The Scoop: Many singles still fixate on their previous partners, which can lead to struggles in building new relationships. Nancy Deen helps her clients let go of past relationships through her breakup coaching practice. She offers one-on-one consultations as well as a three-week audio course that teaches clients how to move on from their breakups before reentering the dating pool. Furthermore, she shows her clients how to stop dating the same types of people or repeating the same habits that contributed to the failure of their past relationship.
It may not come as a surprise that people aren’t good at breakups. In fact, about 81% of singles surveyed admitted thinking about their exes too much. Of those people, 57% suggested that their obsessive behavior makes it harder to move on to someone new.
Thinking about an ex is a common issue with men and women. While 50% of women responded that they look at the profiles of their ex-lovers on social media too often, 40% of men said they do the same.
Those statistics make it clear that people are making mistakes when it comes to breakups. How can you make a fresh start in a new relationship if you’re still hung up on your ex?
Nancy Deen, a former matchmaker, wanted to answer that question once and for all. She discovered that too many of her matchmaking clients were still fixated on their exes or were seeking partners that reminded them of their former flames.
“When I was matchmaking, I thought people would live happily ever after. When I would talk to people intimately, I noticed that I often needed to help them move on from the past before they moved on to somebody new,” she told us.
That experience led her to start her breakup coaching service. Now, she teaches people how to heal the lingering pain from past relationships so they can have healthier romantic futures.
Building Up to a Fresh Start with a New Partner
As a matchmaker, Nancy discovered that while many of her clients were seeking new partners, they simply weren’t ready to start dating again. That’s because they hadn’t learned anything from their breakups.
Some wouldn’t take any responsibility for their failed relationships, while others would just try to replicate the same relationship they had before — faults and all. Still others were trying to leap back into a relationship as quickly as possible without actually doing the work of getting over their exes.
So, Nancy wanted to bridge the gap between a breakup and starting to date again. She began by answering the question: What keeps a person stuck on his or her ex?
“In my personal experience, you have to do inner work on the breakup before you can find that special someone. Every new relationship starts with a breakup,” she said.
One of the problems she noticed was that her clients were taking advice someone had given them, even if it went against their intuition. Instead, Nancy suggests that recently single people may not even need advice; instead, what they’re often looking for is empathy and someone to listen to them.
“Often, when I hear their side of the story, they come to their own understanding of what went wrong and what they should do differently,” Nancy said.
Nancy also helps her clients identify what was wrong with their previous relationships. If her clients can’t be mindful about what happened and what caused their breakup, then they won’t be more successful in a new coupling. They need to be open to taking a hard look at their own flaws or missteps, instead of just blaming the breakup on their previous partners.
“I want to help them hear their own voices through the experience,” said Nancy.
Private Coaching Allows Clients to Open Up
Most of Nancy’s clients are women age 20 to 40, though she also works selectively with men and older women. Before taking someone on as a client, Nancy checks in with them to ensure that they really want to do the work it takes to get over the breakup. That means clients need to be conscious and spiritual.
“They have to see things they may not want to see. You need a growth mindset when you’re working with me. Otherwise, it will just be a venting session,” Nancy said.
Once Nancy takes on a client, they begin working on developing a growth mindset. The client learns to behave differently in dating and relationships than they did in the past. For instance, if a client is letting attraction lead them into unsuccessful pairings, Nancy suggests that is the opposite of “conscious dating,” where someone identifies the qualities they’re seeking in a partner before they even start dating.
“I want my clients to see how they can take control of their lives and what they want going forward.” — Breakup Coach Nancy Deen
Nancy said she helped a man who was obsessed with his ex find clarity about what he really wanted in a relationship. When he recognized that he was idealizing his ex-girlfriend, he was finally able to move on from her.
“I want my clients to see how they can take control of our lives and what we want going forward,” Nancy said.
Nancy also talked about a woman she worked with who was struggling with her self-esteem after her husband cheated on her. And Nancy offered tools to help her work through those devastating circumstances.
“She found more strength, more compassion, and more love than ever going through that process. Sometimes things happen in life that really suck, but you are strong and brave, you can get through it,” said Nancy.
Nancy Deen: Free Resources for Devastated Daters
Nancy has helped clients from all over the world leave painful breakups in the past and focus on future relationships. Clients also have the option to get past their breakup without private sessions, as well. Nancy offers free resources and materials on her website to help.
For instance, Nancy’s “Ultimate Breakup Playlist” offers more than nine hours of breakup songs to help people cope with the end of their relationships. And her “Coach Yourself Through Your Breakup” guide includes Nancy’s 12 top tips for moving on.
Those who need more extensive help can sign up for Nancy’s three-week audio training course that connects users with the guidance they need as they settle into life after a breakup.
“How much do they want to take responsibility for their side of the breakup? We aren’t always getting closure, but we can get closure in how we take responsibility for the relationship,” Nancy said.
She is also in the process of producing more content aimed at singles in various stages of a breakup. These courses will allow users to select courses that will help them navigate the long-term effects of a failed relationship.
“My goal is to create content that really connects with people. When you’re with others who have the same intentions, deep shifts happen,” she said.
Ultimately, Nancy wants her clients to recognize that a breakup isn’t the end of the world. Often, it can be a wake-up call that they weren’t getting everything they needed in a relationship, and they may have been hiding parts of themselves to save it.
“The best way to get over a breakup is to rediscover yourself in the process,” said Nancy.