Key Takeaways

He’s emotionally unavailable…
He can’t even bother to bring me flowers…
I’ve never once seen him hug his guy friends…
He doesn’t follow through with what he says…
He wants me to love him but doesn’t want a long-term commitment…
He doesn’t share his feelings…

Sound familiar? If so, it’s probably because you (or your friend in that one annoying situationship) are dating a man who suffers from TikTok’s unofficial diagnosis: the male loneliness epidemic.

Yes, that’s right. The male loneliness epidemic. If it sounds cheesy, silly or even fake — I’m here to tell you it’s not. It’s just that ridiculous. And also (unfortunately for those of us dating men) that real.

According to the clock app, this maybe-fake-sounding epidemic is actually a growing trend: Men are said to be experiencing high levels of social isolation and loneliness across the board, which isn’t just affecting their daily lives, but their dating lives, too. The research does confirm this: 15% of men have claimed to have no close friends (which is 12% higher than 30 years ago.) Adding to that, another survey found that 6 in 10 men under the age of 30 are now single, nearly double the rate of women.

If you’re thinking ‘OK, but whose fault is that?’ then you’re probably among the many women who have sat through mansplaining and rude behavior and being ghosted after being loved bombed and then slept with. Let’s be real here, you have every right to feel that way. The long list of things women have endured at the hands of toxic masculinity from self-proclaimed finance bros, 40-year-olds who DJ on the weekends and 20-somethings who can’t be bothered to text back is, well, atrocious. The women of TikTok, and I personally, can attest to that.

“Male loneliness epidemic is,” one TikToker @harleyxwest.chats says, “actually a male-too-lazy-to-make-emotional-connections epidemic.”

On the other hand, the phrase male loneliness epidemic does have merit. Today’s men of the world are lonely. They are more likely to be single, not engaged with dating apps, and now, they even have less sex than women. Men are likely the loneliest they have ever been, in large part due to societal pressures around masculinity that discourage them from seeking support in their relationships, building close friendships and showing any form of what they’d deem as “feminine traits.”

But again, many men aren’t exactly showing up, doing the dating thing and working on being great partners. One study even found that roughly 1 in 5 men are not looking for a relationship and are only looking for sex, but are unable to find sexual partners. It does seem ironic then, that these same men claim loneliness on all fronts, when they aren’t attempting to have real and close romantic connections, either. So when a man says he is lonely, I know it is easy for me (and the rest of the internet) to point to the writing on the wall.

“There is a male loneliness epidemic…” TikToker @oneca says, “Yeah, for a reason.”

Engaging With Genuine Intention Can Speak Volumes

According to the data, men make up the majority of people on dating apps — that’s upwards of 62%. Women, who make up about 33% of the endless swipers, are often overwhelmed by the number of options presented to them. Men swipe and ping and match with little to no response from women, while women get flooded with matches and creepy messages and dick pics — no wonder they feel the need to put their phone down and never open it again. As someone with 9,879 unrequited likes on Feeld, I know how it feels. Oh, yeah, and throw in the post-COVID weirdness and you’ve got the trifecta for bad dating situations. It all seems rather funny until it’s not.

If I, or any other women do respond, it’s done so very selectively. I don’t know about you, but the women I know who are interested in men want to date men who meet a certain criteria: Someone who is emotionally available, a good communicator, and even more so, someone who also shares their values and morals. Women have less patience for poor communication skills today, creating a relationship skills gap that, if not addressed, will lead to fewer dating opportunities for some men entirely.

“The low success on dating apps,” British journalist James Bloodworth says, “perpetuates the idea they’re undesirable to all women. With so few matches, they transpose this onto real life, believing they will be alone forever.” But, alas, we need to also consider the question of accountability. If it feels hard to come by good men today, it’s because men aren’t doing what it takes to get there.

The male loneliness epidemic doesn’t just speak to the fact that men are lonely, it also speaks to a much bigger and deeply rooted issue. The same boys who grew up hearing “Boys will be boys!” and “Boys don’t cry!” are now grown men who are conditioned to still believe these ideas. Yes, although a lot of men have sought the resources needed to deprogram these limiting and harmful narratives, many men simply just aren’t. Many of them, in fact, are not seeking therapy, fostering meaningful friendships, or attempting to understand how their actions might be affecting their dating life.

“Men who offer nothing but still expect 10/10 women,” @wiscocowboy1, a male TikToker even agrees, “are a big reason behind the male loneliness epidemic.”

Loneliness Is Not the End Game

But maybe, just maybe, there is still hope. Hope at the hands of men who can claim their own fate (and not rely on their relationships with women to fix the loneliness epidemic for them.) Because it is not, in fact, anyone else’s job but the person who is feeling it to “fix” their loneliness. Plus, in case anyone needs a reminder, no number of silly dating app messages, one-night stands, situationships or likes on your Instagram photo will cure your own loneliness (no matter what gender you identify as).

Surprise, surprise: Curing the male loneliness epidemic takes a degree of work you must be willing to put in. Here are a few things I, and other people, would appreciate:

  • Take your focus from a transactional or surface-level approach to dating to one focused on more genuine, emotional connections.
  • Try not to conform to certain “masculine” ideals when dating, such as being dominant, or emotionally distant.  None of those are inherently masculine. Instead, try approaching your date with kindness and vulnerability.
  • Yes, you should know that men can and should embrace openness, be honest about their emotions, and prioritize communication. You just have to try. 
  • Rather than approaching dating as a performance or competition, try to simply form meaningful relationships built on trust and emotional intimacy. Vulnerability in this context becomes a strength that allows you to connect on a deeper level and create lasting bonds (and is sure to make your dating life all the better).
  • Whether it’s through regular hangouts, texting, or simply making the effort to be present, showing up for one another (even in friendship!) can strengthen your bond and reduce isolation.
  • Embrace the idea that genuine friendships are based on shared experiences, mutual understanding, and open communication. So look for ways to support your friends emotionally, not just practically, by creating safe spaces for vulnerability.

But if you’re looking for something even simpler than that, take it from TikToker @rebeliada, “The male loneliness epidemic could easily be solved by learning that in conversations, you need to ask questions back.”

OK, yeah, we can’t argue with that one.