You know the saying, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Well, that is called a rebound. And not only do rom-coms promote the idea, but so do your friends when you’ve hit a hard breakup, or you can’t seem to forget about your toxic ex. And, hey, even dating apps may be promoting the infamous rebound.
Of course, the question for many daters (and the dating industry itself) is: Are rebounds healing or just a terrible, socially acceptable behavior that does nothing but reward emotionally unavailable people? Or, , if they’re done in the right way and on the right app, can rebounds shift to be healthy?
I have to admit, I don’t think the practice of the rebound is wrong. In my humble opinion, there’s nothing wrong with the rebound itself, but rather how we tend to go about them on dating apps. But what if there were an app on which folks could be clear about their rebound and everything was laid out in the beginning?
“So toxic men can just wait for the vulnerable single women to come TO them,” my editor emailed me back when I pitched her on this idea, “like fish in a barrel?!”
Not everyone agrees with the rebound, which I totally get. But I still hold firm that the issue isn’t rebounds themselves, it’s how and where they happen. They can certainly be done in a much better way. Here’s how:
What Is a Rebound — And Why Do We Do Them?
“A rebound relationship is when you bounce quickly from one relationship into another,” Dr. Ruth Schwartz, founder of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, tells Dating News. “If you’re on a rebounder, or as I like to call it, a mini trampoline.”
Rebounds aren’t new; they happen all the time. Why? Well, because we’re human. Rebounds aren’t about wanting to blatantly hurt people, either. More often than not, they’re a way of soothing an attachment withdrawal, helping a dater in their self-esteem when they need a boost the most, and even a way to prove that someone has still “got it” when they might not feel it on the inside.
This is why I don’t think rebounds are inherently reckless or, as some would call them, toxic and evil. In reality, they’re just a response to a heavy, emotionally charged moment. And sure, they may often go bad. But they don’t have to.
The Case Against Rebounds
As I said, I totally get why some folks are truly against the rebound.
“Many of us have no idea what to do with the pain of a breakup,” Schwartz says, “so we try to get over it by getting under someone else.”
It can be said that a rebound is just emotional avoidance so someone doesn’t have to deal with the hard, often painful and unexpected healing process. Or dealing with the work of seeing that a dater, might in fact, have patterns in their dating life they need to break.
According to Schwartz, a new relationship isn’t something that will help any dater work through the pain, or the unlearning of the old. That takes actual inner reflection, and yes, the process of dealing.
Plus, rebounding can only add things to a rebounder’s plate. Rebounds can not only be unhealthy for the other party, but the rebounder themselves.
“It’s like the rebounder has to tend to multiple compound fractures instead of just one,” Schwartz goes on to say. “After two or three or more breakups in a row, they’ll be so scarred they might swear off relationships altogether.”
Unless, of course, the rebound is done in a healthy (that means affirming for all!) way.
So… Should You Download an App Right After a Breakup?
Enter the dating app.
Maybe a person has literally just ended their six-month-long situationship. Or even more serious — they’ve ended a marriage. And then, they decide to download a dating app of their choice. It’s not uncommon! As a non-monogamous dater, I was recently dating someone who was freshly in the divorce process. But the thing is, I knew about their divorce from the very beginning.
“It’s OK to swipe just to remind yourself that your person was not the only person in the world,” Schwartz reminds us daters and industry professionals. “If you’re really in the thick of attachment pain though, swiping can actually make you feel worse.”
In my mind, though, swiping can do one of two things: expand your world and help you learn what you need moving forward, or intensify your grief, like it did for me post-WLW breakup. But that won’t be everyone’s experience. I don’t think daters can truly know until they’re in it.
Either way, I think one thing remains true across all fronts: The type of app a rebounder uses — and how they use it — matters more than whether you rebound at all.
The Pro-Rebound Argument
“I understand the urge to bounce…” Schwartz says. “But it never worked, not even once.”
While I get her perspective, I don’t agree myself. Rebounds can be healthy! But only if and when they are done intentionally, with transparency, in low-pressure situations, and of course, aligned with both dater’s emotional capacity.
I think that rebounding isn’t really about finding your next partner, but instead, reentering into connection safely, in a space that offers fluidity.
The Role of Dating Apps: Where It Goes Wrong
Remember how my editor was worried about toxic men waiting in an app for vulnerable single women to come to them? I think it’s dead right with how apps, and rebounds, currently intertwine.
Right now, there’s no arguing against the fact that most dating apps are built for fast escalation, romantic expectation, and the illusion of emotional availability. The keyword being illusion. It’s why emotional availability is actually the most sought after characteristic in the dating world.
All of this, unsurprisingly, creates that exact “fish in a barrel” dynamic: vulnerable users, opportunistic matches (HELLO toxic daters!) and mismatched intentions.
What the “Right” Rebound App Looks Like
But, as I’ve been saying, if apps looked a little different, the “right” rebound app could exist.
That means a dating app — maybe one that already exists or an entirely new one — can add these features that normalizes saying I “just got out of something,” encourages sharing intention disclosure upfront, de-emphasizes long-term compatibility pressure (so no one gets hurts!) and supports low-stakes interactions.
I know, I know. You might be thinking, ‘Well don’t all dating apps prioritize casual?’ But in my opinion, rebounding isn’t just casual, it’s about both parties being very intentional upfront. Which isn’t happening most of the time, let’s be honest.
The right app for rebounding would prioritize the ethical rebound. As an ethically non-monogamous dater, ethical is the magic word for me.
“Have a convo up front and explain that you’re still in the grieving process,” Schwartz says. “Knowing that you’re hung up on someone else, will work as an aphrodisiac for some people.”
Remember: Rebounds aren’t unethical; unclear expectations are.
Reframing the Rebound
So no, a rebound isn’t a replacement or a shortcut to healing. But it is a transitonal period that can be beautiful, messy, fulfilling, and even support healing in the long run. They don’t have to always end in one, or both parties, crying on the bathroom floor.
But if dating apps want to support them, they need to stop pretending every swipe is a forever match and help daters say what they actually need or want.
