The Scoop: At Inland Empire Couples Counseling, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Rebecca Williams helps people come to terms with the things they have trouble accepting about their partners. You may think communication issues are at the root of every problem, but an inability to accept your partner’s faults could be the real culprit.

“You’re not listening to me!”

“You don’t understand what I’m saying!” 

You’ve probably said (or yelled) these sentences at one point during an argument with your partner. They make it seem like the primary issue between you and your significant other is communication, or a lack thereof. But Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Rebecca Williams, told us what the real problem is. 

“People don’t want communication. They need to work on accepting that what they really want is actually connection,” she told us. 

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Therapists help clients work individually or as couples to overcome common relationship problems.

A couple’s actual problem could very well be an inability to accept that disagreements — and loss of connection — are inevitable. Some strong, happy couples may never fully agree with each other on every issue. 

The real challenge is to accept the fact that disconnection is going to happen from time to time. 

At Inland Empire Couples Counseling, Rebecca guides couples through disconnections, disagreements, and the acceptance process. And in our interview, she told us all about how we can finally welcome difficult conversations, embrace change, and accept our partners for who they are. 

Why Communication Isn’t Always The Real Problem 

When I’m having an argument with someone, I automatically assume that I’m not communicating my point of view clearly enough. Surely this is the only explanation for why they aren’t agreeing with me, right?

We often treat “bad communication skills” as a catchall explanation for relationship problems, but Rebecca told us that communication issues aren’t always the problem. 

Inland Empire Couples Counseling Rebecca Williams
Rebecca Williams is a Family and Marriage therapist who teaches acceptance.

“Most people communicate just fine,” she told us. “The real problem is that [people] don’t like what you’re communicating to them.” 

Arguing about what to have for dinner is one thing. But when you and your partner disagree about a fundamental issue, such as child care or finances, resolving the problem gets a lot trickier. 

Acceptance could very well be the key to resolving disagreements. “Sometimes, [we have to] adjust our expectations for relationships,” Rebecca explained. “[Partners] can still be really happy even if they don’t see things the same way.” 

People can disagree and still have a happy, healthy relationship? What a radical idea! 

“Our culture gives us this romanticized view that the partner is going to complete everything in you,” Rebecca said. I’m instantly reminded of the “you complete me” scene from the film “Jerry Maguire.” That scene always used to make me tear up. The romance! The drama! But according to Rebecca, “completing” someone isn’t the sign of a successful serious relationship at all. 

The belief that “basically becoming the same person” is the path to happiness is false, Rebecca told us. And when she puts it like that, I can’t help but agree. Think about how boring it would be to marry someone with your exact tastes and opinions. 

Inland Empire Couples Counseling two hands on knee
You and your partner will inevitably endure change as your relationship evolves.

Thankfully, Rebecca made it clear that two people can live happily ever after despite having different personalities and beliefs. “You can still be very happy. Just adjust your expectations. You don’t even have to lower your expectations, just change them,” she clarified. 

There it is again: the lesson that accepting change is the secret to a happy relationship. To accept change, you have to start with an open mind. 

As Rebecca said, you have to be “willing to either allow [a difference of opinion], or be willing to shift the way you do something for your partner’s sake because you see that it matters to them.” 

Compromise is a form of acceptance. It’s both people accepting that their opinions matter and deserve to be heard.

Change Doesn’t Have To Cause A Disconnect

Are you experiencing a true disconnect in your relationship, or are you simply in a new phase? 

“When we get together with a new partner, there’s all this new relationship energy, and we’re very excited about them,” Rebecca explained. “And then after a couple of years, it’s normal for that newness to wear off. Some of the disconnects that happen in relationships are normal phases relationships go through.”

Inland Empire Couples Counseling two women leaning on each other and smiling on coach
Couples often run into problems because they have different expectations for each other.

When your instinct is to cut and run at the first sign of trouble, staying put may feel like the ultimate discomfort. But the truth is, you and your S.O. will butt heads from time to time, but not because you’re fundamentally incompatible; it’s because you’re two different people.

“I think disconnection often comes when people have different sets of expectations for what the relationship should be,” Rebecca explained. 

It’s OK to have certain expectations, but flexibility is what keeps relationships alive. 

Experiencing a few disconnects doesn’t mean the passion is gone, or that the relationship is unhealthy. The key is to be along for the ride — to be an active participant in your own relationship. 

Inland Empire Couples Counseling a male and female couple laughing and cuddling together
You have a choice: Invest in your relationship, or cut your losses?

“We need to look at how you continue to invest in each other and how you adapt to this new phase,” Rebecca said. In other words, you and your partner have to put in the effort to keep your romance strong and exciting. 

Of course, some disconnects are much harder to repair. What feels comfortable to one person may feel uncomfortable for another. “It’s not that one is right or wrong, but that there’s a mismatch in what they expect or what they want from a relationship,” Rebecca told us. 

I’d argue that most relationship problems are solvable, even if the ultimate solution is, occasionally, to break up. But Rebecca told us about another cause of disconnection: lingering problems going unaddressed. “Or maybe the couple doesn’t know how to repair after they’ve had some kind of conflict,” she added. 

Accepting there’s a problem in your relationship is incredibly difficult. But it’s like a splinter: If you don’t accept that it’s there and take it out, it will only hurt more over time. 

Acceptance Leads To Deeper Connections

You should respect the way your partner processes emotion. Yes, this is easier said than done. But you’d want them to do the same for you, right?

“Loving your partner means you should give them the space they need to process reality,” Rebecca explained. Just because you want to immediately talk things out after an argument doesn’t mean your partner wants to. Maybe he needs to take a walk and clear his head before returning to the conversation. 

Inland Empire Couples Counseling couple wearing sweaters sitting on bench near lake
Differences can make your relationship stronger if you learn to embrace them.

“You have to trust that he’s in the middle of his own process and working on his feelings. You must trust that he’s going to come back and that you’ll be able to talk about what happened,” she said. 

Again, you have to accept that your significant other may not want the same things you want. They may not think the way you think, emote the way you emote, or believe in the same things you believe in. “Maybe you are just different on that issue, and that’s okay,” Rebecca said. 

Inland Empire Couples Counseling older couple holding hands
Take a close look at your own behavior and decide if you could improve in any way.

And yes, you may feel tempted to try to “change” your partner so they want/think/feel the same way you do, but Rebecca advised against this. “I am always encouraging people to hold the mirror up to themselves and have it be less about how you need your partner to change and more about what you are willing to do,” she explained. 

After all, you can only control yourself in the long run. 

“Maybe I would love my partner to stop their part of [the disagreement], but I can also look at how I contribute to the disagreement. Am I willing to change the way I participate in this argument?” Rebecca suggested. 

If you’re willing to compromise, chances are, your partner will be, too.

In this writer’s opinion, acceptance is one of the most difficult skills to master in a relationship. I’ve found it difficult to shed the romanticized idea that “the one” will never disagree with me (thanks for nothing, Hollywood!) Fortunately, Rebecca and the other therapists at Inland Empire Couples Counseling make seeking help as easy as a click of the mouse. 

Inland Empire Couples Counseling young couple looking out at mountains from behind
At one of IECC’s retreats, couples can accept their differences and learn to compromise.

“We do online therapy for people in California,” she told us. “We also do couples therapy retreats in our office that we’ve had really great results from.”

At a retreat, people leave the outside world behind to work with a therapist for two days. “We’ve had really tremendous results with people who have had that experience with us, because you can get more than a month’s worth of therapy done in one weekend.” 

As it turns out, “compromise” and “acceptance” may be the ultimate secrets to a happy relationship.