A Sexologist Explained How ‘Radical Intimacy’ Can Lead To Better Sex 

Author and sexologist Zoë Kors described how her path to sexual fulfillment was far from straightforward. “I never know where to start when I’m talking about my own path because it’s been sort of long and winding,” she told us. 

And whose isn’t? Outside influences can make our sexual and emotional identities grow at different speeds and in opposite directions. Zoë’s personal experience with a decade-long sexless marriage changed the way she thought about sex and intimacy forever. “It set me on this lifelong path of trying to understand what happens with sexuality [over time],” she told us. 

Why do so many of us lack the ability to feel and express intimacy?

The way Zoë described intimacy reminded me of the fairytale “The Princess and the Pea.” When you can’t express intimacy in a healthy way, it’s like sleeping on a pesky pea, no matter how many mattresses you layer on top. You didn’t realize how comfortable you were until that comfort was taken away. When a relationship lacks intimacy, its absence is palpable. 

And yet, so many of us willingly sleep on top of that pea. I’m one of millions of people who undoubtedly feel intimidated by intimacy. I can laugh in the face of danger, but I can’t always look my closest loved ones in the eye.

Zoë’s book, “Radical Intimacy,” explains how you must embrace the discomfort intimacy causes. After all, you can’t enjoy a more fulfilling sex and love life until you reprogram the way you think, feel, and express intimacy. 

Intimacy Is Essential to a Fulfilling Relationship 

Radical intimacy is Zoë’s preferred path to deeper connections, stronger emotional bonding, and better sex. It’s the belief that sex between committed people is only as good as the couple’s emotional connection. The problems can often be attributed to an outside source.

“One of the biggest obstacles to intimacy is the cultural mindset of immediacy,” Zoë told us. 

“As a culture, we are not particularly adept at allowing things to unfold and deepen at their own natural pace.” 

You may not realize it, but you’re entrenched in the modern technological world. It’s almost impossible not to be; most of us make social, professional, and even romantic connections online every day. Zoë knows that battling technology would be a useless crusade. But this doesn’t mean she shouldn’t remind people of how much more potent intimacy is when it’s experienced in real life. 

My own desire for instant gratification has undoubtedly changed the way I feel and express desire in a romantic relationship. If my significant other doesn’t automatically make his feelings for me clear, then I tend to cut him loose. I’m not as patient as I could be, and I don’t always wait for intimacy to grow organically. 

It’s one thing if the chemistry just isn’t there; it’s another if you don’t stick around long enough to find out if your chemistry could be hiding behind nerves or insecurities. 

“Let something grow and steep and get more complex and more compelling,” she suggested. Many of us are unable to “sit in the unknown,” as Zoë put it. “Sitting in the emptiness and allowing things to unfold is a big part of intimacy,” she said. 

Nothing proves your dedication to your partner more than making yourself uncomfortable for them. I don’t mean this in a literal way — obviously, you shouldn’t be in actual pain — but in the sense that discomfort is a sign that you’re leaving your comfort zone behind. 

When you probe your own emotions and motivations, you open yourself up to intimacy. 

Modern Obstacles to Intimacy 

Let’s be real; the early stages of dating can be awkward, and intimacy doesn’t come naturally in awkward moments. “From a practical standpoint, what you want to do is create a safe space for the person you’re dating, to open up and to self-reflect and to get into a deeper, more vulnerable space together,” Zoë advised. 

Creating a safe space begins with you. The more comfortable you are having intimate conversations, the more comfortable your partner will be, too. 

Whether your date is casual or serious, ask them thoughtful questions, Zoë recommended. Keep an eye on your date’s demeanor when you ask questions. If they stiffen up, you must have touched upon a sore subject. This gives you insight into their behaviors and emotional intelligence. 

“You can immediately see [if they have] a victim mentality, or if they’re speaking terribly about their exes, or if they’re full of blame or anger … Those are things you start to see when you get into a deeper level,” Zoë explained. 

Of course, it’s like they always say: You can’t truly know someone until you know yourself.

And as Zoë put it, “We have to know ourselves to share ourselves. That’s the basis of intimacy.” 

As Zoë previously mentioned, it’s hard to really get to know yourself when you’ve grown accustomed to instant gratification. “Pornography is our de facto sex education,” she said. When we’re curious about something sexual, so many of us turn to the internet for answers instead of to our own bodies. 

The superficial “education” people get from porn gives them the wrong idea about what it means to be intimate. So much is lost in the fast-paced, phony world of porn: the beauty of silence, the sexiness of light touch, and the connection associated with eye contact. 

“I spend a lot of time deprogramming and reeducating [my clients],” she explained. She implements body-focused exercises into her coaching and reeducation process. 

So many of the obstacles people commonly experience in bed — racing thoughts, low self-confidence, feelings of doubt and shame — are attributed to a disconnect between the mind and the body. 

“One of the biggest obstacles to intimacy during sex is being in your head,” Zoë said. “Tantra works to get you out of your head and into your body so you can be present in the moment and you can feel what’s happening to you.”

Intimacy-Building Tantra Exercises

If you and your partner are struggling to connect on an emotional level, Zoë has some simple tantric practices that could help. She recommends “slowing way down, lots of breathing together, and synchronizing your breath.” 

It takes concentration to breathe slowly and steadily, and you have to constantly check in with your partner’s breath to accommodate their speed. But when you both make the effort to breathe quietly together, intimacy grows in the silence. 

Eye contact is another way to generate intimacy. It sounds like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many people can’t even look their own spouse in the eye. “People are often very nervous about eye contact while having sex, but it’s a big piece of tantra,” Zoë said.

She recommends a daily exercise called “Daily 30/30”: “It’s 30 seconds of uninterrupted eye contact followed by a 30 second immersive hug,” she explained. Eye contact, for all of its initial awkwardness, can eventually be healing. It helps to “regulate our nervous systems”, Zoë said, because it promotes relaxation and trust — in other words, intimacy. 

“The way to make a hug immersive is to focus on your five senses,” she explained. Take note of how your partner’s shirt feels, how your cheek feels against their neck, and how it feels to be wrapped up in someone’s arms. “Or the smell,” Zoë pointed out. “The hair, the shampoo, the laundry detergent. Just your partner’s natural scent that draws you into full sensual awareness.” 

It’s also important that couples can differentiate between sexual touch and intimate touch. No, they’re not the same thing! If your partner associates every touch with your desire for sex, they may start to feel pressured every time you touch them. 

“There needs to be non-sexual touch as well,” Zoë told us. Nothing garners intimacy quite like a back rub, running your hands through your partner’s hair, or simply cuddling, all with no sexual strings attached. 

Non-sexual touch can be just as fulfilling as sexual touch because of how it connects to people on an emotional level. This is why Zoë has incorporated tantra into her work as a sexologist. “I often lean into my tantra training and tantra practice when I’m working with a couple who come to me because they’re longing for a more intimate, a more connected experience of sex,” she told us. 

When you and your partner experience authentic emotional intimacy, you achieve a more fulfilling sex life and relationship.