The Scoop: Divorce is never an enjoyable process, but that doesn’t mean it has to be torturous. Certified divorce coach and mediator Cat Blake identified the most common mistakes parents make during the divorce process. Avoiding these mistakes can de-escalate conflict and encourage civility.
“Kramer vs. Kramer.” “Marriage Story.” “The Squid and the Whale.” For some of us, these divorce films might hit a little too close to home. All that fighting, all that yelling, the punched walls and the cold stares and the painful custody battles… they’re enough to make anyone stay single forever.
“Nobody wins in divorce court,” Cat Blake, a family therapist-turned-certified divorce coach, told us. But she also emphasized how divorce doesn’t have to be the painful experience we see in the movies. In fact, for many people, divorce can make the family dynamic healthier, stronger, and more stable.
As someone who went through a divorce herself, Cat said she knew she could help make divorce easier for parents and children alike. “I want to change the system and make it more of a positive experience, because [divorce] actually helps children in the long run,” she said. But for this to be true, the parents on either side of the courtroom should try to avoid a few key mistakes.
“I really want to help people to avoid the financial, emotional, social, and spiritual mistakes I made,” she told us.
Mistake: Treating Your Attorney Like A Therapist
Cat knows from personal experience just how draining the divorce process can be. And by “draining,” I don’t only mean financially, but emotionally, too. “I spent a lot [of time and money] talking to my attorney as if they were my therapist,” she admitted. This, she told us, “is mistake number one.”
During such a stressful time, it’s tempting to unload your grievances and worries onto the nearest ally. Remember: Your attorney is not a trained therapist. Not only are they unqualified to soothe your worries, but sometimes, they’re actually paid to profit from them.
Cat didn’t know where to put all of her fears, so she poured them into finding the best attorneys. But all the sharks and mediators in the world can’t soothe a mother’s anxious mind.
What she needed was a calm, impartial party to cut through her anxiety and point out the obvious: She wasn’t a bad mother, and wouldn’t lose custody of her child. If she’d gone to a therapist during her divorce, she would have “been much more calm and logical” about the process, she told us.
A relationship’s downfall can be physically and emotionally draining, even if breaking up is the healthiest option. You need a strong team by your side to keep you motivated and clear-headed. Having an attorney and therapist who both have your best interest at heart is a great way to keep your eyes on the prize, the “prize” being a smooth, drama-free transition into a new life.
It may be tempting, but treating your attorney like a therapist only distracts them from doing their own job. Still, some legal representatives have drastically different styles that make them more suited for certain personality types than others. “All attorneys have different ways of working,” Cat explained. “Some are more collaborative, some are more into mediation, and some are just sharks.”
“Some [attorneys are] more collaborative, some are more into mediation, and some are just sharks.”
A “shark’s” goal is typically to take as much from the opposing side as possible to “win” the case. Cat may have said that “no one wins in divorce court,” but a shark comes pretty close, as they usually walk away with a hefty paycheck. You wouldn’t want a shark to go up against a non-shark. “Mismatched attorney styles is a big mistake,” Cat said.
A mediator may seem to have a less extreme style, but that doesn’t mean you should depend on them for emotional regulation. Again, it’s best if you leave the emotional stuff to a therapist. “The most common mistake is letting your emotions run the ship,” Cat reiterated.
Mistake: Obsessing Over The Wrong Things
What do you want to get out of your divorce?
In divorce court, concrete decisions are made that will affect you, your ex, and your children. It’s important to know what you want versus what you actually need from a divorce. Cat recommends managing your expectations.
Of course, this is harder than it sounds. During a divorce, so much is seemingly out of your control. And when something is out of your control, you may hold tightly to the little things you have a better chance at controlling. What if your ex finds out you let your child stay up late on a school night? What if the judge discovers the minor mistake you made at work, or the time you flirted with your mailman?!
It’s tempting to stress over the small stuff when it feels like your opponent is scrutinizing your every move. It’s wise to be on your best behavior, but obsessing over the small stuff isn’t helpful. It may be just as tempting to raise the alarm about every glass of wine your ex-partner drank or every scraped knee that happened under their watch, but again, focusing on tiny things only prolongs the process.
According to Cat, divorce court usually doesn’t have the time or the resources to zero in on every little detail of your case. “They’re just looking at, ‘How do we divvy up these assets in a fair way?’”
You have to come to terms with the fact that the courtroom treats divorce like a business transaction. “[Attorneys] are not really concerned with nuance,” Cat said. “It’s a really black and white system.”
The safety of you and your family goes before any petty arguments or grievances.
Cat told us how she learned to manage her expectations during her own divorce. She initially thought the judge would easily see how manipulative her ex could be, and quickly make decisions accordingly. But divorce court is rarely so straightforward. “I tell all my clients, ‘Don’t go into divorce court expecting to ‘win’ or get your revenge,” she said.
When you manage your expectations, make sure you manage your definition of “success,” too.
There’s no winning in divorce court, but there are success stories. This “success” has nothing to do with assets and finances and custody battles. “Your success comes from living your best life, having an awesome relationship with your kids, and maybe even finding a career or a new tribe,” Cat explained.
Mistake: Thinking That Divorce Traumatizes Children
Dragging your child through a divorce may feel like an unforgivable betrayal. What if it traumatizes them? What if they secretly resent you into adulthood? What if they hate you, but not your ex?
This thought process is a mistake, Cat told us. She made it clear that the divorce itself isn’t necessarily what traumatizes children. “It’s ongoing conflict that damages kids,” she emphasized.
Ideally, you and your ex both love your child and won’t do anything to hurt them. You’ll both be able to provide proper care and stable, but separate, home environments. And even more ideal, you’ll both maintain a civil line of communication.
The key word is trust. Despite having your differences, you and your ex should be able to trust each other with your child.
“If you can let go of control a little bit and let dad do his thing, knowing your child is going to come back in one piece, it’s going to protect against ongoing years of conflict,” she told us.
“If you can let go of control a little bit and let dad do his thing, knowing your child is going to come back in one piece, it’s going to protect against ongoing years of conflict.”
This is why keeping up a solid line of civil communication with your ex is so important if you both have custody of your children.
“I’m a big believer in parallel parenting,” Cat explained. “Dad does what he does with the kids in his time, and mom does what she does with the kids in her time,” she said. “You guys don’t really have to agree on much.”
The small stuff you and your ex used to fight about — your child’s diet, bedtime, and video game restrictions, for example — is now split between both homes. You can each have your own rules.
Of course, you should always stay in contact about serious issues. A child’s illnesses, injuries, behavioral problems, and mental health struggles are something co-parents should always try to be aware of and on the same page about.
When you’re in the throes of the divorce process, you may question your every decision. Cat’s Divorce Boot Camp video series can give you the support you need. “Not everybody can afford the individual coaching,” Cat told us. “So sometimes people just do my group, and then some people just do the [Bootcamp].”
The class covers the legal, financial, and emotional aspects of divorce that you may or may not expect. “People come out the other end with a wealth of information about how to navigate their divorce,” Cat said.
