60% of LGBTQ+ Respondents Stay in Contact With Exes, Taimi Survey Finds

There’s a common stereotype in queer culture that exes always stay friends. Only 32% of 1,404 LGBTQ+ respondents to a recent Taimi survey think this stereotype is true, but 60% said they actually remain in some form of contact with more than one of their exes.

This suggests that the stereotype may actually have a kernel of truth after all, and that staying connected isn’t necessarily the glaring red flag some of us think it is.

Why exactly does this matter? Because staying in contact with an ex is often treated as ‘red flag behavior.’

Angelika Koch, a relationship and dating expert at Taimi, told me that staying in contact with an ex is often labeled “red flag behavior” because it “normally indicates trouble letting go of the relationship after it ends.”

Being friends with an ex can make things more confusing for everyone involved, especially if there aren’t firmly established boundaries in place. But Taimi’s survey suggests that staying in contact with an ex is common enough that contact alone may not tell us whether the relationship is unhealthy.

With more than half of Taimi’s survey respondents reporting some form of contact with their exes, maybe the real question isn’t whether they’re still in contact, but what that contact looks like and when it crosses a line.

What Healthy Contact With an Ex Looks Like

“In touch” means something different to every person. It’s up to dating coaches to help clients figure out what exactly their boundaries around keeping in touch are.

“Healthy contact with an ex involves amicable communication about things that are necessary,” Koch told me, naming things that would mainly apply to divorced couples, like child-rearing decisions and joint assets.

Koch said there must be “boundaries set in place, like no opening up about personal feelings and experiences.”

She said boundaries are essential, including “no opening up about personal feelings and experiences, no saying things like ‘I miss you,’ [and] no talking to an ex about the intimate details of their current relationship.” 

There’s this idea that being friends with your ex is always a recipe for disaster. Cue up literally any rom-com to see just how “hilariously disastrous” Hollywood thinks this can be. Sometimes, these naysayers, some of whom are dating professionals like Koch, are right.

“I often see people hang onto their ex as either a backup or as someone they still long for, but are trying to move forward with their life,” Koch said. In this case, it’s in a client’s best interest for their matchmaker or dating coach to point out the behavior.

In the LGBTQ+ Community, “Ex” Culture Looks Different 

When someone still talks to an ex, itcan immediately raise questions. But those reactions are often rooted in heteronormative ideas of what being an ‘ex’ means. In smaller or more interconnected dating pools, such as the LGBTQ+ community, “just don’t talk to your ex” may be a less realistic piece of dating advice.

After all, the smaller the community, the more compelled you might be to keep the peace with people you’ll almost certainly cross paths with again, even if it means keeping your ex’s number in your phone. 

Koch made it clear that teaching clients how to establish and respect boundaries is especially important when they share a friend group with an ex.

“This can look like inviting people from that group out for dinner or hosting them at their place,” she explained. “Doing this allows them to have their own social circle within that circle, free from their ex.”

What to Ask Before Calling an Ex a Red Flag

“Are you still in touch with your ex?” is not the most important question you can ask about their former relationships because it doesn’t reveal whether this contact is actually a red flag. More in-depth questions can reveal which emotions, if any, are really at play.

Far more enlightening questions would be: Is your ex still in your social circle? Do you simply swap memes on Instagram, or do you have in-depth conversations? Does your current partner know you’re still in some kind of contact with your ex?

These questions are much more valuable than “Do you still text your ex?” because they can reveal whether the exes still share some kind of emotional connection and whether that connection skews romantic or platonic.

“Ask for the reason behind the communication and how long it has been since the relationship ended,” Koch advised. “If someone just broke up with their ex and now they are friends, without having any ties to them, that’s problematic.”

The older the breakup, the better, Koch said.

“If they broke up with this person a decade ago and decided to become friends years later … I wouldn’t worry too much because so much time has passed.”

Before deciding whether that contact is a problem, it helps to understand the nature of the relationship, then everyone communicates so they are on the same page about being in contact.

When Is Ex Contact Actually a Problem?

For many of us, contacting an ex is a yellow flag. We just don’t know how to feel about it, especially if the contact is limited to likes on social media. The real distinction may be between casual contact and emotionally loaded contact.

“If they speak to this person all day through text, that’s a red flag. If it’s on the rare occasion, I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” Koch told me. 

The most useful questions a dating coach can ask their client are: Why are you and your ex, or your partner and their ex, still talking? How often? What do you talk about? And how does that relationship affect the client’s current or future partners?

The depth of the contact can reveal much more about the nature of the relationship and whether it constitutes a red flag.

If your partner texts their ex “Happy birthday” once a year, it’s probably not a red flag. But if your partner gets a promotion at work and texts their ex about it before they text you, that’s generally a much more obvious red flag.

Sharing good news is an intimate act, because it gives someone access to a sensitive part of yourself: your goals, your dreams, your wants and needs. The best dating pros will see this as a warning sign. Why doesn’t this person’s partner want to share the news with them first?

Taimi respondents explained that one reason for reaching out to their exes was simple: They genuinely cared about the person. But “care” is such a general word, making it all the more important to understand the full context surrounding a client’s contact with their ex. 

You have to know whether the relationship with the ex is fueled by leftover romance, friendship, or simply a desire to keep the peace. And even then, you can’t call it out as a red flag until you know what the other person's boundaries are. 

Are There Any Green Flags About Contacting an Ex?

You could argue that people who keep in touch with their exes — I said “keep in touch,” not text on the daily — tend to be laid-back, drama-free, and open-minded. Maybe they just aren’t into holding grudges; maybe they’re emotionally mature enough to admit when they’re wrong. Either way, these qualities are almost always green flags. 

Sometimes, people stay in touch with their ex because their breakup was genuinely amicable. Sometimes, we realize we’re better off as friends than lovers. Sometimes, we just don’t want to cut someone out of our lives completely, because the relationship itself was never that deep to begin with. 

Not every relationship ends with cruel words and slammed doors and thinly-veiled Instagram tirades about how “love is dead.” 

Recognize these green flags just as much as potential red flags. 

Taimi noticed an important pattern: trans respondents were most likely to say that they’ve turned a relationship into a platonic friendship. This says a lot about the value the trans community puts on things like safe spaces and trusted, close-knit groups. 

The takeaway isn't that exes are harmless or that continued contact should never raise concerns. It's that contact itself probably shouldn't be the red flag. What’s more revealing is what this contact actually looks and feels like — and whether the past relationship is preventing the client from showing up fully for the next one.