The Scoop: Dr. John Gray’s “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” was one of the best-selling relationship books of the ‘90s. Over three decades later, the dating and relationship scene has changed a lot. John talked to us about his massively successful book, along with some reflections he has collected throughout the last 30 years. He explored the shift from role mates to soulmates and said that, despite how different relationships look today, men and women can still find plenty of wisdom in “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”
It’s 1992. President George H.W. Bush and Russian President Boris Yeltsin proclaim an official end to the Cold War, Bill Clinton is elected president, and NAFTA is born. “Aladdin” rakes in hundreds of millions at the box office, Natalie Cole and Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable” takes Record of the Year, and Sinead O’Connor performs what will become one of the most controversial “Saturday Night Live” musical performances ever.
It was the same year that Dr. John Gray released his book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” The relationship book explores the differences between men and women, how these differences impact relationships, and what couples can do to better understand themselves and each other.
“Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” was one of the most popular nonfiction works of the ‘90s and has sold more than 50 million copies since it first appeared on bookshelves. People found a lot of resonance with what John had to say about psychology, romance, and relationships.
Over the past 30 years since its initial publication, a lot has changed in the dating scene and in the way we build relationships. John talked to us about his reflections on the book some three decades later and dug into where his approach has changed and why. He also talked to us about MarsVenus.com, his online relationship guidance platform.
“Since I wrote ‘Men Are From Mars’ over 30 years ago, relationships have dramatically changed,” John said. “Men and women are still different. It’s still like we’re from different planets. However, our challenges in relationships today are not only different, but they’re also greater.”
The Biggest Relationship Book of the ‘90s
When John first set out to publish “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” he had already been using the ideas in the book with his own clients. The book’s advice revolves around the premise that there are significant biological differences between the sexes, and heterosexual couples need to understand those differences to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
The book explores communication, a point system for positive interaction, and why men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It highlights what John sees as considerable differences between men and women but also gives the reader strategies for navigating these differences.
John told us modern single men and women still have differences, but they look very different now. He said one reason for their differences is the lack of role models. “We have no role models for how men and women can connect in an emotionally fulfilling way,” he told us.
John said shifting gender roles has also changed how men and women relate. “It’s not uncommon to see women as providers and men raising families, and these are new things that we’re facing, that we’ve never faced before.”
As single men and women change what they’re looking for in a partner, John said new needs, challenges, and dynamics appear in relationships. Relationships are different than they were 30 years ago, but John said he still sees the power of the messaging in “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”
Role Mates vs. Soul Mates and Other Developments
John identified financial security as a transformed aspect of relationships. “Traditionally, women were looking for a man who could provide financial security as a major need,” he said. “Women still may want that, but it was more of a major need then because our culture didn’t support women being financially independent.”
As women gained financial independence, more questions were put on the table about what they were looking for in men. “It becomes a new question,” John continued. “We stopped looking for role mates, who are people we’re with because they serve a role. New needs emerged, and one of those is emotional fulfillment.”
Modern daters are looking for partners whom they can trust and connect with on a deep emotional level. “That’s what I’m calling a soulmate relationship. Your soul is filled by being with this person, and you’re both taking care of yourself first,” John said.
A new set of standards guides single men and women, with more people looking for spouses with whom they share an intimate emotional, sexual, and even intellectual connection. We’re no longer dating to fulfill roles – we’re dating to fulfill our souls.
Companionship is now at the heart of healthy 21st-century relationships, and even though things have changed, John said men and women still need tools for understanding each other in these transformed roles. “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” still resonates with people looking to understand attraction and compatibility.
MarsVenus.com Helps Daters Understand One Another
“Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” pushed John into the mainstream, but his resources don’t end there. John also offers online relationship courses and blogs through his platform, MarsVenus.com, as well as through his other books, including revisits to the original publication of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”
MarsVenus.com is an online platform developed by John and his daughter, Lauren Gray, who’s also a relationship teacher, writer, and coach. John and Lauren have been teamed up as a father-daughter educational duo for years, helping singles across the country find the kind of relationship they’ve been looking for.
MarsVenus.com offers courses for men and women. John leads many of the courses for men, while Lauren takes charge of the courses with information geared toward women. Understanding Men is one of MarsVenus.com’s most popular courses and is led by Lauren. In this class, Lauren digs into why men pull away and what women can do to connect more passionately with men.
John also offers private coaching for men, women, and couples. One-on-one coaching with John is best for individuals and couples looking to improve communication and step into the fullness of their relationship. John teaches couples how to support each other and instills in singles some tips for ultimate attraction.
Dating has its highs and lows, and it can be easy to be overly critical along the way. John urged singles to stay open-minded and look for the good. “Free yourself of looking at what’s wrong,” he said. “That just produces more stress. If you’re too focused on finding the perfect place for you, your brain will be biased looking for what’s wrong.”
