Key Takeaways

A few years ago, I wrote in a Refinery29 article: “She was 32 and looked just like every other woman who had ruined my life. I know this because when my friend Olivia joined us outside of a vibrant bar on Metropolitan Ave., she leaned into me, giggling, as my date was in line for the bathroom and said,”

“‘She looks like every woman that has ever ruined your life.’”

Yes, in 2021, this woman was my type. Androgynous, sexy, an air of confidence about her. A suit-wearing, masculine cologne type. The very thing I’d always said was my go-to in women, looks-wise.

In the end, after a tumultuous year of dating, she was also the type who wasn’t best for me. I admit, I should have listened to Olivia at that moment, but I suppose we all have to find out things for ourselves. 

Most people have a type. In one survey, 64% of U.S. adult respondents reported having a specific type they’re attracted to. And even more (58%) folks admitted to rejecting someone solely because they didn’t fit that specific type.

If “Love Island” has taught us anything over the years, it is that most people still think fitting into someone’s type is what can make or break a relationship. I can hear the “He’s exactly my type on paper” from here.

Over the past few years, as a dater, I’ve learned better than to just stick to my type. After all, I think great matches don’t just come from someone being 6’4” or having brown, curly hair.

But in the dating industry, many apps — which are now using AI to match users directly with their type — are hinging on the idea that matches can truly come from their paper-perfect type alone.

But as a dating industry expert, is the AI you’re using matching folks with their type or “their worst type?” (AKA every other person who has ruined their life.) In my opinion, it can often be for the worse — but it doesn’t have to be.

What Are the Apps Doing, Anyway?

As a pro in the dating industry, you probably know about the type-based preferences that dating platforms are now building into their user experience.

Think Tinder’s height preference testing, Hinge’s AI usage, a Myers-Briggs match tools like So Syncd. For all of these systems, users can find their type based on what they specifically include in their settings, their past swipes and likes.

The idea, though, is that the more app users swipe on something, the more the AI gives it to them, even if it’s sabotaging their dating life because it’s simply repeating the archetype of what they’ve always gone for. Or, in plain terms, it’s repeating the relationship types that have failed in the past.

Let’s face it, if a man is 6’2”, it doesn’t mean he’s suddenly going to be the communicator you need, or that the woman with the dark hair and blue eyes is going to fit directly in with you and your future.

So maybe, instead, folks in the dating world should use AI to find commonalities vs. superficial things in other important areas of life.

The Psychological Problem with “Types”

It’s OK to have a type! Lots of people do. But there is an inherent problem with building systems based on types alone.

For example, when dating apps focus on repeatedly pushing the same “type,” it could easily perpetuate anxious or avoidant attachment dynamics. Another thing is that familiarity doesn’t always equal compatibility. Maybe users need something outside of the box so they can find what they want in their romantic lives.

In an article for The Guardian, dating coach and relationship expert Logan Ury said that, “People often chase familiar emotional patterns, even if they’re toxic. Dating outside of ‘type’ can help break that cycle.”

Sure, AI is smart at learning a user’s behavior, but it definitely doesn’t know if that behavior is healthy or self-defeating. And as we know, us humans are usually not quick to change our course (especially in the love life department.) So why not use AI, but less for finding “your type” and more for discovering actual quality matches? 

Let’s not forget that the AI type match likely disproportionately impacts marginalized daters — those who are curvier, older, perhaps have a different shade of skin — and may even incite fatphobia, racism and, of course, ageism.

On the AI paper, folks who fall into any of these categories may just miss the mark and not be seen at all.

And that’s not what we’re going for, is it?

After all, as responsible, ethical dating industry experts, I’d say it’s quite literally your job to help make your dating space as healthy, safe, and of course, as fun as possible.

Unlike “Love Island” producers, who serve up what some may refer to as “good TV” (i.e., dopamine), dating should be something that actually provides a good service that goes beyond the serotonin boost. 

All Is Not Lost, Though

I don’t think using AI as a tool for matchmaking is bad. In fact, if it’s used in other ways, I think it could really help daters find what they’re looking for.

What if, instead of matching a user with their type, AI could offer an interruption in their type? It could show users their own dating history or patterns and offer a match that breaks it. Or maybe it could be used as a way of diversifying their match’s looks.

More importantly, it could be useful to match folks based on their emotional compatibility. What a wonderful thing it would be if, instead of focusing on someone’s height or body type, we could be matched based on communication styles, values, or attachment types.

As someone who actively uses dating apps, I think that teams really do have the power to influence how users date and fall in love, not just who they see or who checks all of their type boxes. And it can be even better if apps use AI in the right ways.

Your Type May Be the Problem

At a certain point in my own dating journey, I had to face it: My type was the problem. In the end, just because you’re drawn to someone doesn’t mean they’re right for you. 

Maybe other folks will catch on to that, too. After all, according to Forbes Health, 38% of people become more open to dating someone outside their physical “type.” So instead of matching them with their paper type, use AI to match them with well‑suited, emotionally compatible partners.

Give users a new “type,” instead.