At some point, most adults — single or in relationships — will decide to sext someone. Maybe you’ve been away from your partner on a vacation. Perhaps your relationship is long-distance. Perhaps you’ve been talking to someone awesome online, but you haven’t gotten the chance to meet yet.
While you and your partner are apart, you may decide a fun way to share some intimacy is to sext.
Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages, images, or videos through digital platforms.
Sexting takes different forms for different people. You may be familiar with sending nudes, but phone and video chat sex can be part of sexting, too.
I’ll walk you through what you should consider when deciding whether sexting is for you. It can be fun, and it can be done pretty safely. But it’s important to know if you feel good about it.
The Rise of Sexting in the Digital Age
For as long as we’ve had ways to communicate with each other, we’ve shared our desires with our partners. Check out James Joyce’s spicy love letters from 1909 if you don’t believe me.
But the introduction of phones and, later, the internet increased the speed and explicitness of our sexual communication to make it a major part of modern romance.
Historical Context
Though certainly not the first instance of phone sex, the practice was thrust into the limelight in 1993 when a transcript of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles having phone sex was published in the press.
As cell phones became more common throughout the 1990s and early 2000s, both phone sex and the sharing of nudes became more common. Though not as easy to send or high quality as images are today, phone cameras made sending nudes far simpler.
In the 2010s, social media became a new place to share nudes, primarily over semi-private messaging apps such as Snapchat. They also became a place to find potential partners and people to message online, potentially sexually.
The biggest recent change to sexting has been the increased quality and prevalence of video calling. While people were certainly having video sex over Skype in the early 2010s, with FaceTime and Whatsapp, it’s easier than ever.
Technology’s Role
Sexting expands to meet whatever new technology is available. The more instantaneous technology becomes and the more private it is, the more likely that more people will use it for sexting.
The introduction of smartphones meant that more people had a private way to send images and quickly deliverable messages back and forth. Many messaging apps — such as Whatsapp — focus on the high security level of their software, as well as the ease of sending back-and-forth images. This makes it an obvious option for sexting.
Of course, the social media and messaging app Snapchat became the default place to sext because of its disappearing messages. While there are still ways to save messages on Snapchat with or without the sender’s knowledge, they theoretically disappear 10 seconds after opening.
Demographics
While 88% of American adults have sexted at some point in their lives, it’s more common with some groups than others. Millennials are the most likely age group to sext, with 37% engaging in sexting. Having grown up knowing the dangers of the internet and having more casual relationships in young adulthood, Gen Z may be more cautious.
More concerningly, however, one in four teenagers admits to having sent a sexually explicit image. We’ll get more into the dangers of this below, but suffice it to say this number is too high.
It’s unclear the exact breakdown of those who send sexts, but 39% of people in relationships have sexted with their partners. Some sexting certainly takes place in casual relationships and hookups, but much of it comes from those in committed relationships.
Most people trust their spouses not to share their nudes; the same may not always be said for a random Tinder match.
The Psychology of Sexting
For some, sexting can be an avenue for exploring sexual fantasies and desires in a safe and private space. Especially in a serious couple, sex can become routine. You may primarily communicate silently, moving through the same few scenarios and positions you do most nights.
Sexting requires communication and the building of fantasy. You may send images, yes, but you’re probably also talking about what you want and what you imagine. Additionally, the added element of sending these messages as you go through your day can be erotic.
And for those sexting outside a couple, it can be thrilling. It may feel daring to put yourself out there with someone new or to see a new part of their body. Sexting is exciting, and it makes sense that it adds something unique to the dating experience.
Easy Access to Intimacy
Unless you live with your partner, it takes some work to go have sex. If you’re single, you have to find someone new online or at a club. Even if you’re in a relationship but live apart, it takes some coordination to see each other.
You can sext from the comfort of your house, and you can do so without the emotional work of building a relationship or connecting with someone deeply. While you may find yourself texting about your life and emotions outside of sex, sexting can be just about the physical connection if you want it to be.
When I was single, I found flirting to be the most fun part of the dating experience. I loved the excitement of trying to figure out if feelings were mutual, whether chatting at a party or texting back and forth. Texting is an easy, constantly available way to flirt with someone. It may lead to sexting, but sometimes the coy, flirty messages are even more fun.
Perceptions & Social Norms
Sexting is becoming more socially acceptable — 96% of adults support sexting. But still, many older and more socially conservative adults see it as a sign of promiscuity.
But for some, sexting can be an empowering way to feel comfortable in their bodies and feel vulnerable with another person. It can push them to vocalize their desires instead of just going through the motions of sex.
For many people — especially women — who struggle to own their sexuality, sexting pushes them to challenge the sexual norms they fall into.
Self-Esteem & Body Image
Many people find sexting to have a positive influence on their self-esteem. It can be intoxicating to feel so explicitly desired, and sending nudes can feel like a confirmation of the attractiveness of your body.
But it can also make people — especially young people — feel like all they have to offer is their bodies. And if they receive pressure to sext or send explicit images, they may feel like they’re unattractive without doing so.
Gender Dynamics
While sexting absolutely affects all gender identities and sexualities, men and women tend to engage with it differently.
In an NIH study of teens and young adults, girls and women were more likely to send sexually explicit images, and boys and young men were more likely to receive them. But crucially, young women were more likely to feel pressure to sext and fear that they would lose a relationship if they didn’t do it.
As women get older, the likelihood that they’ll have a positive relationship with sexting increases. It can become something they choose to do because they want to, as opposed to a way to satisfy a callous male partner.
Sexting as a Modern Dating Tool
Sexting fits into many modern dating rituals. While it’s by no means mandatory, it naturally works with long-distance relationships, which have become much more common, as well as relationships that start and sometimes continue online.
Relationship Dynamics
Sexting can increase your intimacy with your partner when you’re apart. Much of the time, there’s a masturbatory component to sexting; this is a part of sexuality that many people, especially women, feel uncomfortable talking about. You’re sharing something very vulnerable with them — your body and sexual desires — and that can bring you closer together.
At the same time, when sexting is too central a part of your relationship, it can make you feel objectified. Even casual sex usually comes with some pillow talk afterward; it can be easy for sexting to be entirely focused on the sexual.
Risks & Boundaries in Dating
When sex is involved, consent, communication, and clear boundaries are always essential. However, sexting opens up new risks that need to be approached individually.
Both parties need to affirm that there will be no unwanted sharing of images or content. And most importantly, you need to trust that if the relationship turns south, your partner will never use sexts against you. Animosity can change how a person treats you, but their values must stand up to the pain of a breakup.
Casual vs. Serious Relationships
In committed relationships, sexting is often a tool to maintain intimacy despite distance or busy schedules and to spice up sex lives. Because both parties trust each other (ideally), the main concern about sexting — the privacy of the shared images or explicit content — isn’t front of mind.
Casual relationships require more of a leap of faith. Sexting can be fun here, too, but they don’t have the same basis of trust that you get in a committed relationship. Proceed cautiously.
Ethical & Legal Considerations
Ethics and the law around sexting are changing rapidly now. It’s important to stay up to date so that you sext in a way that is emotionally and legally safe for all involved.
Consent Always Comes First
When I was a teenager, one of my boyfriends tried to pressure me into sending nudes. He would say things like, “I bet you’re the only girl in the school who doesn’t send them.”
I was so scared of having them shared without my consent that I didn’t fold. Still, this type of pressure made me feel awful, and it’s unfortunately very common. Make sure that anyone you sext with is doing so because they want to, not because they fear you’ll leave.
Sharing someone’s nudes without their consent is a serious violation. Never do it in any capacity.
Criminality
Sexting has the potential for legal consequences, such as charges of harassment, distribution of explicit content, or blackmail.
This area of the law is new, and different places have different protections. In many places, minors can be charged for child pornography for sending images of themselves, so be careful.
The Dangers of Sexting
While you may trust the person you’re sexting, you can’t always trust who they are after a breakup. Revenge porn can be a huge danger of sexting, even following once trusting relationships.
Women and queer men also frequently have to deal with receiving unsolicited nudes. According to the Kinsey Institute, 91% of women and queer men who reported having ever received a nude image also received unsolicited images.
The Future of Sexting
Sexting is here to stay — what that means will certainly change over time. I have some predictions about where sexual communication will go for future generations.
Technological Innovations
Advancements like virtual reality, AI, and encrypted messaging will shape the future of sexting, likely making it both more realistic and more secure. At some point, sexting may seem even better than physical sex.
Changing Attitudes & Stigma
Sexting is absolutely becoming more normalized. But at the same time, it’s less common among Gen Zers than millennials. Whether that’s a sign of growing social conservatism or increased internet safety remains to be seen.
In the future, it seems unlikely that sexting will be out of vogue for moral reasons. Instead, it may wane in popularity due to concerns about privacy.
Recommendations for Safe Sexting
While sexting always has some risks, you can minimize them by clearly communicating what you’re comfortable sharing and the way that you’re comfortable sharing it.
Apps with end-to-end encryption and expiring messages are a safer way to sext.
Try to use messaging platforms with higher levels of encryption, or when possible, sext over audio instead of images. These are harder to record and link back to you should the relationship go awry.
Nothing Wrong with Consensual Sexting
Many people — even those who are otherwise sexually active — have complicated feelings about sexting. Sexting requires a lot of trust and clear consent, some of which is separate from physical sex. This can make it tricky to navigate the digital landscape.
At the same time, sexting has undeniably become a part of modern relationships. Some people expect it as a baseline part of dating, and that can make for some tricky conversations and decisions.
Consensual, enthusiastic sexting can be a really fun way to increase intimacy or explore desires. No one needs to get hurt.
