The M-Word: A Rabbi’s Insights Into Marriage, Dating, And Long-Term Relationships

As a self-proclaimed Type A personality, I’ve always struggled with the fact that dating is, more times than not, a time suck. 

I know that’s pessimistic, but hear me out. Part of me wants first dates to consist of low-pressure conversations over pasta, but another part of me wants to know by the end of the first (or, at least, third) date that we could have a serious future that fits both of our interests. 

Am I asking for too much? Rabbi Yisroel Bernath — AKA, The Love Rabbi — doesn’t think so. 

Becoming a rabbi was only one of Rabbi Bernath’s callings in life. The other was matchmaking. “I didn’t choose it. It chose me,” he told us. With over 18 years in the Jewish matchmaking world, Rabbi Bernath has the unique perspective of someone who has looked at relationships from every angle: spiritually, emotionally, and societally. 

The Love Rabbi told us all about how the “M” word — marriage — may be waning in popularity, and how we can broach such a sensitive topic within the first few dates. 

With his guidance, couples can shave months off a relationship that never would’ve worked out… or they can recommit themselves to one another, once and for all. 

Bringing Up The M-Word

For many couples, Rabbi Bernath is a physical representation of marriage. “As the officiant, I believe I am the first line of defense,” he told us. In other words, he’s the person couples go to for advice as their relationship progresses — or stalls. 

So naturally, he wants to do right by them. “I want to give couples tools and set them up for a long lasting and healthy relationship.”

One of his more unique tools is the pre-marital questionnaire. “Every couple I marry (takes) this kind of questionnaire, and I do an analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship,” he told us. 

This questionnaire helps couples broach topics that would normally be taboo early in the relationship, such as the possibility of getting married or having children one day. It also helps establish dealbreakers. 

You’d be shocked to learn how many couples date and even get engaged before deciding whether it’s really what they want to do. “So many couples are scared,” Rabbi Bernath explained. “They’re scared of the rejection.” 

Every time this fear wins, couples go another few months without really connecting. Rabbi Bernath shared the cold, honest truth. “And then what happens? (You end up) sitting in front of your officiant having to have a very difficult conversation.” 

Judging by Rabbi Bernath’s marital questionnaire, it’s clear one of the biggest hurdles traditionally minded people face today is the M-word — marriage and the conversation surrounding it. 

Rabbi Bernath helps people shave months off their dating timelines by encouraging them to broach serious topics like marriage and children early on in the relationship. 

“A lot of people call it the big “M” word,” he joked. “They don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to do it.” 

“We have this bias against serious and long-term relationships, and we don’t even realize it,” he told us. According to Rabbi Bernath, the “great challenge” is choosing the right moment to broach the M-word with your date. 

The ‘Date to Death’ Scenario

Here’s a familiar scenario: You’ve been on five dates with a nice guy. He’s pleasant enough, but by the end of the fifth date, you realize that you know just as much about him as you did at the end of the first date. You’ve just been on five dates with someone, and they’re practically still a stranger.

How can you envision a future with someone you don’t know? 

“The ‘five first dates’… means they’re doing the same thing over and over again five times,” Rabbi Bernath explained. 

It’s important to ask yourself, “Are we growing closer together with every date? Are we emotionally intertwined?” 

One obvious sign you’re emotionally progressing is if you develop real feelings for your date. You may even start to miss them when they’re not around.

Rabbi Bernath warns clients not to “date to death” — as in, dating without progression until you and your partner run out of steam.

“(It’s when) the relationship wants you to take it to the next step, and no one’s done that,” he explained. “Or, there’s nothing left, (yet) you decide to get engaged. That’s also not a good idea, because you’ve just gone way too far.” 

You don’t have to end up walking down the aisle if you don’t want to. This is why Rabbi Bernath encourages his clients to be bold with their wants and needs early in their relationships.“ It’s okay to say you’re looking for a serious relationship,” he reminded us. 

As wonderful and thrilling as dating can be, we all know the universal downside: The heartbreak of an otherwise happy couple who part ways due to ideological differences that could have been confronted months, even years earlier. 

This is why it’s so important to pluck up your courage and make your needs known early on, especially if those needs have to do with marriage and children. 

In doing so, you’ll probably end up turning away from (or being rejected by) perfectly nice people. This isn’t the easiest task, but as Rabbi Bernath said, it may be best for both of you if you “turn them away before you end up in a situation where you’re in a relationship for three months and you find out they’re not interested (in marriage, kids, etc).” 

His Advice For Successful Long-Term Relationships 

It’s a delicate tightrope walk, which is why it helps to have someone like Rabbi Bernath on the other end of the rope, guiding you along. 

With Rabbi Bernath’s years of experience as a Rabbi and matchmaker behind him, he’s noticed two specific elements that help relationships thrive. One of these elements shouldn’t come as a surprise, what with Rabbi Bernath’s belief in couples being open and honest about their needs. 

“Relationships need vulnerability,” he told us. “You can’t expect to have a real relationship with someone if you do not expose a part of yourself emotionally.” 

Exposure in any form is hardly ever comfortable. It forces us to show our fears and insecurities so someone else can get a better look at us — and there’s no guarantee they’ll like what they see. 

Being explored is difficult, but incredibly rewarding, especially when the one you love accepts you for you, good and bad. But it’s equally important to be an explorer yourself. This brings us to Rabbi Bernath’s second point: That curiosity is just as vital to a relationship as vulnerability. 

“Relationships need curiosity,” Rabbi Bernath emphasized. “You want to be interested. You want to know more. There needs to be a constant curiosity,” he explained. 

This is especially true when you consider how much we change as people as time goes on. So many people fear marriage because they don’t want to face a relationship growing stagnant, but Rabbi Bernath said that this fear is unfounded. “You always have something to talk about if you’re curious,” he said. 

Rabbi Bernath has heard how people are “not the marrying types” these days. For many of these people, their reluctance to marry could come from a childhood spent watching divorced parents duke it out in court. When you don’t grow up with positive role models, you may not believe they even exist. 

“If you don’t have a role model, you can find a role model,” he suggested. “If you don’t know what a good relationship looks like, then you don’t know the power and the value of that long-term love and commitment.” 

It may even be difficult for you to believe long-term love exists at all. This is why Rabbi Bernath has dedicated himself to helping couples who want to find their forever partner. 

“I still want to have hope for long-term relationships,” Rabbi Bernath told us. With over 250 engagements (and counting!) to his name, hope is clearly called for. “I can tell you from personal experience there is nothing as beautiful or as satisfying as a long-term relationship. I wish for everyone to have that.”