The Scoop: Fear of abandonment and fear of commitment are two of the most common relationship woes. Relationship coach Valentina Tudose talked to us about how abandonment and commitment are actually two sides of the same coin, and what daters can do to overcome their fears of either.
You’ve probably known someone who’s afraid of commitment, and you’ve also probably known somebody who’s afraid of abandonment.
I’ve been in situationships and relationships with people who feared abandonment or commitment, some who even feared both, and at times, I’ve been the person afraid of one or the other. Dealing with either fear without support can be treacherous, and often leads to the disintegration and end of a relationship.
There was a guy I dated who, at around the three-month mark, became very worried that I was going to leave him, pretty much out of the blue. He seemed to need reassurance from me, multiple times a day, that I cared about him and wanted to be with him.
I definitely did care about him and wanted to be with him, but over time this behavior took its toll on me and our relationship, and eventually, my answer to his pleas for reassurance was that, while I cared about him, I didn’t want to be with him anymore.
This guy had a case of fear of abandonment, and it was an intense case, too.
This need for reassurance may seem like the opposite of the behaviors non-commital people display, like flakiness and being closed-off emotionally. But it turns out a fear of commitment and a fear of abandonment have more in common than it seems.
We talked to Valentina Tudose, Hong Kong’s leading relationship coach, about abandonment, commitment, and how the fear of either is connected to the other.
Valentina specializes in helping women find balance and happiness in their love lives. Through her one-on-one coaching, digital courses, and free online resources, Valentina has helped hundreds of women reinvent themselves, their relationships, and the way they show up in the world.
“I see the fear of commitment and abandonment as the two sides of the same coin. They come up frequently in romantic relationships because relationships are mirrors of ourselves and vehicles by which we create our sense of identity,” Valentina said.
Who’s Afraid of Commitment?
Valentina told us that a fear of commitment is closely linked to our identities. When we value our identities as “free” or independent and self-sufficient beings who are able to take care of ourselves, without the need for a partner, we can develop this fear of intimacy with another person.
“This desire for freedom and excitement is at odds with the concept of ‘settling down,’ or committing to an exclusive relationship,” Valentina said, “because we fear we may be ‘settling’ or getting less than what we think we deserve while going ’down,’ or lowering our standards.”
The combination of self-sufficiency as core to identity and the fear of settling down can make it challenging for us to form relationships.
When we see self-sufficiency as core to identity and also fear “settling down,” we can find it hard to connect with people, even those who aren’t demanding we lower our standards or get less than what we think we deserve. A fear of commitment can prevent you from making fulfilling connections.
Valentina said that dating apps have made the fear of commitment worse. “Dating apps have also created this illusion that the dating pool is endless and our perfect match may be found at the next swipe,” she said. “So we are victims of what I call the ‘Soulmate FOMO.”
Fear of commitment can come from many different places, whether it’s the fear of losing independence or ending up with someone who isn’t the “most perfect” match. No matter why we fear commitment, we usually also fear intimacy and emotional openness.
Valentina said it’s important to remember that sexual intimacy isn’t the same as emotional intimacy, and great sex doesn’t automatically make a connection intimate.
“When we are brave enough to drop our guard, allow ourselves to become vulnerable, and open our hearts to a partner, many people often mistake sexual attraction for a magical connection that guarantees a happily ever after scenario,” Valentina said.
We can’t get too caught up in the idea of a soul mate, or the concept of an ideal connection. Valentina said this concept is almost always built on fantasy, and if we do find someone who we think is the perfect soul mate, that’s also a fantasy.
“When that happens, when we’ve created a whole fantasy in our head and we believe we are nothing without this person,” Valentina told us. “Our anxious attachment style gets activated and we live in permanent fear of losing the relationship and implicitly the identity we’ve created around that.”
And that’s where the fear of abandonment comes in. Both fears are constructed around ideas of identity, and what it means for that identity to change once you’re in a relationship with someone.
“So these two fears have a lot more to do with ourselves and the image we create of ourselves in the world than the partners we are dating,” Valentina said.
Rewriting the Stories We Tell Ourselves
People who experience fear of commitment or abandonment can probably find patterns in their relationships throughout their lives. Valentina said she begins with clients by having them map their life experiences and relationships and begin to identify repeating factors or behaviors.
“If they have a history of sabotaging relationships when things get serious by acting out, fearing infidelity, or being controlling,” Valentina said, “this is an indication they are trying to avoid the pain of losing what they have by seeking unhealthy amounts of reassurance– which tends to have the exact opposite effect.”
Valentina told us that self-victimizing behavior and refusal to take accountability can also be signs of a fear of abandonment. The person who fears abandonment may feel afraid that acknowledging their hurtful behavior may lead to their partner leaving.
“If a person tends to always play the victim in relationships, always blaming others for arguments and issues, this is a sign they are fearing abandonment and keep looking for a rescuer to make them feel safe and loved,” she said.
Correcting a fear of abandonment or commitment has to do with rewriting the way you think, and this starts with taking a fresh approach to how you see your past experiences, even the painful ones. With her own clients, Valentina uses a formula for rewiring beliefs:
Awareness + Choice + Action = Change
“When we recognize a behavior pattern, we can dig into the subconscious motivations behind it and change it consciously,” Valentina explained. “For example, a woman who keeps dating emotionally unavailable men. On the surface, she seeks connection and intimacy, believing this is what will lead to attachment and the commitment she seeks.”
But Valentina said, deep down, the woman believes that everyone ends up leaving her, so she may play hot and cold, move between chasing and pulling away, in an attempt to avoid the pain she thinks will inevitably come.
“It’s all in an attempt to protect herself from the pain of abandonment she unconsciously predicts due to her belief,” Valentina said. “Uncovering this pattern allows her to exercise choice next time around and interrupt this vicious cycle. First, she can identify her own reactions in a dating situation and choose to take a different path.”
When we can be aware of the patterns in our behavior, then we can make a choice about how we’re going to show up in the future, and then we can actually show up in that new, self-actualized way.
Open Communication Requires Vulnerability
Communicating with someone about your fears is one of the best ways to overcome them, especially in relationships. The issue is that open communication is a fear in itself for many of us. But open communication is essential to be able to practice vulnerability, and vulnerability is essential for the health of our relationships.
Open communication requires trust. “Trust is the cornerstone of a relationship. It is also a lot more about ourselves than it is about the other,” Valentina said. “The word confidence is made of two Latin words that mean ‘with’ and ‘trust.’ So, when we are confident it means we trust ourselves.”
Valentina told us that trust in a relationship, and trust in yourself, isn’t about having certainty that this person will never leave you and you’ll stay happily together forever. No one can make such a promise. Instead, trust is about knowing that no matter what happens in the relationship, you’re gonna be OK.
Both fears of commitment and abandonment make believing these things difficult. Learning to trust again after experiencing abandonment, whether in childhood or romantic relationships, can be an emotionally turbulent and challenging process. But Valentina said it can also be deeply empowering.
“Healing is a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, as well as building resilience and learning our lessons,” Valentina said. “People are not leaving because we are not good enough, but to give us an opportunity to become better and stronger. These challenges are gifts to our developmental journey.”
Whether you’re learning to let go of your fear of abandonment or commitment or working to be a more honest and vulnerable communicator with your partner, the process of getting there is going to have highs and lows.
It’s important to remember that facing these fears is an act of courage, and your relationships and mental health will only be the better for it.
“It takes a huge amount of courage to strip off all the masks and layers we’ve built over time in our need to hide the parts of ourselves others have judged and show up as our true authentic selves to our partners.”
