The Scoop: Couples who find themselves in therapy usually want to solve an acute issue in record time. But as Nancy Ryan, LMFT at Relationship Therapy Center, told us, conflict resolution can’t be rushed. It’s all about listening, emotional regulation, and creating a safe space where conflict resolution is possible.
There’s a common misconception that couples therapy is a place where people can resolve their issues in just one or two sessions. With a little hand–holding and a few kumbayas, you and your S.O. will be back to kissing and cuddling in no time, right? Not so fast!
Explaining your side of an argument is important, but it’s not the whole ballgame. Your partner isn’t going to give in just because you want them to.
It’s true that counselors can provide wisdom and guidance for spiraling relationships, but they aren’t miracle workers. You and your partner have to be willing to do the heavy lifting to resolve conflict. Licensed marriage and family therapist Nancy Ryan from Relationship Therapy Center told us how important it is for couples to feel safe within themselves, their relationships, and even their surroundings.
To achieve safety in therapy, you and your partner need to understand what you’re getting into. Nancy emphasized how couples should start therapy with three goals: to gain empathy into their partner’s perspective, to cultivate a safe space, and to have productive conversations that lead to conflict resolution.
Your Therapist Is A Neutral Third Party
Nancy made one thing clear: In a relationship, right and wrong is rarely black and white. “Good couples therapy is not about who’s right and wrong,” she told us. “It’s about teaching each other that each person has a [different] perspective.” And most importantly, couples must understand that having different perspectives isn’t a flaw.
I’m someone who easily gets lost in the minutiae when I’m arguing with someone. “At 4:37 p.m. on Valentine’s Day, you told me you wanted to meet my parents! Why are you going back on your word?” is something I can hear myself saying (or yelling) against my better judgment. In her sessions, Nancy warns against single-mindedness.
Ask yourself what matters most: proving you remember every little detail of a conversation, or clearly expressing your feelings? “When we can validate each other’s perspectives instead of fighting about facts, you get to intimacy and conflict resolution a lot sooner,” Nancy explained.
So if you’re only into therapy for the self-satisfaction of being proven right, you may be in the wrong place. “Part of what we do at our practice is make sure that we convey this right away,” Nancy said.
Nancy also has no interest in taking sides. “We want to build a rapport with both people,” she said. As someone who absolutely loves being right (to an annoying degree), I can see how this could take some getting used to. What do you mean, my therapist isn’t going to automatically support my side of the story? How else will my partner know I’m right?!
According to Nancy, the best way to convey your feelings about an argument is to let it all out in a controlled environment, like therapy. That way, you and your partner can get into the nitty-gritty without any distractions, and with a neutral third party present to help smooth out the kinks. “The goal is for them to talk to each other instead of to me,” Nancy said.
“When we can validate each other’s perspectives instead of fighting about facts, you get to intimacy and conflict resolution a lot sooner.”
Eventually, you and your partner will be able to have these productive discussions (notice how I didn’t say “loud and mean-spirited arguments”) at home. “We’re here to help them hear each other and learn the tools to slow down and listen without getting defensive, and [to accept] feedback from the other person, even if they don’t agree with it,” Nancy explained.
Obviously, this process takes time, patience, and lots of practice. It also takes trust: in your partner, in your therapist, and in the space you’re all working together within.
How To Create A Safe Space
Never underestimate the power of a safe space.
We all retreat to safe spaces when life feels too threatening or overwhelming. Some of you may feel most at ease behind the wheel, and go on long, winding drives to clear your head. Others prefer the seclusion of a bathtub, with bubbles and a locked door to keep stress at bay.
With comfort and relaxation comes vulnerability. And the more vulnerable you are, the more likely you are to voice your true feelings, something Nancy told us hinges on “creating safety.” In other words, Nancy and other couples therapists must create safe spaces for their clients if they want them to open up about their feelings.
Nancy’s presence turns her office — a place couples would automatically associate with conflict — into a safe space. It’s her job to keep a close eye on a couple’s conversations to make sure the space stays safe, receptive, and open-minded. “If I’m hearing what Gottman calls The Four Horsemen — criticism, contempt, stonewalling, or defensiveness — coming up, I’m going to stop you in the middle [of speaking],” she told us.
When one these Four Horsemen rears their ugly head, it’s a clear sign that tensions are rising to the point of conflict, and with no resolution in sight. “In therapy, we use pulse oximeters to let [clients] know when their heart rate starts going up, because once it hits over 100 beats per minute, the frontal cortex shuts down, along with rationality,” Nancy said. And when rational thought flies out the window, so does the safe space.
Nancy teaches her clients how to identify when this is happening so they prevent safe spaces from dissolving at home. “We actually take them through a relaxation exercise to get their heart rate down,” she explained. “We’re doing deep breathing, we’re doing progressive muscle relaxation, so that when they’re home, they know what’s happening inside their body and can take a good break.”
Instead of yelling, slamming doors, and increasing tension in the household, take a moment to collect your thoughts and take a deep breath. There’s no reason why you can’t disengage from an argument for an hour so you can calm down. It’s better to say “Give me a half hour to calm down and then we can continue our conversation” than to say something out of anger you might regret.
These self-regulation skills are key to creating the safe space you and your partner need.
Difficult Conversations Are All About The Approach
It’s all well and good to walk away from an argument when you feel yourself losing your cool. But what do you say when you return? Nancy confirmed that a successful conversation is all about the approach.
“It’s important to find the right time,” she said. Don’t interrupt when your S.O. is in the middle of a task, and don’t force a conversation if they aren’t receptive to it. The ideal confrontation follows a loose formula, Nancy told us. “When this happened, I felt ____. And what I really need is ____.”
Make it clear why you’re upset, and then suggest a practical solution. “‘When you were an hour late last night, I started to feel really concerned,’” Nancy exemplified. “‘What I really need is for you to shoot me a quick text.’”
Gentleness may be the key word, Nancy said. “We talk about being gentle in the startup, because if you can do that, your partner may be able to listen to you,” she explained.
One of the biggest challenges people encounter when diving into difficult discussions is one of the four horsemen: defensiveness.
My own defensiveness doesn’t come from a big ego — I’m often the first to admit I’m wrong — but from a fear of letting people down. If I tried super hard to do the right thing and still screwed up, I can’t help but feel mad at the world, including the person who confronted me.
According to Nancy, the animosity I feel is a reflection of my own insecurities. “One of the things that’s really important is emotional regulation inside of ourselves,” Nancy emphasized. “[Emotional regulation] is key when we’re having conversations with our partners because nothing can trigger us more. All those old wounds and attachment styles get triggered in our love relationships,” she pointed out.
It’s important to slow down, take those deep breaths we mentioned earlier, and remind yourself that we’re all made up of our experiences. Or as Nancy put it, “We all have stories that have happened to us that we’ve got to start sorting out.”
With the help of a therapist like Nancy, sorting out your stories can be a fulfilling process that brings you and your partner closer together. When you have a safe space and a receptive partner, there’s no reason why you and your significant other can’t leave therapy on the same page.
