The Scoop: Good things take time, and that’s true for relationships, too. Clinical Sexologist Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones talked to us about giving connections time to develop, the importance of open-mindedness in every stage of dating, and how intimacy and sex interact to inform our relationships.
When I’m talking to my friends about a potential romantic interest, I find the word “chemistry” coming out of my mouth a lot. Usually, I’m referring to how I talk and interact with a person, and how that interaction makes me feel.
“Chemistry” is a useful term for describing the way a person’s presence and conversation can make us feel. But it’s not the end-all, be-all determiner of whether you and somebody else are compatible. If we focus too much on the idea of chemistry, we could end up in relationships that aren’t quite right for us and miss wonderful opportunities for connection.
A couple of years ago, I was super into a guy I was convinced was my perfect match. We worked together, and every passing conversation we had seemed laden with flirtatiousness, humor, and plenty of romantic intrigue. I was convinced our chemistry was off the charts.
As soon as we hung out outside of work, though, all of the things that I thought made up our chemistry became far less potent. I wanted to grab dinner and drinks, but he suggested “staying in and just making dinner at my place.”
After I had convinced him to go out, he had a tricky time finding conversation topics that weren’t work-related, and his sense of humor was markedly different when it was just the two of us.
What I thought was chemistry was really just the feeling of flirting at work– a little taboo, a little secretive, and very fun.

Chemistry doesn’t tell you all the important things about a relationship, but it definitely plays a role. If you’ve just started seeing someone and you don’t feel that chemistry right away, your relationship may just need some time to find its footing.
In the age of online dating, giving yourself, your partner, and your relationship time to develop is especially important.
Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones is a Clinical Sexologist and intimacy advisor who’s dedicated her career to helping individuals and couples overcome sexual challenges and embrace the wholeness of their identities.
Also known as the Erotic Doctor, Dr. Stephanie talked to us about sexual and emotional connections and what couples can do to nurture those connections in the early stages of dating. She filled us in on how romantic connections evolve, the importance of flexibility, and the differences between intimacy and sex.
“We’re taught this Hollywood version of falling in love, with the fireworks and the excitement,” Dr. Stephanie said. “And because of that, we often end up missing opportunities with people we could connect deeply with.”
Finding Your Stride in a New Relationship
If you just started dating someone new and you’re not feeling connected to them, whether that’s sexually or emotionally, Dr. Stephanie said your experience is not only normal, but also common.
Dr. Stephanie has worked with countless individuals and couples throughout her career and helped them overcome a variety of relational challenges. She holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and has more than 15 years of experience as a sexuality educator and consultant.
“If you don’t have either type of connection, physical or emotional, then it’s probably not a good fit for you,” Dr. Stephanie said. “But if you have an emotional attachment and connection with someone, I definitely think the sexual aspect can be built with time and patience.”

The same is true if you have a sexual connection but an underdeveloped emotional connection. Dr. Stephanie said time is the most important factor when you’re feeling this disconnect. Some people need extra time to adjust to relationships and feel comfortable with a new person, whether that’s sexually or emotionally.
Dr. Stephanie told us she has seen couples who started their relationship with only a sexual connection but eventually evolved into a committed long-term partnership. “It evolved into something more because they were open to it,” she said. “And a lot of changes happen within that process of becoming something more serious.”
Balancing the Emotional & Sexual Connection
The process of creating a new kind of connection can be complicated and bring up intense emotions. Let’s say you started a relationship with someone as a no-strings-attached sex situation. As time goes by, you and the other person realize you have deeper feelings for each other and decide to start dating seriously.
But the shift from no-strings-attached to serious can be disorienting. You may feel like you’ve overexposed yourself sexually now that the emotional aspects of the relationship are getting more attention.
“You have to know how to navigate the process because you’re going to start feeling certain emotions,” Dr. Stephanie said. “Sometimes we have to be careful then to not pull back sexually because we’re inviting deeper emotional intimacy into the relationship.”
Finding the kind of connection you’re looking for with a partner comes down to intimacy. Sex can be an intimate affair, but it ultimately only carries the credence you give it. The way Dr. Stephanie sees it, intimacy and sex are two distinct things.
“Intimacy is vulnerability. It’s letting down our walls. It’s allowing the other person access to our fears, even when those fears are big, like the fear of rejection, abandonment, or judgment,” Dr. Stephanie said. “Sex is simply an act.”

Developing intimacy with anyone, especially a romantic partner, requires you to put the sensitive stuff on the table. While sex in and of itself isn’t an intimate act, you and your partner can make it intimate. This is the task for couples who have a strong emotional connection but are struggling sexually.
“If people have the emotional intimacy but not the sexual intimacy, they have to take a look at what role they are seeing their partner in,” Dr. Stephanie said.
Couples who have been together for a long time or have children may start to feel more like roommates than lovers. When you’re only interacting with your partner as a parent or a teammate, the emotional role you assign to them might be distracting you from the sexual connection.
Rediscovering sexual intimacy with your partner begins with shifting the role you place them in. While your partner might be an extraordinary parent and teammate, they are also your lover. Dr. Stephanie said finding that lover headspace is the essential first step.
“We have to be aware of that and really put forth the effort to start seeing that individual as a lover,” Dr. Stephanie said, “not just a best friend or someone we can share everything with.”
The Erotic Doctor Helps Put Intimacy Into Action
Strong, healthy relationships nurture intimacy through both emotional and sexual connection. While emotional and sexual intimacy can be distinct, they also inform and influence each other in major ways.
“My philosophy and practice is: Heal your sexuality, heal your life,” Dr. Stephanie said. “A lot of times, I have couples come to me and the relationship is crumbling. There are two ways I can deal with them. I can build them back emotionally or sexually.”
Dr. Stephanie encourages her clients to try reconnecting sexually first. She said there is something powerful about a strong sexual connection that can strengthen every aspect of a couple’s intimacy.
If you’re looking to focus on the emotional side of things with your partner, Dr. Stephanie offered some exercises to try.
“This is one of the most important exercises you and your partner can do,” Dr. Stephanie said. “Keep track of your feelings throughout the day, and have a scheduled time every day to meet with your partner and discuss those feelings.”
Dr. Stephanie said to make sure you’re not just tracking experiences but the emotions that come with them. Get in touch with the sensations an emotion brings and where you feel that sensation in your body. Find words that describe your feelings, and then share them vulnerably with your partner.
“When you come together, one person will start with the big emotions they felt throughout the day,” Dr. Stephanie said. “Then the other will repeat their emotions to them and ask them if they need anything. And then the other person repeats that same process back to them.”
Daily check-ins keep you and your partner connected. Debriefing your day with your partner empowers both of you to stay connected to each other. These moments of emotional connection also serve every aspect of your intimacy– including sexual intimacy.
If you’re looking for more connection and intimacy in your life. Dr. Stephanie said the resources awaiting you are bountiful, and a more deeply connected life is right around the corner.
“There’s just so many resources out there,” Dr. Stephanie said. “There is no reason to not reach out and find the support you need.”