The Scoop: When it’s time for couples therapy, why not combine it with a vacation? Marissa Nelson did just that when she created IntimacyMoons, a couples therapy practice offering private retreats. Marissa talked to us about the service and why time away from daily distractions is more powerful than you think.
We’ve all heard of the honeymoon phase. It’s the stage of a relationship right after you start dating where you see everything about your partner and your relationship through rose-colored glasses.
I love the honeymoon phase. (Who doesn’t?!) Our brains and bodies are full of those lovey-dovey chemicals that make us feel infatuated with our partners. We get to bask in a beautifully uncomplicated relationship before things get real and life becomes complicated.
So if we have the honeymoon phase, what do you call the stage when you’re 10 years in, watching your partner use the bathroom with the door open?
This phase doesn’t have a catchy title, but it can be described pretty simply: a real-life relationship.
It would be nice if the honeymoon phase lasted forever, but it can’t. And it shouldn’t, either. The real-life relationship phase may have some rough edges, but it’s cultivated from years of communication, dedication, and stick-to-it-ness that creates levels of intimacy the honeymoon phase only dreams of.
But real-life relationships are also full of righteous distractions, like family, kids, work, and friends. In the midst of it all, maintaining the closeness you felt in the honeymoon phase can be a challenge. But it’s not impossible.
Sometimes all it takes to rediscover that closeness is a break from the daily distractions of real-life partnership.
Marissa Nelson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Sex Therapist, and the founder and CEO of IntimacyMoons. IntimacyMoons is a couples retreat service that offers workshops and vacations for couples looking to deepen their relationship.
With IntimacyMoons, you and your partner can engage with high-quality therapeutic approaches removed from your daily distractions.
Marissa talked to us about real-life partnerships, the struggles long-term couples face, especially those with children, and how just a week-long getaway can dramatically transform the state of a relationship.
“When couples’ lives are centered around the family and children, they very rarely always have the time to spend and just be with one another,” Marissa said. “Life can get in the way, and sometimes couples can lose this spark and that intimate connection.”
An Approach That Gets to the Root of Issues
Marissa told us she knew from the start of her career that she wanted to work with couples. Her first job was doing in-home trauma therapy with families in Philadelphia, where she treated children who were referred to her for behavioral issues.
“I always used to say: Bring me their parents,” Marissa said. “And what you saw was complex trauma and PTSD from divorce, separation, intimate partner violence, any of these things. I always felt like it was my mission to strengthen the family from the top.”
A healthy and secure childhood sets you up for healthy and secure relationships in adulthood. When you become a parent, the health of your relationship doesn’t just impact you and your spouse. It also impacts your kids.
Marissa’s experience in family therapy showed her how instrumental the relationship between parents is. “Everybody has their own specialization as a therapist, and I just get couples,” Marissa said. “I love the work and it resonates with me.”
Marissa created her private practice in Washington, D.C., and began noticing a trend in the couples counseling scene. People were going on vacation. More and more couples were traveling to work on their relationship, whether that was through a guided retreat or private counseling.
“People were having problems being intimate or connecting or being able to spend one-on-one time together,” Marissa told us. “Life is getting in the way.”
When couples have children, their lives become centered around the kids and being parents. Parenthood is a priority, but so is your relationship with your partner. Marissa realized that many parents’ lives included too much sacrifice.
“I realized that people often sacrifice their relationship and their time together because of the family,” Marissa said. “People sacrifice so much because they’re parents and they take the role of being parents very seriously. But couples still need friendship outside of parenthood.”
Marissa’s approach taps into the connection between couples that’s distinct from their shared experience of being a parent. For couples who have been parents for a while, this can look like tapping into a past version of the relationship, before kids and the juggling act of adulthood.
Couples Counseling – in Paradise
Separating yourself from daily responsibilities is a great way to rekindle intimacy with your partner. While this definitely informs IntimacyMoon’s approach, Marissa’s reasons for combining vacation and therapy go a little deeper.
“Let’s be honest, mental health has not always been the buzzword it is now,” Marissa said. “There’s an incredible amount of shame and stigma for seeking out therapy and support, particularly when we think about communities of color or marginalized communities that may get negative messaging about therapy.”
Marissa said when people believe seeking support makes them weak, it kicks off a devastating cycle of shame and suffering. This cycle can impact every relationship in your life, from your marriage to your relationships with your children.
“Sexual health and sexual wellness are also completely taboo in some places, and these are things people just don’t talk about,” Marissa said. “But the experiences we have as human beings, our longing for connection, our craving for human touch– we all have feelings about these things.”
When people can’t speak about these things and share their authentic struggles and challenges, finding true intimacy with a partner becomes much more difficult, if not impossible.
“My motto with building retreats was maybe people have a problem going to therapy, but nobody has a problem going on vacation,” Marissa said.
To Marissa, vacation is a therapeutic intervention. Even just a weekend in a hotel can bring couples the change to routine and novelty they need to shift their mindset. Going on an IntimacyMoons retreat makes the break from old habits a physical shift– you go on vacation and return transformed.
“Going away to come together allows people the space to focus on themselves,” Marissa said. “But time is the main luxury. The vacation gives them the luxury of the present moment and allows them to fill it with beautiful, meaningful experiences.”
IntimacyMoons private retreats are guided by Marissa and include comprehensive pre-retreat consultations, six hours of personalized workshops, and two post-retreat sessions.
Couples can opt for a weekend away in a luxury hotel in downtown Washington, D.C., or travel further away. IntimacyMoons offers options for retreats to Martha’s Vineyard, Barbados, and the Bahamas.
“We use brief, strategic, and tailored interventions for four days so they can build skills but still have fun on their vacation,” Marissa said. “So much discovery and rediscovery happens on these retreats.”
Balancing Parenthood, Work, & Partnership
While everybody could use a vacation, not everybody has the time or resources to do a couples therapy intensive or week-long retreat. But, no matter how busy your schedule is, you can find time for mini vacations with your partner. It’s all about tapping into the right mindset.
“You need to take time for yourself and be intentional about your relationship,” Marissa told us. “Keeping children happy and healthy is a big deal. But as parents, if we don’t take care of ourselves and our partners, we can erode every relationship. We can have it all, but it requires intention.”
You should incorporate intentional self-care and connection with your partner into your daily routine. This can be a morning cuddle, nighttime debrief, or scheduled weekly date. Finding private time, away from kids, is essential. But intentional time with your partner can happen when your kids are there, and Marissa said it should.
“One of the biggest gifts we can give our kids is to let them experience what love looks like in their household,” Marissa said. “This is where we model who they’re going to end up looking for in the world when they’re older. How we communicate with our partner deeply matters.”
Modeling communication, intimacy, and dedication to your kids– even when it’s a little rough around the edges– is only for the better. Life as a parent is full of what can feel like barely controlled chaos, but finding that intimate connection with your partner is essential for your entire family’s health.
“We take care of ourselves so we can take care of our kids, so we can be attentive, engaged, accessible, present with them,” Marissa said. “And guess what? Our partners need the same thing from us.”
