The Scoop: Conversations about money go better when couples enter them with curiosity and understanding. Financial planner and therapist Ed Coambs talked about all things love and money, from first date etiquette to combining finances.
When you work at a restaurant, disagreements with coworkers can occur frequently. The most contentious one I ever witnessed, food and drink matters aside, was on the appropriateness of a question a coworker was asked on a first date.
“How much do you make?”
When my coworker brought up the first-date question at the beginning of the shift, she only told a few other front-of-house staff. By the end of the night, every person on the clock had an opinion on the matter.
A host insisted it was strictly inappropriate and speculated the date only asked her because of her job title.
A cook said, due to context, it was totally fine. They were talking about work, and my coworker had expressed she made “pretty good money.”
Another cook chimed in, “If you talk about money at all on the first date, it’s ending right then and there.” (Take my word for it; I wouldn’t take relationship advice from that guy.)
Money isn’t a comfortable topic for most people. Many of us have experienced a situation around money with close friends or family that became volatile, upsetting, or embarrassing.
Conversations about money can be challenging, but in relationships, they’re crucial.
Ed Coambs is a Certified Financial Planner, therapist, and founder of Healthy Love and Money.
Ed discussed why financial conversations are necessary from the start, his tips for navigating finances as a couple, and why empathy and curiosity need to take center stage in money matters.
“When we are dating and forming relationships, we really don’t know the other person’s money background and money story,” Ed said. “Everyone has rules for how money should be used, and it’s about exploring them.”
Tackling Money Talks from the Start
Healthy Love and Money was born out of Ed’s diverse professional background. In his own words: “I’m a firefighter turned financial planner turned marriage and family financial therapist.”
Ed is an expert in helping couples develop financial intimacy. He said that financial conversations early in the dating process are important– and beneficial– for relationships and couples.
“It might feel unromantic, but I would say these conversations should happen as early as possible,” Ed said. “I realize that maybe it’s not a first date conversation, but it’s important to think about the financial aspect.”
While money may feel touchy on a first date, in many ways, it’s unavoidable. If you’re doing something that costs money, there’s always the question of who pays.
“If you want to be financially conscious and thoughtful as you’re dating, you can think about who pays for the date,” Ed said. “What does it feel like? Does it feel awkward? And if it does, what do we do about that?”
Mindfulness around money is key. Avoiding it is impossible, and Ed said the best thing daters can do is be conscious and observant of how money works for them, their partner, and the relationship.
Let’s say you’re going on a first date. “One person wants to go out to a fancy steak dinner, and the other person is thinking more like a picnic in the park,” Ed said. “We’re already seeing some differences in financial expectations.”
Mindfulness is especially important in the early stages because it can help couples learn each other’s money stories. Everyone has a personal experience with money, and they bring that background to the table in relationships.
Just like past relationships and childhood experiences, every person has a unique outlook on and experience with money that they bring to the table in their relationships. Each person also has a history of talking about money.
If someone grew up in an environment where money was an off-limits topic, they will communicate differently than someone who grew up frequently talking about money. The key is communicating your story and listening to your partner when they do the same.
“If you’re more money-minded, you might be comfortable enough to make your expectations clear from the soonest appropriate moment,” Ed said. “Say, ‘Just to clear expectations, I was thinking I could pay for this first date, and then we can talk out things going forward.’”
Financial Trust = Relational Trust
Relationship milestones require financial conversations. Moving in together, getting engaged, planning a wedding, starting a family– all these things call for serious and honest conversations about finances.
Many couples have concerns about combining finances. Some couples keep everything separate, some fully combine, while others choose a hybrid method. Ed said it’s about finding what works best for you.
“There’s not necessarily one right way for couples to combine their financial lives,” Ed told us. “I think that would be the starting expectation. There is no magical unicorn. There is no one right way for all couples.”
Ed said that for any financial structure to work, there has to be financial trust, and financial trust begins with relational trust.
Most of us understand and experience money as an abstract concept. It’s more than cash or a number in a bank account—it’s an entity on its own and works through complicated systems.
Money profoundly influences our work, home lives, relationships– everything. It’s entrenched in our governments, economic systems, and social structures.
“One way to look at it is that money represents power, control, and influence,” Ed said. “It’s not the only way, but it’s one.”
When you enter these conversations, be aware that you’re dealing with something that’s not only meaningful but also sensitive to each person in a different way.
Some people may have negative, hurtful, or abusive experiences with money, and others may carry shame or embarrassment about their financial situation or background.
“We have a constellation of experiences that lead us towards a stronger propensity towards saving or spending,” Ed said. “It needs to be a journey of trying to explore together what works, and what’s balanced, and a system that meets both party’s needs without being too extreme on either end.”
Ed said building trust with finances and conversations about finances begins with a foundation of emotional intimacy. Conversations about finances require openness, honesty, and transparency, which can be challenging when talking about any topic.
“For any structure of financial combining to work, there has to be a level or relational trust that’s developed outside, or within, finances,” Ed said. Finances are an area where couples have the opportunity to demonstrate empathy and care for one another while tackling issues as a team.
“Embrace Curiosity About Incongruities”
Conversations about finances should be fueled by curiosity. Instead of entering sensitive money conversations with judgment, couples should practice understanding.
When Ed met the woman who today is his wife, he was a professional firefighter, and she was finishing dental school. “When I learned that she was going to be making four to five times more than me, there was both excitement and then kind of a shock,” he said.
Ed said his feelings were complicated. “In some ways, it created a lot of freedom and flexibility because there was enough money for us,” he said. “But it also meant that I had to wrestle with this concept that as a husband, I have to be the financial provider.”
Cultural messaging influences us, and this is especially the case for messaging about money. Gender roles and money are deeply tied, and money problems in relationships can be impacted by gender expectations.
“It left me disoriented,” Ed said. “On another level, my values said it’s OK for women to make more money than men. It was a true value, but not all of my psychology had caught up with it yet.”
The value-behavior disconnect is a common financial habit. “When we talk about these income and power differentials that show up, I think it’s so important for both partners to embrace empathy and curiosity for each other’s experience,” Ed said.
He continued, “It’s also so important to accept and acknowledge that there might be incongruencies between what you say your values are and what you actually see showing up psychologically for you. Our values don’t always line up with our actions.”
When you talk about finances with your partner, not everything will make sense right away. However, you can learn how to communicate more effectively and lovingly about money with your partner, even when you disagree and the topic feels fraught.
“Money represents freedom and safety, too,” Ed said. “It can represent anything that humans can dream up, from the positive side of the human experience to the more adverse and challenging side of being. Money can take on pretty much any meaning that humans have.”
