The Scoop: At the Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling, marriage and family therapist Elena Kolomytseva helps couples differentiate between high standards and unrealistic expectations. She gave us insight into communicating our values, committing despite disagreements, and creating safe spaces for relationships to grow.
I’ll be the first person to admit that I’m all talk.
“You have to stick to your guns!”
“If he can’t understand your boundaries, then he has to go!”
And if it’s way too late at night and cocktails have been had, there’s a teeny-tiny chance I may have offered to move my friend out of her boyfriend’s apartment because he accidentally shrunk her favorite sweater in the wash.
“If he can’t respect cashmere, what else doesn’t he respect?!”
But when I’m in an argument with my significant other, I lose my words.
There are so many “what ifs” running through my mind: What if they don’t understand? What if they refuse to listen? What if I do or say something that makes everything worse?
If I know one thing for sure, it’s that not communicating doesn’t help. Elena Kolomytseva, a marriage and family therapist at the Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling, is determined to help people like me find their words.
Elena told us how our relationships “influence us as individuals and as human beings.” With her guidance, we can become more articulate, more understanding, and more receptive individuals.
When You Speak, But Are Misunderstood
Romantic relationships can be the center of real strife between a disconnected couple. Elena has seen it all at Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling, and she told us that the crux of many a relationship blowup is a lack of communication.
After all, communicating clearly and effectively isn’t easy, especially when emotions are involved.
When you live alongside someone long enough, you’re going to encounter stressful moments together. Elena told us how these complicated moments may challenge even the strongest of couples.
“It’s hard for most couples to talk about finances, sex, in-laws, and parenting,” Elena told us. All three are just facts of married life. These are hot-button issues because everyone approaches them differently. “[Couples] might have different perspectives, different experiences, and ideas about those areas,” she explained.
And when people do choose to communicate, they usually do it in their own unique way, which doesn’t always translate well to others.
In fact, it’s possible for couples to be on the same page about an issue and not even know it because they didn’t communicate well. “They might be saying the same thing, but in different ways,” Elena told us.
Elena suggested that a fear of labels could be stopping us from communicating effectively. “It’s hard to communicate and understand,” she told us. “As people, we try to avoid labels, but they can be important sometimes.”
The solution to this sounds simple — ask your partner how they feel about your relationship status, bing bang boom, mystery solved — but actually putting the straightforward question (“What are we?”) into words may be daunting.
Some people use dating apps as a short cut to communication, which doesn’t exactly strengthen their communication skills. With fewer communication skills comes a failure to commit. You can’t settle down with someone you can barely talk to, right?
“Dating apps and dating websites have created the illusion that we have so many choices,” Elena told us. Seeing all those bright, shining faces on Hinge and Tinder is exhilarating, but the reality is that only a few of them are going to be truly interested in a long-term relationship.
The trend is to hop from profile to profile, crafting flirty sentences here and there, and doing your best to appear cool and calm. The problem with this strategy is that no one knows who you really are or what you’re looking for.
Couples Will Always Disagree
If you don’t know someone intimately, you’re automatically less connected — and committed — to them.
“It might be difficult for someone to commit because we would [ask ourselves], ‘What if there is someone better out there?’” Elena explained. We’ve all thought about it, especially in those awkward online dating situations.
This, she said, creates a maddening cycle of lackluster communication and too few commitments.
“People just abandon one relationship and pursue something else, and so they go from one person to another person,” Elena said. “They don’t have the opportunity to explore their likes and dislikes, or to gain valuable experience in effective communication.” If you don’t stop to get to know someone, how can you ever find someone to commit to?
“It’s easier for a lot of people these days to just give up trying to figure out what’s going on than to solve the problem,” Elena told us. It’s definitely tempting to hop from person to person, that way you don’t have to risk heartbreak when an obstacle inevitably arises.
The “illusion of choice” perpetuated by dating apps make it seem like there’s always another guy or gal out there, waiting to fall in love with you. If this one person doesn’t work out, who cares? Somewhere out there is your perfect soulmate, someone who will be perfect right from the beginning and stay perfect until you both wither away together.
But Elena let us in on a not-so-little secret: “This might be the case, but I highly doubt it.”
The “perfect” person does not exist. (Anyone who has used Tinder at 4 in the morning could probably tell you the same thing). “In reality, no matter who you choose, you will have to work,” Elena pointed out.
This doesn’t mean your relationship should be all work, but expect to put in effort for your partner’s sake (and vice versa).
“With some people, [a relationship] will be harder. With other people, it will be easier. But there’s still going to be work, because you’re still two different people with different backgrounds, and two different upbringings,” Elena explained.
As it turns out, “work” doesn’t have to be a dirty word.
When you work on a relationship, it means you and your partner are committing to each other. You both want your relationship to be as fulfilling as possible. It means you both sacrifice from time to time, and that you “adjust to each other,” as Elena phrased it.
Even couples who are 100% compatible on paper will butt heads from time to time. But how can you keep high standards while remembering that nobody’s perfect?
What Are You Really Looking For in a Partner?
I’m always worried that I’m allowing bad behavior to slide because I’m trying to be diplomatic. Elena recommended establishing clear standards so you can easily differentiate between imperfection and bad behavior.
Ask yourself what you’re really looking for in a partner. “I’m looking for a man in finance, trust fund, blue eyes,” Elena posited. You’re entitled to your standards, no matter how shallow they are, but Elena pointed out that eye color probably isn’t the most important standard to uphold. Focus on core values.
“It’s not about lowering your standards. It’s about better understanding your standards, your needs, and your values,” she explained.
Neither you nor your partner will meet the other’s standards every single time, which is why Elena reminded us about compromise. “Again, don’t lower standards, but compromise,” she reiterated.
There’s a difference between excusing bad behavior and compromising on something that’s important to your partner.
Some people have trouble voicing their standards to their partner. What if your partner rejects them? What if they judge you for your standards? Elena knows how important it is to feel comfortable and safe when you discuss your values with your partner.
“I open up, and my partner shuts me down, so I’m just not going to open up anymore because it will hurt. It’s a cycle,” Elena explained. This is why she’s worked so hard to establish a safe space for couples to vent their feelings. You should create a safe space at home, too.
Elena described a “safe space” as a place where a couple listens to each other and validates each other’s feelings. Judgment and defensiveness have no business being in a safe space. “That’s how I work with clients,” Elena said. “It’s important to let them know that I hear them. I value their perspectives.”
A “safe space” is somewhere communication can happen freely between a couple. “Communication is not just about talking,” Elena pointed out. “Communication involves not only speaking clearly but also listening effectively.” If one of these falls through the cracks, communication will break down. You can’t keep a relationship alive if you can’t effectively communicate.
Of course, relationship recovery is possible, especially if you visit one of the therapists at Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling. With the help of therapists like Elena, you and your partner can learn to understand each other better in a safe, productive environment.
