“The Talk” Doesn’t Have to Be Awkward. Here’s a Sex Counselor’s Tips for Healthy, Age-Appropriate Conversations

Like so many others, sex was a taboo topic in my home growing up. Dad wouldn’t touch that conversation with a 10-foot pole, and Mom shot dagger stares if anything remotely related came up.

If this sounds like your childhood, I’m here to tell you you’re not alone. But let me also take a wild guess and say that you probably don’t want your own kids to grow up the same way.

And yet, it’s easy to see why parents have dreaded the talk for generations.

Ask anyone with a tween or teen and they’ll probably tell you they know it has to be done — they just don’t know when or how to start the conversation. It’s a good point: How do you approach something that you both know is happening, but no one actually wants to talk about?

Well, there’s no perfect time, and there’s no perfect approach. But there are ways you can start the conversation that won’t scare anyone away into the depths of their bedrooms. 

(Maybe.)

And it’s definitely worth the effort. Studies show that when parents are open about talking to their teens about sex, they’re less likely to engage in risky behaviors, like not using protection or even rushing in too early. 

Otherwise, it’s like the forbidden fruit: because it’s shrouded in mystery, it’s suddenly something enticing.

Julia Bowman, a couples and sex counselor at ReSpark Therapy, believes talking about sex has a positive, two-fold outcome: “First, teens understand consent. But also, they know it’s about their own timing — not giving in to peer pressure or coercion.”

Yes, it’s awkward. It can be a little embarrassing, too. And you may not have all the answers. But simply laying the groundwork for dialogue helps create a space where sex isn’t seen as dirty or wrong, but is instead a normal part of life.

Starting the Conversation

One of the most common questions family therapists get is: When should I talk to my kid about sex?

Julia says it all starts before the words even come into play. The first step is desensitizing kids to the concept of their bodies. It’s a great way to casually introduce the concept of anatomy to younger children, even as young as grade school. 

“I think one of the interesting trends I’m seeing with parents these days is they’re bringing home reading material for their kids to explore. They usually leave it in places like the bathroom as an option for casual reading,” she said. 

But what do you do when you’re blindsided by the age-old question: “Where do babies come from?”

“When it comes to having those talks, a lot of parents get stumped by that question,” Julia admitted.

Try to keep explanations simple and non-sexual. The first step of “the talk” isn’t to dive into the birds and the bees; it’s about understanding bodies, consent, and what’s appropriate and what’s not (like touching from other people). 

“It is kind of dependent on using that age-appropriate language as well as using accurate terms,” Julia said. “I always recommend using the medical terms for the anatomy so that they become really familiarized with that early on.”

So if your child asks where babies come from, try a response like: “They grow in the uterus.” It may lead to more questions — like what a uterus is and who has one — but that’s great because the conversation is slowly and comfortably opening.

If your teen isn’t ready to talk about sex yet, you’ll probably get the memo pretty quickly. There’s a good response to this, too.

“If your teen says something like, ‘Yeah, no, we’re not talking about that,’ it’s important to respect those boundaries,” Julia said. “But one thing I often suggest to parents is to emphasize that if they’re not ready to talk about it yet, then they’re probably not ready to have it either. It’s a way to help them stay in touch with their own boundaries and self-awareness.”

As an alternative to talking, Julia suggests helping children explore sex and identities through trustworthy online resources. 

“Sometimes, kids aren’t ready for a one-on-one conversation,” she says. “The internet can serve as a helpful middleman. You can guide them toward content that’s safe and educational, then support them emotionally as they discover more about themselves.”

Sex Should Be Talked About at Home

Sex education isn’t just about physical intimacy with someone else; it’s about understanding your own body and the concept of consent. 

We teach our kids this young. For example, if a child doesn’t want to give someone a hug, we don’t force them to. 

Conversations about consent should extend beyond sexual situations. Instead, teach kids how to set boundaries, ask for help, and recognize safe adults. These kinds of discussions can teach them how to respond to certain situations with confidence.

“A lot of people think teens and adolescents don’t have a good sense of boundaries, consent, or self-awareness, but the truth is, if you ask them, they develop it pretty quickly,” Julia said. “They can actually figure out when they feel ready to explore that with a partner.”

Julia pointed out that so much of this starts with sex education at home. In the past, older generations of parents might have relied on schools and trusted teachers to fill in the gaps. But that’s just not the reality anymore. 

“Never assume the kids’ school is going to give them proper, comprehensive sex education,” Julia said.

As of 2025, more than half of all states still offer abstinence-only sex education, have policies that restrict discussions on LGBTQ+ topics, or don’t consider sex education or HIV/STI instruction to be appropriate or accurate. 

You can see what your state requires here.

“It’s crucial to talk about it, but also to ask your kids, ‘What are they saying? Does anything sound off?’” Julia added. “Because if they’re getting misinformation like that, we need to break it down and set the record straight. We don’t want our kids running with those lies.”

Great. But what if you’re uncomfortable talking about sex?

Nearly 60% of American parents were raised thinking sex was a taboo topic. While this survey had a smaller sample size — 2,000 parents with children aged 5 to 18 — I think it’s still a clear image that this discomfort spans generations, especially for kids raised in the ‘80s, ‘90s, and ‘00s. 

In fact, 1 in 5 parents surveyed said they don’t plan to have “the talk” with their kids at all.

“We live in this strange American culture that’s both sex-obsessed and repressed at the same time. Everywhere you look, there’s advertising with sexy imagery, but heaven forbid you actually look at it — it’s like this contradiction that makes no sense,” Julia said. “This creates a toxic cycle of shame for many in our society.”

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Becoming a parent doesn’t mean you’ve got everything figured out. Like many children, I once thought my parents had all the answers just because they were grown-ups. But in reality, we’re all human. Even as adults, we continue to work through childhood-rooted issues, and that doesn’t make us any less capable of guiding our own children.

For parents navigating this kind of issue, Julia recommends the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski.

This bestselling, award-winning book takes a deep dive into the science of women’s sexuality while debunking myths and addressing common misconceptions along the way.

I haven’t read it myself, but now I just might.

Addressing the Elephant in the Room

The average American starts watching pornographic content at just 11 years old. 

This may sound surprising, but pornography is becoming the main way of sex education for tweens and teens. We can’t ban porn — OK, well, some states have — but we can practice porn literacy.

Porn literacy is about understanding and analyzing the content and messages in pornography. It involves recognizing how porn can shape perceptions of sex, relationships, and body image, and distinguishing between fantasy and reality.

“It’s important to tell them pornography is not reality; it’s barely even fantasy,” Julia said. “Adult content should not substitute for education — maybe you can use it as a springboard for ideas, but do not take that as your baseline to run.”

Porn isn’t just about sex, though. It can also shape how children and teens see themselves, leading them to question their interests earlier than expected, influence their views on relationships and gender roles, or spark curiosity about different identities they haven’t heard of before.

Julia emphasizes the importance of parents staying informed, especially when it comes to non-heteronormative identities. She encourages them to educate themselves about different sexual identities so they can better support their kids, if or when the time comes.

“Admittedly, this can be tricky: If a child’s sexual orientation falls on a broader spectrum, like bisexuality or homosexuality, it’s one thing. But when a child identifies as asexual, for example, that’s a whole different ball game,” Julia emphasized. “Parents really need to educate themselves to help their kids navigate these complexities. The key is normalizing these conversations at home, especially since many schools still don’t cover alternative sexual identities in sex education.”

It makes me think of an episode I recently watched of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” 

(By the way, this is a teeny spoiler if you’ve not seen S23:E11 yet.)

As the captain of the sex crimes unit in New York City, Olivia Benson has witnessed a lot of horror working with sex victims over the years. As her son, Noah, has gotten older, she’s had plenty of age-appropriate talks with him about safety, self-awareness, honesty, and consent. So, it’s almost no surprise when he casually comes out to her in this episode — and how naturally the conversation unfolds:

(End of spoiler.)

Ultimately, it’s not about having all the answers or saying everything perfectly — it’s about showing up and creating a space where your child feels safe to ask questions, explore, and grow. 

So, embrace the awkwardness and keep the conversation going. And if you want more guidance, you can learn more from Julia and her colleagues at ReSpark Therapy.