The Scoop: If you and your partner have the same fights over and over again, your ‘perpetual problems’ may be to blame. LMFT Kimberly Panganiban of Panganiban Therapy is passionate about helping couples get to the root of their differences and accept the flaws they can’t change.
The best romantic relationships are those that take challenges and confrontations in stride. This is all well and good in theory, but the idea of confronting my partner about their flaws will always make my skin crawl. What if I hurt their feelings? What if they hurt my feelings? But if I don’t get this problem off my chest, I’ll feel just as miserable.
Eventually, the fight you’ve been having over and over again is going to come to a head. Do you break up, or do you accept the discomfort that comes with confrontation and dissent?
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Kimberly Panganiban of Panganiban Therapy makes this an easy decision to make. She helps couples come to terms with their differences. “I’ve always been drawn to relationships and the impact they have in people’s lives,” Kimberly told us.
Relationships are what make life worth living. They deserve our attention and patience, which is why Kimberly uses the Gottman Method to help her clients get to the root of their long-term problems — or ‘perpetual problems’, as Kimberly and the Gottmans call them.
Confronting my relationship problems may make my skin crawl, but I always end up feeling lighter, safer, and more fulfilled as a result. With Kimberly’s guidance, you can finally make headway on your stubborn relationship problems.
Meta-Emotion Mismatch Is A Common Problem
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the Gottman method is a framework for couples therapy that incorporates research-based interventions to improve a couple’s relationship. This approach encourages struggling couples to foster intimacy and express affection and empathy.
Obviously, this is all easier said than done. When you and your partner can barely look each other in the eye, you need to start small so you can work your way up to intimacy and affection. Identifying what the Gottmans (and Kimberly) call perpetual problems is a great first step to acknowledging what you need to work on as a couple.
“The Gottmans found that 69% of the problems a couple faces are perpetual, meaning they’re unsolvable,” Kimberly told us. We all have to accept that perpetual problems are an inevitable part of dating someone who is different from you. “No matter who you’re with, you’re going to have a set of unsolvable problems that you’ll have to manage,” Kimberly pointed out. She quoted couples therapist Dan Wile: “Picking a partner is actually picking a set of problems you can live with.”
It helps if you know most of your dealbreakers before entering a serious relationship.
For example, you and your partner may have different definitions of what it means to relax. Your partner enjoys physical activities, like biking and golfing, but you prefer curling up with a book. Over time, what started out a minor difference has turned into something much more grating, not because of your differences, but the way you both naturally react to them. The perpetual problem that arises is the fact that neither of you are willing to accommodate the other’s preferences.
“Picking a partner is actually picking a set of problems you can live with.”
One of the more prominent perpetual problems couples experience is Meta-Emotion Mismatch. Kimberly described Meta-Emotion Mismatch as “a perpetual problem that couples face around differences in their beliefs about how emotions should be processed, shared, and managed in the relationship.” More times than not, a couple’s emotional problems can be traced to Meta-Emotion Mismatch.
After all, the way you deal with your emotions says a lot about who you are, your maturity level, and your overall emotional intelligence. I usually assume women are more emotionally attuned than men, but Kimberly explained how this isn’t always true. “[Meta-Emotion Mismatch] really is a product of how people were raised,” she said.
The way your parents dealt with emotions probably influenced the way you deal with emotional differences today, regardless of gender stereotypes. “If people were raised by emotionally dismissive parents, then they tend to be dismissive of their own feelings, and therefore of their partner’s feelings,” Kimberly said.
Meta-Emotion Mismatch looks different for every couple, but it follows a general pattern. “Generally, the person who is on the emotion-dismissing side tends to feel uncomfortable with intense or expressive emotion,” Kimberly explained. “The person on the other side tends to feel dismissed and minimized emotionally.”
If you fail to address these issues, you’re only going to welcome more strife into your relationship.
Do You Get Defensive?
Emotional differences should be a way for couples to grow closer together, but too often, they tear couples apart. That’s where couples counseling comes in handy. To bring Meta-Emotion Mismatch and other perpetual problems to light, you have to open up about your feelings.
When couples go to therapy with a clear case of Meta-Emotion Mismatch, Kimberly works to break down their differences so they’re easier for the couple to understand. “The goal is to get them to understand both sides,” she said.
In many ways, a therapist’s job is to facilitate awareness, not peace (although peace is a result of self-awareness, Kimberly pointed out). She described self-awareness as “a deeper understanding and compassion for one another, [as well as] a level of acceptance.” Of course, acceptance is rarely as easy as it sounds. In this case, accepting there’s a perpetual problem you’ll have to deal with for the rest of your relationship can be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plus, it’s never easy when your partner says, “There’s something about you I have trouble accepting.” When this happens, your instinct may be to go on the defensive. It’s only natural! But immediately defending yourself or, worse, attacking your partner’s opinion, isn’t always the most helpful move.
“I think the biggest problem couples face in navigating these [mismatches] is that there’s often a feeling of ‘right versus wrong’ in the relationship,” Kimberly said. She emphasized how opinions don’t have to be right or wrong to be valid.
Kimberly named financial matters and personal values as two hot-button issues. If my partner wanted to spend $1,000 of our shared savings on something I didn’t approve of, it would be difficult for me to try to understand his reasoning. My mind would undoubtedly start spinning in different directions. What if he spends the money without asking me first?
Well, Kimberly advises against such knee-jerk assumptions (except under violent or illegal circumstances, of course). “Sometimes, both people subscribe to one person being right and the other person wrong … It’s unhelpful to come at it with that sort of a lens,” she told us.
Black and white thinking rarely does either of you justice during an argument. For the most part, our opinions and decisions come from deeply personal experiences. You can learn so much more about your partner and foster intimacy simply by asking: Why is this your opinion?
According to Kimberly, “why” is one of the most important questions you can ask your partner.
Curiosity is Key
Why did you spend so much money without asking me? Why did you say that? Why are you acting this way? It’s important to ask these questions sincerely and gently, without injecting judgment into your tone. You simply want to understand your partner’s viewpoint, not judge them for their decision. When you put judgment aside, asking these questions can shed light on your partner’s motivations. The perpetual problems that felt like obstacles may feel more manageable when you finally understand the reasoning behind them.
Kimberly’s goal is to help clients achieve “true curiosity and understanding” and to “get out of the ‘right versus wrong’ mentality and into a curiosity standpoint.”
“What are the needs that [my partner] has underneath their stance?”
Curiosity is a crucial expression of love and empathy. It tells your partner, “I’m invested enough to learn more about you, where you came from, and why you do the things you do.” Kimberly recommends asking yourself, “What are the needs that [my partner] has underneath their stance?”
By this logic, exploding into anger probably isn’t the best way to confront someone, especially if you want the confrontation to be productive. If my boyfriend really did spend a hunk of our shared savings, it would be better if I said something like, “Why was spending our money on this object so important to you?” as opposed to “I can’t believe you spent all of our money! How could you be so selfish?”
It takes practice and patience to develop a curious mind, but empathy usually comes naturally to us. “Until couples can get [curious], they’re just going to keep spinning their wheels,” Kimberly explained. In other words, you’re just going to have the same fights over and over again.
Kimberly’s advice? “Just ask questions of one another and try to understand, even when you disagree,” she told us. “The more you disagree, the more you need to lean into curiosity.” You never know; by asking questions, you could end connecting with your partner on a deeper level.
And if the idea of sitting in a room and confronting you and your partner’s perpetual problems sounds intimidating, Kimberly has some reassuring words. “All couples have perpetual problems,” she said. “All of that is normal. If you’re struggling to navigate these things, seek some help and some guidance.”
