballgame. It’s swarming with disturbingly realistic AI images, adult content, catfish, and sneaky scams, not to mention the obvious: Predators who lurk in chat rooms and on social media.
I don’t mean to fearmonger about the internet. Nowadays, most kids, teens, and adults use the internet to make genuine connections, whether romantic or otherwise. Trouble arises when kids and teens explore the internet without truly understanding its power.
We spoke to Brinleigh Murphy-Reuter, a program administrator from Boston Children’s Hospital’s Digital Wellness Lab about the importance of teaching kids and teens about internet safety. The Digital Wellness Lab provides strategies and resources to help families talk about this complicated topic. These conversations may be tough, but they can shape your child into a responsible and informed digital citizen.
Digital Literacy Begins At Home
You can’t control the actions of other people, but you can give your teen the tools they need to navigate the internet, including dating sites and apps, with confidence and safety. “That’s where digital literacy comes in,” Brinleigh told us.
Digital literacy, or the ability to understand and use digital tools safely and effectively, should start young. “We really believe in the value of educating young people from birth through young adulthood,” Brinleigh said. “Today’s young people are growing up with the digital world and the real world being one and the same. We need to realize this, and educate youth as such.”
Brinleigh pointed us to what the Digital Wellness Lab calls the 5 M’s of digital wellness: model, mentor, monitor, mastery, and meaning. As a parent, you must be able to model good online behavior and be a digital mentor for your child. As they work to master their skills, you should both agree on a fair way to monitor their actions online. Perhaps most importantly, you and your child should discuss the meaning behind what they see and do online.
You can incorporate the 5 M’s into your family’s life with the help of Digital Wellness Lab’s media use plans, or guides that clearly show how each family will incorporate digital media into their routines. Do you want to set time limits for your child? What kind of sites can they visit? What happens if they break an agreement? What is the “why” behind their online interests?
Coming up with a plan as a family makes it easier to address everyone’s questions and concerns in a non-judgmental setting. “We find that when youth are involved in the co-creation of online restrictions, they have much better outcomes online,” Brinleigh said. “They’re more likely to be positive digital citizens.”
Importantly, kids who have mastered their online skills are also more likely to speak up if they have a negative experience online. The key is to balance safe boundaries with your teen’s natural impulse to explore.
You can implement DWI’s digital literacy practices at any age, whether your child is 5 or 18 years old. “As children age, you can start to talk about safe relationships, safe online interactions, and safe ways to discern intent,” Brinleigh said.
By “intent,” she means the intention of the person on the other side of your screen. Since you can’t discern someone’s intent by their body language or tone online, you have to figure out what they mean in other ways.
When you ask your child “Why do you think this video exists?”, you’re encouraging your child to ask questions about the content they consume. It’s healthy for kids to think twice about what they’re seeing on the internet; to not take everything they see at face value.
Internet mindfulness is a key skill that separates the digital illiterate from the digital literate.
The Internet Has Upsides and Downsides
The internet isn’t all bad. In fact, some would argue that we’ve never had better access to diverse viewpoints, perspectives, and identities — if you know where to look.
“If you know where to look” is the key; it’s why young children are so often at a disadvantage when they start to explore the World Wide Web. They have no way of knowing what’s real, what’s fake, and who’s telling them the truth.
And we all know how much more complicated things get when you bring romance or sex into the mix.
Brinleigh told us how online dating platforms and apps can be “unsafe places,” and I’m beginning to see why. According to the Pew Research Center, 60% of surveyed women ages 18-34 were repeatedly messaged after turning someone down. Fifty-seven percent received an unsolicited image, 44% were called an offensive name, and 19% were threatened with physical violence.
Brinleigh told us how establishing punishment-free conversations about internet use from an early age is a great way to depressurize topics like cyberbullying, adult content, and predators.
“Reassure your child that they’re not going to be punished for witnessing or being a victim of cyberbullying,” she suggested. Even if your child lied about their online activities, try not to let your anger speak first. “There needs to be … an agreement of a safe space when it comes to harm,” Brinleigh said.
Everyone is entitled to privacy, but secrets can be unsafe in nature, especially if your teen is being secretive about their online activities. “Your teen can have a private life, but hopefully you discourage them from keeping secrets,” Brinleigh said.
It may go without saying, but it could also help if you set up parental controls and security settings with your child. “Even if you feel they’re more digitally capable than you are as a parent, they still might not understand the implications of privacy and security settings,” she said.
When it comes to online dating, it could help if you point out some safety aspects your child may not have considered. Do you want to show your last name? Should you show your friends’ faces in your profile pictures without their consent?
“Parents also need to respect their children’ s digital consent,” she added. Think twice before posting pictures of your children if they’re unable to consent to being on the internet. “If you’re going to expect your child to understand consent, you need to discuss it with them.”
Judgment-Free Communication
“Having positive and optimistic conversations [about online safety] with young people is very important where there’s no shaming or blaming involved,” Brinleigh pointed out. “It’s an open, supportive conversation between a caregiver or parent and their young person.”
Fostering open communication about online safety should start in childhood, Brinleigh told us. “It’s important to have conversations [with your teen] before they are actively online dating,” she said. You should discuss “How to confirm that the person is who they say they are, and a plan to stay safe when meeting in person.”
“Having positive and optimistic conversations [about online safety] with young people is very important where there’s no shaming or blaming involved.”
Brinleigh assured us that these conversations don’t have to be awkward. She highlighted the importance of keeping judgment out of the conversation. Make sure you approach the conversation with a calm, positive attitude. “It’s not saying ‘Do not online date, do not talk to people on the internet.’ None of that is helpful because your child is likely going to do it anyway.”
Brinleigh gave us an example: “‘If and when you choose to meet somebody on the internet, let’s talk about how you might confirm a person is who they say they are.’”
Most importantly, these conversations help your teen think more critically about their online interactions. It’s essential that we can all step away from an interaction and ask ourselves, “Can I believe who I’m talking to? What evidence have they given me to earn my trust?”
If you’re hesitant about talking to your teen about their online interactions, Brinleigh recommended taking a non-confrontational route. “Teens do really well having conversations side by side and not face to face,” she pointed out.
She suggested a simple way to jumpstart a productive conversation about online dating. “I don’t know if you’re planning on using a dating app, but we can talk about ways you can keep yourself safe.”
If you speak to your teen over text more often than you do in person, it’s time to bring the conversation about online safety and digital literacy back into the real world. “There’s an opportunity to be a leader here,” Brinleigh pointed out. “It’s really about bringing your teen on board.”
