Step One for Better Sex: Emotionally Mature Conversations

If you want to have better sex, you don’t need to read up on the best positions or learn special new techniques for the bedroom. Those things might be useful down the line, but better sex starts with something that many of us may find a bit more challenging: vulnerability.

In this context, vulnerability refers to your ability to be honest and transparent with yourself (and your partner) about sex and everything that comes with it. That includes your sexuality, past sexual experiences, as well as your fantasies and desires. 

We all know this is no short order.

Talking about sex isn’t the easiest thing for a lot of people. But, when we empower ourselves with the language and confidence to speak openly and authentically about our sexualities and experiences with sex, we take control of our sex lives. 

We gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, which emboldens us to more deeply connect with our partners.

Kevin Anthony is a Certified Sexologist, Tantra Counselor, and relationship coach. Kevin has spent the last decade working with men, women, and couples to help them embrace the best version of themselves and their relationships. 

Kevin talked to us about the importance of vulnerability and emotionally honest conversations when it comes to improving relationships– in and out of the bedroom. 

He filled us in on his journey to becoming a Certified Sexologist, a few of his favorite techniques for working with couples, and why small reconnecting habits can make a big improvement in your sex life.

“Step one is to have really honest and mature conversations around sex,” Kevin said. “One of the things I see often is that people don’t really talk about sex, and for many reasons. I’ve talked to couples who have been married for years and don’t have conversations about sex.”

Kevin’s Journey to Deeper Self-Knowledge

Kevin never intended to become a sexpert. The way he tells it, his profession found him.

“My goal was always to just learn for myself,” Kevin said. “I wanted to have better relationships. And, as long as I can remember, I’ve just wanted to be good in bed. I’ve always enjoyed sex and wanted to be the best I could be at it.”

Kevin’s drive to be “the best” wasn’t about impressing people. Instead, he saw sex as a way to connect with others and himself, and he wanted to take full advantage of each sexual experience. He wanted to learn how to maximize sexual pleasure for himself and his partners.

“I was asking myself, ‘How can I make it the best experience for both of us that it can possibly be?’” Kevin said. “That was my motivation. So I would read books, learn from other people, take workshops, and meet with experts.”

A SoCal resident for over 20 years, Kevin told us he always felt lucky to have access to high-quality sex resources and experts. As he explored new ways of understanding sex and connection, he felt supported by the people around him. 

“I consider myself lucky because I know a lot of people don’t have access to the same resources I did,” Kevin said. “And I noticed that when I started learning more about these things, people started coming to me with questions and asking for advice.”

First it was friends coming to Kevin, asking for bits of wisdom here and there. But soon, even strangers were approaching Kevin for his two cents.

“I started to realize that maybe I should become a teacher in this area when I was out with my girlfriend,” Kevin said. “A guy was just staring at me and my girlfriend, and it started to really give me the creeps.”

When the stranger approached Kevin, he was ready for the worst. Instead, the stranger dove head-first into questions about his relationship. “He was watching how I was showing up with my girlfriend, and he wanted to learn how to do the same thing.”

After this experience, Kevin felt it was time to take the leap and follow his passion full time. Through his podcast, coaching, and online materials, Kevin’s approach empowers every client with the information and confidence they need to discover and claim their best sex life. 

How to Talk About Sex Without Judgment

Intimacy is a crucial aspect of great sex. But it’s also a necessary component of emotional and romantic connection. It makes sense that many couples struggling with sex often find they’re struggling with the bigger picture of intimacy. 

Kevin said the first step to creating deeper intimacy may sound simple, but many of us find it very challenging: talking about it.

People may struggle talking about sex, even with a sexual partner, for many reasons. Sometimes people are raised in environments where sex is taboo and they’re discouraged from discussing sex in any capacity. 

“A lot of it stems from childhood and the things we’re told about sex as children,” Kevin said. “And because of the things they were told, they just don’t talk about it.”

When couples don’t or can’t talk about sex, the entire relationship suffers, not just the sexual aspect of the relationship. 

“We know through modern research that a healthy sex life is extremely important to the overall health of a relationship. So when couples have been together for a long time and never had any real conversations about sex, that’s a big problem,” Kevin said.

Kevin starts with couples by creating a safe space for them to open up about their sex lives, even when it may feel uncomfortable. He gives them the space and security to express what isn’t working for them in their sexual relationship. In this space, Kevin encourages his clients to share everything and anything.

For many couples, this conversation is long in the making. 

“Many times I see that one person or both people have never actually voiced to their partner what they need or want when it comes to sex,” Kevin said. “Because they’re afraid to ask for it. Maybe they think it’s weird or wrong, or the other person won’t be open to it.”

You can’t expect your partner to know what you need or want if you don’t talk about it with them. Practicing authentic conversations about sex makes it easier to express what you want, without the fear of blame, shame, or criticizing. With every intimate and vulnerable conversation, the next one becomes a little easier.

“These conversations are about sharing what you need and what you want,” Kevin said. “You’re thinking about what you want to create with this person that you’re sharing so intimately with.”

Radical honesty and intimacy with your partner can feel intimidating. But embracing and practicing it in your relationship frees you to create the kind of connections you yearn for.

Finding Reconnection In and Outside the Bedroom

Mature conversations are a great start, but Kevin said it’s not the magical bandaid for all sex or relationship problems. Instead, it’s a jumping-off point that helps couples fortify their relationship so they can face other challenges together. 

Issues around sex don’t always stem from couples not being able to speak to each other openly. Sometimes, people have traumatic or negative experiences that may hinder them from accessing the level of intimacy they desire with their partner.

“A lot of the issues around sex that couples have stem from the individual and whatever traumas they may have,” Kevin said. “They may have traumas from past relationships or sexual encounters, or they may have a religious or cultural upbringing that gets in the way. There’s a lot of things that can potentially be blocks.”

Whatever the block is, Kevin said it must be addressed and healed before couples can begin building a sex life they both love. It’s about making sure each person is in a healthy and secure place from the get-go, so they can show up for each other while being in a safe place themselves. 

Sexual reconnection definitely happens in the bedroom, but Kevin told us couples should nurture that connection throughout their daily routines. Putting small, connective moments into everyday activities has the power to transform your relationship and your sex drive.

One way to do this is through a strategy Kevin calls “The Constant State of Arousal.” This strategy works well for couples who feel more like roommates than lovers and want to reinsert the passion they once felt in their sex lives.

“The Constant State of Arousal is doing little things all through the day, every day, that stoke that fire and nurture that desire,” Kevin explained. “It can be making sure that you hug each other frequently or kiss each other frequently. It could be a butt grab, or just telling your partner how much you want them.”

When couples follow the strategies of the Constant State of Arousal, they’re inserting elements of the passion they’ve restricted to sex alone into other elements of their relationship. Instead of restricting the sexual element of their relationship, they strengthen it with small and simple habits throughout the day.

Kevin also recommended a strategy he calls the Appreciation Game. Similar to the Constant State of Arousal, the Appreciation Game has you and your partner consciously thinking about each other throughout the day.

“This can go hand-in-hand with the Constant State of Arousal. The Appreciation Game is making sure you share something you appreciate about your partner every day,” Kevin said.

“It doesn’t always have to be these big things. You can find little things every day to appreciate about your partner.”

The Appreciation Game can be as simple as a compliment about your partner’s smile, new clothing item, or the dinner they made that night. You can appreciate the big things, too, like how they show up when you need them most.

All of Kevin’s methods and techniques aim to connect couples as a unit. 

“You’re supposed to be operating as a team,” Kevin said. “Rather than approaching conversations from a point of view that there’s two sides, competing for their needs, remember that you share a goal: a relationship and sex life that meets both of your needs, and makes you both happy.”