Key Takeaways

For every guy who carries around a well-worn copy of “A Little Life” in his genuine Strand Book Store tote, there are 10 more who carry the book for show. They want to be “the deep, emotional guy who reads deep and emotional books.” They want women to look at them and think, “He’s not like other guys.” 

These “performative males,” as the internet has dubbed them, are not just pretending to be someone they’re not. Their ruse suggests that they are increasingly likely to resort to shallow, even manipulative tactics to appear more appealing — or even more trustworthy — to women. 

A survey of 2,000 millennials and Gen Zers commissioned by Babbel and conducted by Talker Research found that a not insignificant 16% have picked up “attraction hobbies” solely for the purpose of appearing more attractive, not because they’re actually passionate about the activity. 

Twenty-two percent of men are culprits of this, which is double the rate of surveyed women, according to the study. Depending on attraction hobbies may be a simpler way for some men of conveying emotional depth without actually having to plumb those depths. 

Dating coach Evan Marc Katz told DatingNews that the rise of attraction hobbies does not only expose a generation of insecure men (and some women). It also sheds light on the platforms that make it easy for people to exaggerate or even lie about their interests solely to get more matches. 

The Unintended Consequence of Interest-Driven Matching

Katz told us that the existence of attraction hobbies is, in a way, “adaptive”: “It makes a certain amount of sense on a shallow medium like a dating app where there’s very little information,” he said. 

Apps like Hinge and OkCupid have tried to make the profile creation process as dynamic and detailed as possible, giving users many chances to stand out in meaningful ways, whether that’s through their photos, their prompt/questionnaire responses, voice clips, or even humorous polls. 

But dating apps can’t deny that they were all built upon the same user need: quick connections. Dating apps can — and perhaps should — try to add depth to the profile creation process, but users will still respond the most to the profile that best catches their eye — in this case, with an “attractive” hobby. 

And truth be told, it’s possible that seeing “passionate about college football” could endear someone enough to get them to swipe right. Shared interests are a natural “place to start a conversation,” as Katz put it. But what happens when that initial quick connection is based on a lie? 

A platform is bound to end up with some unhappy campers when this happens. But the solution isn’t what you might expect. 

“It’s not great advice to just say, ‘be yourself,’” Katz admitted. This is because so many of us struggle to define ourselves, or as Katz put it, we don’t always “have a core of who [we] are.” 

Of the 22% of men who depend on attraction hobbies to get dates, just how many could benefit from a little soul-searching? 

Deeper Self-Reflection Can Deter Attraction Hobbies

Responding to profile prompts with “I don’t know” may be honest, but it’s probably not the best way to get matches. This is why so many people end up stretching the truth about their passions on dating apps. 

It’s a short-term solution to a deep-seated issue, Katz told us: “When you’re bending over backwards to try to appeal to other people, that’s not healthy in the long run and it’s going to have a short half-life,” he said. Performing in a relationship is not only exhausting, but pointless — you’re building a connection out of toothpicks, not wood. 

“Taking up a hobby to appeal to someone is just another example of not really having boundaries,” Katz explained. 

From an industry perspective, platforms have to strike a balance between facilitating quick connections and deep connections — they have to find a way to help users describe themselves as compellingly and as authentically as possible. It’s all about balance. 

Platforms that actually help users plumb the depths of their dating needs and personal interests could best deter users who depend on attraction hobbies. 

In a perfect world, platforms would be able to facilitate deep, authentic connections within minutes. And some apps, like Hinge, Bumble, and OkCupid, have detailed-enough profile creation processes to make strong matches within a quicker time frame.

But overall, daters who want long-term relationships should expect a more in-depth matchmaking process. 

The Kicker? Attraction Hobbies Don’t Always Work 

Katz’s advice to daters and platforms alike? Don’t attach all of your hopes for a relationship onto a shared interest. Not only could the interest be fake, but even if it isn’t, one shared hobby does not mean a couple is compatible. 

He emphasized that the definition of compatibility is not “having a whole bunch of things in common to talk about.” In fact, in a surprise to probably no one, attraction hobbies are not always reliable chick magnets, according to Talker Research. 

Of the 62% of people who used exercise as an attraction hobby, only 54% think fitness is actually an “attractive” hobby in the long run, meaning their “I work out, isn’t that hot?” strategy was less effective than expected. 

And just 36% of the 55% of people who took up gaming found it to be successful as an attraction hobby overall. 

“The ultimate thing that’s going to determine whether you’re long-term compatible is listening to your own feelings,” Katz said. “How does this person treat you? How do you feel when you’re with them? How do you feel when you’re not with them?” 

It’s not always easy for us to ask ourselves these questions — but platforms can. Platforms can maintain continuity with users beyond the match by asking these questions, strengthening engagement through the matchmaking journey and into the early stages of the relationship.